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Title: It's Not Right, But It's Okay (taken from the song of the same name by Whitney Houston)
Author: Jules
Part: 1/1
Paring: Nick/Kevin
Rating: R
Disclaimer: This is fiction for entertainment purposes only. The song was borrowed from Whitney Houston, I take no credit for it.
Warning: Not my usual happy fic. It's not obscenely depressing, just not lovey dovey like you're used to. I'm trying new stuff. What're ya gonna do!
Notes: I heard this song on the radio and a fic idea popped into my head. I've changed things to fit the story... but that happens sometimes LOL!
Thanks: To Danielle for the beta. Muchly appreciated hon!! You were right, I reread it and realized it did need an ending. So ...well I decided to end it!! HAHA.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin had always considered himself to be a smart man. Aware of what was going on around him. Strong. He may not have always made the best decisions, but when push came to shove, he was always able to look at things objectively and do what needed to be done. Kevin was quite possibly the most rational man he knew, which really didn't amount to much considering the people that he hung out with regularly, but for him it was an accomplishment. His parents had instilled a solid sense of level headedness in him and Kevin prided himself on following in his father's footsteps as a wise and rational man. He felt he was succeeding quite nicely.

Except when it came to one person.

The only thing about that, was that he couldn't exactly help it. He was rendered stupid when it came to Nick. Nick Carter. The blonde had a power over him that Kevin couldn't quite explain. He couldn't explain it because, for the most part, he didn't even realize that Nick had that power over him. It was just there. It had been since the moment they met and would exist until they died. Probably longer.

They had fallen in love slowly, luxuriously, completely, somewhere between their 1999 World Tour and the Into The Millennium Tour. Before that point, Kevin had ignored how attracted he was to Nick, and Nick had been certain he was straight. The way Kevin saw it was if Nick felt he was straight, that was sign enough for him to keep away, no matter how much he wanted him. Nick's sexuality was put into question late one night on a dare by AJ to kiss Howie. They'd all been daring each other to do crazy things and so Nick agreed to do it and had kissed his older band mate. Three weeks later Nick admitted he was bi. Howie's kiss was the last piece of a puzzle Nick had been trying to figure out for months. Kevin was given his window of opportunity.


Gradually, they found their way to each other, both falling in love.

At least Kevin was in love. Nick claimed to be, but Kevin was never one hundred percent sure. To comfort his troubled mind though, Kevin blindly believed Nick's confessions of love. It was easier to believe it when Nick said he loved him than contemplate the alternative.

Kevin knew that his feelings for Nick weren't exactly healthy. Although he knew this, it didn't make it any easier in changing things. He had never been the dependent kind. He had always been the one making demands on his lover, the one calling all the shots. Up until Nick, it was Kevin's way or the highway, so when he found himself submissive to Nick's dominance, Kevin was surprised. The other guys were as well, for as long as they'd known him, Brian longer than anyone, Kevin was the dominant one in any relationship. Kevin emoted power and control, so to see him at Nick's beck and call was a side of the older man that his band mates hadn't known existed. Whereas the others were concerned and quite honestly a little baffled by Kevin's demeanor with Nick, the blonde simply smirked as he pulled the figurative leash tighter.

Nick could control him with the cock of an eyebrow, the curl of a lip, or the faint 'hmmm' which was barely audible to anyone other than Kevin. But as strongly as Kevin knew he should regain control of his life, as much as Kevin knew it was unhealthy and against everything he'd had instilled in him growing up, he didn't care. All that mattered was Nick, and if Nick was happy, he was happy. He lived for Nick's love and attention, finding he would do things the way he knew his lover liked them. He adored the praise and affection that Nick would shower on him, needing only a smile or gentle squeeze to make his day worth it.

Exactly when things started to change was unclear. One minute they were blissfully happy, the next Kevin was miserable. And if not miserable, then something closely resembling it. But for as upset that he was, Kevin couldn't pinpoint when and how it had happened. He had everything he could ever want, but still found himself wanting more. Needing something to fill the gap that was getting bigger by the moment. He remembered the days that he and Nick would curl up together on their tour bus, going from one city to the next. They would be wrapped up in each other, not only physically but emotionally as well. They would wrap a blanket around themselves and lay together, staring into each other's eyes for hours on end. He remembered how his lips would be bruised and chapped from hours of kissing Nick, being kissed BY Nick and from talking until they had no voices left, which would lead them back to the kissing until they fell asleep, locked in each other's embrace.

