Story 4: It All Began With A Kiss

~Kevin's POV~

People are under the misconception that I've always got everything under control. That I always know exactly what I'm doing and that I'm confident in my decisions. In my life. In all honesty, they couldn't be farther from the truth. It's true, I am a very controlling person and can be confident to the point of cockiness. But that's not the case all the time. There was a period of my life that I wasn't sure about anything. When I had no idea what the fuck I was doing and how my life had gotten to the point it had. One minute I knew what I wanted, knew that there was nothing stopping me from achieving my goals and the next my breath had been taken away and my world had been turned upside down. Of course I would never let any of the other guys know this, I was the big brother. I was the one what they were supposed to be able to lean on, turn to when they were having problems. I wonder if they'd still have come to me for advice if they knew what a farce I was. What a sham. Every time they would ask me what they should do about a girl and I would ask them why they were coming to me, they would always answer 'well Kev, you know everything. You're so experienced in this stuff.' It wouldn't have looked right to laugh at them, tell them that I couldn't even figure out my own love life, why should they trust me with theirs. I didn't know whether I was coming or going, was gay or straight. Every time I thought I had figured things out something else would happen and I would go back to right where I'd started from. It was all because of one person.

Nick.

Nick has always had this power over me, even when he didn't even realize it. The day we met will forever be ingrained in my head. It was the day I'd realized that I knew nothing at all. I thought that I was so sure of myself. I was 21 years old, in Orlando to make a name for myself in the music industry. I wanted to make everyone back home in Kentucky proud of me, and when I was told of an audition for a 90s version of New Kids on the Block, I thought 'what the hell'. I went to that audition and that's when it happened. I never knew that 13 year old boys could be so beautiful. That they could sing like angels and that they could make me feel things that up until then, only women could. When I met with Lou, it was just Nick, AJ and Howie so far. They'd apparently went to Lou with the idea of forming a group and were looking for 2 more voices to fill. So basically I was auditioning for them, and couldn't believe how nervous I was. No 13 year old kid was supposed to make my pulse rac e and my palms sweat.

But he did.

Somehow I got over it and sang, they loved me and the rest was, as they say, history. I called Brian back home, told him to catch the next flight down to Orlando and once we had auditioned, we were five. The Backstreet Boys. And damn if it wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Not only were we forced to go over to Europe for years, not returning for months at a time, but I had to deal with this problem of what to do about my feelings for Nick. Basically, I hung out with Howie who was closer to my age and ignored Nick, hoping that if I did, it would go away. It was a freak incident. It was because his hair was so long and he practically looked like a girl anyways, so that was it.

But it wasn't.

At first it was easy to ignore him, to push him away because he was so young and immature. He'd always hang out with Brian pulling pranks and stuff, and I think I spent more of the early years yelling at him than I did being friends with him. In the beginning, at night he would always cry in his bunk, homesick and I was appointed the one to go and comfort him. I was the oldest and they said he looked up to me the most. So grudgingly I would. I'd climb into his bunk and spoon behind him, smoothing his hair out and wiping the tears from his cheeks. And as he would fall asleep, I'd have to constantly remind myself that I wasn't attracted to him and that he wasn't available. There was no way I was gay or even bi, and I wasn't about to corrupt him to find out. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that I was some horny old guy looking to sexually molest him. So the next night when we'd be at a hotel, I'd pick up a girl and bring her back to my room, reminding myself that I was s traight. Plus it did get easier to deal with when I saw him noticing girls. He started coming to me with puberty issues that he was too embarrassed to ask anyone else about. What to do when he had his first erection, when he woke up one morning covered in cum from a wet dream, when he had his first kiss, stuff like that. When he would talk to me I would feel a twinge of jealousy but also one of relief. What the relief was for I don't know, but I think that I rationalized it as if he was straight, I would forget all about how hard I would get when we'd be curled together and figure out that this was just some cruel joke life was playing on me.

I hear Nick giggling from across the room and look up from the book that I'm reading. Correction, supposed to be reading. I was reading it but can't seem to focus on more than a few words at a time, so right now I'm just turning pages every so often, hoping that he doesn't realize that something's wrong. Not that anything's wrong per se, but I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately. "What's so funny Nicky?" I ask, raising my eyebrows as he giggles harder and blushes. He's watching something on TV, it's baseball I think and he's got this far away look on his face evidence that he's not laughing at anything on the TV.

"Nothing. Just thinking." He replies. I know there's more to it. If he was just thinking he wouldn't be so red.

"About what?" This has to be good or he wouldn't be so secretive. I'm not going to let him go until he tells me, so I put down my book and give him that stare that says 'you might as well tell me because I'm going to get it out of you anyways.'

"Nothing Kev. Just thinking."

I know exactly how to get him to tell me what I want to know. Sliding from the chair, I start to crawl on the floor towards him, a sexy smirk on my face. "But you're blushing baby. What are you thinking about."

I hear him sigh and know that I've won. He's going to tell me. "I was just thinking of the beginning of the group, when we were just starting out and just thought of the first time I got hard. There was that tutor I'd had. The hot one. And I was thinking about how she'd always lean over me and her breast would brush against my shoulder, making me hard. And the word that popped into my head was boner and I realized just how stupid a word that is. And that made me laugh."

"You're giggling at the word boner?" I hold back a groan, wondering if this child is really my boyfriend. It's like he's 13 again and I nearly begin to have flashbacks of what things were like back then. "Oh shit Nicky. What happens when I say boobies? Or penis? Or vagina. Oooh ...vagina. There's a good one." I resume my crawling, teasing him mercilessly. He's blushing even worse than he was before and he's now biting his lip, wondering what I'm doing. I continue until I'm between his legs and drop my head onto his thigh, nuzzling against the growing bulge that's under his shorts. My hands are up around his waist, playing with it's elastic. "You think boners are funny?"

"Oh god Kev..."

"I don't know. I don't think that it's funny Nicky." He's breathing heavily and god if the look on his face isn't sex personified. He looks like he's almost in pain but I know that he's not, that he's completely turned on by this and is expecting me to go further. Not wanting to waste any time, I pull on the shorts, telling him that I want him to lift his hips. When he does, I pull the shorts down and off, throwing them across the room. He's hard and leaking and fuck if I don't want to just cum right now, looking at his cock. Now I've seen a lot of them in my day and I have to admit that none are even close to Nick's. It's absolutely beautiful, so long and thick and right now it's right in front of my face, just begging me to take a taste.

He laughs for a few seconds and knowing what will shut him up I lick a trail from the bottom to the top and roll it's head around my mouth. Just as I'd expected, the laughter stops and is replaced with a loud groan. I know what he wants me to do. It's crystal clear seeing that he's moved my mouth right over it, but I want to hear him say it.

"God baby.. Please. Fucking suck me."

"Suck what Nick?"

"My cock baby."
"Your cock? You mean this?" Grasping it in my hand I pump it a few times watching pre cum escape the slit.

"Yeah baby. Oh so good. God you feel so good. Suck it for me."

I know it'll piss him off, so I giggle for a few seconds. He's about to say something so I open my mouth, relax my jaw and take him in as far as he will go. My eyes are fixed on him and I watch his head roll back, feel his hips thrust up further into my mouth. I don't want to waste time, so I suck him hard and fast, using my tongue to roll him around in my mouth, feeling each ridge and crevice. Almost instantly, at least it feels that way to me, he's cumming fiercely into my mouth, his fingers still wrapped tightly in my hair. I can hear him cry out loud and have to hold myself from cumming as well. As soon as I feel his cock deflate in my mouth, I clean him up and sit back, wiping my mouth clean. I give him a little wink and feel a sense of pride at the look of complete ecstasy on his face. Grabbing his shorts from the floor, I toss them to him and go back to my chair, picking up my book and pretending to read again. It's absolutely amazing that getting him off is enough for me s ometimes. I don't always need to cum to feel satisfied. The glow that is radiating off of him right now is worth any orgasm that anyone else could give me.

I gaze up from the page and see that goofy smile still on his face, a small smirk decorating mine. He's clearly not watching the game, still lost in his own thoughts and I love that I can sit here and just watch him without fear or embarrassment. There was a time where I never thought I'd be here. That I would ever get to this point in my life and I would have everything I ever could want. My dreams were granted that night that Nick showed up at Fetish, when he told me that he loved me too. But it took a lot of work to get to that point and there were definitely times when I thought that it would never happen. That I would be destined to love someone that couldn't love me back.

