home

Title: Kismet
Author: Jules
Pairing: TimberNick
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Part: 1/1
Disclaimer: Fiction for entertainment purposes. Not real.
Warning: Slash warning. Bigroupal warning
Notes: For TimberNick Slash challenge, needing to use the phrase "box of tissues".

Kismet
by Jules

The knocking at the door was seriously starting to piss him off. It was well after three am and he wasn't intending on any guests. He'd gone up to his cabin in the woods to escape guests and hadn't told anyone where he was going for the sheer purpose so that he could be alone. It wasn't that he was sleeping, far from it. He hadn't been sleeping for days.

Weeks.

Months?

Okay, years. Years, and he'll be the first to admit that it's a problem, but it's not a problem he's all too worried about. There are more important things that he's dealing with, thank you very much, and the lack of sleep just seems so trivial in light of everything else he's got going on inside his head.

He thought he could ignore it, hope that they would just go away, but clearly that plan isn't going to work. Seeing that the banging is still going on without any hint of letting up. God damned fuckers. It takes him less than a minute to get from the room he was comfortably watching a movie in to the front door, volleying between really pissed off and curious as to why someone would have braved the raging storm outside, driving to the middle of nowhere, not even sure if anyone was going to be there.

Nick knew he should have hid the truck better when he'd parked earlier that week. It was in plain sight that anyone who had driven the two hours off the closest marked road, found the barely visible track marks and then happened to get lucky and find amidst the millions of trees and forestry his modest sized cabin, which itself was well hidden by nature. He had honestly thought no one would be able to find him, hence his failure to sufficiently hide his truck. Next time he would know better.

The door opened with lightning speed and Nick stepped back so that the pouring rain wouldn't affect his dry, warm clothing. His eyes dropped down to the floor that was getting wetter by the minute, only to raise and look his visitor in the eyes. They looked as unimpressed as he did.

"Fucker. You couldn't have come down and done that half an hour ago?"

Nick simply raised an eyebrow and gave a half shrug. They got what they deserved for coming uninvited. He felt it necessary to tell them that. "Your own fault bro. Not like you were invited."

"Can I at least come in? It's sort of wet out here."

Nick actually contemplated telling the man no. Telling him to get back into his car and drive the fuck away, not caring where they went as long as they were gone. Twenty seconds passed without an answer and they simply pushed him out of the way cursing at him.

"What the fuck is your problem? It shouldn't have been that hard a question to answer."

Nick watched silently as they took off their coat, making a bigger puddle on the floor. He crossed his arms and leaned against the now closed door, watching them through uninterested eyes. Not only were they intruding on his time alone, but they were making a fucking mess in his cabin, not a good way to start the visit that hadn't been welcomed in the first place. "I don't want to talk."

"Good, because I don't really want to talk to you either right now. Because of you I'm going to totally get pneumonia or some shit. Fucking asshole." They were still standing in the foyer, wearing soaking wet clothing watching him angrily. Nick shrugged and headed towards the stairs.

"That's what you get for coming where you're not wanted."

"You're not even going to get me a towel?" They asked in disbelief. This was unusual behaviour, even for Nick. Not that he was always the model host, but he had never seemed so cold before, so uncaring.

Their words caused for Nick to stop, halfway up the stairs. He turned around, without changing his facial expression. "You managed to find this place without any problems, and I've got it hidden so well that people with maps haven't been able to find it. I'm sure you can track down the linen closet." He turned back around and continued up the stairs, pausing only briefly at the top. "And wash the fucking floor when you're done. You're making a mess." A box of tissues came flying down the stairs, as if supposed to be some sort of joke.

"Nick!" It came out as a defeated sigh, tone full of longing and understanding. Nick felt his body react by tensing up. This was why he wanted to be alone. He didn't want them to talk to him in that tone, look at him with sympathetic eyes. He didn't want their pity. Anyone's pity.

"Justin. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me the fuck alone." There was no fight in his tone, just resignation. All he needed was time to heal, and it seemed that no one wanted to give him that time.

Justin closed his eyes and bit his lip, vowing not to let Nick's depression affect him. He hadn't noticed it until recently and when it had practically hit him in the face, Justin couldn't believe how he'd missed it for so long. How he could have been so close to the older man and not realize what was happening. How he could be such an awful friend that his own problems and his own life had come to overshadow everything else to a point where someone he cared for more than anything was going through hell without him realizing it. Justin had never felt so helpless in his entire life. And by the time he'd realized what was going on, it was too late. Nick had withdrawn completely into his shell and wouldn't let anyone near him, not even the ones that were trying to help. And all Justin wanted to do was help him.

