Part 9:If You're Gone

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

Kevin could pin point the exact second his life changed. The millisecond that he saw his life flash before his eyes and knew that nothing would ever be the same again. And all it took was 6 words. Six words that had been in the forefront of his mind for a year and a half now, but never been vocalized. "I think we should tell them."

"P...pardon?" Kevin looked at Nick with horror in his eyes, his mouth suddenly dry. Uncomfortably dry. His pulse was racing and the lunch they had just finished was churning in his stomach.

"The guys. I think we should tell them. You know, about us." Nick licked the remaining fudge from his spoon as he rested it on his tongue, deep in thought. He was so wrapped up in the idea of telling the others about his and Kevin's relationship that he missed Kevin's look of fear. "Don't you think it's time?" It was then he averted his gaze from his sundae, meeting Kevin's. His brow furrowed as he saw the range of emotions on his lover's face, the uncertainty in his eyes.

The silence was deafening and Kevin knew that he should say something, but the words wouldn't come. He was so much in shock that there wasn't a thought in his head. Well a thought that Nick would want to hear any ways. "Ummm...." His forehead was creased and he looked down at his hands, which were presently shredding the napkin nervously.

"I guess you don't." Nick's voice was unreadable and a shiver traveled down Kevin's spine. He watched Nick's face turn into a mask of steel.

If Kevin didn't know better, he would assume that the conversation was finished, that Nick's silence meant acceptance. But he did know better because he'd never seen Nick like this before, and Nick wasn't known to give up this easily.

"It's not that I don't Nick.. It's just..." Kevin took a deep breath and looked around his kitchen, trying to find something to focus on to keep from crying. His worst fears were being made reality right before his eyes and there was nothing he could do about it. "Why? What's the point in us telling them about us... And what exactly do you want to tell them? How much do we tell? It's not as easy as just blurting it out one day. Hey guys, guess what ...Nick and I are both BI and in love."

"What the fuck do you mean what's the point? Let me ask you this..." Nick paused, waiting for Kevin to meet his eyes. When they had made eye contact Nick continued. "If you were dating some chick that the rest of us didn't know about, wouldn't you want to share that with us? If you were so fucking happy in love that you knew you were going to spend your entire life with her, would you be so hesitant to tell us about it?"

Kevin just stared at Nick, knowing that he was right. If Nick were a girl, Kevin would have told the guys the second he'd realized he was in love with her. But Nick wasn't a girl and that changed everything.

"And how much do I want to tell them? Do you think I'm stupid Kevin? Do you really think I'd jeopardize everything you've built, and everything we've worked so hard for? No, I don't want to tell them about the club and what we do there. I don't intend on telling them what we do behind closed doors, that's none of their business Kevin. What I did intend on telling them is that I'm in love, more in love than I ever thought was possible. I'm so much in love that I can't even think of living my life without the most amazing person I've ever met in it with me. And that person is you. I want to stop pretending that when we go to clubs on the road, that I'm actually interested in the girls that approach me, that I'm still available and looking for Mrs. Right. I'm tired of lying to everyone about what I am ..about who I am. Why don't you understand that?"

Kevin did understand that. He understood the frustration of hiding their relationship from everyone. Of having to watch his actions when they were all together, of not being able to touch Nick, kiss Nick while he watched Brian and Leighanne all over each other. He wanted to be able to do that as well, but he knew that it was better this way. They just wouldn't understand their relationship. "Nick, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do understand. You think I don't hate the fact that we have to keep us a secret? That we can't be openly affectionate? It kills me every second when we're all together and I can't pull you close, nuzzle your neck, play with your hair..."

"Then why can't we tell them? What's the big deal? If we're so fucking tired of hiding it from them, why are we?" Nick was frustrated and realized that this wasn't going to go as easily as he'd imagined. Putting his face

in his hands, he massaged his temples, feeling the beginnings of a migraine.

"Because Nicky.. They wouldn't understand. How can they even begin to understand what's going on here? How much we mean to each other?" Kevin pleaded, reaching over to place a hand over Nick's. He flinched as Nick pulled away, his face once again stone like.

"Of course they won't understand, but how can they if we don't give them a chance to. How do you expect them to understand when you won't tell them. You're so fucking afraid of what they'll think of YOU that you won't even give them a chance. Well if you haven't noticed, this isn't only about you. This is about US. Us and OUR friends. OUR family! It's not like we're telling the whole fucking world Kevin. It's Brian, AJ and Howie. The three people that are fucking closest to us in the world. If we can't tell them about us and our relationship, then who can we tell?" Nick stood up and began pacing Kevin's kitchen, slamming his fist forcefully on the counter.

"You're right Nick. But what do you want from me? Have you thought about this? Really thought it through? What if they decide they can't handle it? What if they feel this is worth ending the group over? Then what? You just don't think sometimes. What are we going to do when this blows up in our faces?" Kevin was getting angry now too, but it was more nerves than anything. He didn't want to be having this conversation, having this fight.

"I don't think? I'm not fucking stupid Kevin and I'm sure as hell not 13 anymore. You don't think I've thought about this every god damned day since you told me you loved me? Since I knew I loved you? Jesus fucking Christ Kevin. Sometimes you are such an asshole. If you're embarrassed by me, by us then just say it. But don't fucking pretend that you're scared of their reactions, because if this is true love ....real love this wouldn't be a problem. You wouldn't be so hesitant to tell people about us. It's just as simple as that." With that, Nick turned to face Kevin, his arms crossing over his chest as he leaned into the counter. He watched Kevin's face jerk up and jaw drop in surprise.

"Is that what you think my problem is? That I'm embarrassed by you?" Kevin gasped, that thought never even entering his mind. Although, now that Nick had planted the idea there, Kevin had to wonder where he would come up with it. "And what do you mean IF this is true love? I do love you ...am IN LOVE with you. Just because I want to keep that to ourselves, it doesn't mean I don't love you. I can't believe you'd even suggest that."

"Well isn't it? You said it yourself, if I were a woman you'd have no problem telling people about us. But I'm a man, obviously a stupid one by the way you've been talking to me today and you're embarrassed by me. Embarrassed that we're both bisexual ...that we fuck men as well as women. You're embarrassed to tell people that we're in a relationship. I don't know why I didn't see it before Kev. I love you more than life itself Kevin. It has killed me not to tell anyone for the past year and a half, but I realized that it wasn't the right time."