I remember Germany and how I'd effectively put my 'feelings' for Nick behind me. I'd chalked it up to me being confused and not knowing what I wanted. I was in a strange place, stranger people and food and was overworked and over tired from the constant touring. There was no way that I was feeling anything for Nick

and that was it. At least that's what I'd convinced myself of until that one night. The one night that made me realize that I was fooling myself. I was 23 and Nick was now 15, and we'd known each other for 2 years already. He'd long since stopped coming to me with anything, Brian now his confidante. It was clear that he was distancing himself from me and Howie which I think was mainly due to our impatience with him. That night is so clear in my head that I don't think I could forget it if I wanted. We were getting ready to return to the States for a little while and so everyone was a little wired. It was on the tour bus in some unknown part of Europe and Nick was doing his best to annoy the hell out of us. He'd sneak past us and mess up Howie's hair knowing it would freak him out and at one point he ran towards me and threw himself on me, gangly body and everything. Catching me by surprise, he turned to me and kissed me, full on the mouth. Now I don't think he would remember this since it was something he did to any one of us at any time, but I for one always will. He leaned in and pressed our mouths together, holding it for about 10 seconds when I realized what he was doing and reacted. I could feel myself getting hard and stood up, dropping him to the floor. His reaction had been to giggle and run away from me, locking himself in the back room of the bus with Brian. AJ and Howie mistook my confusion and embarrassment for anger which was probably for the best and with a red face I stormed to my bunk, closing the curtain. I don't think I slept a wink that night, spending the whole time wondering what the hell I was going to do. It was with that one kiss I realized that I wasn't straight and that I was in love with Nick. It was no use trying to deny it any further because the erection in my pants was sign enough of how I really felt. That kiss replayed in my head a million times, each one different than the last. Sometimes I would open my mouth and lick at his lips with my tongue, or sometimes he would open his mouth and lick mine. And a few times, only a few I would allow myself to imagine that things would go further than that. We'd be alone in the room and he'd press me back against the couch I was sitting on, and lay on top of me, pulling at my clothes while I pulled at his. We'd undress each other and just as the fantasy would get really intense, I would cum and it would be over.

I don't think I could look him in the eye for a few days after that, unsure if he'd felt how hard I was. If he did, he hadn't said anything to me which relieved me. I didn't want him to be awkward around me and was going to do everything in my power to stop that from happening. It wasn't too long afterwards that we were back in the States, trying to promote ourselves here as well. We were pretty successful overseas, and Lou figured that we'd give North America a few months, and if we didn't take off, we'd head back over and tour a little longer over there. That's when we found ourselves in New York. It was winter of 95, I remember this because I'd just turned 24. It had been maybe a few months since I'd realized that I was bi and had been discreetly testing out the waters. Of course, none of the guys came even close to how I felt for Nick, but it did what I needed it to. And that was to verify my bisexuality. Yes I found men as attractive as women. Yes they could get me off just a s hard, if not harder. And yes my life would never be the same. All because of one kiss. One brief touch of Nick's lips on mine was all it took for me to fall deeper into love than I thought would ever be possible. To question my entire upbringing. To question my whole life, where I'd been and where I was going.

Of course, this new revelation was just the beginning of a domino effect that would ultimately effect so much more than my sexual preference. We were in New York for promo stuff, radio stations and magazine interviews and so forth and there I'd caught up with a few friends I'd had in Orlando. One was a very close friend of mine that had become a confidante of sorts. Daniel was someone who I could always tell anything to and he would understand, no questions asked. I knew that he would never divulge my secrets, just as I would never divulge any of his. We had gone out one night for drinks, just the two of us and I told him what I'd realized. How in the past 3 years I had fallen in love with someone, that it was a guy and he was considerably younger than me. Illegally younger. All with a sympathetic smile, he listened to me. We got drunker as the night wore on and as it turns out, the more I drink, the more I talk. I told him everything that night. Everything that I'd been feeling a nd was afraid to admit, everything I was feeling and hadn't even realized it yet. I just began to talk and talk, at one point not even sure what I was talking about anymore. But he listened. He listened to everything I said and didn't judge me. I have no idea how I got back to my room that night, but when I woke up in the morning, I found a glass of water with two Tylenol beside my bed. There was that and an envelope with a card in it. There was a name on the card that read Obsessions and an address. On the back of the card I recognized Daniel's handwriting, instructing me to go to the address on the card that night, around 11ish.

That night a part of me I didn't even know existed was born. I went to the club and found that it was a fetish bar. A hard core bar that catered to a lifestyle that up until that night, I had only heard about. Something I wasn't sure that I would be interested in, but as I watched everyone in action I felt a sense of belonging I hadn't found anywhere else. Not even being with the guys on tour provided me with this feeling of wonder, amazement. At that club that night, I felt alive. I felt more alive than I had in I couldn't remember how long and it was then that I began to understand who I was. I was mostly there as an observer, not doing any dominating or being dominated, but what I was given a taste of, I found that I liked. I liked the control, something that I wasn't used to. I liked the pain as well as the pleasure, and I liked the wrongness of it. The deviance it brought with it. The night ended too soon for my liking and I found myself back at the hotel, mind racing at ever ything I had seen and felt that night. It put my otherwise vanilla life in perspective, and I found that there had been an emptiness in me I hadn't even realized was there.

Of course, it took me a little longer than that one night to determine what I wanted to do, but the bug had been planted. Ideas were forming at a whirlwind speed in my mind, and a few months later I'd made a decision. I was going to open a club like Obsessions. My own little haven away from the bubble gum pop life which was soon becoming my reality. There was a lot about me that Lou didn't know, that the others didn't

know and I liked that. I liked being two different people, by day being the older brother that everyone could count on, but by night I would frequent leather bars, alternative clubs and so forth. Something that no one would ever suspect. Howie was the only one that was old enough to get into bars and clubs and he always did his own thing, so no one questioned where I would go all hours of the night. I would just tell them I was going to a club and they believed me, not thinking twice about it. If I was ever in a situation where there would be marks left over, I would ask that they be put in places that no one would see, so not to raise suspicion. So rather than to ignore that side of me, looking for a place that catered to my sexual preferences, I thought that the present was the best time to take action. While we were on the road, I had a friend of mine Derrick check out Tampa for a good building to buy. Something that would cater to what I envisioned the club to be. It was then that he found the building at 6969 Darkness Blvd. So no one would know what I was doing, when I had to put my bid in to buy it, I used the name Scott Richards. The last thing I wanted was for people to be able to trace it to me. I'd flown home one weekend to see the building, although I trusted Derrick completely and upon seeing the abandoned warehouse I knew I'd found it. I found Fetish.

I feel him watching me and I look up, my eyes meeting his crystal blue ones. He's staring at me intently and I smile at him. I can feel my cheeks getting warmer under his gaze. "What?"

"Nothing. Just watching you read." He looks as if he's thinking about something and I can't help but wonder what.

"Oh." I look down at the book and pretend that I'm reading hoping that he will go back to watching the game. I know he's still looking at me without even looking, but I can't help but peek anyways. As I look up again, I see that he hasn't moved and I blush again, scrunching my nose up. It always embarrasses me when he watches me like that. His gaze so intense, a small smirk on his lips. I don't even think he knows how sexy he is when he's just watching you, concentrating. It makes me want to just go over there and kiss and lick him all over. Shaking my head I look down at the book, ignoring the little voice that is telling me to do just that. I vaguely hear the TV being clicked off when he begins to speak.

"Baby? I'm gonna take a shower."

I nod and as he passes by he places a kiss to the top of my head. Looking up, he kisses me softly on my lips and heads up the stairs to the bathroom. I can't help but watch him leave the room, the way those shorts cover his ass is amazing. I haven't met anyone, man or woman who's ass compares to Nick's. It's just the most delicious thing in the world. The way he moans when I squeeze it ...or bite it ....or spank it ...or even when I'm thrusting in and out of it furiously, wanting to slam in at just the right angle that will make him cum instantly, without me having to do anything else. I groan out loud into the empty room at that thought and as I hear the water turn on in the shower in our bedroom, I wonder if I should forego the trip down memory lane and join him in there. It's only when I look up at the mantelpiece and see a picture of Nick and I with Kyle and Billy, taken on our vacation to the Dominican, that I remember how important this self reflection is to me. To us. Looki ng at that picture makes me feel a multitude of emotions. We had all gone into the nearby village and hung around with the local children, experiencing the culture. Nick had asked one of the local people if he would take a picture of us. He did and there we were, standing all together all hugging one another, smiles nearly a mile wide. Skin all golden brown from spending all day out in the sun, just relaxing. Three of the most important people in my life are in that picture. Three people who mean so much to me in so many different ways. Three people that have made me who I am today and who are my reason for existence. I've learned a lot from my experiences since the opening of Fetish and even as I think back to the past 7 1/2 years I have trouble believing that it was my life.

At 24 I was living a double life. I had the group, but I also had this club in Tampa. We'd named it Fetish and had it designed loosely based on Obsessions. Daniel had come down from New York to give us some pointers, and for the most part I was helping via phone and fax. We had gone back to Europe for a few months to finish off a tour before we were to return to North America for good. We had decided that we'd exhausted overseas and were going to make an attempt to mirror our success at home. When Fetish was ready to open, I made sure I was there to oversee it, pleased at the change in the building from when I had seen it last. The upstairs had been completely renovated offering one large room as well as 5 smaller rooms off to the side. The smaller rooms were probably originally offices, but I'm sure we could find suitable uses for them in time. A bar was put up in the upstairs open room and there was a door and staircase sectioning it off from the downstairs. I knew I wanted to u se it for my private quarters like Daniel had done in New York, it being a sort of VIP section. The downstairs was huge with three bars placed strategically throughout the room. There was a rather large dance floor in the centre with couches and chairs littering the perimeter. The corners were dimly lit and also had couches and chairs if people wanted a sort of privacy. The walls were painted a burgundy red and the lights would make them glow to a nearly blood red effect. The club had an almost medieval atmosphere which was exactly what I was going for.

The opening was mildly successful, although nothing in comparison to Obsessions. Granted, Daniel's club had been open for quite some time, and was in New York which had a reputation for such lifestyles, but I was hoping that we would have as great a turnout. The first few months passed by and I had questioned if I'd made the right decision opening the club, unsure if I would be capable to pull the whole 'scene' off. As the weeks wore on, word got out about the club and the type of activity that went on there and more people seemed to come out of the woodwork. It began to pick up and we started to make a profit, success not as far

off as we believed. I went whenever I was in town, overseeing much of what went on, but I still was unsure of my place there. Of course people knew me as the owner, not exactly knowing 'who' I was since we weren't all too popular in the States as of yet, but I didn't find the excitement and pleasure that I'd found at Obsessions. It wasn't until my 25th bi rthday that everything began to fall into place. That I found my inspiration.