Figuring that Nick was locked up somewhere in the house, Justin slipped out of his now soaking jeans and tee shirt. He left them in a pile on the wet floor and searched through the main floor, looking for a linen closet. Finding none, he crept up the stairs and looked for the smallest door, finding it relatively easy. Inside there were huge fluffy towels, all warm and soft to the touch. Justin was shivering now, his body trembling from the cool water soaking his skin as well as the frigid air of the cabin. Once he'd dried and wrapped himself tightly in the towel, he went back downstairs to the laundry room looking for a basket to throw his clothes in. Within twenty minutes the foyer was dry and clean, no evidence except for his muddy boots and still wet jacket hanging over the boot tray by the door.

Nick had been wrong about one thing, he hadn't found the cabin without difficulty. After turning off of the main road, what should have been a two hour ride ended up taking him six. It was dark, raining and muddier than he'd remembered it, all due to the nasty storm outside. He'd driven around blindly for a while, only finding the right path by chance and had cried out in relief when Nick's well hidden cabin had come into view. Justin didn't know what he was going to do if he had arrived only to find Nick's truck wasn't in the makeshift driveway, but thankfully that wasn't an issue. Not only was Nick's truck there, he could also see a faint flickering light coming out of one of the upstairs windows, indicating that Nick was indeed there.

Justin knew he had a choice, he could go upstairs and force Nick to talk, or he could wait for the blonde to come to him. As angry as he was with Nick, as much as he wanted to scream at him for making him worry for four days, not knowing where he was or what he'd done, Justin knew that force wasn't going to get them anywhere. Screaming and yelling was only going to make Nick less likely to talk, and he hadn't spent the past twelve hours driving up here to have Nick freeze up and refuse to talk to him. So instead of going up to force Nick to talk, he softly knocked on Nick's bedroom door and walked in without saying a word. He went over to the thick oak dresser and opened up the top drawer, pulling out a pair of boxer briefs, still in the original packaging. He closed the top drawer and opened the middle, finding a pair of jogging pants that would probably be slightly loose on him but warm none the less. A tee shirt was next and Justin simply looked over at the bed where Nick's
 attention had diverted from the movie he was watching, Aliens, to where his dresser was being raided.

"I'm not going outside for my bag, and I'm sure as hell not going to be freezing my balls off being naked until it stops raining, so the least you can do is let me wear some of your clothes." It wasn't a request, Justin was telling him he was taking them. Flashing Nick a glare that said 'don't mess with me', Justin went through the master bedroom to the master bath and shut the door. He set the clothes on the counter and slipped into the shower, warming the water to an appropriate temperature. The hot shower killed the chill that had set in and by the time he emerged half an hour later, Justin felt much better. He hadn't expected the sight he was met with upon reentering the bedroom.

"I'm guessing you didn't eat. I had stuff left over from dinner so I threw it in the microwave."

There were three TV table stands set up with Tupperware, all still steaming from being reheated. Justin cocked an eyebrow but didn't say anything, unsure of what Nick's sudden change of heart meant. He received a chuckle from the blonde, as if able to read his mind.

"Sit down, I'll even put something else on to watch."

Justin pulled up the computer chair from across the room and felt his stomach growl at the scent of food. He had eaten dinner, but that had been hours ago and it was only a pre wrapped sandwich he'd picked up from a 7-11 he'd passed on the trip up. The first Tupperware contained rice and chicken with potatoes. The second had spaghetti and meatballs, while the third was more chicken and vegetables. Just as he was about to say something, Nick cocked his head to the side and smiled. "Hurry up, I'm hungry too and whatever you don't want I'm going to eat. And it's getting cold while you're taking your sweet ass time."

Justin passed Nick the spaghetti, which he knew that blonde was secretly hoping he'd cast aside and hid a grin as Nick dug in enthusiastically. The second tray had drinks on it while the third was topped with more Tupperware, probably desert, and fruit. At first glance, Justin thought that Nick had brought up entirely too much food, but as he finished off both chicken dishes, a two litre bottle of gingerale and some of the reheated garlic bread Nick had brought, he realized how hungry he was. "Why so much food?"

"I've been bored, so I cook. And I'm not so used to cooking for one so I've been making too much. So I just cleaned out all the leftovers from the fridge." Nick shrugged, uncovering the deserts. Justin's mouth watered as he eyed the Sara Lee cheesecake, grinning when Nick passed it to him. "I thought you'd want some of this."