Kevin flinched as he heard the venom in Nick's voice, a sign that his mind was made up on what he was going to do. But Kevin wasn't sure of what that was, and that frightened him. He listened while Nick continued.

"But now I think it is. I want to tell anyone and everyone ...but I know we can't, so I 'm willing to settle for the guys, to just tell them. But you apparently can't find the balls to tell the people closest to us about us. Either that or you don't love me enough to take the step." Nick sighed, taking a deep breath to calm himself down. Although his voice was steady, his heart was pounding and his hands shaking.

"It's not that I don't love you Nicky. I do ...oh god you know I do. You're my life, it's just that I'm not ready." Kevin's voice was soft and laced with defeat. He knew they would never reach an agreement on this.

"Well I'm sorry Kevin. I'm sorry to hear that. It's been a year and a half. If you're not ready now, do you really think you'll ever be ready? The longer you put it off, the harder it will be." Nick stared deep into Kevin's eyes and held his breath. This was going to be hard. "I don't know what to say or do anymore. I have to go."

Kevin's eyes widened and his pulse began to race. Although nothing had formally been decided, he felt a sense of finality in Nick's demeanor. "What do you mean you have to go? Where are you going?"

"I don't know. Away. I can't be here. I can't be with you right now. I just need some time to think." Nick walked to the foyer and grabbed a sweater from the closet, pausing briefly to pull it over his head.

"Away where? For how long?" There was a hint of panic in Kevin's voice. He followed closely behind Nick, grabbing frantically for his arm.

Shrugging Kevin's hand off, Nick walked towards the door pausing before walking out. "I don't know where I'm going. But I just can't stay here. Knowing now how little I obviously mean to you I don't know where we can really go from here Kevin. What do you expect Kevin? That I'm going to be your best kept secret forever?" Nick shrugged as he walked onto the verandah, silently cursing the weather for being so beautiful and sunny, the exact opposite of how he felt inside. He wanted it to be raining and dark, to mirror the pain and gut wrenching heartache he was carefully hiding, not wanting Kevin to know just how much this was killing him.

He began to speak without even turning around. "I deserve better than that Kevin. WE deserve better than that. Good bye."

With tears in his eyes, Kevin watched Nick descend down the stairs to the driveway and towards his Prowler. He was so caught up in the sobs he was trying to hold back that he never noticed the way Nick's shoulders were shaking, his steps faltering. With that good bye, Nick had said so much and Kevin was afraid that he'd lost him. That his insecurities and fears had caused him to lose the only thing that had really meant anything to him. It wasn't until Kevin was sure that Nick was gone from his property, his car nowhere in sight, that he allowed himself to completely break down, falling to his knees and sobbing hysterically. He was barely able to crawl back into the house that still smelled faintly of brownies and ice cream, the desert that they had decided to make after a beautiful lunch out by the pool. Kevin never realized just how quickly his life could change. Not an hour before they had been blissfully happy, deciding what they were going to do that night, and now. Now Kevin was alone, not sure if his lover would ever return to him.

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - This in my life
I think I'm just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

When Kevin opened his eyes again, he was still in the same place he'd been when he crawled back into the house. He was curled up on the foyer, holding one of Nick's sweat shirts tightly in his hands, his face pressed into it letting Nick's scent consume him. As he lifted his head, he saw through the window that it was dark now, and he wondered just how long he'd been laying there. He had cried for about two hours until exhaustion had set in and he fell into a fitful sleep, plagued by dark and grey dreams of loneliness and solitude. Knowing that he'd just quite possibly screwed up the best thing in his life but unable to do anything about it. He just couldn't change how he felt about this and had hoped Nick would understand that.

With a groan, Kevin stretched out and sat up, his body sore from the uncomfortable tiled floor. Not having the energy to stand up and walk, Kevin crawled over to the desk by the stairs and grabbed the cordless, bringing it into the den where he could curl up on the couch. Once he was comfortable, Kevin dialed the only seven digits more familiar than Nick's. Waiting for someone to pick up, he forced himself not to think about the only thing that was on his mind.
"Hello?" A familiar voice answered.

Kevin was so overwrought with emotion that he couldn't speak, his throat tight and constricted. Instead he let out a sob, feeling the tears falling down his cheeks.

"Kevin? Is that you? Oh god baby, what's wrong?"
"Kyle? I need you." Kevin blurted out, a fresh wave of tears flowing as he heard the concern in the younger man's voice.

"Is everything okay?" Kyle asked. He'd never heard Kevin this emotional before, this desperate.

"No. It's all ruined. It's over Kyle. Please... Come over...." Kevin begged, not wanting to be alone. He needed someone there with him to show him that everything was going to be okay. That things could all be fixed in the morning.

"Okay sweetie. I'll be there in a half an hour okay? I'll leave right now and drive as fast as I can." Kyle soothed, wanting to calm Kevin down.

"Hurry." Was all Kevin said before hanging up the phone and pulling himself tighter into a ball. He was shaking uncontrollably now, an emptiness he'd never known before filling him.

True to his word, Kevin heard his front door open exactly 30 minutes later and instantly, Kyle was standing above him, his face a mask of concern. Kyle went back to the door and locked the dead bolt and chains, returning to the couch and sitting on the floor beside him. "Oh god Kev.. What's wrong baby? What happened?" Kyle began to run his fingers through Kevin's hair, trying to calm down the older man. He wasn't sure what state he would find Kevin in, but nothing he could have imagined would compare to what he was met with. Kevin's face was all pale and withdrawn, his eyes red and puffy, his hands shaking.

"He left me." Kevin whispered, looking at Kyle with defeat. Kevin had resigned himself to the fact that Nick had left him for good and was never coming back.

Kyle did his best to suppress his shock at Kevin's confession. He couldn't have just heard what he thought he had. That Nick, Kyle could only imagine Kevin was talking about Nick, that Nick had left him. That they'd broken up.

"What did you say Kev? Who left you? What are you talking about?" Kyle did his best to pull Kevin up from the couch and sit beside him, pulling him into his arms. He felt Kevin's arms go around his waist, his body snuggle closer to him and Kyle let out a deep breath. This was definitely going to be a long night.

"Nicky. He left me. Said good bye and just left me." Kevin's voice was distant and Kyle knew that he was thinking, replaying the scene over in his mind. He felt him shiver and begin to shake again, proof of his crying.