The staff had thrown me a little party before the doors opened that night and I found myself restless, looking for something or someone to bring me out of the funk I had been in. My feelings for Nick were only growing stronger and I didn't know what I was to do about it. He was 16 and had recently started seeing some girl named Mandy. It wasn't serious, but he seemed pretty excited about her. She was blonde and pretty hot and was genuinely interested in him seeing that she didn't really know who he was or what he did, so that was an added bonus for Nick. It didn't make it hurt any less for me seeing him that happy, walking into a room watching them hold hands or kiss, wishing it were me. But he was happy and that's all I cared about. I was sitting alone in a chair in the corner of the room when I saw him.

He was the first man who caught my attention since Nick. There have been men, some I've even considered starting a relationship with, but usually they're the ones that approach me. I had yet to find anyone that had interested me enough to approach them. Until I saw him sitting there.

My heart instantly was in my throat and there were butterflies in my stomach. All I could see was the back of his head and it was like I'd stepped into a twilight zone. If I wasn't so sure that Nick was at his parents house, not even aware that this bar existed, I would have been certain that it was him. Just sitting there looking around nervously probably wondering what the hell he was doing at a place like this. Somehow this man had gotten upstairs and I had no idea how. Usually I was the one to authorize anyone being allowed up into the Lair but I hadn't seen this kid arrive. Derrick. It had to have been him who let this kid up knowing exactly who he looked like. Now I'd like to say that I didn't see Nick when I looked at him, but that would be a lie. In fact, Nick was all I could see when I first saw him. He had turned around slightly and I saw that there were differences, but not many. He was a dead ringer for Nick and I instantly felt myself react, my cock hardening consider ably. The first thing that went through my head was if I couldn't have Nick, this was definitely the next best thing. I sat and watched him for a few minutes. I saw that he watched people but didn't exactly interact, it was as if he was just soaking everything in, waiting for opportunity to strike. Well here came opportunity because there was no way I was letting this chance pass me by. It was my 25th birthday and I was going to have some fun. It's funny because all I could see was Nick, but when I got closer I noticed that this man was beautiful in his own way. The way his eyes twinkled, the way his upper lip curved slightly when he'd smile. Like I said, he was the first man to get this reaction from me since Nick, and although he was his twin, it was different.

Not wanting to waste any time and let this beautiful kid be approached by someone else I made my move. "You old enough to be in here junior?" I'd meant it to be a joke, a bit of an icebreaker but it appeared that I'd hit a nerve.

"Umm.. Y-y-yeah.. Of course I a-a-am."

'Oh fuck' I thought. What is it with me and younger boys. "It's okay. I was joking." I watched as he bit his lower lip nervously making it pink and wet. Groaning, all I wanted to do was throw him up against a wall and kiss him into next week, know what that mouth felt like on mine. Instead I kept up with the small talk. "I don't think I've seen you here before."

If I was going to do this, I was definitely going to need something to drink. I'd been holding back up until this point, wanting to be completely aware of what I was doing and what was going on before I'd started drinking.

"But?" He questioned, looking around, probably afraid that he'd get into trouble if he got carded.

"I'm the owner. It's fine. I won't tell if you don't." We did the shots and I waited for his coughing to subside, finding his innocence endearing. "Well, I'm Kevin, what's your name sexy?"

"Kyle."

"Well Kyle. What are you doing in a place like this?"

"What's anyone doing in a place like this Kevin? Here to fulfill sexual desires. Achieve ultimate sexual gratification."

I had to hold back the groan and cough that was threatening as he said that, his knee so smoothly pressing against my cock which was now throbbing and hard. Thankfully I recovered quickly and regained control of the situation. "What's your sexual desire? What's your fetish?"

"To be dominated ...controlled." As he said that, his voice dropped a few octaves and his hand reached up, caressing my face. I felt the electricity between us and all thoughts of Nick were now gone from my mind. This was the first time in as long as I could remember that I wasn't even thinking about him, my senses and my mind only focused on the beautiful blonde in front of me. Kyle. I think it was during that exchange, us just sitting there staring at one another with his hand on my cheek that I was afforded a glimpse of something real,

something new and I wanted it. Craved it. As much as I loved and wanted Nick, I needed something else. And this man was my means to get it, this man WAS it. But that I think was the last thing I was expecting him to say.

"Excuse me?"

"I like to be dominated. Have someone be in control of me... Tell me what to do to please them ...please others." Kyle paused, something flashing in his eyes. "Does that turn you on Kev? The thought of me submitting to you? Doing whatever you tell me to do?"

I don't know if it was the promise in his voice, the deviance in his eyes or just the mental image of him submitting to me but I couldn't answer him. At least verbally anyways. My stomach clenched and I moaned softly, my body shivering subconsciously.

"Yeah, I think it does. Me doing whatever you tell me to, with whoever you tell me to. You ever want a submissive Kev? Have control over someone? I'd submit to you ...do whatever you want whenever you want it. Oh god.. That would feel so fucking good."

At some point his hand had moved from his own lap to mine, palming and cupping my cock. He was massaging it lightly and I found my hips involuntarily thrusting into his hand. If he wanted to play this game than I wasn't going to protest. "Suck my cock. You seem to enjoy playing with it so much ...I want to feel your mouth on it." I demanded, nodding down to his hand in my lap.

I watched him smile at me and if I wasn't so focused on him blowing me, I would have pulled him up for a kiss. He unbuckled my pants and let the zipper down reaching his hand in to pull out my cock which was now so hard it was leaking. Now I hadn't been sure if he'd done this before, and as he swallowed me down I didn't particularly care. He opened his mouth, relaxed his jaw and I felt my whole cock slide effortlessly down his throat, him only stopping once he'd completely deep throated me. And that was something NO ONE had ever done before. It was in that exact second that I realized I'd stumbled on someone special, something special and wasn't about to let him get away.

Once I'd cum and he'd cleaned me up sufficiently, I pulled him to a darkened corner to talk to him more. I wanted to know about him, find out what he wanted and was hoping to god it was what I wanted too. He seemed almost afraid of me which I would have laughed at if I didn't think he'd have labeled me as crazy. Really, I was more terrified than I'd ever been before, not wanting to do anything to mess this up. I sat in a chair and he stayed on his knees in front of me, answering only when I permitted him to do so. I was overwhelmed with a sense of power and sexual awakening at that moment and knew I was crossing a line that I would never be able to come back from. And now that I think about it, I knew I didn't want to go back. This was what I wanted, this was my destiny and I still believe that finding Kyle that night was a blessing. It was fate. I found out what I needed to know from him that night. He was 20 and a fucking virgin with guys. Before blowing me, he'd only ever kisse d a man before, and this distressed me. There was no way I was going to force him into doing something he didn't want to do. He seemed more than willing then and there and I wanted to make sure that this was what he wanted. That I was who he wanted to do it with. I suggested we meet the next day over lunch after he'd had a night to think about everything we'd talked about and he'd seen at Fetish. He agreed and I knew I should have left it there, but I couldn't. I wasn't sure if he would show up the next day, or if I would ever see him again, so instinctively, I pulled him close and kissed him. It was a hard, passionate kiss where my tongue swept everywhere in his mouth, tasting him mercilessly. He was more tentative in the kiss and as he allowed for his tongue to enter my mouth, I sucked it in and bit down hard reveling in the gasp and moan that resulted. What I hadn't realized was how sensitive he was and as soon as I'd bit down on him, he came hard, his legs unable to support him. "We're gonna have to work on that kid." I muttered wondering what I'd gotten myself into. Walking away I knew I had to go. Had to let him make the decision as to whether or not this was what he wanted.

It was.

I hear Nick coming down the stairs and realize that the water has been off for a while now. He's out of the shower and I think I'm still on the same page he was on when he left.

"Where'd you put the towels baby?" I ask, not even looking up from the book. I can just imagine what the upstairs bathroom and our bedroom looks like. He's definitely not the neatest person in the world.

"I threw it on your oak dresser Kev. But don't worry, I rang out all the water first. On the carpet of course but still..."

My head snaps up and if he was closer to me I'd be kicking his ass right about now. I can tell he's kidding by the teasing tone in his voice, but he knows how that drives me crazy. "Don't even joke about that Nick. I swear ..."

"God baby. Relax. Towels are in the hamper, shower curtain is closed. Caps are shut on the bottles and I didn't even draw pictures in the fog on the mirrors. I know how much you hate that."

He's fucking right I hate that. And knowing how much I hate it, he finds it funny every time he does it. The worst was the morning he'd drawn cartoon characters in the mist on the mirror and when it dried there were streaks all over, the mirror looking absolutely awful. I think I screamed for about half an hour, grabbing the Windex and cleaning it until I think he got tired of me ranting and he came into the bathroom with me. Before I could say anything, he'd put the Windex and paper towels on the counter, pulled my pants to the floor and began sucking me off, making me cum so hard I barely knew my name let alone why I was mad at him. That memory and the knowledge that he hasn't messed up the bathroom and bedroom causes me to relax considerably.

"What are you gonna do?" I ask him, stretching out and yawning.

"I think I'm just gonna go upstairs and write for a bit. You mind?"