Kevin remembered long lazy rounds of love making, only to fall asleep exhausted and sated. Nick would wake him barely an hour later for more, insatiable for Kevin's love. He remembered how he would pray and wish that he could find a way to never have to leave Nick's arms, never have to leave his body or to never have Nick leave his own. He remembered that the best feeling in the world was that split second when their bodies would become one, breathing and existing together, and the worst feeling was when they were forced apart, once again becoming two separate people. He'd been with his fair share of lovers before Nick, yet none could make him feel anything remotely close to the multitude of emotions that the blonde could. He felt dizzy and excited and exhaulted all at once. There was nothing in the world like loving and being loved by Nick and if he tried hard enough he could remember every time they'd made love, every sensation and every word said.

There were also the not so tender moments too. The times when either or both of them were so overcome with a raw, sexual hunger that it didn't matter where they were or what they were doing, they needed each other instantly. Desperately. There were times when Nick would throw him against the wall and had to have him, devouring him. Kevin would always surrender because there were also the times that their positions were reversed and Kevin had done the same.

Through their highs and lows, thick and thin, the only thing Kevin knew he could count on was Nick. If they had a good day, they would celebrate. Bad, they would remedy it with something to lighten the mood. But even in the darkest times, Kevin knew he could count on Nick to be his rock. That was the most important thing Kevin remembered, how strong the blonde was. How he knew exactly what Kevin needed and when he needed it. Nick was Kevin's soul mate and Kevin was Nick's. He was sure of it.

So when Kevin woke up one day to realize it had all changed, it hit him like a ton of bricks. The group had long since disbanded. Of course, they reported to the media that they were on 'a break', but in reality the group had dissolved. They'd all gone their own separate ways, living lives outside of the group. Nick had gone forth with his talks of a solo career and Kevin was in between projects, deciding what he wanted to do with his free time. He'd hoped to tour with Nick and help produce his first CD, but things hadn't worked out that way. At first, they had both agreed it would be the perfect idea. The only ones knowing about their relationship were close friends and selected family, so Kevin producing and joining the tour for consultation was perfect. They could be together without anyone suspicious of them being on the road, wondering why Kevin was accompanying Nick on tour. The details were all set and both men were psyched about the idea, glad that they would be able to do what they loved doing while being together.

It was perfect until one random Thursday night. Kevin had a benefit he was obligated to attend so Nick had gone out with friends. The next morning they were to go to the record company to set the finishing touches on the deal, yet before leaving, Nick took Kevin aside.

"Listen babe. I'm .... I'm not so sure that this is gonna ...gonna work. Maybe it's not a good idea...."

Kevin barely heard the rest of Nick's speech, which had clearly been rehearsed because Nick only fumbled it twice. The only two times that he dared to look Kevin in the eye. He'd mentioned something about needing to do this on his own and prove to Kevin that he could succeed. He wanted Kevin to be proud of him and love him the way he was loved. If he was honest with himself, it was a truly polished speech and he was flattered that Nick had gone through all the trouble to think of it. Kevin was about to protest when Nick batted his baby blue eyes and kissed him sinfully, sucking hungrily on his tongue.

"You know I love you right?" Nick asked beginning to remove the clothes that Kevin had put on less than an hour earlier. Nick led them to their bedroom, decorating Kevin's face and neck with kisses. When Kevin hesitated, Nick cupped his face in his large hands. "God Kevin, I love you so fucking much. You have no idea, Baby. You are my entire world and it's going to fucking kill me every day and night to be apart from you. But I'll manage, I have to. And then for the second tour, we'll do it like we planned this time." Nick protruded his lower lip into a pout that he knew Kevin couldn't resist. "Please baby, let me do this. Don't be upset with me."

Kevin couldn't deny his lover anything, so he agreed. Nick would record alone and tour alone, while he stayed home to wait for him. It was pure torture for him being apart from the younger man, but the knowledge that Nick was suffering just as much eased his pain somewhat. It didn't matter that Nick rarely phoned, his occasional calls even coming fewer and further between. And when he did phone it was at four in the morning, Nick trashed out of his mind going from one party to another. Kevin knew that Nick was drinking to deal with how much he was missing Kevin, and it didn't matter that wherever Kevin went, he heard bits and pieces of gossip from the tour. How Nick had different girls and guys on his bus every single night. That each party was wilder and crazier than the last and Nick was the perfect host, sexually, chemically and otherwise. He wouldn't worry about it though because Nick had assured him that his parties were highly overrated and he swore up and down he wasn't fucking anyone. Not even close. It crossed his mind that Nick might be lying, but the thought was instantly discarded because Kevin knew that Nick wouldn't lie, not about something this big, this important. He knew that if he was cheating on Kevin, Kevin would leave and Nick loved him too much to risk it. Another reason he didn't doubt Nick's sincerity was because Kevin never had to bring the issue up. Whenever he was about to say something about what he'd heard, Nick beat him to the punch.