"I don't think Nick would just leave you Kevin. Something must have happened. What happened Kev? Tell me so I can help you." Kyle murmured into Kevin's hair, stroking the skin on his arms comfortingly. He felt Kevin shift against him, trying to fit his tall body on the couch and wrap around him, but the furniture was too confining. Realizing that he'd relax more if he were comfortable, Kyle stood up, bringing Kevin with him. He angled the older man towards one of the closest guest rooms that was on the far end of the main floor. Once they'd made it to the room, he directed Kevin to the bed and sat him down. He was like a rag doll, allowing himself to be manipulated completely, as if he didn't have any strength on his own. Kyle stripped Kevin of his tee shirt and removed his pants, leaving him in just a pair of boxers. Seeing Kevin's condition, he knew that once he'd gotten him into the bed, he'd be there for the night. And at least he should be comfortable.

Once he'd tucked Kevin in, Kyle climbed on the bed beside him, staying fully clothed. Kevin hadn't said a word since they had been in the living room, so when Kevin spoke, his voice startled Kyle. "Please stay tonight? I don't want to be alone." His green eyes were filled with sadness, his bottom lip swollen slightly from being bitten by his teeth. Kevin pulled back the sheets beside him, indicating his wishes for Kyle to join him in the bed.

With a smile, Kyle removed his clothing as well, keeping only his boxers on and slipping between the cool sheets, pulling Kevin into his embrace. Kyle didn't want to push the other man to speak before he was ready, but his mind was working overtime trying to figure out what Kevin had been talking about. Nick leaving him? Them breaking up? It was just something that he had never even contemplating happening. He knew how long they'd waited for each other, how long they'd been in love with one another before finally admitting it to themselves as well as each other.

Kyle had hated Nick for the first 6 years he'd known Kevin, wondering how this kid could let someone as beautiful and wonderful as Kevin pine away for him. How he couldn't see what he was missing, and how he took Kevin's undivided love and devotion for granted. Kyle had fallen in love with Kevin from the first time he'd seen him, and everything he did was for this man. All he'd ever wanted was just a chance to show Kevin that there was more to life than Nick Carter, that he could love him like he deserved to be loved. But it wasn't meant to be, because as hard as he tried to show Kevin how much he loved him, all Kevin could see was Nick. And in that blindness, resentment grew within Kyle. Until he'd met Nick and saw the expression in his eyes, the love in his heart. It was then that he understood exactly what he'd been competing with, Kevin's soul mate. Who had spent years past suffering from the exact same case of unrequited love as Kevin had. Sure, Kyle held a sacred place in Ke vin's heart, but that heart belonged to Nick, as Nick's belonged to Kevin. And Kyle loved Kevin too much to deny him that happiness, so he never revealed his love for his 'master' but simply took what was offered and was grateful for it. And with Nick, he'd met Billy, and realized that there was someone that would love him like Kevin loved Nick. And Billy was someone he could love in return. But Kyle knew that what Nick and Kevin had was forever, so hearing Kevin say it was over was just something he wasn't prepared to deal with. Because if they couldn't withstand a relationship, then what hope did anyone else have?

Finally, Kyle felt Kevin take a deep breath and he knew that he was ready to talk. "I think Nick left me Kyle."

"You said that Kev. Tell me what happened." Kyle prodded gently.

"He.. He said that he wanted to tell the guys about us. About our relationship and I said that I wasn't ready. That it was a mistake." Kevin winced at the memory of the fight, it still fresh in his mind.

"And?" Kyle had a feeling that he knew where this was going. Where Kevin was a very private person, very withdrawn, Nick thrived on emotion, he wasn't someone who did things half way. Kyle knew that keeping their relationship a secret was killing Nick slowly and it was only a matter of time before they had this discussion. Nick was the type of person who, when he was happy, he wanted to share it with the world. It was something that Kyle admired about him, his enthusiasm was infectious and you just couldn't help get caught up in it. But his enthusiasm and Kevin's reservations were an explosive combination. Sure, they'd had many fights over the past year and a half, but it was over stupid things. Nothing serious and nothing close to being a reason for them to break up.

"And then he accused me of being embarrassed by him ...embarrassed by us and said that he couldn't stay here with me anymore. He had to get away to think. And then he said good bye and left." He paused to hiccup and looked up at Kyle before continuing. "He didn't even look back Kyle. Just walked right out of my

life."

Kyle felt his heart break at the expression on Kevin's face and he leaned down to kiss his eyelids softly. He didn't know what to say to make anything better. He wanted to tell Kevin that he was right, that not telling anyone was the right thing to do, but he couldn't. He also wanted to assure Kevin that Nick wasn't saying good bye for good, but just in fact was leaving just to think. But he couldn't do that either. He didn't want to lie to the older man, but giving him the cold harsh truth wasn't going to help him either.

Kevin shivered as he felt Kyle's plush lips on his eyes, trailing down his cheek to his mouth before covering it sweetly. He allowed the blonde to kiss him chastely, not going too fast but not too slow. Kyle didn't want to push Kevin too quickly, so he simply waited. He waited for him to take command of the kiss, to proceed at a pace that he was comfortable with. Kevin shifted so that they were closer to one another, and Kyle could feel Kevin's heartbeat on his chest. Kevin took his lip between his teeth and sucked on it lightly, causing him to moan and open his mouth slightly. Taking that as an invitation, Kevin slid his tongue past Kyle's lips and gently brushed it against his tongue. Slowly, he pulled away and opened his eyes, looking deep into Kyle's stormy blues.

"Oh god Kyle. It just hurts so much. You have no idea..." Kevin reached up and cupped his face in his hands, taking time to trace his lips and jaw.

"Shhhhh... It's okay baby.. It's all gonna be okay." Kyle soothed, leaning in to softly kiss Kevin's forehead.

"Please... Make it go away." He pulled Kyle's face down to his, covering his mouth completely with his own. He broke the kiss to speak again, "make love to me Kyle. Please... I need you." Kevin's one hand remained firm on the back of Kyle's neck while the other moved down Kyle's chest to his boxer shorts, slipping inside to stroke his erection which was getting harder by the second. Kyle moaned into Kevin's mouth and knew instantly that he couldn't deny him this, even if he wanted to. He felt Kevin's hand grip his dick tightly before starting to stroke him with ease, knowing just how he liked it. Not too rough but not too gentle, just a pleasant mixture of the two extremes. Their kiss was desperate, needy and wonderful, Kyle couldn't get closer to Kevin and Kevin wanted to get lost in this man.

