Yes, I am: Sexual reputation

I’m a virgin, that is.

It’s a big, scary word, and one that makes people look at me funny, because although we live in a world that still slut-shames women that openly enjoy sex, tell someone that you’re 30 and have never had sex and they look at you either as if you suddenly grew a second head or a shiny halo. Because to be a 30-year-old virgin apparently means that either something is seriously wrong with you or that you’re some sort of saint.

Obviously neither one is true: I’ve not had any traumatic experiences, nor am I hideously deformed (and I’m sure I’ll talk about norms of beauty and sex appeal at some point) – and while I’m Christian, the only reason I’ve never “slept” with anyone (oh, the euphemisms!) was that none of my relationships lasted long enough for me to feel comfortable with that level of physical contact.

However, just the fact that my status of sexual experience turns heads, that I feel the need to explain myself, says a lot about our society, which seems obsessed with sexsexsex, wherever you look, making it simultaneous ubiquitous and shameful. Especially for women who have to try to toe the thin line between being perceived as a slut or a prude, neither one is a good reputation to have. Men, on the other hand, might be ridiculed if they’re not sexually active, but a reputation as a “stud” or “ladies’ man” is still seen as something to be proud of.

There was a time in my early twenties, after almost all of my girlfriends had become sexually active, when I felt the pressure to conform. I didn’t have a boyfriend, so I seriously considered flying out to visit a friend I’d been flirting with online in order to “get it over with” with someone I knew and trusted (of a fashion). I felt not just embarrassed but ashamed, as if my virginity was a serious character flaw, one that would stop guys from wanting to be with me. This feeling lasted until I hit my late 20s, when I felt confident enough in myself and my sexuality to see that any guy who’d have a problem with my “v-card” automatically disqualified himself.

I’ve embraced my quirks – and my virginity is just one of them, for as long as it lasts.

The V-Word is going to be a loose series of posts about issues surrounding virginity and what it means being a virgin – to me specifically, but also with some small excursions into the general.