"Look baby, I know you must be hearing some whack shit about me and I just want you to know that it's all bullshit. All of it. I don't even know where to begin because it's all so fucking insane. Most of the time I'm on my bus by midnight, asleep dreaming of you and how much I love you, about what I'd like to be doing with you in my bed. So please Kev, remember how much I love you and that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Talk to you later sweetie."

Kevin had saved that particular message so that he could listen to it whenever he needed a pick me up. Whenever the rumours got too wild, or the nights too lonely, he could play it over and be assured by Nick's beautiful voice. He chose to ignore the low voice in the background whispering something that sounded like 'come back over here Nicky, the bed's lonely without you" and the burning question in his mind that if Nick was alone on this bus so frequently as he claimed, why he wasn't answering Kevin's calls.

Nick loved him. Nick was faithful to him. Kevin didn't doubt it. He wouldn't let himself.

They spent the holidays together and it was then that Nick suggested Kevin give Broadway a chance. It would give him something to do while he was on tour and Kevin was idling between projects. Kevin couldn't help but beam at the pride in Nick's voice and agreed that he should make a few calls. It was something he'd always wanted to do but was never given the opportunity, and now he had the name to request an audition, and the voice to quite possibly land a part in a show. Not to mention that being in New York would also have it's perks. Nick would be on the eastern coast leg of his tour and there was always the possibility of them spending more time together and seeing each other more often.

There was a three day window of opportunity where Nick could visit. Their schedules were planned out and Nick would be in New York for three days, ample opportunity for the lovers to reunite. Nick's flight would be landing at nine p.m., and so he planned to have dinner with friends while Kevin was on stage and they would meet up at Kevin's condo later on in the evening. Nick held tickets for both the Saturday matinee and evening shows, so missing the Friday performance wasn't a problem for either man. The entire day, all Kevin could think about was Nick. How long it had been since the last time they'd seen each other, how good it had felt to be with his lover and what it would be like having three whole days together. It was just after midnight when Kevin let himself into his condo and he felt a tremble of anticipation as to what he would find on the other side of the door. He had this nightmare that Nick wouldn't have made it down and would leave him a message that he'd have to catch up with him some other time. He was pleasantly surprised to see the blonde sitting on the couch watching TV, his feet propped up on the coffee table.

Nick's head turned and his lip curled into a sexy smirk. His eyes were sparkling with excitement and Kevin felt a jolt of electricity through out his whole body. Nick always had that power to make his pulse race and his stomach do flips and Kevin definitely felt short of breath seeing his lover sitting casually on his couch. "Hey stranger." Nick licked his lips and curled his finger, indicating for Kevin to approach.

On trembling legs, Kevin crossed the room pausing as Nick held up his hand. He'd gotten halfway there, still a few feet away from the blonde. Kevin watched as Nick stood up and crossed the remaining distance.

"I think it's time I met you halfway." Nick stroked Kevin's cheek softly and brushed their lips together. Kevin felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and trembled. It was what he'd been needing so desperately to hear but hadn't realized it.

"Oh Nicky..."

"Shhhh baby. I know. I've been busy and neglecting you. I know it's been hard but you know I love you, just you. It's been hard on me too Kev."

Kevin nodded, finding himself lost in Nick's eyes and gentle touch. "I've missed you so much Nick." Kevin's voice was barely a whisper and he closed his eyes, leaning into Nick's embrace.

"I know you have because I've missed you just as much. God, I can't sleep without you there. I can't do much of anything." Their mouths met in a hot, demanding kiss as Nick led Kevin to the couch. He moved so that they were laying together, Kevin on top of him. "Do you love me Kev? Tell me you love me."

Kevin looked down at his lover and saw the raw emotion in his eyes, the same lost look that he'd seen so frequently in his own eyes lately and smiled. "I love you Nick. I love you so much."

"Show me."

They spent hours on the couch, making love and relearning each others' bodies. It was as if the past few months hadn't happened and if Kevin focused hard enough, it was like it had been in the beginning. So new and beautiful, so powerful he felt it all the way down to his toes. They made love twice on the couch before finally moving to his bedroom, only to make love one last time before falling asleep. It wasn't until morning that Kevin woke up, happy to have Nick's body wrapped around his once again.

