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Title: Let Me Love You
Author: Jules
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG
Pairing: Lambs
My Stories:  Can be found here.
Disclaimer: Fiction for entertaiment purposes
Warning: Slash warning. Schmoop and fluff warning
Notes: Wanted to write porny lambs... didn't happen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Part of why he enjoys his life so much is because it is so unpredictable. He can't deny how good makes him feel to be on top of the world and behind the facade is the knowledge that no one really knows him at all. They, the they being the media and the fans, think they do, they all think they know him better than they know themselves. They think he's as straight and narrow as he pretends to be, but they would be shocked if he opened up, even just a little, for them to see who he really is under the glitter, glamour and the lights.

Justin doesn't think the world is ready for that just yet.

His 'thing' with Lance came as a surprise to everyone, especially himself. Justin had known since they first met that Lance was gay. He'd like to say it's because of Lance's clothes at the time, or his hair, or the way he carried himself but that wasn't it. He knew because Joey took him, JC and Chris aside and said, "I don't care if he's gay, he's fucking good and we need him. He's in." Justin remembers being shocked at that revelation, the thought that Lance might be anything other than straight hadn't even occurred to him. In retrospect, he realizes JC and Chris weren't as surprised, maybe he shouldn't have been either.

The three of them had just nodded, Lance was in. In a movement that was completely Lance's decision, but mostly at Lou's insistence, Lance stayed IN. Justin had been a little slow on hidden meanings and remained quiet for most of the private meeting that they had called, immediately after the one Lou had managed to fuck up by screaming and yelling at everyone and no one at the same time. From what Lance had told them he hadn't been 'in' for over a year but if it was what they all wanted, he'd usher himself back into that confining, constricting closet. No one wanted that but deep down they knew it might be for the best. Lance was the first person Justin consciously knew of that was gay. Justin spent a lot of time studying Lance, trying to find out what made him different than him. Justin hadn't come up with anything.

JC wouldn't tell and Justin wouldn't ask about his sexual preferences so that was to remain a well kept secret for the majority of their success. Of course, it took Justin walking into a room to see JC riding Tony enthusiastically for the truth to come to light. "Fuck, I knew it," was all Justin managed to squeak out as his eyes were transfixed on the sight of their slick, lean bodies moving sinuously together. He let out a tortured groan before finding his motor skills and walking back out the door he'd just entered, pausing to take one last glance at the bed.

He didn't fail to see how hot Tony was, buck naked with JC riding his cock. Not to mention how hot JC was, head thrown back and back arched in pleasure. It was then that Justin realized the reason he didn't see any differences between himself and Lance was because there weren't any.

Justin had long since learned that Joey would fuck anything that let him. Girls. Guys. Both together or separate. A hole was a hole just like a mouth was a mouth and whatever was readily handy worked just as fine with him. He had always been the firm believer that if it felt good, you should do it. You only live once and there was no point in denying yourself because of ignorance and misconceived notions of what was right and wrong. Justin knew there was a reason that he looked up to Joey as much as he did.

Chris was surprisingly straight. He was, and Justin assumed that every group had the token straight guy. He knew Backstreet had to have one, but couldn't for the life of him figure out who it was. He knew it wasn't Nick because by this point, they'd fucked on many occasions and there was no way Nick would have done half of the things he'd done with Justin if he was straight. Justin's cheeks always burned with lust whenever he thought about Nick and that tongue... mouth... ass... cock... Yeah, no way was Nick even close to straight. Nor was it Kevin who, Justin found out the hard way, sometimes could be found servicing or being serviced by JC. Again, Justin had to applaud JC's impeccable taste.

Howie should have immediately been taken out of the running because he screamed 'Flaming Queen' but sometimes the ones that were the most obvious weren't the ones at all. Not to mention that Justin wasn't sure if Brian's wife LET him be at least slightly bent so it could have been either of them. And, well AJ was known by men and women to be one of the hottest fucks in Orlando and probably all of Hollywood as well, so Justin knew it wasn't him.

Justin laid his money down on Howie being the straight one. He knew Nick too well and there was no way that Brian hadn't been hitting that ass every night in Europe. Nick had been any gay boy's dream and Justin knew exactly how easy Nick could be, so if Brian wasn't getting any then he felt that Brian deserved to be straight, if not for sheer stupidity.

His relationship with Britney was the best and worst PR move all wrapped up into one. Had they been just a little smarter, it would have worked out better, but Justin wasn't one to harp on the past. Spilled milk and all that shit. He was just glad that he managed to make it through slightly unscarred.

Physically anyways.

The emotional scars were most likely going to stay with him for years to come.

Granted, they had never really managed to get past all of the bullshit that came between them and he'd lost one of his best friends, but he rationalized it saying that if she loved him as much as she claimed, and they'd been as good friends as he'd thought they were, she wouldn't have done half of what she did to him and wouldn't have held him so accountable for actions she'd not only been aware of, but approved. The only thing Justin hates more than lying is hypocrites, and she'd been both. Justin really wishes he could go back and change so much, realize how it was going to end up and stop the train wreck before it happened, but sometimes you just can't go back and things happen for a reason.

Through it all, one voice, one face, one person had been a constant and Justin can't remember when he finally realized how much he loved him. But he's glad that he did because the small details aren't as important as the big picture which is that they are in love and it's everything Justin wants and needs in one beautiful package.