At no time did any guilt or remorse fill Kevin, for he knew that this wasn't cheating on Nick. This was Kyle, someone they both loved and trusted, and if Kevin knew Nick as well as he did, he knew exactly where the other man would be heading. To the only other person they'd let into their world fully. But Kevin didn't want to think about anyone or anything other than the feel of Kyle's tongue lapping at the roof of his mouth, his hands removing Kevin's boxer shorts expertly. They rolled so that Kevin was pinned underneath Kyle, his legs wrapped around his waist and their erections rubbing together erotically. Both men paused at the sensations washing through them, wanting to make this good for each other. Kyle reached down and kissed Kevin again, giving him one last chance to change his mind. "Are you sure about this Kev? We can stop any time."

Instead of answering him, Kevin reached over to the night stand and pulled out some lube and a condom. He paused at the humourous look on Kyle's face. "Do you always have lube and condoms stashed in rooms you never use?"

Kevin blushed, biting his lip. "Well... It's a pain in the ass looking for lube when you're just about to explode if you're not inside of them 10 minutes ago... So we have lube and condoms in every drawer and cabinet just in case." Kevin shrugged with a smile on his face. "You know how it is Kyle, especially with Nick."

And Kyle did know how it was. He knew that urgency and that need, so he simply laughed before grinding their cocks together, pleased at the look of pleasure that crossed Kevin's features. He would do anything to keep that lost look out of his eyes, and tonight, if this was what it took, he'd gladly assist.

Kevin saw the far away look on Kyle's face and so he ripped open the foil packet and sheathed him in the condom, relishing the moan and shiver that resulted. "You like that Kyle?"

"Oh god Kev.... Your hand feels so good." Kyle thrust quickly into Kevin's hand, his head falling back and eyes fluttering shut.

Taking that as a cue to continue, Kevin applied a generous amount of lubrication on the condom and Kyle's cock, preparing him.

When Kyle wasn't sure he was able to withstand Kevin's hand stroking him any longer, he pulled away and placed himself at Kevin's entrance. Using a finger to quickly prepare his lover, Kyle stretched Kevin until he was moaning and begging. "Oh god Kyle.. Please.. Don't make me wait any longer. I want to feel you inside me. Please..."

With a soft kiss to his lips, Kyle pushed steadily into Kevin, bracing himself against the tightness and resistance that he met. It had been quite some time since he'd been this intimate with Kevin and the familiarity

was overwhelming. He didn't think he'd ever forget how it felt to be so thoroughly connected with this man. It was the same with Nick. He loved Billy with his entire heart, but he couldn't ignore the feelings that he had for the other couple, this love something entirely different than anything he'd ever known before. And he hoped that whatever tonight was about, that it wouldn't be the thing to end their relationship.

Once Kyle was completely inside of Kevin, they simply lay there holding one another. Kevin's legs were still wrapped around his waist, while Kyle was leaning down, their foreheads resting on one another. Neither had broken the eye contact that had been established from the initial push of Kyle into Kevin, so much being said in the silence.

"Are you ready?" Kyle whispered, reaching his tongue out to lick Kevin's lips playfully.

"Yesss..." Kevin responded, jerking his hips so that Kyle pressed in deeper, coming in contact with his prostate.

It was as if Kyle knew exactly what Kevin wanted ...what he needed. He began to thrust slowly but forcefully, not rushing him at all. He wanted Kevin to feel how much he was loved, how much pleasure he deserved. Kyle's blonde bangs fell down into his eyes and Kevin reached up, brushing them away tenderly. "So beautiful Kyle... Do you know how beautiful you are?" His hand still wrapped around Kyle's shoulders on his neck, Kevin pulled him down for a searing kiss, leaving them both breathless. Their tongues battled erotically, tasting every inch of the other's mouth.

Kevin felt each stroke with his entire body, and for even a short while, forgot about all of his problems. He allowed himself to get lost in the blueness of Kyle's eyes, the strength in the muscles he felt on Kyle's back and the taste of his tongue on his lips. Too soon for Kevin's liking, he could feel his climax approaching. There was nothing rushed nor forced about this. This was tender and pure love, full of emotion and comfort. "Oh god Kyle... I'm almost there baby...." Kevin whimpered as his hand moved from Kyle's back to his own erection. He began to stroke it in time with Kyle's thrusts, his thumb flicking over the sensitive head which was now leaking. Groaning at the pleasure on Kevin's face, the sight of him touching himself sped up Kyle's own orgasm, putting him on the brink as well. "Oh god.. Kev.. I'm there.. Cum with me."

And as quickly as the feeling came upon him, Kevin felt his whole world shift and the orgasm rocked him. He held onto Kyle tightly, whispering mindlessly into his ear as his eyes slammed shut and breath got caught in his throat. It was only seconds later that he felt Kyle swell inside of him, his cock twitching before a loud throaty yell could be heard. Kevin felt one last thrust of Kyle's hips, one last spurt of warmth inside of him and they both collapsed, mass of sweaty limbs and heaving chests.

It wasn't until their breathing had regulated and the euphoria settled that Kevin remembered why it was that they were doing this, that Kyle had come over. It all came back to Nick and their relationship ....or possible relationship at this point. Kyle could feel the change in Kevin's body, the tension that had returned and knew what the older man was thinking. He began to run his fingers through Kevin's shoulder length hair, as his head was resting on his chest.

"Is it really worth it Kev?" He asked, his voice light and careful.

"Is what worth it?"

"Is their opinions worth it? Is your fears of their reactions really worth losing Nick over? Losing everything you both have together?" Kyle knew that he was going to be treading on very thin ice and needed this to come out perfectly. He needed Kevin to consider Nick's side without getting defensive. Kevin paused for a few minutes, considering the weight of Kyle's question. "No." His voice was so soft Kyle could barely hear him.

"If you guys did happen to tell them and they didn't approve ...will that change how much you love him? How much he loves you?"

Again, Kevin took his time to think. "No. Of course not."