Kevin's eyes darted around the room and landed on Nick's bag that he'd thrown in the corner of the room. A black leather coat was on the chair and Kevin recognized it as his own. Nick had borrowed it just before going on tour and Kevin smiled to know that he still wore it. As if having a piece of him with him at all times. Slipping out of Nick's embrace, Kevin headed towards the bathroom to relieve himself, stopping on the way back to pick up the jacket. Kevin fingered the material lovingly and instinctively slid his arms into it. Standing in front of the mirror, he looked at himself wearing the jacket, Nick's powerful scent invading his senses giving him butterflies. Kevin's hands moved to the pockets and he fingered a wad of papers and other items, extracting them out of curiosity. There were receipts, napkins with drawings on them, other odds and ends, but in the other pocket, Kevin pulled out two pieces of paper. Looking at the date on the receipts, Kevin saw that it was for the night before. A sense of foreboding hit Kevin and he took a closer look at the one piece of paper, noting that Nick had gone to a very upscale, private restaurant the night before. Definitely not a place that he would go to with his buddies for a few drinks. It was more of a romantic restaurant, and judging by the account of what was ordered, there had been a bottle wine, two entrees and one desert, most likely shared between the two people eating. Kevin felt as though he was going to be sick.

"What are you doing Kev?" Nick's voice startled him and he looked up, holding up the evidence.

"Where did you go last night?"

There was a brief flash of regret in Nick's eyes before it was covered up. Nick only smiled. "I told you..."

"You told me you were going out for a few drinks with the guys. Apparently your tastes have become a lot more refined since the last time you all went out. And why the hell did you pay for only two of you Nick?" Kevin's hands were on his hips and his head cocked to the side. He was waiting for Nick's explanation, unsure of what to think.

Guilt flashed across Nick's features and his face fell. "I'm sorry Kevin. I'm sorry I had to lie to you, but I didn't want to hurt you."

Kevin felt his world crumble before him and the receipts fell to the floor. Nick was up in an instant and had pulled Kevin into his arms. "Oh.."

"I was meeting with an executive from the label. She was trying to persuade me to go with another producer for the next CD. She doesn't think that it's wise if you and I work together, so I thought I'd wine and dine her and change her mind." Nick ran his fingers through Kevin's hair lovingly, trying to soothe the older man.

"What?" Kevin wasn't sure if Nick thought he was that stupid or what, but he didn't believe a word of it. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"I'm serious baby. You thought ...." Nick's eyes opened wide and his face turned white. Kevin saw the hurt in Nick's eyes and he started to doubt himself. Nick was tearing up and Kevin felt tears of his own. "You thought I was cheating on you?"

"I ...what was I supposed to think. You tell me one thing, but then I was just going through my coat, so fucking happy to see that you still wear it and found this receipt that says another. What would you have thought?"

Nick shook his head solemnly. "I would have trusted you Kevin."


And just like that, Kevin felt worse than he had when he thought Nick was cheating on him. "Oh god, baby I'm sorry. I didn't know what to think and I jumped to conclusions. Can you forgive me?" Kevin was trembling violently now, unsure of what to feel, think or believe. He nearly cried out in relief when Nick pulled him into his arms.

"Of course I can forgive you. I love you. But don't ever doubt me. Its only you. I wanted to tell you I was meeting with her, but I didn't want to worry you. They approached me with a few producers a few weeks ago and I insisted that I work with you on some of the songs. Not all of them, but a good portion of them. And they decided that it be best I look elsewhere. I told them I don't care what they think, so we arranged last night to talk more about it."

"What happened baby? What did she say?"

"Well, we didn't come to any definite agreements, but I think she knows where I stand on the issue and we're going to meet again to go over things more thoroughly."

Kevin nodded and allowed Nick to lead him back to bed.

"Now, we don't have to be up for a few more hours yet Kev and I wasn't done catching up."

The three days were possibly the best three days that Kevin had in New York up until that point. Things had gone back to the way they were before the weirdness settled in and it caused for Kevin to wonder if things had been weird in the first place. He continued on with the show and Nick was finishing this tour, extending dates and adding more appearances. Once his run on Broadway finished, Kevin found himself back home in LA, Nick unsure as to when he'd be joining him. It was almost two months after he got back that Nick had been afforded some breathing time.

"Nick, your cell is ringing." Kevin called from the bedroom as he sat in front of Nick's open suitcase. The blonde had a few meetings in New York regarding his second CD and was leaving in two days to go up. Kevin had thought he'd join him, but Nick insisted that he would be in meetings all day and doing promo stuff at night and Kevin would probably be bored waiting for him alone in the hotel. As if he wasn't doing the same thing at home.