"Don't you want any?"

Nick shook his head. "Nah, I made jello yesterday."

The movie that Nick had picked out for them to watch was Something About Mary?, and Justin rolled his eyes as it started. "We don't have to watch this."

"I know, but it's gonna make you uncomfortable and I just think it's funny."

"How about we watch Austin Powers?"

Nick pretended to think about it before shaking his head. "Nah, this one."

"Aliens? You can even start it from the beginning and I'll watch them with you. All of them."

Nick faintly heard a genuine pleading tone in Justin's voice and set down his Tupperware bowl down on the TV tray stand. He paused the movie and really looked at Justin. "You really want this off?"

Justin swallowed with much difficulty and nodded. "Yeah. I just don't want to see this right now." He averted his eyes down to his half eaten piece of cheesecake. "Maybe never."

The screen was blank and the DVD was ejected before either had a chance to blink. The disc was put in the case which was thrown under the bed. Seconds later another movie was loaded in, neither man saying a word. When Nick was situated on the bed, he gently patted the mattress beside him, indicating he wanted Justin to join him. It took a few seconds, but they were both sitting on the bed, backs against the headboard enjoying their deserts.

"You want to talk about it?" Nick asked softly as he pressed PLAY on the converter.

"Do you?" Their eyes met and a silent understanding passed between them.

"Maybe tomorrow," Nick's voice was a whisper, the last soft noise before the movie started to play. As the opening sequence started Justin burst into laughter.

"Are you serious?"

Nick grinned. "Yeah, I got it in advance. It came out like, yesterday but I had it last week. I fucking love this movie."

The last movie Justin expected Nick to put in was Finding Nemo, but seeing the way Nick's eyes lit up and how happy the Disney movie made him, he knew it was the right choice.

It had turned into a Disney night because when Nemo was finished, Justin had raided Nick's DVD collection to find The Fox and The Hound, a movie that he hadn't seen in forever. By the time that movie was finished, it was daylight outside and Nicks' turn to pick. The Little Mermaid was next. And so forth until they'd both fallen asleep, curled up together.

Nick yawned and felt the bed beside him, not surprised when it was empty. Justin had probably woken up hours ago and was downstairs. The sun was shining brightly and he knew the storm had finally passed. It had been raining the whole five days he'd been at his cabin and knew that it was going to be a few more days before he'd be able to leave. The trails would be muddy and almost impossible to get out without getting stuck. He was actually shocked that Justin had made it up without getting stuck. As if it was fate.

He quietly made his way downstairs, surprised to hear Justin speaking softly to someone. "... yeah, I found him."

Nick's back straightened and his pulse started to race. Justin was talking about him and he wondered to whom. Without making his presence known, Nick got as close to the living room as he could, wanting to hear all of Justin's conversation.

"...he's fine. Yeah, he's fine. Don't worry about it, I've got it under control."

Under control? What did Justin had under control? And don't worry about what? Nick was furious. He felt betrayed and angry tears began to prick the corners of his eyes. He was about to make his presence known when something stopped him. He paused to hear what was going to be said next.


"Lance, I don't care all right? I don't give a shit what Kevin says. I don't give a shit about what AJ says. They can go to hell for I care. He left for a reason and if everyone would get their heads out of their asses for one minute to think about something other than themselves they would see that. There is something wrong, like seriously wrong... No I don't know what it is, but I just know it okay."

Nick felt his body starting to relax as he listened to Justin's heated conversation. He could only imagine what Lance was saying on the other end, but judging by the way Justin's body was tense, he was certain it wasn't good.

"Clearly I know where he is Lance...." Justin sighed with emotional exhaustion. He didn't have time for Lance's bull shit. Nick would probably be up soon and if he was caught talking to anyone back home there would be hell to pay. "I don't have time for this okay. He's going to be up soon. No I'm not telling you where he is."

Nick let out a sigh of relief and thanked Justin silently for being the friend he should have trusted him to be.

"Because it's no one's business but his own. How did I know where he was? Because I listen to him. I give a shit, which is more than I can say for them. So reassure them that he's fine and I'm taking care of it. He'll be back when he's ready and not sooner." Justin heard Lance pause and waited for the question he knew was coming.

"So.. you okay?"

He sighed. "I'm fine. No I don't want to talk about it. Yes it's over and if I'm right, she should be moving out as we speak." And knowing that Lance wouldn't let it die he added. "And yes I'm sure. Now fuck off and go bug someone else. I have to go."

Justin hung up the phone just as Nick entered the room, both watching each other awkwardly. Justin was expecting the third degree, but was surprised when Nick approached him and pulled him into a hug. It was tight and needy and everything that Nick didn't want to be, but couldn't help.

"Thank you," Nick whispered against Justin's throat. He trembled as he felt the younger man's arms wrap around his waist, holding him gently. He cursed the tears that were now falling, relieved in the knowledge that he wasn't entirely alone. That not everyone had abandoned him. By the time he pulled away, Nick had himself under control and fought the urge to be embarrassed. One look into his friend's eyes and he knew he had nothing to be embarrassed about, because Justin's eyes were suspiciously wet as well.

Both had so much they wanted to say, but neither could force themselves to start the conversation. Neither wanted to push too hard. "What would you have done if I wasn't here?"

Justin bit his lip and looked at something over Nick's shoulder. "Taken the key from the sixth rock from the end and hidden out here myself. It was a win win situation for me either way really."

Nick sat down on the couch, pulling Justin with him. He twisted his fingers in his lap for a few minutes before asking his next question. "Why didn't you just do that anyways? Seeing I wasn't letting you in, why not let yourself in?"

Justin shrugged, shifting Nick's face so that they were looking at each other. He gave an embarrassed smile. "I wanted you to let me in. I wanted you to want me to come in."

"I didn't though."

"You did. We both know that if you didn't want company you wouldn't have opened the door. You would have shut your bedroom door, turned up the TV and ignored me. I know how soundproof these walls are. You would have heard me coming or seen my headlights as I'd driven up. I know you probably got up to see who it was and knew it was me before you'd opened the door. You didn't even look surprised it was me. So if you didn't want company, you would have made me stay outside until I got back into my car and drove home."

Nick chuckled, knowing the truth in what Justin had said. He rolled his eyes, "how long would have it taken you to stop knocking?"

"I'd still be out there right now. Nothing was making me leave."

"I know. You're a demanding little shit like that."

Both men grinned at the compliment. Nick let out a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to stop his head from spinning as much as it was. He needed time to just put everything into perspective and figure out what was going on, in his heart and his head. He jerked slightly at the feel of Justin's hand on his thigh, moving up towards his hand. When their fingers tangled together, Nick opened an eye to find Justin watching him with a smile on his face, a smile that seemed to be out of relief and something else he couldn't quite read. "I just want you to be happy," Justin admitted, stroking the back of Nick's hand with his thumb.

"I want to be happy too."

"Wanna talk?"

Nick thought about it. Seriously thought about it before shaking his head. "No. Not yet." He would talk about it, but only when the time was right and he was sure he could get through it without crying. Or without wanting to. The wounds of betrayal were still too fresh, too real and Nick wasn't sure he knew what exactly he was feeling worse about. So he wanted to keep it to himself until he was okay with things, at least a little bit.

The day was spent alternating between eating, sleeping and playing video games. Justin hadn't realized just how tired he was, emotionally, physically and mentally. Just being in the open air, the lack of pressure put upon him and the freedom to just exist, was giving his body time to recuperate, even when Justin hadn't realized that he'd needed it. And the best part was that Nick wasn't offended if, mid movie, Justin would fall asleep. Or if he would just get up and leave the room to go to one of the many bedrooms for time alone. They understood each other completely and found each other's company a wonderful healing solution for everything that was ailing them.

What Justin enjoyed was that Nick felt the same freedom with him. There was no pressure to be 'on', no worries other than of what to make for dinner or what movie to put in. They fell into a routine that was perfected and felt as though had been in place all their lives. All it took was Justin's cell phone ringing once, a call from Kevin who probably badgered someone until they gave him the number, for it to be turned off and thrown deep into the woods. Both Nick and Justin had grinned satisfied as the sound of metal crashing and crunching on wood echoed through the air.

They had been there a week, well Nick had been there nearly two but Justin had only been there one when Nick was ready to talk.

"AJ's doing a solo gig. He's in the studio recording as we speak." They were sitting in the attic, staring out the sunroof that Nick had put in. Although it was an attic, it was more of a lounge, with couches, chairs and a giant sunroof to sit and look up at the stars through. In the summer the window could open to let the warm breeze in while in the winter Nick had the roof shaped so that the snow would slide off, perfect for looking out of to watch the stars. They were both slouched down on the couch, staring up at the sky.

Justin's expression didn't change. This wasn't anything new, they'd known AJ was doing a solo album for months, so he figured that there was more. More that hadn't been hashed out in the media. He stayed quiet because he knew Nick, and once the blonde had decided to talk he didn't need prompting to continue. Now that Nick had made the conscious decision to talk about it, he would.

"Yeah. The guys are really supportive. Kevin's even writing some stuff for him. Putting music to lyrics Aje wrote and shit like that. They're actually pretty happy for him."

Hearing that made Justin flinch and he let out a soft sigh. "Nicky.. I'm.."

"Don't be sorry." Nick's voice was hard as steel. And as fast as it turned hard, his tone was back to normal. "So yeah. I had phoned Howie, to do lunch and he said he was busy. He was busy helping AJ with his CD. There were a few tracks that needed a fresh ear to listen. Apparently all three of them have been down at one point or another, helping him out. I heard through the fucking news that he was actually going through with the CD. Now that I think about it, Howie is the only one that has even said it out loud to me, no one else will even talk about it with me."

Justin didn't know what Nick would be more offended about. The fact that they'd exiled him and kicked him out of the group for wanting to go solo when they were being more than supportive for AJ, or that AJ had enlisted in everyone's help but his. Both were equally as offensive and Justin's heart broke for the other man. His own solo decent hadn't been without problem, but he'd had more support than Nick had. As alone as he was, he knew he wasn't entirely alone.

Nick had been on his own for the whole process. From writing, to producing to promotion. Jive hadn't helped, his ex-bandmates hadn't helped, no one had helped, but still he'd gone through and done what he wanted. Did it so he could say that he had, that he'd followed his heart and done something for himself for once. He lost almost everything that had meant anything to him in the process, but Nick had known the risks going in and decided to take it anyways. Justin admired Nick for that fact, unsure if he would have made the same choices. He wasn't sure that if he had faced as many obstacles as Nick had, if he would have followed through. And still, after everything that he'd endured, he was working on a follow up. Despite the critics who had suggested he find his way back to Backstreet and stay where he belonged, the fans who had felt that Nick's solo career was the end of the group and had abandoned him when the negative reviews came in, and his 'brothers' who had let jealousy and
 bitterness override everything they'd built up in ten years, despite all of that, he was still going through with his dream, knowing that he was doing it for himself. Pure and simple.

Justin had never really liked the other members of Nick's group. The rivalry was never as bad as the media portrayed it to be, but there was no love lost between the members of NSYNC and Backstreet. The only times when the two groups spoke voluntarily was when they needed information from them. Like Kevin and AJ calling Lance to find out where Nick was. They knew that if they couldn't get ahold of him, Lance would be the next best choice because Lance always knew where Justin was, and where Justin was often times was where Nick was. Justin knew he would have to pay for that when he went back. Out of the ten, the only ones that were friends were Justin and Nick, the only two that were suspected to honestly hate each other. They always found that funny, almost poetic.

"Fuck em." Justin said.

Nick's forehead furrowed, his eyebrows coming together. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Don't let them bother you. So they're supporting him? Who the fuck cares. Maybe they've grown up and realized how shitty they treated you. Maybe they don't want to make the same mistakes."

Nick shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. "You just don't get it do you?"

In a flash, Justin was on his feet looking down on his friend. "No, I don't think I do. I don't think I get it and do you know why? Because you won't fucking explain it to me. You won't tell me what the hell is wrong with you! You won't open up for more than two god damned seconds to see that I'm here and I'm trying to help you. That even when I'm busy at home, just fucking tell me you need to talk or vent or scream and cry and I'll be there." Justin was angry, but he didn't know why. The rage that filled him was overwhelming and sudden. He was angry for so many things, pinpointing just one was impossible.

"This isn't about you. This isn't your problem." Nick was on his feet too, screaming just as loud.

"I'm making it my problem. When you leave without telling anyone where you're going or how long you're going to be gone... when you close yourself off to everyone and anyone who cares even just a little about you ...when you start to slowly kill yourself from the inside out, it becomes my problem. It becomes my problem because I'm making it my problem. Sometimes you can't deal with everything on your own Nick. Sometimes you need help, and it might not be the people who you WANT the help from, but that doesn't mean it's not as genuine and necessary."

"What the fuck is wrong with me that they hate me? Why do they hate me? What did I ever do for them to abandon me when I needed them most? Am I that bad a person for wanting to do something for myself for once?" All the fight was gone and he fell back onto the couch, trembling violently. Through misty eyes, Nick looked up at Justin who was watching him, expression unreadable.

"Who says it's even about you Nick? Yes, they treated you like shit. Yes they abandoned you and pretty much cut you out of their lives, and I know it's hard not to take that personally, but it might not be about you."

"That doesn't make sense Justin. Of course it's me, it has to be."

Justin sat down beside Nick and ran his fingers through the blonde spikes. "It's about them, and their insecurities. They knew that you were the one that could do it. It was just you. If any of them had have tried it wouldn't have worked. Hell Nick, you know AJ had gone to Jive before Jive approached you. He wanted to do one a while ago and they told him no, that he wasn't as big a selling point as you were. They chose you over him and that's got to hurt. Not to mention just the pain of watching you grow up and spread your own wings. They probably feel that you don't need them anymore and it was easier to cut you off rather than have you cut them off. There are so many different reasons why they did what they did, but you have to know it's not you. No matter what they say, no matter what they've convinced themselves of, they're the one with the problem."

"It just ....damn, it just hurts."

"I know Nick. I know." Justin paused for a moment before continuing. "Is that why you took off." He thought there was more to the story, but didn't want to pry. Nick had to tell him on his own.

Nick shook his head. "Well, it was part of the reason. It was that and the fact that AJ's got it in his head that I'm trying to sabotage him. I'd been at Jive for a meeting regarding the second album. They mentioned AJ's release date and it was the same day as mine. They're pretty much pitting our CDs against each other."

Justin's jaw dropped, honestly shocked. He hadn't been too surprised when Jive was pitting their CDs against one another, having Nick's come out a week before his own, but to do that to Nick and AJ was unbelievable. He hadn't thought Jive would sink THAT low, but that just showed how much he didn't know about the record company. "Are you fucking serious?"

Nick nodded and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, they told me that they wanted our CDs to come out on the same day and that we were going to be competing against each other. They wanted it to be this big promotion, the two of us head to head. I said no. If that was when they were releasing his, I was putting off the release of mine."

Justin flinched as he waited to hear what was going to come next. He knew enough to know that Nick's announcement wouldn't have been well received.

"They freaked. Said that if I didn't release mine on the date they'd given me, it wouldn't be released. At all. It was a big blow up and I said that I refused to play Aje that way. I wasn't going to screw him to promote myself. The meeting was tabled and we were going to continue it later. During that time, they went to Aje and said that I'd refused to release my CD anywhere near his, but basically put it that if he put out a CD, I wouldn't do one. That I was making them choose him or me. When AJ heard that, rather than call me to find out what really happened, he believed them and freaked out. He called a 'group meeting' and they all pretty much ambushed me."

Justin felt the anger rise in his stomach again, this time for Jive and for the four men Nick had once been so close to. Angry because one person shouldn't have had to deal with as much bullshit that Nick had. "What did they say?"

Nick proceeded to tell Justin the events of the ambush, remembering everything word for word, all of the insults and hurtful words they'd flung at him, all without letting him fully explain. When there had finally been room for him to speak, he was too in shock to defend himself. In shock that they held so much contempt and anger for him, but more in shock that they believed him to be such a bad person, so vengeful and full of hate. He was stunned that they thought so little of him. "They left and I packed my truck up. I've been here since."

Justin pulled Nick so that he was resting against him, stroking the older man's scalp in soothing movements. "How long were you planning on staying?" He felt Nick shake his head against his chest.

"I don't know. Forever. Until I had to go back. Until I found a reason to."

They sat in silence. Both men's minds were somewhere else, wondering how they got to the point they were at. It was Nick who broke the silence.

"Why were you running away?" Justin had never said outright that he was running away, but something he'd said that first morning had been nagging at Nick's mind since, and he wanted to know what was going on with the younger man. He'd mentioned that even if Nick hadn't been at the cabin, he would have come and stay anyways, getting away from things, and from what Nick knew, everything had previously been peaches and cream for him. So he couldn't figure out what Justin was running away from.

"I'm not running away," Justin said, almost too defensively.

"You are and I want to know why." Nick sat up so that he could look directly into Justin's eyes. "What is going on with you?"

"We're not here for me Nick, I'm here for you." Justin tried to get away but found himself pinned to the couch. Nick wasn't letting him move and the more he tried to fight it, the harder Nick held him down. "Let me go."

"No."

"Fuck... Nick get off me."

"No." Nick said it with more force this time. They were now sprawled across the couch, Nick on top of Justin, pinning his hands above his head. When Justin stopped struggling, Nick brought his forehead down and rested against Justin's. "Please, tell me. Why is Cameron moving out? Why are you here? What are you running from?"

"Me." Nick barely heard Justin's one word answer, but he could feel the pain the younger man was feeling.

"What?"

Justin looked into Nick's eyes and sighed, "Me. All of those questions can be answered with that one word, me. She's moving out because of me. I'm here because of me and I'm running from me."

Nick was utterly confused.

Justin maneuvered their hands so that Nick's fingers entwined with his own. He wasn't pinned down now so much as they were holding hands, Nick hovering over him. He wrapped his legs around Nick's and gently brought the older man down on top of him so that they were laying together comfortably.

Nick let go of one of Justin's hands to wipe the stray tears from his cheek. It wasn't often that Justin broke down, so when he did, it was big.

"She says I've been too preoccupied lately. My mind is somewhere else and even when I'm with her, I'm not. So we've been fighting lately. A lot. And then she said she wanted time to think, and that meant moving out. So she's gone. And her leaving made me think about why I wasn't more upset than I was. I should have been devastated, I mean, she's hot right? She's everything I want and more, but ...she's not. All I could think about was the fact that now that I'm single, I can maybe have what I really want with who I really want. Except..."

"Except what J?" Nick asked, barely breathing.

"Except now I can't have them."

"Why?" Justin had tilted his head so that rather than them laying with their faces buried in each other's neck, they were staring at one another, lips only inches apart.

"Because SHE'S back in the picture!" Justin's eyes traced Nick's lips and then moved up to look into his blue eyes which were watching him, full with confusion.

"Cam?"

Justin shook his head.

"I don't understand."

Nick barely had time to react before Justin pressed their mouths together, kissing him with a sweetness and hunger that rocked him down to his very core. Only slightly did Justin open his lips to flick his tongue against Nick's mouth before backing off, cheeks flushed in embarrassment.

"I heard the interview and have read the reports. She's back in your life, just when I thought I had a second chance, that we had a second chance, she's here to fuck that up. Again."

Nick was stunned, his lips burning from where Justin's had been pressed against them. Anything he thought Justin would say had been instantly thrown out the window and he'd been thrown for a loop. Nothing could have surprised him more at that moment. Nick had always thought he'd ruined any chance with Justin years ago, that he should be lucky for friendship, let alone anything more. Everything he'd ever wanted was being presented to him on a silver platter, and Nick didn't know how to react or what to say. "Fuck," he breathed, closing his eyes.

Justin leaned in to softly kiss both of Nick's eyelids, his forehead, nose and then his lips again. "You don't have to say anything Nick. I understand, it's just ...I had to tell you."

"You don't understand a damn thing," Nick said, his voice soft. He opened his eyes to see Justin watching him curiously. "I'm not with her. Not at all. We met up a few months ago and started talking. You know, about all the shit we were too immature to sit down and discuss four years ago. We've both done a lot of growing up and ... we share too much history to not, you know?" Justin nodded and Nick smiled. The smile reached right down to his soul for the first time in months. "She did a lot of apologizing, I did a lot of apologizing and we just ...cleared the air. It was long overdue, for both of us. But we're not getting back together." The expression on Justin's face was priceless, enough for Nick to lean in and kiss him passionately, letting his tongue press past closed lips to tease Justin's teeth into opening. As if realizing what was happening, Justin opened his mouth and fully kissed Nick back, allowing for them to pick up something that had been too long forgotten. "I thought
 I'd lost you forever."

"I did too," Justin admitted shyly. And then I woke up one morning missing you. Missing you more than I'd ever missed anyone. Loving you more than I'd loved anyone and I realized that I'd never be fully over you. Brit. Cam. Anyone else, all to compensate for not having what I really want.

They lay together on the couch, whispering words of forgiveness and love, of hearts mending and futures. Every once in a while, they would bring their mouths together in a gentle crush of lips, not wanting to go faster than was necessary. They had as much time as they needed to relearn each other, wanting to enjoy the simple act of laying in the other's arms, basking in their love.

It was long after the sun had gone down that Nick extracted himself from Justin's arms. When the younger man protested, he simply winked and grinned, holding a finger up, indicating he would only be a moment. He walked back into the living room, resuming his earlier position, kissing Justin only for the reason that he could.

"We can go back any time now J." Nick informed him, resting his head on Justin's chest.

"Huh?" It seemed so sudden, Nick admitting he wanted to go back. "You want to go back?"

Nick lifted his head and rubbed Justin's nose with his own. "I don't want to, no. But we can. We can go back any time."

"That's pretty sudden, don't you think? One minute you're not wanting to go, now you are."

"I found what I came up here for. I came up for peace, so that I can be okay with everything, and I am. I don't want to go back, I mean, if I could, I'd stay here forever. But I know now that I can handle everything. I've got a reason to go back now."

"What's that reason?" Justin asked, feeling his heart racing.

"You." Justin looked lost and Nick chuckled. "I thought no one cared. I figured that no one would miss me if I was gone and that it wouldn't make a difference either way. But then you showed up and didn't leave. You wanted to be here, you didn't push and you ..." Nick's voice hitched and he took a moment to calm himself. "You want me. I matter to you."

"Of course you do. You matter to everyone Nick. You don't know how much everyone was freaking out when they couldn't find you. I mean damn, they phoned me looking for you. Voluntarily phoned me, and when they couldn't get a hold of me, they phoned Lance. Do you know how much Kevin hates Lance?" Nick nodded and Justin laughed. "So you know it was serious. And from what Lance said, they were worried. Really worried because apparently something about the way you were when they last saw you made them think about things. Lance hadn't given me any details because I don't think Kevin told him much, but they had gone back the next day to talk again and were worried when no one had seen or heard from you since the day before. They'd never seen you look the way you did and it opened their eyes. It made them realize just how out of control things had gotten."

Nick relaxed completely against Justin's body, allowing for the younger man to gently stroke his back. It was comforting and for the first time, Nick felt that everything was going to be okay. Even if he only had Justin by his side it would provide him with the strength he needed to face the rest of the world. "Thank you."

"For what Nick?"

"Still loving me." Nick saw the shock on Justin's face turn into a smile before their mouths met in a passionately long kiss. When they broke apart, he took a deep breath and opened his palm to show Justin what he'd been holding in his hands. Without speaking, Nick dialed a familiar number, waiting for the person on the other end to pick up. When they did, he felt the butterflies in his stomach.

"Kris? Hey, it's Nick."

"Where are you kid, they're going fucking nuts here." Nick chuckled at the response he'd gotten and knew immediately he'd made the right choice when thinking about who he wanted to call. He couldn't call any of the guys themselves because they'd be too mad for his disappearance act to listen to him. And he couldn't call Leigh because of the fact that she hated him more than life itself, so Kristin was the only person he knew he could call.

"Where are you?" He asked, silently praying that she wasn't anywhere near her husband.

"Don't worry sweetie, I'm at the spa. Now, where the fuck are ya and when you coming home?"

Nick mouthed 'Kris' to Justin, letting him know who he was talking to before answering. "At my cabin, not sure."

"Good enough for me. Everything okay?"

"Getting there."

"You and Justin finally working things out? God, that kid nearly fainted when he found out you were missing. I thought he was going to tear Kevin a new asshole and he hadn't even found out what happened, just knew that the Boys were the cause of it. He was always intuitive where you were concerned."

"Yeah, everything's great."

"Hey Kris," Justin said into the receiver. "Sorry about..."

"Tell him not to worry about it. He didn't say anything I haven't heard before."

Nick relayed the message, cocking a suspicious eyebrow at Justin who blushed. "So, just tell them I'm fine and I'll call them when we're back."

"No pressure sweetie. You come back when you're ready. You have no one to answer to but yourself. But know, they do love you. As big of assholes as they are most of the time, they're assholes because they love you."

They both chuckled and Nick said his goodbyes, telling Kristin that he'd call when he was coming home.

"What day is today?" Nick asked absentmindedly.

Justin smiled and checked his watch. "Friday."

"We'll go back Sunday. How does that sound?" Nick felt Justin kiss his throat, smiling against his skin.

"Whenever you want. I got what I wanted the minute you opened the door. The rest is up to you babe."

It was decided, they would go back on Sunday. He had two more days of solitude, of peace before he was thrown back to the wolves. But this time, he had a reason to continue on, he had a reason to go through it all and that reason was curled up against his side, body tangled with his own. Nick couldn't help but wonder if it was all for a greater purpose. His deciding to go solo and the guys abandoning him. His having to work for his successes on his own, realizing who he was and who he wanted to be, not to mention who he wanted by his side. It was amazing how all it took was his disappearance for truths to come out. For the guys to realize how much he meant to them, but for Justin to decide he wanted to fight for him, for them. Nick thought about it and was thankful for everything. He always believed that when one door closed, another door opened, and so many people had wasted time looking at the door that closed, that they failed to see what was happening right in front of them.

Looking at the man laying in his arms he only saw a door opening, a door that had been closed for far too long, one that he wasn't going to let shut ever again. Whatever else happened, happened.

Finis

home