"Then what's the problem? We heard Brian that night he was at the club. He had explicitly said that he had an idea of the things that Nick was into, the person Nick was and he then told him that no matter who he was, he still loved and supported him. If Brother Brian, the straightest of the straight has no problem with Nick being bisexual, why do you think it would be a big problem if you were? How would that change? And I don't know AJ or Howie very well, but I can't imagine them having issues with it. After everything you guys have been through, I don't think they're going to suddenly desert you now because you're bisexual and in love with Nick." Kyle continued to stroke Kevin's hair comfortingly, hoping the older man wouldn't notice his hands shaking slightly. "It's not going to make a big difference to them Kevin, and do you want to know why? Because it doesn't change who you are. They'll love you regardless Kevin. Deep down you know that. So you have to decide."

Kevin fought back the tears that he knew were threatening. He knew that Kyle was right. That Nick had been

right as well, but it was still a big step and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing. He knew he was trembling, but was reassured as he felt Kyle's arms tighten around him. "What do I have to decide?" He asked, looking up to stare Kyle in the eye.

"How much you're willing to risk. If your relationship with Nick is worth facing your fears for. Is it fair to either of you to hide in the darkness for the rest of your lives. You're both young, how do you expect to live the next 60 years in hiding, afraid of someone uncovering your secrets and finding out that you two are in love and happy together. Even if everyone does turn against you because of this, isn't Nick's love and support enough? That's what he was trying to tell you tonight Kevin. That's what he needs reassuring of."

Kevin blinked, feeling the tears overflow and trail down his cheeks to Kyle's chest. Burying his head further into the blonde's neck, Kevin allowed himself to be rocked gently. He wanted to say something but couldn't, the words lost somewhere from his heart to his head. "Talk to him Kevin. You guys need to talk about this and hear each other's fears. I know you're scared baby, but so is he. He seems tough and independent, but he's not. He needs you more than I think you realize and he's just as affected by all of this. When you both calm down a bit, maybe in a day or so, call him and go somewhere neutral so you can talk. If you don't it will kill you both inside."

Kyle took a deep breath and sighed, hoping that he'd at least gotten through a little to Kevin. All he wanted was for Kevin to understand that there were more factors to consider, not just his fears. He waited for Kevin to respond, but after a short period of time had elapsed, he heard him softly snoring into his chest. He knew how exhausting this day had been for him and settled in, holding him close. Once again he crossed his fingers that Nick was okay. As angry as Kevin had said he was, Kyle knew that he was hurting just as much.

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - This in my life
I think I'm just scared - That I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

Nick pulled out of Kevin's driveway quickly, squealing his tires as if to prove his anger. He couldn't understand what the hell the last year and a half had meant to Kevin. Nick had thought that this was all leading somewhere. Once they'd become secure and comfortable in their relationship they would tell the rest of the guys and bring them into their happiness. And from there they would be able to at least begin the rest of their lives, hopefully at some point being able to be out in public together without always watching over their shoulders. But in less than an hour, Kevin had broken that dream into a million pieces.

"He's fucking ashamed of me. Of us. Doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking another guy." Nick spat, turning the radio on full blast as he sped through the streets, not entirely sure of where he was heading. "Of course.. We can show every goddamned person that comes into fetish that we're fucking, but to tell the guys is too risky. Too much too soon. Well fuck you Kevin. Fuck you and the love I thought we had." As angry as he was, Nick could feel the tears welling in his eyes and he started cursing even more. "Fuck. You've turned me into a fucking cry baby whiner. What the hell am I doing anymore?"

It wasn't until he pulled into a familiar drive way that Nick realized where he had gone to. Without even noticing it, he'd driven to the only place that he knew he was welcome right now. To see the only person who would fully understand his dilemma and not judge him or his situation. He climbed out of his car and stomped up the driveway, banging on the door angrily. The argument with Kevin still playing over and over in his mind, as if he'd hit a repeat button and couldn't find a way to stop it. As the door opened, Nick saw a look of surprise cross the other person's face, replaced with excitement and concern. "Nick? What's up? I thought you were staying with Kevin..."

"I left. We had a fight, I can't stay there with him." Nick barked before shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "You gonna let me in or what Billy?"

Billy jumped at the desperation in Nick's eyes, the anger in his voice and stepped aside, pulling him in quickly before shutting the door. Just as he was about to say something to find out what was wrong, Nick had him pressed against the door, his mouth locked in a steamy kiss that was rough and eager. As he moaned from the shock, Billy's mouth opened just enough for Nick to thrust his tongue inside, exploring and playing.

Nick knew that he should explain what was going on, why he was there but he couldn't just yet. There was too much pent up emotion that was bursting to get out. If he didn't release some of it, he would just explode and he didn't want that. So he wrapped his arms around Billy's waist, pulling the smaller man close and pressing their bodies together tightly. He felt Billy's hands grip onto his arms before snaking around his back to hold on tighter, his legs suddenly too weak to support him.

Billy pulled his mouth away with a moan, his eyes closed and lips swollen. When his eyelids fluttered open, he saw his lust mirrored in Nick's baby blue eyes and knew that whatever brought Nick here would have to wait. "Bedroom." Was all he said as he grabbed Nick's shirt and dragged him through the house to his room. Once they'd finally made it to his bedroom, stopping every few seconds to grope each other and kiss, Nick shoved Billy onto the bed and began taking his clothes off. Once he'd successfully gotten naked, Nick climbed onto the bed and expertly rid Billy of his jogging pants and tee shirt, both able to see just how turned on the other was.

Impatient for Nick to join him on the bed, Billy pulled him down and began to lick everywhere his mouth could reach, not sure of what he wanted to do first. He wanted to erase the look of pain that was in his eyes, the frown and creased forehead that indicated discomfort on Nick's part. "Tell me what you want Nicky. How can I make it better.." He moaned, sucking on Nick's right nipple as he ran the pad of his thumb over the left one.

Nick arched his back and held Billy's head in his hands, offering his body to the other man. What he needed was to forget everything. Forget the anguish of the afternoon, just bring him back to a place where everything was okay and his relationship with Kevin was stable. He didn't want to think about the fact that he'd just told Kevin good bye. And was certain he'd meant it. He sure as hell didn't want to think about the look on Kevin's face when he realized that it was quite possibly over, the pain unbearable. He knew that feeling because it was exactly how he felt. But he also felt anger. Anger that the one person who promised they wouldn't hurt him, they would always be there for him had lied.