"Can you answer it?" Nick called back. Kevin shrugged and picked up the tiny blue phone and looking at the call display. All it said was R with a 212 area code. New York. His eyebrows crinkled. Seconds later Nick burst into the room and grabbed the phone out of his hands, before he'd gotten a chance to answer it. "Sorry, I didn't realize it was THIS phone ringing. I've got it babe, thanks." Nick kissed him quickly before answering the call.

"Carter..." Kevin held his breath as he listened to Nick's side of the conversation.

"Yeah. I can do that. No, it's not a problem. I told you to call this number... it's okay. I'm sure." Nick's eyes locked on Kevin's for a fraction of a second before darting away. "No, not really. Yeah. So we'll do that then. Can't wait. Thanks. You too."

Kevin raised an eyebrow in question and Nick only blushed. "New phone. Got it for..."

"For what?"

"For private use. My old private cell number got leaked so I had to change it. That was.." Nick paused for a second before continuing. "Rob. He had to call to get a few details straight."

"He was calling from New York?"

Nick laughed. "New York? What are you talkin about? He's in the Valley."

"I saw 212 Nick. New York!"

Nick shrugged. "I don't know what you're talkin about babe."

Kevin sighed knowing that he had to ask. For his own piece of mind. "Nick. Is there someone else? Seriously. I need to know, once and for all."

Nick only stared at him, as if weighing out his next move.

"This is your get out of jail free card. I'm going to ask you once and believe whatever you tell me. If you've got someone else, we'll deal with it and move on. If you don't, tell me and I'll believe you. But if you lie and say no and I find out there is, there's no going back." Kevin was terrified of Nick's answer. He held his breath and prayed that Nick would make the right decision.

"There's no one else Kevin. Nobody but you."

Kevin wanted to cry. Out of all of the lies Nick had told him throughout the years, this one hurt the most. Kevin's heart was officially dead where Nick was concerned.

"Then have a great trip to New York Nicky." He wasn't sure how he kept the tears from falling, but he had to be strong. It would only be two days and then he would allow himself to react. Until then, nothing was wrong.

Nick thought he wouldn't remember their game. Their lying without really lying. Granted, it had been a long time since they'd played it, but it wasn't something that you forgot easily after ten years. It had started out as a way to mess with the media during interviews, all five of them playing along to see who could do it the best. Whenever they were asked a question they didn't want to answer but knew they had to, they would use a song to help expand the truth. Whenever they were trying to amuse themselves, they would use lyrics to songs to show their insincerity, as if it were a joke. A joke on the rest of the world that only they got. Now the joke was on him. And the worst part was that Nick had used one of his own songs to lie to his face, the irony was overwhelming.

For two days, Kevin was the perfect boyfriend. He helped Nick pack, helped him get ready for his trip and did last minute shopping for him while he was busy getting his things in order. Kevin pretended that things were as they'd always been, except this time his eyes were open an he was finally seeing reality. There had been so many things he'd missed because of his love for the blonde, and now that Kevin was open to the possibility, he wondered how he could have stayed blind for so long. How he manipulated the truth to fit what he wanted to see and hear, not what was being done or said. The reality of the situation made Kevin sick to his stomach. He didn't doubt that Nick loved him, because on some level he was sure that the blonde did. But it was painfully clear that the issue wasn't whether Nick loved him, but how much.

And Kevin realized it wasn't enough.

Wasn't enough for him to not be sleeping around. From what Kevin learned, it was men and women, Nick wasn't particular. And it was a lot more frequent than he could have ever imagined. Kevin wondered if Nick had ever been faithful to him.

He wasn't sure he really wanted to know the truth.

"Okay baby, I'll see you in a week." Nick kissed Kevin thoroughly. Kevin fought not to pull away but instead allowed the blonde to possess his mouth as he always did.

'Get a good taste Nicky because it's going to be a fucking long time before you do that again,' Kevin thought bitterly. Instead he simply said, 'okay Nicky. Have fun."

"I will. I love you." Nick kissed him one last time, waiting for his answer.

"You too." Kevin always replied with an 'I love you too', but not today. Nick noticed and furrowed his brow. "What?" Kevin asked nervously.

"You don't love me?"

"Why should I, you don't love me. Did you ever love me?" Kevin thought, instead saying, "you know I do baby."

"Then tell me."

Kevin fought not to roll his eyes. "I love you." Nick simply smiled as though nothing were wrong and picked his suitcase up.

"I'll call you, but don't wait up. I might be out late. Going straight to a dinner meeting from the airport."

"Okay, don't work too hard baby. You know how you get so focused on work that you forget to take care of yourself. Wouldn't want you burning out."

Nick winked and shook his head. "Don't worry about me Kev, I know how to take care of myself."