Lance is the air Justin breathes, the food he eats and the warmth he radiates, but mostly he's the reason Justin exists. Without him Justin can't possibly cope, can't bear to go on because without him in his life, Justin is nothing. It's intense and beautiful and scary all at once but if there's nothing that Justin learned about being with Britney is it's knowing a good thing when you've got it and letting them know you know, because you can't assume that you're on the same page, taking for granted that the other person knows exactly where you are, because sometimes they don't and you're left holding your heart in your hand except that it looks and feels like it's been through the blender on the pulse cycle.

It isn't anything they've discussed though but Justin has tried and Lance doesn't want to hear it. The more they talk about it, the more Lance is convinced it will jinx what they have and he's invested too much in their relationship to ruin it now, especially by talking about it. Because as sentimental as Justin is, as girlie and queer as he is, Lance pretends to NOT be that. Lance is detached emotions and assumptions that 'everything's cool'.

Except that he's not. He's love and forever and such a fucking girl that if Justin knew the real him, he'd probably keel over in either shock or laughter, Lance isn't sure which. The main issue at hand is that Lance is the epitome of everything he despises and if it's the last thing he does, he's not ever going to reveal his weakness. Justin fell in love with him the way he was before, jaded and bitter and strong and always in control. There was a period of time where Lance was one selfish, vengeful son of a bitch and that was the Lance that Justin seemed to fall in love with. Justin knew that side of Lance and still hung around, so Lance can't risk losing Justin by changing things now. He has to be the strong one, it's all he knows.

Except that what Lance doesn't realize is how much it's killing Justin inside. Every single day, wondering if today will be the day. Wondering when Lance will decide he doesn't need Justin anymore, like he didn't need anyone before him, and will throw him away like yesterday's garbage. Justin doesn't know how much he means to Lance, how he's Lance's world. So when he opens his mouth to tell Lance how much he loves him, nothing comes out. He has no words. He believes they have no consequence but at the same time no purpose.

Justin has lost all hope.

Lance will never truly be his. He believes this as truth.

It takes a fairy godmother in the form of Chris and Joey to set things on the right path. What they decide to do is ambush Lance. It's painfully obvious how much Lance feels for Justin and they have to convince Lance that despite the fact that he's afraid to love the kid, it's not the worst idea in the world to admit it. Therapy is key, but making the biggest mistake of his life won't solve anything. Lance needs to act soon before Justin moves on.

Lance fears he's too late.

Justin hasn't opened his mouth to say anything in the past two weeks. Lance used to watch him bite his tongue at least three times a day before, always swallowing those words back and although Justin never verbally followed through with the sentiment, Lance could feel it anyways. He knew each time Justin would open his mouth only to close it with painful deliberation, he loved him. Wanted to say how much he loved him and it sent a thrill up and down Lance's spine. Except it had been two weeks since Justin had done it and Lance feared it was too late.

That knowledge saddens Lance. Independence is important but so is Justin and after a bottle of tequila and a good, long cry Lance decides to take fate into his own hands. Chris and Joey's voices are still echoing in his ears and he knows the only way to shut them up is to prove them right.

He has to make Justin fall in love with him.

Again.

It starts off awkward but Justin feels his arms tingling with awareness. He can see the tremble of Lance's hands Nothing rattled Lance Bass, not the Lance Bass Justin knows anyways. As Justin stares into Lance's eyes he sees something different. Something reminiscent of years before. Something that reminds Justin of how and why he felt in love with him. This is his Lance, but not. Something has changed and Justin's heart begins to soar.

"I'm so sorry." Lance takes Justin's hand in his as Chris and Joey's voice echoing softer in his ears, painting him a bleak picture of his future. One without Justin. "I didn't realize..."

Justin's heart is in his throat, his pulse racing. He barely hears Lance confessing his secrets, emptying out his heart and soul. With each world out of Lance's mouth, Justin thanks God.

Thanks God for Lance.

Thanks God for giving him patience.

Thanks God for the opportunity he's been given.

Justin knows how fragile Lance's heart is, and still he's been presented with it. Justin has never felt so lucky or blessed in his entire life. No one has ever gotten this far into Lance's mind, body or soul. There has always been a very distinct line separating Lance with whomever he's dating at the time and sometimes Justin wondered if he'd be as unsuccessful like so many before him. Sometimes he'd wondered if it was worth it. Looking at the raw tenderness and love in Lance's eyes right at that moment, Justin knew it was all worth it. Every tear he'd cried, every insecurity he'd felt, every sliver of emotion was worth that exact moment hearing Lance tell him, "I love you Justin, love you more than anything or anyone in the world."

He doesn't care that they have to hide it from most of the world. Or that their own country won't, and maybe never will, recognize their basic right to get married. Or that they'd gone through so much to get where they are now.

None of that matters because Lance has told him he loves him and Justin knows it's true. It will be slow going, Lance learning how to let go and Justin learning to accept that everything he's wanted for so long is his. He doesn't have to bite his tongue when he wants to tell Lance he loves him, he doesn't have to worry about whether or not he should stay or go after they've both cum and are panting in post coital bliss, and he doesn't have to wonder if everything he's doing is for naught. Because now he knows.

Lance loves him.

Nothing else matters.

Finis


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