He expected it from his parents. From the record executives. From Lou. Those were people who he knew he couldn't trust his heart and loyalty to. Those were people who he expected to hurt him. He never thought Kevin would hurt him this way, but he had and it made him realize that he'd been made a fool of again. Nick wanted to tell all of this to Billy, but he couldn't. The words wouldn't come. So he said what he could. "I want you. Want you to make me forget."

Billy was stunned when Nick said this and wasn't sure what he was referring to. What he wanted him to him forget. He jumped when he felt Nick's fingers wrap in his hair pulling tightly. Rough Nick returned with a vengeance, a familiar gleam in his eye. Billy only smirked back, taking a nipple in his fingers and twisting sharply. He felt Nick flinch and rip his hands away, pulling him close for another bruising kiss. Billy needed to breathe and attempted to pull away, but Nick had a firm hold on his head, not allowing for him to move at all. Billy struggled but Nick only laughed into his mouth, the sound low and hollow. With sudden insight, Billy sucked Nick's lip into his mouth and bit down hard, happy when Nick jumped back and rubbed the infliction with his thumb, a smile on his face.

Billy then reached up, grabbing onto Nick's hair and pulling violently so that his mouth was right by his ear. "Fuck or be fucked?"

Nick shivered at Billy's question, feeling his tongue outline his ear before sucking on the lobe. "Fuck." Nick answered, licking a path from Billy's jaw to his throat and sucking tenderly, knowing it was one of his sweet spots. "I want to fuck you so hard and good Billy." Nick mumbled as he made his way back up to Billy's mouth, possessing it selfishly. And just as abruptly as he'd taken Billy's mouth, he released it, spinning him around so that the brunette was on his knees, ass in the air.

"In the drawer." Billy instructed, shivering as Nick's hand danced up and down his spine. He turned his head to watch Nick reach over, and open the drawer, taking out a condom and lube before sitting back on his knees. Skillfully, Nick sheathed himself in the latex, squirting a healthy amount of the scented lubrication on his erection. Before he could lose himself in the feeling of his hand stroking his hardened shaft, he prepared his fingers to stretch Billy, not wanting to do too much damage in his haste and anger.

After feeling Nick thrust two and then three fingers inside of him, Billy was getting impatient. "Fuck Nick.. You done yet?"

Nick growled as he withdrew the two fingers from inside of Billy, placing himself at the other man's entrance. "I'm just getting started... You'll fucking know when I'm done." And without further warning, Nick thrust forcefully into Billy, holding him by the waist. Had Nick not had a firm hold on him, they were both certain that Billy would have flown right off of the bed, Nick's thrust that powerful. He didn't let Billy become accustomed to the intrusion before pounding mercilessly into him, angling his hips to reach as deep as he possibly could, wanting Billy to feel as much of him as he could. "How's ...this ....?" Nick grunted, bucking his hips and slapping Billy's ass brutally, knowing that it would leave a red print. Enjoying the scream that the slap brought, Nick repeated the action again and again, losing himself in the moment, in the pure sexual pleasure.

Nick was barely aware of Billy's arms giving out, the force too much for him to be able to withstand. Looking down, he saw his lover's face buried in the sheets, one hand twisted tightly and holding on, the other unseen. He could faintly hear the grunts and moans coming from Billy and realized where his other hand was, it was firmly grasping his cock, stroking furiously to release the painful tension that had been building in his balls. Wanting to feel Billy's cock as he came, Nick lifted one hand from it's position on his waist and snaked it around to cover Billy's hand, assisting him in jerking off. "Fuck Nick.. I can't hold it any longer... Need to cum..."

Hearing the desperation in Billy's whine, and the way he was slamming back with every one of his thrusts in brought Nick to his orgasm. He came suddenly and without warning, the orgasm taking him completely by surprise. Wanting to feel Billy reach his climax, he continued to thrust forcefully, Billy's anal muscles milking the orgasm from him, dragging it out. Nick couldn't control the spasm that rocked his body and as a result, he jerked Billy's throbbing erection harshly, which brought forth a scream and a complete body tremor before erupting on the bed below him, his chest and Nick's hand. Nick continued to stroke Billy's spurting erection until he was certain that he had nothing left to give, his body spent and boneless.

Nick pulled out gently, careful not to hurt Billy in the process. He had been rougher than usual and knew that Billy would be a little sore from the pummeling he'd just received. Once he was safely withdrawn from him, Nick removed the condom, tied the end and placed it in the garbage bin that was on the other side of the night stand. He stumbled towards the bathroom connected to Billy's room and grabbed a wash cloth, wanting to clean them up a little before crawling back under the sheets. Once he'd finished, Nick silently curled up with Billy, unsure where to go now. They simply lay in silence for a while, both thinking over what had just transpired between them, Nick knowing that it didn't resolve any of his problems, Billy questioning what had happened before Nick arrived on his doorstep.

"I think I broke up with Kevin tonight." Nick blurted out, unable to keep the tremble from his voice. He felt Billy stiffen in his arms and waited for the chaos that he knew would result.

"I'm sorry. I think you fucked me a little too hard Nick, because it sounded like you just said..." Billy said, disbelief in his tone.

"No you heard me. I think I broke up with him." Nick was shaking as the reality of the day set in.

"You think?"

"I don't know. All I know is that things can't go on like they are now. I can't live my life as a lie." Nick was talking as much to himself as he was to Billy, trying to reason everything out and come to some sort of conclusion.

"What's a lie Nick? Your relationship with Kevin? The club? Me and Kyle?" Billy felt his heart constrict as he realized perhaps that Nick was only there for Kevin, that he was walking away from Fetish and him and Kyle. The thought of Nick leaving had never entered his mind and he wasn't prepared to deal with that. As much as he loved Kyle, he loved Nick as well. Nick and Kevin were the only two people besides Kyle that he trusted with his life, his heart.

Nick could sense the panic setting in on Billy and he pulled him close, as if to reassure him. "Oh god baby. I love you. You know that.. You and Kyle are so special to me.. I'm not leaving you both or the club. That's not a lie, that's who I am." Nick smiled as he saw Billy visibly relax, feeling him curl into his body once again. "I just can't deal with keeping my relationship with Kevin from everyone." And with that, Nick recounted the argument with Kevin once again, filling Billy in on his explanation and conclusions of why Kevin was so hesitant to tell the guys about them.

The entire time Billy was silent, not sure of what to say. Although he could see Nick's point, Kevin's point was valid as well. And if he knew both men as well as he thought he did, he was sure that neither had even paused to consider where the other was coming from. They were always both determined that their way was the only way of looking at anything, and hardly ever considered anything else. "I can't do it anymore." Billy heard Nick say. "If he's ashamed of me, of himself, of us, then I can't be with him."