Kevin shut the door and shook his head. "I know you do Nickolas."

He waited until he was sure Nick's flight had taken off before putting his plan into motion. There was a knock on his door ninety minutes after he'd made his phone call. "Fuck. You okay man?" The person asked, entering the house.

"Not even close. But I will be." Kevin pulled the smaller man into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Thanks for being here Aje. It means a lot to me."

"Don't even worry about it bro. You know I'm here for you." They headed further into the house where Kevin had boxes littering the living room. He'd been busy while waiting for AJ to arrive, having quite a large portion of his things already packed. "You got a place?"

Kevin nodded. "I know someone who knows someone. Called a few days ago and they hooked it up."

"He have any idea?"

Kevin bit his lip and shook his head. "I don't think so."

"You know why I think he's done it all this time?"

Kevin snapped his head to face AJ, disbelief evident on his face. "You've known? All along?" He watched AJ shake his head slowly.

"Haven't you?"

"NO!"

The clucking noise AJ made with his mouth echoed in the silent room. "Really Kevin. Putting aside all the bullshit for a minute, be honest with me. Fuck man, be honest with yourself. You can not tell me that you haven't suspected, at least once in the past five years..."

Kevin wanted to shake his head and refute AJ's statement. Wanted to tell him that no, this was just a one time thing and he'd been faithful the rest of their relationship. But he knew he couldn't. He'd lied to himself for far too long thinking it was easier. His silence spoke volumes.

"So you want to know why I think ..."

"Why?"

"Because you let him."

And it all boiled down to that. Kevin knew it. AJ knew it, and if they asked Nick, he probably knew it too. If Kevin had have said something in the beginning, given Nick an ultimatum it might have been different, but Nick had cheated on him and Kevin let him. It wasn't as if Nick was super sly about it. He wasn't. They both knew he'd been doing it, and they both knew the other was aware of it, but still, Kevin hadn't said anything. So Nick continued on doing it and Kevin continued letting him.

"It's my fault."

"I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that's why he kept on doing it. It doesn't make it right though. If he loved you enough, he wouldn't have done it, even if you did allow it to happen."

"Come on Aje, we've got more work to do."

He left the major appliances and furniture. It wasn't as if he needed it at his new place, and it wasn't as if he couldn't afford new ones. He simply took his personal possessions and a few other things that held deep sentimental value for him. Within three hours, the past five years of his life had become a memory. Kevin thought that when this day came he would be more upset, more emotional about it but in reality, it was liberating. He'd been anticipating it for the past few years, knowing it was inevitable. They'd been slowly working to this point and although he'd refused to consciously allow himself to think about it until now, it had always been at the back of his mind. He took a deep breath and let his eyes roam their bedroom - Nick's bedroom. It was no longer theirs. He startled when he felt AJ's hand on his shoulder.

"You ready?"

Through tear filled eyes Kevin nodded, although neither were sure whether the tears were happy or sad ones. It just felt appropriate for Kevin to cry. For a love gone wrong. For a love he'd cherish for the rest of his life. For what could have been and now would never be again. He'd spent the past five years living for Nick. Loving for Nick. Now it was his turn.

Although he wanted to just leave without a trace, make Nick wonder where he had gone and what he had done, he couldn't. Despite what he'd tried to ignore, everything Nick had done to him, he still loved him. More than he probably should have. But he did. And so, while Nick had slept the previous two nights, Kevin composed a letter. Telling Nick everything he wanted to say. He said everything he'd previously said to Nick, as well as all of the things he'd always wanted to but couldn't. He wrote until his fingers cramped, stretched them and wrote some more. He wrote until he just didn't have any words left to say, and countless pages later, it was all laid out for him. Explaining everything.

Kevin wasn't mad. He didn't hate him. He just couldn't do it any longer. But he wanted Nick to know that he did still love him. He wasn't in love with him, but he had a feeling that Nick would understand. He followed AJ out of the house and paused on the front door step.

"You're going to have to lock the door. I don't have keys anymore." They'd always had keys to each others' houses. It was partially a safety precaution, partially because they were family, but Kevin didn't feel right keeping his keys to this house. He saw the expression on AJ's face but didn't falter, his mind was made up. With each step away from the house Kevin felt the weight on his shoulders lessen. The heaviness in his heart lifted.

AJ climbed into his car, Kevin into his own. Directions had been given in the house and Kevin was confident that the younger man knew where he was going. "I have two stops to make and I'll be over. Let yourself in if you beat me there." AJ only nodded before pulling out of his driveway and heading towards Kevin's new house. An hour later he finished his errands and pulled up to his new place, a small beach side house. It wasn't as big as the house he'd shared with Nick, but it was perfect. Just what he was looking for at the moment. He let himself in through the open door and found AJ sitting on the window seat overlooking the ocean, a glass of iced tea in his hand. All of his boxes were brought in from AJ's car and put in the proper rooms.

I made some juice. Stopped at the grocery store as well to get a few staple foods for you. Figured that the shit you had to do would take a bit, so I took my time."

Kevin nodded and grabbed a plastic cup from the sleeve, pouring himself some iced tea before joining AJ on the seat. "The furniture should be here tomorrow morning before ten."

"You want me to stay?"

Kevin shook his head. "No point. I'll be okay. Gonna unpack, and then tomorrow I'm meeting a friend to go shopping."

AJ raised an eyebrow as he tried to hide his smirk. He was unsuccessful.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"What?"

"That smirk."

"Jayce must be happy that you and the kid broke up. Not like he hasn't been waiting for that for years."

"It's not like that." Kevin was almost angry that AJ would suggest that his friendship with JC Chasez was anything more than platonic. "I'm not Nick."

"I know Kev, I'm just saying."

"And for the record, it's not like we haven't had ample opportunity to fuck around. With the amount of nights that Nick had left me alone and lonely..."

AJ put his hand on Kevin's to soothe the older man. "I know Kev. I know, that's why I said he must be happy you and the kid broke up. Now you're free."

Kevin sighed. AJ was right. He was free, and it wasn't like he and JC hadn't come close countless times, but it didn't seem right. Not yet anyways. It didn't matter that he and Nick hadn't been together in quite some time, not really. He still needed time to deal with the broken relationship. "Fuck.."

"He's not going anywhere Kev. He's waited this long for you to cut things loose, he'll wait as long as you need him to."

 

Kevin gave a small smile and nodded. "I know."

"So tell him hi when you see him tomorrow. And tell him to tell that punk ass bitch Timberlake that the next time he's in LA, he better fucking call me. He still owes me that rematch from the last time we went golfing."

Kevin laughed, rolling his eyes. "Give it up Aje, you're never gonna beat him."

"Some friend you are. You're supposed to be on my side."

"I'm a realist Aje. And you're never gonna beat him."

They talked for a few minutes more until AJ decided to go and leave Kevin alone. He knew that as much as Kevin needed someone right then, what he needed more was to be alone. With instructions to call him if he needed anything, AJ left.

The furniture came, as did JC who helped Kevin move the rest of his things to where he wanted them. The two men headed to a few of JC's favourite stores, as well as some that AJ had suggested and everything else that Kevin could possibly want was bought and arranged to be delivered to his house. All without anyone besides the two men Kevin had confided in knowing. There were a few times when Kevin was tempted to check the voice mail at his and Nick's old house, but each time he'd move to dial the numbers, he shook his head and hung up the phone, not wanting to know.

It felt like a year instead of a week and Kevin felt his stomach churning the entire day that Nick was scheduled to return. He wanted to leave the house and do something, but at the same time wanted to be home in case Nick would call, which he knew he would. JC had suggested he come over and wait with him, but it was something that Kevin had to do on his own. And in case Nick came over, he didn't want Nick to see JC there and wonder the real reasons why he left. He wanted the blonde to know that he and he alone was the cause for Kevin to leave. It was seven thirty when his cell phone rang. Kevin was on the back deck, looking over the ocean when he heard the sound.

He took a deep breath before answering. "Hello?"

"Kev?" It was Nick's voice and Kevin could hear the confusion in it, and what sounded curiously as though he were sniffling. Kevin wondered if Nick was actually crying, if he meant that much to him.

"Nick." His heart was pounding, his pulse racing.

"What ....what is this?"

Kevin could hear rustling of paper in the background and he pictured it to be his letter in Nick's hands. "A letter Nick. My letter to you. I thought it was pretty straight forward."

"But..." Kevin could hear Nick moving and pictured him going to the closet. There was the sound of a door opening and closing, followed by Nick opening the dresser drawers, only to find all of Kevin's empty. "You're gone? For real?"

"For real Nick."

"Why baby?"

Kevin couldn't stop the laugh that erupted. "Why? Do you need to ask? Put aside the fact that I spelled it out for you in my letter Nick, do I really need to give you a reason?" The past week had given Kevin ample opportunity to think and his broken heart turned into anger. He was angry not only at Nick for treating him the way he had for so long, but at himself for allowing him to. "How many were there?"

Nick didn't speak and Kevin could only hear him breathing. He waited a few minutes before asking again.

"Please Nick. Don't lie to me. How many?"

"Too many."

Kevin gave a bitter smile at Nick's answer. He hadn't been expecting it but it was still nice to hear. "There you go."

"Can't we talk about this?" Nick pleaded and Kevin could hear the tears in his voice. It almost made him feel sorry for the blonde but the words 'too many' rang in his ears and he couldn't. "I mean, don't be irrational. We can work this out."

"I told you before you left that you had your get out of jail free card. You had your chance to confess to me and we'd work through it. You chose to lie."

"What made that time different Kev? Of all the times you asked and I said there was no one, why this time?"

"Nobody but you." Nick gasped and Kevin sighed. "Exactly."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? Because you got caught? Because this time it didn't work?"

"Because it's over. Everything."

Kevin cocked his head to the side, he didn't know what that meant. "Everything?"

"Our relationship, our friendship. Everything."

Kevin felt tears prick his eyes and he pulled the phone from his ear for a moment. He knew that for everything Nick had done to him, how hurt he was, there was no way he could cut the blonde out of his life completely. It would take a while to be on stable ground for them, but they'd been through too much to not remain friends. "It's going to take time, but you haven't lost me completely Nicky. I'll still be your friend."

"But it won't be the same."

"You're right, it won't. You saw to that. If you wanted other people, if you didn't want to be tied down you should have come to me."

"But you knew," Nick was starting to get upset now and Kevin braced himself for the explosion. "You knew all along and suddenly now you have a problem? Now you decide that I'm this asshole?"

"Nick you were always the asshole, it's just now I realized I deserve more."

"If you didn't want me fucking around you should have said something at the beginning, when you first knew about it."

Kevin felt as though Nick had kicked him in the gut and he closed his eyes and tried to calm his voice enough to talk. "I shouldn't have had to."

They both knew it was true, and although Kevin waited for Nick to retaliate, he didn't. "So ...it's over? Like, for good?"

"Has been for a while."

The silence was deafening and Kevin just wanted the call to be over. "Can I come over? Can we talk about this in person?" There was hope in Nick's voice that Kevin didn't want to crush but had to.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"There's nothing I can say to change your mind?"

"No." Kevin was quite proud of how firm he was being, how strong he was. They spoke for a few more minutes until Kevin felt it necessary to end the call. "Nick? I think I should go now. I've said all I can right now." He heard Nick's disapointed sigh.

"Can I call you sometime?"

"I don't think so Nick. I need time away from you and I think it's best if we don't see each other or talk for a while."

"Okay." He heard Nick sniffle a few more times. "I just ...there's something I need you to know Kevin, before I hang up."

"What is it?" Kevin steeled himself, unsure as to what Nick was going to say.

"I really do love you. Despite everything ... despite it all, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. More than I ever will love anyone. I can't hang up without you knowing that."

It was bittersweet for Kevin, on one hand it answered a question he wouldn't let himself think about. He'd wanted to know if Nick did love him, in spite of all of his cheating and lying. And he'd answered it, but on the other hand, if he loved him so much why would he cheat? Why would he lie. Kevin couldn't bring himself to ask that question. Instead, he inhaled deeply before letting it out.

"It just wasn't enough. Good bye Nickolas." And with that, Kevin hung up the phone.

Finis

Whitney Houston "It's Not Right But It's Okay"
From the CD -My Love Is Your Love (1998)


Friday night you and your boys went out to eat
Then they hung out
But you came home around three
Yes you did
If six of y'all went out
Then four of you are really cheap, yeah
Cuz only two of you had dinner
I found your credit card receipt

It's not right, but it's ok
I'm gonna make it anyway
Pack your bags, up and leave
Don't you dare come running back to me

It's not right, but it's ok
I'm gonna make it anyway
Close the door behind you, leave your key
I'd rather be alone than unhappy

I pack a bag so you can leave town for a week, yes I am
The phone rings and then you look at me
(Why turn and look at me)
You said it was one of your friends
Down on 54th street, boy
So why did 213 show up on your caller ID

(I've been through all of this before)
I've been through all of this before
(So go out and get your things)
Don't think about it, don't think about it
(And all the sleeping around, it takes some, boy )
They gon' get yours
(Things are gonna change)
Things are gonna change, baby
( Cuz I won't be your fool anymore)
You don't stand a chance, boy
(That's why you'll have to leave)
Say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(So don't turn around to see my face)
Don't you turn around
There's no more tears left here for you to see

Was it really worth you going out like that
Tell me boy
See I'm moving on
And I refuse to turn back, yeah
See all of this time
I thought I had somebody down for Whitney
It turns out you were making a fool of me, yeah

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