"No. I'm just gonna read. Just chill down here. I'll be up later." I know how important writing in his journal is for him. Plus I really want to just be able to sit down here and think, figure everything out that's in my head. He smiles at me and grabs the blanket from the back of the couch, bringing it over to me and tucking me in snugly. I love it when he gets all maternal with me and I raise my face, puckering my lips for him to give me a kiss. When he leans down to cover my mouth with his, I try to pull him down, wanting more. He pulls back and I can't help but whimper at the loss of his mouth on mine.

"Night baby. I won't wait up." He whispers softly, placing one more kiss on my lips before standing up.

"I won't be too late." I say, watching him go back up to our bedroom.

Again, my gaze is drawn to that picture of the four of us and my focus remains on Kyle. I'm brought back to the day after we met and I smile at how comfortable we were with each other. We talked for nearly 12 hours that day, learning as much about the other as we could, in the meantime learning about ourselves as well. That resemblance to Nick was uncanny but as much as he reminded me of him, he didn't. We set out the rules and the basics of our relationship at Fetish. In the club I was in charge, I was his master he was my pet. I'd named him Puppy for the sole reason that he seemed so eager to please. But outside of the club we were equals. But I didn't really see us interacting much outside of the club. It wasn't about that. It was mainly supposed to be about sexual release, and there was no room for this lifestyle or him outside of those club walls. Of course, I was wrong about that, but at the time I thought I had everything all figured out. My biggest concern was him being a virgin. Yeah, he'd slept with women, but having sex with another man was something serious and I didn't want him to do it because he had to. That was probably the thing that bothered me the most when we met that day. I didn't want to take that to him in such a harsh and controlled environment. I thought it should be special, so when he arrived on my doorstep a week later, asking me to make love to him, to be his first I knew I was in over my head.

The way he looked at me with those eyes, the emotion and the adoration I knew he was in too deep. He was feeling more than was healthy for our arrangement, but as I looked at him I realized that I was reaching that danger zone as well. Where I should have been more forceful and adamant that I wasn't the right person, I wanted to be that person. I wanted to make love to him, to have him in my bed, to watch him as he came, holding onto me tightly. So I relented. I agreed and brought him up to my bedroom, teaching him everything he wanted to know. I showed him what to do to please me, to please himself and after we had both cum many times, I let him sleep, holding him close to my body, our arms and legs tangled together. He was just as beautiful when he slept as he was when he was awake, when he was laughing, or smiling, or crying out from yet another orgasm as I slammed directly into his prostate while jerking him off. And at that moment I knew that things had just gotten that much more complicated.

I didn't exactly tell him about Nick. He knew about him and the others, how we were in a musical group, but didn't know what Nick meant to me. Or how closely he resembled him. I knew that he would find out eventually. We were getting more popular and it would only be a matter of time before our faces were plastered over every magazine and television screen. So of course he would see Nick and ..well I didn't know what would happen then. I had no clue as to how he would react to that. So I chose to ignore it, hoping that the day would never come.

We spent a lot of time together in the beginning, getting together at least once a week for lunch to just talk normally. The club didn't leave a lot of time or opportunity to 'talk' so we arranged that time to just hang out, again knowing how wrong it was but not caring. He was someone I could talk to about the group, or Lou or recording and I knew he would listen. I knew he would understand the confusion and the frustration I was feeling and he in return would tell me about school and his family. The more we talked, the closer we got and I think it was during this time that I began to fall in love with him. I could see in his eyes how much he felt for me, how deep his feelings were and I'm pretty sure he thought I was blind to it. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I saw it and it honestly scared me. There were so many times when I wanted to let him know how flattered I was, how much I was feeling for him too, but I couldn't. As much as I cared for Kyle, as much as h e made me feel my heart was still with Nick and I couldn't take that chance. So I didn't. I kept things as light between us as I could, ignoring the way he made me feel when we were together, sexually and casually. I was confused, because if I loved Nick as much as I knew I did, I wouldn't have these feelings for Kyle. And I had long since stopped comparing him to Nick. At first that's what I would do. I would say and do things to see how

he would react, if Nick would react the same way and constantly would measure them up against one another. But somehow during that first year it stopped. I can't say when, but there was a day when I saw Kyle as a completely separate individual from Nick and it was then that I realized how serious our 'relationship' was. How deep I was in.

He had asked me on a few occasions about Nick, and I would talk about him to a certain degree, but nothing vital, nothing substantial. I didn't miss the way his eyes would slant and the look of disgust when we would discuss Nick, the jealousy overwhelmingly obvious. At the time I knew I should tell Kyle everything, but I couldn't. I didn't want to lose him. The time had long since passed and I convinced myself that if I forgot about it and pretended hard enough, it wouldn't be an issue. Looking back I would have done so much differently. All my efforts in trying to keep Kyle in the dark about Nick was in vain, and the worst part of it was that it was my birthday when it all came to a head. When I almost lost him. It's almost funny when you think about it, my desire to have complete control over everything is what seems to get me in the most trouble. I try to protect people from getting hurt, but find that it only blows up in my face in the long run. But they say that hind sight is 20/20.

The day of my birthday, our one year anniversary was the day that it all came out. I told him everything he wanted to know. He had seen a picture of Nick and put things together as best he could, assuming that I was using him because I couldn't have what I wanted. I hadn't realized that wasn't the case until he confronted me on it, the prospect of him leaving me showing me just how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. When he calmed down enough so that I could talk to him, I poured my heart out to him as best I could. I told him about Nick, how I felt about him and how I knew he didn't feel the same way. I could see the pain in his face and I hated hurting him like this. I knew how much me telling him I was in love with Nick hurt him but I couldn't lie to him. We made love that night for the second time, and a year had definitely changed things between us. There was more emotion, more intimacy and I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening as we both came, cling ing desperately to one another. He fell asleep quite soon after and again, as I had a year before when we'd done it the first time, I held him close and watched him sleep. Wondering how it was possible for me to feel so much for two people, confusion setting in my brain. I knew it shouldn't happen, that I should have stayed away from interaction outside of the club, but I couldn't. There was something about him that drew me to him, made me want him all the time. I woke first in the morning and reveled in the secure feeling of waking up with someone. Usually, when I spent the night with someone, I was gone before the condom hit the garbage can. Or they were. Luxuries like waking up with them in the morning just didn't happen, I didn't want them to. There was just no place in my life for that shit, but Kyle was different. He was special. "You're so beautiful when you sleep." I whispered as I watched him wake up, his eyes cautious. I just knew that he was analyzing everything, probably surprised that I was still there. I had to calm his fears, let him know what I was thinking. "And I know you aren't Nick. I don't want you to be him. I want you to be you." He still didn't say anything, nodding his head slowly. He looked down right confused and damn if he wasn't absolutely sexy and beautiful first thing in the morning. "I'm not saying that I don't love him any less. I'm in love with him and that's not something I can change. But I am just saying I have feelings for you too."

As I move in my chair, I realize that I have to go to the bathroom. Standing up I stretch and figure that if I'm going to go up, I might as well bring Nick something with me. Making my way into the kitchen, I put the kettle on the stove for some tea. I'll make us both a cup and leave mine down here to steep while I go up. Waiting for the water to boil, my mind begins to wander again.

The next while was crazy, we never realized just how big we would get in the states. We already had one CD released in Europe and Canada and no one in our home country even knew who we were. With the release of Backstreet's Back, word leaked down from Canada to the US and suddenly we were getting air time. Quit Playin Games was breaking through the charts, a single we'd done almost a year before. It was time for us to start touring and that meant that I would have to say good-bye to the club and Kyle for a while. Thinking about that now, I think it was one of the best things that could have happened to both of us. At that time I was devastated, but ultimately it did us both a world of good. I knew that whenever things got to stressful and I had some time off, I could go back and seek solace in the darkened Lair of the club. Not that I had a lot of time to do that, but I knew that I could if I needed to. Kyle had school to finish and I knew that while in Tampa, I was an unneeded di straction.

The whistle of the kettle breaks through my thoughts and I prepare Nick's tea, peppermint with one sugar and some lemon. Just how he likes it. Careful not to spill, I carry it up the stairs to our bedroom, taking a second to just look at him sprawled across the bed writing in his journal. His back is bare and I admire the tattoos that decorate his flawless skin. He has definitely grown into a stunning man and there are times that I have to stop and pinch myself, unable to believe that he's mine. I clear my throat and he looks up making me smile. "Tea." I say as I place it on a coaster on the night stand.

"Thanks."

He lifts his head and I know what he's asking for without him having to say it. I place a kiss on his lips and walk towards the bathroom. I can still feel his eyes on me and I know he won't continue what he's doing until I'm gone. Finishing up, I wash my hands and head back towards the door. Just as I'm about to step through it, I turn around and really look at him. "I love you Nicky." I say, needing to just let him know. I know he knows, but I just have to say it.

"I love you too Boo." I think I needed to hear that too. Closing the door behind me, I go back downstairs and grab the blanket from the chair I was previously sitting in, moving to the couch to curl up in Nick's spot. We have our own places that we sit when we watch TV and sometimes when I'm at home alone watching TV or a movie, I'll curl up in his place. It just makes me feel closer to him and right now, that's what I need.

The tour. That tour was the hardest I think we'd ever done. We went to sold out shows in Europe to barely breaking even here in the states. Girls loved us, but it was different. Parents were still remembering what happened with New Kids on the Block and weren't as eager to do the same with another 'boy band'. We were five guys all loaded onto one tour bus which wasn't big enough for us, plus with the added stresses of what was going on with our management and record company. I had no proof that things weren't on the level, but I had a feeling that Lou was helping a lot more than just us with our careers. I'd told Kyle about my suspicions and he listened, telling me that I should do what I felt was right. Not wanting to do anything without positive proof, I kept quiet, remaining one of 5 puppets he was dangling from a string.

One thing I was sure of during that time was that I was still in love with Nick. But also missed Kyle like crazy. I'd phone every so often to check up with Derrick, and as much as I wanted to contact Kyle, I couldn't. I knew from talking to Derrick that he was doing well with school and would be graduating as Valedictorian of his programme. He never knew how proud I was of him. He constantly told me that I was the reason he did as well as he did, that I pushed him to want to fulfill his dreams. He saw how I made my dreams came true, how independent I was and how hard I worked for everything I had, and he wanted to do the same. What he didn't know was that I already was more proud of him than I was of anyone. He was one of the strongest people I knew and although I wasn't there with him, I made sure to know how he was doing.

I received an invitation to his graduation in the mail and knew immediately I was going to be there. I didn't care what else was planned for that day, what we had scheduled, nothing was going to stop me from being there to see it. To watch him deliver his speech and accept his degree. Of course I didn't want him to know I was going, I wanted it to be a surprise so I didn't tell him. I caught a flight from Ottawa to Tampa and drove as fast as I could, knowing that I would still be late. It was hard trying to avoid telling everyone why I had to go, but in the end they knew that I was a grown man and didn't have to answer to anyone but my own mother. The dean was speaking about something or other when I arrived and I made my way to the side of the stage where there were no chairs. There was a tree and I stood underneath, waiting for Kyle to deliver his speech. I could tell how nervous he was walking up and detected a note of sadness that shouldn't have been there. This was what he ha d been working for for so long, and he looked almost empty. That emptiness disappeared instantly when our eyes met. He was midway through his speech when he saw me and at the look of surprise in his eyes, I gave him a small smile and a wink. My hands were in my pockets, shaking slightly. I was so proud watching him deliver that speech and walking across the stage, a sense of achievement affecting me. I know I had nothing to do with it, but him wanting to share this moment with him made me feel as though it were happening to me as well.

This was going to be a difficult trip for so many reasons, but I couldn't wait to get him back to my house so we could talk. So I could give him the present that was in my coat pocket. The reason my hands were shaking so much.

"Kyle, I've missed you so much baby. It's been too long!" I murmured against his lips, kissing him passionately. We'd just finished dinner and retired to my bedroom suddenly neither of us able to keep our hands off of one another.

"I know.. When will you be back?"

"No clue.. Things are getting really big for us... Constant touring." In between kisses we were quickly undressing each other, touching and stroking skin that we'd been denied access to for so long.

"I know. I'm so proud Kev. You guys are great. You're gonna be so big baby." He said making me stop. The emotion in his voice and the genuine excitement there reminded me why I loved him so much. So many people were coming out of the woodwork, trying to jump on the bandwagon now that we were getting bigger. People who had told us that we'd go nowhere were suddenly trying to get a piece of us and it was so infrequent that we had someone who was genuinely supportive of us, not wanting anything in return. No jealousy, no greed. It was then I knew I had to give him his present. I pulled away, receiving a whimper of protest from him. "I've got something I want to give you." I explained, walking towards my dresser, where I'd put the box.

"You gave me presents downstairs Kev. You didn't get me anything else did you?" I was amazed at how surprised he was by my presents. I knew I'd gone a little overboard, but he had graduated as Valedictorian. That was HUGE. Plus he already had a job lined up at a respectable Law Firm, something some lawyers work years for and never achieve.

Giggling I grabbed the small box and ran back towards the bed, jumping in beside him. I leaned down and kissed him passionately, covering his body with my own. When we broke I kissed his nose and sat up, straddling his waist. It was then I gave him the box. He looked at it curiously and gave me a weary smile. When

he opened the box I saw tears fill his eyes, and he looked at me questioningly.

"So you know how much you mean to me. How much WE mean to me." I whispered, wiping his tears away, not realizing I had some of my own. He pulled the ring out and looked at it, his hands trembling. "Read the inscription." I said with a smile.

I'd had our initials and the date we met, my 25th birthday, engraved on the inside of the band and showed him I had one of my own on my hand. As soon as he slipped it on the ring finger of his right hand, he pulled me down and kissed me frantically. All discussion was lost for the night and I knew that the rest of what I had come here to do would have to wait until the morning.

What I had to tell Kyle the next morning was difficult but something he needed to know. I'd begun talking to Nick about stuff. Or rather he'd begun talking to me. He'd broken up with Mandy and slipped into a depression. Thinking that he was helping, AJ rented some porn and got some beer and threw Nick a pity party, hoping to pull him out of the depression. What he ended up doing was confusing Nick even more. Or clarifying things. Depending on how you look at it. All I know is that AJ was designated my guardian angel for his efforts, helping me to get closer to my ultimate dream of having Nick to myself. To helping us find our way to one another. The whole interaction had happened a few months before I'd been to Kyle's graduation but we hadn't talked for more than a few minutes at a time for me to tell him about the change in position. To let him know that my hope had been rekindled.

So with my heart in my throat, I told Kyle this. The entire time I explained about Nick and I, I saw him playing with the ring I'd given him the night before. I know he was trying to hide his disappointment, his anger but I saw it. I felt it. And for some reason I selfishly ignored it, figuring that he would understand. He had to understand because he knew how long I'd loved Nick, that we were soul mates. But I didn't let myself think too hard about Kyle's reaction to Nick or my news, all I could think about was the point that I had a chance with him. That some day, Nick might realize that the person he's meant to be with forever was right in front of him.

That night, the night that Nick and I had our heart to heart was my best and worst dream all rolled into one. I'd run into Nick as he flew from AJ's room looking as though he'd seen a ghost. Sensing that he needed someone to talk to, I'd brought him into my room to talk. He confessed to me that he'd been watching porn in AJ's room and got hard when some guy on the screen had been jerking off on some girl. And it wasn't the girl that he was getting hard over. It was then that the hope was sparked. As much as I'd dreamed that Nick was gay or bi, I never really thought that there was a chance. Never let myself believe it. But the more we talked about it, the more Nick admitted to finding men attractive. He was trying to repress it, not knowing what to do about it and it felt eerily like what I'd gone through. Him trying to convince himself it was because he was lonely, or depressed, or some other excuse to make him feel attracted to men. That it wasn't real, but the more it happened, he was finding it harder to deny. The same thing I'd gone through. Not wanting to get overly excited, I asked him if there was anyone in particular that he wanted, that he was interested in. And as he thought about it I prayed to god that he'd say yes and admit his love for me. Of course, life isn't that easy and he said no, that there wasn't. My heart fell to my stomach and I had to swallow the bitter taste of disappointment, but at least I had a chance. My odds of him feeling the same about me as I felt for him were getting greater.

It's amazing how that night brought us closer together. He knew I was bisexual. He'd seen men coming from my room and I'd admitted it to him that night, letting him know that there was nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man as well as a woman. And he knew that he could always come to me if he needed any advice, if he needed just to talk about it. I knew how difficult it was trying to figure out who you were at that age, let alone doing it in front of the world. At this time we had all eyes focused on us and everything we did was newsworthy. Thus discretion was pivotal. He needed to be careful with what he did and who he was doing it with. I don't think I realized how far we had drifted apart until we were brought together by this shared secret. And I liked this new found intimacy with him, the closeness. If this was all I could have with him, I wasn't going to turn it down. It was hard though, being his confidant, hearing him talk about some guy he had a crush on, or the firs t guy he had kissed, or given a blow job to, or even had sex with. I assume it felt then how Kyle felt when I would talk to him about Nick and I understand why Kyle hated Nick for so long. Because I hated every guy Nick talked to me about. I didn't even know them but I hated them, because they were where I wanted to be. They got to do to him what I would only dream about, and it killed me each time he'd tell me about someone or something new.

But that's how things went. The club was a phenomenon. Word had long since gotten out and there were line ups every night we were open. People wanting to be among the fortunate ones to get inside. A routine had been set up and things flowed perfectly. The upper level, the Lair, was only for the chosen few. MY chosen few. With Kyle's help, I slid into the dominating and controlling role very easily. I picked and trained my few very carefully, catering to my vast sexual preferences. Kyle was my pet and I had the Three, Adam, David and Benjamin all to do my bidding as well. Although it took me some time, I at one point, had gathered about 24 individuals all trained to please me. There were more men than women, but all were enjoyed at any time. They had specific costumes that they would wear and all referred to me as Master. Only they were able to enter the upstairs. The downstairs was open to the public, although it only took one visit to Fetish to deem whether or not you would be re turning again. It is definitely

not everyone's cup of tea and patrons are to realize anything and everything is fair game. Except for harassment and unwanted activities. But for the most part we've never had any problems with that. People know what they want and who they want, if one person won't provide it for them, they will continue on to another until they find what they are craving that night. It's as simple as that and lines are not often crossed.

While I was away, Derrick would run the club, the only thing different being that there is no master in the house. Kyle still went while I was not there, and people understood that with or without his master, he was not to be touched. Unless they were given permission. And only a select few were given permission.

Stretching I sigh, feeling rather restless. I'm not tired, but I don't exactly have all that much energy. I just need something to take my mind off of everything. Sitting up, I look out the window and see the light from the backyard is still on. Nick must have forgotten to turn it off when he came in after dinner. That gives me a fantastic idea. A swim. That will definitely calm my mind and relax me. I make my way up to the bedroom and walk in, clearly surprising Nick as I see him startle on the bed. I sit down and smile at him, wondering what he's writing about. If it's about me.

"You okay love?" He asks me, reaching out for me.

Letting him pull me down, I lay down on the bed beside him. "I think so. Just tired."

"Why don't you go to bed?"

"I am. But I think I'll go for a swim first." For some reason I don't move. I know I should get up, but I'm too comfortable laying here in his arms. I'll get up in a second.

"You want me to come with you? Keep you company? Fuck you in the pool?"

Oh god. His voice is low and he's touching me so sensually. The images he's painting for makes me giggle and I feel him laugh, his whole body shaking.

"I don't know ...you wanna fuck me in the pool?" I don't really think that he'll come down with me, but I have to ask. Just to see what he'll say. Part of me is hoping that he will. There's nothing better than making love under water, especially when it's with Nick who looks so fucking hot wet. Instantly he's on top of me, looking down at me, our eyes locked on each other.

"I wanna fuck you everywhere Kevvy. But I asked you ..do you want me to come down and fuck you in the pool?"

Decisions decisions. Do I want him in the pool? I know if I ask he'll do it, but I'm rather enjoying my Kevin time. Sighing, I lean my forehead up so that it's touching his. "Maybe you can fuck me in the bed. When I get back from the pool."

"I can do that."

Just as I'm about to get up a feeling I can't explain washes over me and I stop. "You know I love you right? That I want this. Forever?"

"Of course baby." He replies, his eyes grow wide and his cheeks turn pink. There's a hint of panic in his voice. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you just say that? Why wouldn't I know?"

"I don't know. I just ....I just needed to say it. Sometimes we take things for granted and I want you to know that I don't. I don't take you for granted and that I love you so much, so much that I don't know what I would have done without you in my life." There's no hidden meaning in me needing to tell him that. I'm not saying it for any reason other than I do love him and cherish US. I hope he can see that in my eyes, that I don't plan on fucking this up, fucking us up. I've done that once and that was enough for me to learn my lesson. I see recognition flash in his eyes and the panic die down.

"When you get back Kev, I'm going to show you that I feel the same way. Instead of fucking you in the bed, I'm going to make love to you in it. Just so you know that it's just me and you baby. Just us and our love."

That definitely gives me something to look forward to. Knowing that when I'm done in the pool he'll be up here waiting for me. To make love to me. Smiling at him, I grab a towel from the linen closet and make my way down to the pool. The house is completely sectioned off from the neighbors, no chance of anyone able to see me so when I get down to the deck, I slip out of my clothes and dive in naked. There's something erotically stimulating about swimming naked. The water caressing every inch of your body. As I start doing a few laps, my mind once again wanders.

Touring was getting more demanding, more dates being added, multiple shows in select cities, days off being filled with radio interviews and television appearances. It was getting increasingly harder to sneak back home to visit the club and Kyle. And as much as I was missing it, missing him, I was enjoying the road. In all honesty, I had no ties so I could enjoy everything that fame had to offer. Men. Women. Both. We were at the height of our popularity, Nick and I were getting closer and closer and Kyle and I were talking regularly on the phone. I had everything and nothing I wanted, all at once. I wouldn't let myself think about it too much though, steeling myself to just enjoy life as it came and not worry about what might be.

That worked until pretty close to the end of the tour. I was getting tired of the random one night stands, both mine and Nick's. Every time I saw someone leaving his room it pushed the knife into my heart just a little deeper and I was finding that fucking someone else wasn't doing what I needed it to. It wasn't helping me to forget that what and who I wanted was doing the same thing only a few doors down. We only had a few weeks left and we'd have an unspecified amount of time off to relax and get ready for the greatest hits CD to come out. I had decided to spend our time off in Tampa rather than go home. Tampa was home for me now, all my ties were there. I knew Nick found it odd that I was going to be staying there, but he seemed happy at the same time. We'd made plans to hang out, spend time together there and that was definitely a bonus for me. It gave me hope that sometime during our down time, that my hopes of us finally getting together would be made reality.

It was at that time I started to prepare for his arrival at Fetish. Even if he never decided to come to the club, if he found someone and decided to get serious about them, I wanted to be ready. Just in case. I started with his Three, knowing that it would be best if he himself chose his pet. That is something very personal and private. The first two had been picked relatively easy, Christopher and Andrew. Finding his third had proven to be a bit more difficult, no one really seeming to hold my interest. Finally one night I told Kyle to go downstairs and find someone, not to return until he did. I knew he was getting sick of my constant talking of Nick and he stormed out, throwing a hissy fit. Making a phone call to Colin, I quickly reminded him who was Master and suggested that he watch his attitude. From there I watched as he made his way around the club, looking for someone worthy of the Lair. Of Nick and I. I didn't honestly believe he would find anyone, but was surprised when he had stopped dead in his tracks, watching some guy get a blow job from a girl. The guy was obviously not into it, just sitting there basically letting her suck his dick with no reaction whatsoever. Until a second guy came over and started jerking off for him. I could tell by the way Kyle was watching him that we'd found him. Nick's third. I didn't know it then, but this guy would end up being another fixture in my life, someone I don't think I'd ever be able to live without. I went downstairs and did what Kyle was too entranced to do. Found out his name was William, and that he was willing to be trained for Nick.

It was hard to keep my 'alternate lifestyle' a secret from Nick because he was constantly asking. Wondering why I was always busy on Saturday nights and why on some Sundays I'd be too tired to do anything more than sit around my house and relax. A few times I know he'd seen marks on my skin, too shocked to ask what they were about. I knew it wouldn't be long before he was finally ready for Fetish. Damn, who am I kidding. It was me that wasn't ready. I had been watching him more closely during that 6 months and saw that same look in his eye that I had in mine before going to Obsessions. Restlessness. He was more than ready for a change, something new and all I had to do was say the word. But I couldn't. I couldn't stop worrying about how he would react, what he would think. Because I knew when he got there, I would have to tell him about my feelings for him. I'd kept it to myself for so long at that point, 9 years, that I wasn't sure I could handle the result. Rejection would kill me, and well I wouldn't let myself dare to dream that his reaction would be any more than that. But finally, one afternoon at brunch I'd decided that it was time. We argued like we always do about our Saturday plans and I told him to come down to Fetish, not sure whether or not I was more afraid that he would show or wouldn't.

He did.

And that was the night my whole life changed. Again. I watched as his eyes went wide from shock to lust to excitement. And finally to absolute love and trust. For me. Apparently he had been fighting feelings for me for some time, not realizing what they were. I explained the ways of the club to him and proposed that he join me. Be my partner ...my equal. With no hesitation he agreed and it was then that I told him I loved him. That I'd always loved him. He chose William as his pet and not knowing it then, our lives would be forever changed.

Of course Kyle still hated Nick, but I'm not so sure it was as strong as it once was. We were only at the club for a short while before the promo tour started for the greatest hits CD and they only got to know each other a little. But when Nick would be training someone new, or he would be in need of sexual release, Kyle never hesitated to help him. I don't know if he even noticed it, but I think that he had some sort of fascination with Nick, knowing that he should hate him but unable to fully find the energy to do so. And I think that Nick understood and realized the depth of Kyle's feelings for me, mine for him. But he never said anything. He just watched silently, not doing anything differently. And that too confused Kyle I think. The way he saw it was if Nick knew how he felt about me, he would do something about it. But he didn't. He never said a word.

I on the other hand wasn't so calm with my jealousy. Billy and Nick got increasingly closer during that time and I hated it. I hated watching them together, vivid flashbacks of tours prior, men leaving Nick's room at all hours of the day were plaguing me. The only difference was that I was watching everything in vivid Technicolor. There

wasn't a wall and a door to hide me from them fucking, or teasing, or playing with each other. I didn't begrudge Billy for that, that's what we were there for, but I didn't make things easier for him either.

Leaving for the tour was painful but good at the same time. Painful because we were leaving the club and the pets behind, but good in that it gave Nick and I time together. Just the two of us. Sort of. We had to watch ourselves in front of everyone, resorting to sneaking around which wasn't as easy as we thought it would be. On many occasions we were nearly found out causing us to take a bit of a breather to not arise suspicions. I hated hiding things from the other guys but I couldn't see them being as accepting of it. I know neither of us had even hinted that we were bisexual, let alone in love with each other, so just up and dropping that bomb on them seemed like a destructive thing to do. Of course, now looking back, I realize how stupid I had been for being so scared. But at the time it seemed the only option. Secrecy. While we were gone, I hadn't contacted Kyle at all and honestly thought in the back of my mind that nothing would change. There was no reason to call him, he'd still be waiting for me when I got back. How shocked was I when we decided to take a break and visit the club, visit Kyle and Billy and I was informed that they had started seeing one another. I remember a feeling of disappointment and sadness hitting me like nothing I'd felt before and couldn't understand why. I had Nick. The man I'd been in love with forever. The only person I wanted to spend my life with, so why should I be upset that Kyle had found Billy and decided to start a relationship? Because I was jealous. Jealous as all fuck. Billy had Nick. Billy had Kyle. They both adored him like nobody's business and I was fucking chopped liver. I didn't understand what the big deal was about him, but of course I couldn't say anything. I smiled and pretended that I wasn't affected, that I was unbelievably happy for them. I saw something flash in Kyle's eyes, hurt that I didn't seem to care. I wanted to go to him and tell him what I was feeling. That it hurt to know that he'd found so meone else, but I couldn't. I didn't want to be entirely selfish, so I pretended not to care.

I look up at the moon and realize I've been outside for quite some time. I'm not ready to go back inside but am starting to get cold from the air and the water. I flipped on the Jacuzzi before diving into the pool, so I make my way over to that, sliding in slowly and letting the water pressure soothe my muscles, and the hot water warm my skin. Closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the head rest, I remember nights past that Nick and I enjoyed the Jacuzzi. One night in particular when we had discussed Kyle and Billy and what they meant to us. I wasn't sure how to tell Nick that although I loved him, was in love with him, I felt something strong for Kyle as well. Apparently, he had been battling with the same problem, unsure how to tell me that he was attracted to Billy and although liked their relationship at Fetish, wanted one outside of the club as well.

"Nicky? Can we talk?" I'd asked shyly, not entire certain what I was going to say.

"Sure Kev. What's wrong?"

"Well. I think that we need to talk about something. About Kyle and Billy." I watched as Nick's body tensed up, his eyes filling with worry. "There's just something I need to say, and I don't want you to get upset..." I watched him nod slowly and continued. "You know I love you right? That I want us forever?"

"Yeah baby. I do too. How I feel about Billy isn't going to change that. I promise you." He had blurted out, moving over onto my lap. He wrapped his arms and legs around me tightly and kissed me desperately, confusing the hell out of me.

"What?" I tried to pull back and look him in the eyes, which was hard since he was looking so guilty.

"I don't know how it happened, but fuck. He's just so beautiful and there's something about him...." Nick had said his face serious, eyes searching mine. And then I realized what he was saying, that he felt the same way I did.

"Oh baby. I understand." I pulled him close and kissed him passionately, letting my tongue touch every inch of his mouth. "I didn't mean you and Billy, I meant me and Kyle. I feel the same way. I love him. It's different from how I love you, but it's there."

We sat in the Jacuzzi as long as we could until we were completely pruney and got out, continuing our talk inside, in bed. We both realized that there was something between the four of us, a weird dynamic that couldn't exactly be explained nor defined. It wasn't normal, but then as we thought about it, we never really fit the normal template anyway. We weren't sure how we were going to do it, but we'd agreed that when it came to them, we were free to do whatever we wanted. Our relationship wouldn't be affected by our feelings for these other two men. We weren't going to let it affect us, but then in the same breath, we weren't going to let our relationship affect how we felt about Kyle and Billy.

It was then that I began to watch them more closely. Kyle and Billy. I noticed a lot of things during that time. Kyle was starting to change his feelings for Nick. They began hanging out together more outside of the club, something they never did before. Kyle would barely even acknowledge Nick beyond Fetish, but he was now. It seemed that his relationship with Billy was helping him get past his feelings for me. But I also saw the looks that he'd give Nick every once in a while. It was that of respect. Admiration. Lust. The more that they got to know each other, the closer they were becoming. Plus they had a common bond. Billy. I never once believed that I was part of that bond, their love for me bringing them closer together, it was all him. So in that, I began to

watch him more closely as well. I saw how he looked at Kyle and Nick. They were different looks, but both of love. He always seemed so uncomfortable around me, but that could have been because of how I treated him, how c old I was to him. I couldn't help it but my animosity was underlying everything else. But as I watched him, I would see how he'd look as he laughed, his whole face lighting up and his deep voice vibrating through the room. How he would lightly touch Kyle's back when we'd meet for coffee, protectively resting on his lower back drawing little patterns mindlessly. How when Nick would have a particularly bad day, he would whisper things into his ear, massaging his temples and doing whatever it was that Nick needed to forget about everything.

And the more I watched, I think the more I began to see what they saw. Feel what they felt. He was beautiful. But not in a stop traffic, everyone turns to look because you can't take your eyes off of him sort of way. It's more subtle than that and when it hits you, you can't help but wonder why you didn't see it before. But suddenly I was seeing it. I'd arranged one night while Nick and Kyle had gone to a game to spend the night with Billy. Just the two of us. We never did more than just kiss and touch that night, and I think it was more intimate and special than if we'd spent the whole night making love. I'd found out that night that he was as intimidated by me and I was by him which blew my mind but made me feel better. From there we became a lot closer and the one thing that flashed through my mind one night at the club as I watched Kyle and Billy playing, was that as if things weren't complicated enough, I now had one more person in the mix. I still wasn't sure what I was goin g to do about how I felt about Nick and Kyle. But now there was Billy, who had somehow managed to sneak his way into my heart as well.

From then on it was the four of us. Or two of us, depending on what we were doing or where it was taking place. For the most part there was no jealousy and no competition for affection from anyone. We took things as they came and didn't worry too much about anything. Everything was going amazingly until that day. The day my heart broke and I thought that my world was going to end. It's not a time that I let myself think about often, even now I can feel the hopelessness overwhelm me and it takes everything I have not to cry. It was the day that Nick walked out of my house, and almost out of my life. I still wake up every once in a while with nightmares, crying out to him, only waking up to him holding me and telling me that it's okay. It's just a dream. It was only 11 days, but it was the most difficult time in my life, surpassing my father's death only because this time I was at fault. With my father, there was nothing I could do to help him, nothing that could be done to save him But with Nick, it was all my own doing. It was my fear and my pride that caused for me to hurt the only person I'd vowed never to hurt.

I feel a tear roll down my cheek and I slip under the water for a few minutes to clear my head of the memories. When I resurface I feel as though I've been cleansed, the memories of Nick's trip to Mexico washed away from me. I need to focus on something else and the picture in the living room flashes in my mind.

The Dominican Republic.

Now that was one of the only good things that came from our separation. Well that and the realization for both Nick and myself that we are in it for the long haul. That nothing will ever be able to come between us and that our love is strong enough to withstand anything. But yeah, the Dominican. I think it was a blessing that Nick had brought up returning to Tampa and Fetish because had we not had that conversation in the tub, then he wouldn't have found out how afraid I was to return and face Billy, someone who I thought had hated me. Our fight affected more than just Nick and I, both Kyle and Billy getting caught in the crossfire, and one night he had felt he'd endured enough of everything and told me exactly what he felt. From what I found out later, when Nick had flown them both in to surprise me, he was as afraid to face me as I was of him. He'd felt that he'd gone to far and I would hold a grudge against him. It was then that all emotions and feelings were brought out in the open for everyone. While Billy and I talked, expressing everything we'd been afraid to say up until then to one another, Kyle and Nick had gone down to the water to have their own discussion. It was an afternoon of clarity, our slates being wiped completely clean. There were no hidden secrets, no buried feelings and I think that we all went to bed that night with clear concusses. Their few day vacation ended up stretching to a few weeks which delighted Nick and I even more. It was a chance for us all to relax and get to know each other on a whole new level, not letting the stress of our normal lives get in the way of everything.

It was also during that time that we had decided to let the others in on our relationship. Well Nick and mine anyways. We weren't all too enthusiastic in opening up a can of worms by telling them about our open relationship with Kyle and Billy as well. So we'd come up with a plan to tell Brian, Howie and AJ that we were not only together, (which we'd outted ourselves at AJ's house during the meeting between Nick's trip to Mexico and ours to the Dominican) but we were partners in a fetish club, both practicing S&M. We knew that each individual guy would have to be told differently, only certain details shared. At this point we figured it was a matter of time before they figured us out, hell Brian was already suspicious, so if we were the ones to share it with them, we would be able to monitor what information they were given. And we could answer any questions that they had, thus eliminating more secrets.

I smile as I remember how each reacted. From AJ to Howie to Brian, each were told and each had different reactions. I think I was surprised by each, but happy that they still accepted us and understood both our reasons and rights to keep it quiet. The nights that we spoke to them weren't without surprises of their own, us finding out things about each of them that we hadn't known before, but it was good. Somehow along the way we'd all started to drift apart from one another, and this was the first step to rebuilding that trust. That

friendship. Where it used to be that every time we had something new to share, something we needed to talk about, we would go to each other. All piling in someone's hotel room and us just having a night to the five of us, it moved to us going to outside sources for guidance and support. But it took us sharing this part of our lives with them for me to realize it. I hope that things don't ever get to a point where we stop communicating entirely, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't see it happening in the future. Right now, I'm at a place where Nick is the first person I turn to when something happens, good or bad. And after Nick it's Kyle and Billy. They're just a part of me now, and they've gotten in deeper than the others ever could. And it isn't just about a sex thing. It's about a comfort and trust level, me knowing so much about Kyle and Billy that I know that there is no worry of them judging me unfairly, or expecting too much from me. I love AJ, Howie and Brian, they're my brothers and they always will be. But they're not the central focus in my life anymore. I'm not the same man I was then.

I figure that it's time to go in now. Nick's probably wondering where the hell I've gone and why I'm down here for so long by myself. I'm not a water baby like he is. He can sit by the water, for hours without thinking anything of it, just the sound of the water soothing enough for him. Granted, if he had a choice it would be by the ocean before the pool, but in a pinch he's not all that picky. Me on the other hand, I could really care less about it. It's special to me because of him, because I know he loves it so much, but it's not vital for my mental stability to be near it. But I know he's most likely up there worrying about me and waiting for me to come back up. I pull myself from the pool and walk towards my towel, wrapping it around myself tightly after making sure I'm not dripping anywhere. I lock up the main floor, and head upstairs. It's amazing how excited I am to just go up to our bedroom and be with Nick. Knowing that he's waiting for me up there to make love, to just be with me puts butterflies in my stomach and I hope I never lose this feeling. This excitement. It's been a year and a half, and although so much has happened, it's flown by so fast.

I walk into the bedroom and see him sitting on the bed, a goofy smile on his face.

"You okay love?"

He gives me a once over and a smile. "Wonderful." He says, putting his book in the drawer on the night stand. "How was your swim?"

"Refreshing. I definitely needed it." After I've hung up the towels in the bathroom, I walk into the bedroom and climb onto the bed. He's absolutely beautiful and there's a sense of inner peace on his face. I can't explain it but he just seems more at ease than he had earlier. Pushing him so that he's laying down on the bed, I can't help but begin kissing his neck and throat, licking little patterns on his skin. I know how much he loves that so I continue down his chest to his pajama bottoms which I want off. I want him as naked as I am, so I can see and touch and feel all of him. Once I've taken the bottoms off, I throw them across the room, not caring that they're on the floor. I let myself take a look at his nude form underneath me before settling down on top of him, letting every inch of our bodies touch one another. I love this feeling, just him and me, skin on skin and as our cocks press against each other, I can feel his hardening which in turn causes mine to harden as well "Feels so good Nicky ...you feel so good." I see his eyes darken, a sure sign he's aroused and I begin to rock my hips against his. I want him to feel as good as I feel. Before I can say anything else, he's taken my mouth in a heated kiss, his tongue reaching everywhere all at once, making my head spin. Finally the need for oxygen overrides everything and we pull apart, our breathing laboured.

"Thank you Kevin."

"What for?" I rest my forehead on his and look down into his blue eyes. I have no idea what he's thanking me for, but it looks serious. He looks serious.

"For everything. For being someone I can trust no matter what. For letting me love you. For loving me."

"You don't have to thank me for loving you. It's not something I could help. I can't not love you." And it's true. Me loving him is completely beyond my control. It was meant to be from that day I auditioned for them to be in the group and god knows how long I tried to convince myself I wasn't in love with him. I tried everything and anything to get my mind off of him, to stop loving him but I couldn't. Nine years I waited for him and now he's thanking me for loving him. I should be thanking him for loving me. For making my dream come true. For LETTING me love him.

"Make love to me Nicky? Show me how much you love me." I'm trying to keep from crying right now and I need him. I need to feel, and taste and touch him all over me. He smiles at me, that small smile that makes my knees go weak and my pulse race and rolls us over so now he's on top of me and I'm pinned to the bed beneath him. We kiss for a few minutes before he breaks and reaches for the condom and lube.

Now I don't know what has possessed me tonight, but before I can think about it, I take the condom and throw it across the room. Apparently he's noticed my odd behaviour as well because he's looking at me.

"First the pants, now the condom. Damn Kevin are you feeling all right? You're becoming such a slob!"

"You've got that effect on me baby..." I joke for a second before letting my face go completely serious. Nuzzling our noses together I lick at his lips. "I just want to feel you. Just you, nothing in between us."

Nothing else is said between us and Nick looks down at me as he begins to push into my body, our eyes locked the entire time. There's nothing better than this feeling of being completely possessed and owned by Nick, our bodies one entity now. My legs are wrapped tightly around his waist and his mouth finds mine in a warm and comforting kiss. We began to move in unison, our bodies in tune with one another. It's amazing really how perfect we are together and as he is thrusting in and out of me, I'm taken to a whole other planet of sheer ecstasy. I knew it would only be a matter of time before Nick would have to speed up, his impending orgasm becoming too much for him to handle. And just as I expected, he begins to take shorter, harder thrusts slamming into my prostate sharply. Just as I hear him whimper, a sure sign of his orgasm, he moans "I love you" into my ear before stiffening and cumming triggering my own orgasm.

My whole body is now relaxed, my brain unable to function properly, something that always happens when I've been fucked by Nick. He seems to have that affect on me, and from what I've witnessed with Kyle and Billy, it's not just me. But as much as I just want to relax and curl up against him, I have to clean up. I can't stand going to bed sticky and dirty, so I make my way to the bathroom, picking up the strewn pants and condom from the floor. He's laughing behind me and I know he expected me to pick the things I threw on the floor up, so I turn around and stick my tongue out at him, causing him to laugh even harder. I know I'm predictable, but I just hate it when shit's all over the place creating a mess. Once I've got the washcloth damp and soaped up, I return to the bed to clean first him off then myself and only when I'm okay with the job I've done, do I put the cloth in the hamper to be washed. As soon as I get into bed, Nick's instantly behind me, spooning me with our arms a nd legs tangled together. He's all I can feel and he's all that is on my mind as I drift off to sleep.

I'm sleeping peacefully until a giggle breaks through the fog in my head. Turning over, I know it can't be Nick waking me up already since he'd woken me up twice after we'd fallen asleep, hard and wanting me to do something about it. Of course, I'd be awake in no time and hard as well and we'd have to take care of it before falling asleep and doing it again only a few hours later. I feel his lips on the back of my neck and I breathe deeply knowing it's a lost cause. I'd better get up before he does something to make me regret trying to sleep in. Making our way downstairs, we decide that we should make breakfast and do our birthday calling to Kyle. Nick said something about the presents we'd sent him being delivered pretty soon so we should get the calls done before that.

"Hey Kyle. Happy birthday baby. Holy cow.. 27 eh! You're really getting up there. Pretty soon you'll be over 30 like Kevin ...damn. How old is that!!!"

"Hey ...what are you talking about?" I screamed, realizing what he was saying into the phone. I tried to grab the receiver out of his hand but he kept moving and ducking out of the way making me chase him around the kitchen.

"But yeah. Just know that I love you no matter how old and decrepit you are and I hope you have a great birthday. I can't wait to see you tonight."

The little bastard hung up the phone before letting me say anything, knowing that I wanted to talk to him as well. "I wanted to say something ...and why were you calling me old?" I pouted, hoping that it would make him feel bad.

"Because you are. I mean damn Kev.. You're almost at 40 now!!" Apparently I was wrong, there was no sign of remorse anywhere on his face.

"Fuck you I am. I'm only 32 junior."

"Still.. You're closer to 40 than I am!'

"Give me the phone." I spat, grabbing it from his hand and hitting redial. I could hear him laughing behind me but I was ignoring him. Fucker calling me old. He better fucking watch out when I get off this phone.

"Happy Birthday Kyle. Don't listen to Nick, he's just jealous that he's practically still in diapers. I hope you enjoy your first round of presents from us and know that there's more waiting for you later. By sweetie."

He's standing against the counter still laughing and I know he's not paying attention to me. Before he realizes it, I'm right behind him with my arms wrapped around his waist. "Old huh? Decrepit huh?" I growled seeing goose bumps cover his skin. Pinning him to the counter, I had his boxers over his ass and on the floor before he knew what hit him, my own cock out in my hand which was pumping it steadily. I trailed it up and down his ass crack, knowing exactly what it was doing to him. I loved it when he teased me like this, but I loved it more when I was doing the teasing.

"God Kev.."

"I'll show you old and decrepit." I slammed into him instantly, not stopping to see if he was okay. I just began thrusting in and out of him, wanting to fuck him so hard that he wouldn't know whether he was coming or going anymore. It took almost no time for us to both cum and when we were done I pulled out of him sharply

and turned him around, kissing him hard on the mouth. When I pulled away I saw the dazed look on his face and smiled. Fucking old and decrepit my ass.

"Shower. Go. Orlando." He said, weaving towards the stairs. It was nearly time for him to leave and I knew he still needed to clean up. Laughing, I grabbed a dish cloth from the sink and began to clean the counter and cupboards which was now sticky from his cum. By the time I got the kitchen clean and sit down to read the paper he's back, fresh from his shower.

"You leaving now?" I ask as he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Yeah. I've got something to do before I leave. Won't take too long but I have to do it now rather than later."

"Okay. Well call me when you're leaving Tampa." I say, getting up to pull him into a tight hug. He kisses me softly on the lips and presses our foreheads together, eyes locked.

"Of course baby. Have a good day."

"I will. Drive safe."

"I love you Kev."

"Me too baby. I love you too."

And with that he's gone. And I've got the whole afternoon to do whatever I want. Of course I'll probably just go and do some shopping, get the club ready for tonight's party but I won't be going anywhere until Nick phones back. Sitting back down I wait, engrossed in the trials and tribulations of today's society. I don't realize how much time has passed until the phone rings again, and looking at the call display I smile when I see Nick's name.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby. Just wanted to say I'm on my way."

"You do what you needed to do?"

"Yeah Kev. I'll call when I'm on my way back to town."

"Okay. I love you Nicky."

"I love you too baby."

He ends the call and I'm filled with a sense of peace. A sense that things are finally how they should be. That right now, in this moment I'm untouchable. I've got the three most beautiful people in the world, and know that they're mine. I've got the perfect relationship. An unbelievable career. And all the time in the world to enjoy it. Walking back up into the bedroom I see streaks on the mirror in the bathroom and sigh, shaking my head and wondering what the hell I'm going to do with that child. I grab the Windex and paper towels ready to curse Nick for making a mess. Until I see what the streaks say.

I love you baby. Can't wait to see you tonight!

Smiling I set down the Windex and paper towels. Maybe streaks aren't all that bad.

Finis