Billy paused before speaking, hoping that Nick would understand where he was coming from. "It might not be that Nick. It's not that he's ashamed ..he's just a very private person. He loves you more than anyone in the entire world Nick. I've never seen anyone SO in love with someone as he is with you. And the same goes with you baby. The love you two have for each other is what some people look for all of their lives.."

Nick could only stare at him, completely shocked with the passion that Billy spoke with. "But?"

"You two need to talk about this. You need to get together and LISTEN to what the other is saying. See how much he loves you and why he wants to keep it between you two." Billy reasoned.

"But if he loved me as much as you say he does, he wouldn't have a problem sharing that with everyone. With telling the guys about us. I just want to tell them, let them see how happy we are and how much in love we are. Why is that so wrong? I don't want to tell them about you and Kyle, or the club, but just about the two of us."

Billy closed his eyes and prayed that his next words came out right. "Nick? Is it worth ending everything over? Is this THAT important to you that you're willing to throw away the past year and a half away?"

Nick stopped, thinking seriously about what Billy questioned. "I don't think I'M the one throwing anything away. I'm trying to make it better ...stronger. If we have D, Rok and Bone on our side then we can conquer

anything. I don't care what anyone else says, I just want them to be happy for us."

"But what if he refuses to tell them? Wouldn't you rather have at least that part of his life, the behind closed doors part, rather than nothing? If you don't tell anyone, fine, it's a secret, but that doesn't change how much he loves you. How he makes love to you. Are you willing to sacrifice that for a principle? A point you're trying to make? Your fears? Don't let your fears stand in the way of your happiness Nick."

And at that instant, Nick wasn't so sure of anything anymore. His head was spinning and he was exhausted. He needed to think and clear his head, but that would have to wait until morning. When day broke he'd leave Billy's house and head for the Marina, go for a boat ride and help make sense of things. But for now, now he'd sleep. "I just don't know anymore Billy." He mumbled before drifting of, wrapped tightly in the sheets and Billy's arms, wishing that they were Kevin's.

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there's a little bit of something me
In everything in you

It had been almost a week since he'd last heard from Nick and Kevin was frantic. He had waited a day to call him, letting them both cool off considerably. But when he dialed Nick's number, all he had gotten was his answering machine. He'd left a message and decided that he'd wait until Nick called him back, not wanting to appear over eager. When a few hours had passed, Kevin thought it couldn't hurt to call again, just to make sure Nick had gotten the voice mail. It never took Nick this long to return calls, his cell phone and pager practically attached to his hip. Kevin had phoned a few more times before falling asleep on the couch, cordless in his hand.

The next day was similar to the last, unanswered phone calls, Kevin finally giving up leaving messages. As soon as he'd hear the familiar click and Nick's voice spouting out his recorded messages, Kevin would hang up and begin pacing the kitchen, or whatever room he was in, trying to convince himself that it hadn't been good bye good bye, just 'I'll see you later' good bye. After the third day, Kevin called Kyle to see if he'd heard anything. He hadn't, but suggested that he phone Billy since he knew Nick had gone there the night of the fight. Kevin thanked him with the promise to let him know when he'd heard something. It wasn't like Nick to go off without telling at least one person where he was going, just in case something happened to him.

"Billy?" Kevin questioned frantically into the phone. He wasn't sure if he was worried that something had happened to Nick, or that Nick had left him and really wasn't coming back, both frightening in their own respects.

"Kevin? How are you man? Long time no talk!" Billy replied, thankful that Kevin held no resentment towards him. He figured that Kyle had told him Nick had been over a few nights before and wasn't sure how that would affect him. Granted, Kyle had been at Kevin's, but this situation was complicated at best.

"I know.. I'm sorry but I've been dealing with my own fucked up problems man. I have a favour to ask. Have... Ummm.. Well.. Have you talked to Nick lately?" Kevin felt like an asshole asking him this, but he needed to know what was going on with Nick. Needed desperately to talk to him.

Billy paused, unsure of what Kevin was talking about. "What do you mean? He was here a few nights ago.. The night you guys..."
Kevin felt his stomach flip as Billy's voice trailed off, knowing to what he was referring. The night his life changed, and not for the better.

"You haven't seen him since then? Haven't heard from him?" Kevin squeaked, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. He was positive Nick would be with Billy. But if he wasn't with him, then he could be almost anywhere. With anyone.

"Haven't you talked to him?" Billy asked, his pulse quickening, throat constricting. He had figured the reason he hadn't heard from either of them was because they'd discussed things and worked them out. He thought he'd really gotten through to Nick and had helped him to at least consider Kevin's argument. When Kevin didn't reply, Billy spoke again. "Kevin?"

"I'm here. No.. I haven't spoke to him since he told me good bye on my porch." This time Kevin didn't even try to hide the sadness in his voice, the tremble with which he spoke.

So it had meant good bye. He really had left him. Kevin now knew what a broken heart felt like, and never realized that pain could be so intense, so encompassing.

That had been four days ago and Kevin hadn't left his house once. Hadn't answered the phone or the door. Of course, the only ones phoning or visiting were Billy and Kyle, trying to get him to talk to them, let them know he was okay. But he couldn't, because he wasn't. He would never be okay again. He had been so afraid, and for what? To have those fears ultimately be the thing that caused Nick to leave. It was ironic that what he was trying to prevent, happened because of the means of prevention. Kevin would have laughed if he wasn't crying so hard.

Exactly a week after Nick had left, Kevin's phone rang and he waited for Kyle or Billy's voice to sound through the machine, but to his surprise it was someone different all together.

"Kev? Cuz? You there? Well... When you get this give me a call. There's a meeting at Bone's place on Sunday to discuss the upcoming tour and CD release. Just the five of us ..an old fashioned Backstreet creativity meeting. And don't forget to bring Kaos with you. We all figure he's been spending the entire break down at your place since he barely goes home anymore. So if the two of you could possibly grace us with your presence ...which would be a surprise since you haven't called any of us since we all went on vacation anyways ...we'd be humbled." Kevin's breath froze at the mention of Nick. He wondered if the guys already knew something was going on. Why Brian assumed that Nick would be there with him and not somewhere else, with someone else. He registered Brian's chuckle and kept listening. "So yeah.. Give me a call. Or just show up. AJ's place, 2pm Sunday. Bye Kev.. Bye Nick."

Without even thinking, Kevin picked up his cordless and dialed Nick's cell number, knowing that he wouldn't pick up. When he heard the message and the beep he spoke. "Hey Nick. Sorry to bother you, but Brian just phoned the house looking for us. There's a meeting at AJ's place on Sunday at 2pm. Just the five of us to go over creative shit for the tour and CD. Please.. Even if you hate me ...if you want nothing to do with me, show up anyways. The guys really want us there. Bye Nicky." And with a lump in his throat, Kevin hung up wondering how he was going to get through the next couple of days until the meeting. He knew Nick may not want anything to do with him, but he wouldn't let it fuck up the group. It meant too much to him to screw it up.

The next few days passed rather quickly for Kevin. He wasn't sure if he was pleased or not at that. As much as he wanted to see Nick, he was afraid. Afraid of the reaction he'd be met with. Afraid that Nick had already moved on and found someone else. Or just moved on when he had clearly not. In the past week and a half, Kevin had done a lot of thinking. He'd put his whole life under a microscope and picked it apart, detail by detail. It had been painful at times and great at times, memories and emotions coming back to him that he'd thought he'd forgotten. But one thing had been made clear throughout the entire thing. Nick still hadn't phoned which hurt Kevin more than he ever thought possible. But before he knew it, he was seated nervously on AJ's leather couch, bottle of water in hand, eyes shifting around the room. No one had asked where Nick was and he knew that it was foremost on their minds. But his obvious state of distress was stopping them from doing any serious probing.< /P>

It was clear that he hadn't been eating or sleeping properly, signs of fatigue showing prominently on his face. And he hated the way the others were looking at him. As if he were some fragile piece of china ready to break if too much pressure was put on him. He was about to say something when he heard the doorbell ring. Brian and Howie had beaten him there, so that could only be one person.

Nick.

He hadn't realized he'd said it out loud until Howie spoke. "Yeah, it's probably him. Figures he'd be late... He'll be late for his own fucking funeral." Kevin chuckled with Brian and AJ, knowing that it was probably the truth. There was real world time and Backstreet time. Kevin was usually 20 minutes early, Howie and Brian getting there with just seconds to spare, AJ always fashionably late, approximately 10 minutes and then Nick. Nick usually showed up whenever he felt like it. When Kevin looked up next, he saw the one person he'd been dying to see for the past 11 days. But now that he was there, now that Nick was not 10 feet away from him, Kevin realized he wasn't ready for it. Wasn't ready for the reality that Nick wasn't his anymore.

Not that it had been officially decided, but he figured that 11 days with no contact was sign enough. Especially after leaving things the way they did.

He waited for Nick to say hello, to acknowledge him, but it never came. Nick nodded and grinned at Brian and Howie before taking a seat in AJ's bean bag chair across the room, his eyes avoiding Kevin's.

If Kevin's mind hadn't been made up before, Nick's reaction to him would have sealed it. That alone gave Kevin the confidence that he was doing the right thing, that he'd made the right choice after all.

Nick had no idea how hard this was going to be, and now, being in the room with him was too much to bear. He couldn't even look at him. He knew if he did, that it would be all over. The strength that he'd worked so hard for over the past 11 days would have been for nothing. After he'd kissed Billy good bye he'd gone down to his boat. He'd fueled up, brought enough gas to last him at least a week and took off, unsure of where he was heading. All he knew was that he needed to get away from the city ...the confusion and the pain. It was then that he took a really hard look at his life, and realized what was important to him. And that was why he couldn't call Kevin back. Every time his phone rang and he saw Kevin's name and number appear, he closed

his eyes and counted to five. As soon as the message alert tone went off, he would check the message, listen to what he had to say and then erase it, willing himself not to return the call. He just couldn't. This was too important to him, f inding out who exactly Nick Carter was.

But now that he could see Kevin, see how pale he was, how withdrawn his skin was, Nick wondered if he'd made the right decision cutting all contact off with him. With Billy and Kyle. It was a necessary evil though because he needed to think on his own. With no outside distractions. He could feel Kevin's gaze on him and he quickly looked up, blue eyes meeting green. Years of memories passing in that one gaze. The multitude of emotions hitting both of them fast and furious, causing both to take a sharp intake of breath. The other three were forgotten, them the only ones in the room now. At least to each other it was just them. Nothing else mattered.

Kevin tried to swallow, his throat tight and dry. He licked his lips nervously, unable to read the expression in Nick's eyes. He wanted him to say something, to break the ice but Nick said nothing. Made no move at all. In the back of his mind, Kevin knew that their exchange must have looked strangely odd to Brian, AJ and Howie, but he couldn't help it. Nick always managed to take his breath away, especially since he hadn't seen him in what seemed like a lifetime.

Nick's heart was beating so loudly and quickly that he figured the others could hear it. The blood in his veins were deafening to him and he had to remind himself to breathe. He blinked to regain his composure, taking a few seconds to revel in the darkness his closed eye lids provided, but when he opened them, he saw that Kevin's gaze still hadn't faltered. He was still staring at him intently, eyes revealing absolutely everything and nothing, all at the same time. Nick let out a deep breath and heard Kevin's voice.

"Guys.. Before we start ...I think we should talk." Kevin spoke, his voice steady, a betrayal of the mess that was mucking around in his head and heart.

"Talk?" Nick squeaked, his cool composure broken instantly. He hadn't expected this, not at all.

"What's on your mind cuz?" Brian asked, sitting beside Kevin on the couch, resting his hand on his arm comfortingly. It was as if Brian knew that it was vitally important, that Kevin's 'talk' was going to be life altering for them. That the weight of the group was going to be the main topic of discussion. Maybe whatever Kevin had to talk about would explain the condition in which he'd showed up at AJ's house in. He'd never seen his cousin looking this unhealthy, unhappy. Even during the lawsuit ..even during the endless days of touring without a day off. Kevin had always been the strong one. And now, now he looked as if he were at his breaking point.

Kevin paused, taking a second to look at each of his 'brothers', wanting to remember this moment as the second most important moment he'd ever experienced, the first being when Nick walked out and said good bye. "I think there's a few things you need to know..."

I think you're so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - This in my life
I think I'm just scared - Do I talk too much
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing