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Life Changes
by Jules

The Months Prior | The Night Of | The Months Post

The Months Post

Telling Justin everything that had been going through his mind the previous eight months had been both the easiest and hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life. The minute the younger man had walked in the door and dropped off his bag he'd looked at Nick laying on the couch and noticed something was different. There was something in the air that hadn't been there when he'd left on Friday. Nervously, Nick sat up and turned to look at his best friend, a scared smile on his face. "You tired? Or you want to go for a walk?"

Justin had just been about to say he was going to hit the sack, but taking into account the greenish tinge that had covered Nick's face, he simply nodded and tossed his bag on his bed. He knew his best friend like the back of his hand, and it was clear that Nick was finally ready to talk about what was bothering him. "I'm good. Christy drove today so I could walk. Where's Kev?"

Kevin had decided to go and see Josh, knowing that the two younger men would want to talk and Nick had asked that he not be there for it. He wanted it so it could be him and Justin, but he hadn't planned on having the apartment feel so confining, so the idea to go for a walk had felt like a good idea. Ten minutes later they were exiting the front doors, an awkward silence between them.

It was then that Nick gradually confessed everything of the past eight months to his best friend. His confusion, his frustrations, and his epiphany. How with one person, Kevin, everything he'd ever been taught, everything he'd ever felt was put into question and he hadn't been the same since. He'd tried to ignore it but it was stronger than him. He'd tried to change it, force himself to stay in love with Britney, but it didn't work. And the harder he tried to fight it, the stronger it got until finally he had to just put everything out of his head and focus on him. He had to focus on what he was feeling, how that affected him and what it meant was all he'd been thinking about. It came down to the issue of him being bisexual and attracted to Kevin. No matter how hard he tried to ignore the facts, that was what they pointed to.

Justin hadn't said a word through the whole confession, his facial expressions changing from shock to confusion to understanding and back again until Nick had stopped talking and was watching him with frightened eyes. "You were afraid to tell me all of this? Because you thought I wouldn't approve?" Justin asked, mildly offended. He didn't want to react harshly when he was still trying to process everything. He knew that his reaction to Nick's revelation would be imperative for their future friendship. He also didn't want Nick to misinterpret his feelings on the subject, so he remained guarded until he knew exactly what he was feeling.

"No, that's not it at all J. I didn't think you were going to be mad or disapprove."

"Then why didn't you come to me? Why couldn't you talk to me about this?"

Nick sighed and pulled Justin close. "Because I had no idea what was going on. I didn't come to you because I had no idea what to say or how to say it. It's a matter of me not wanting to say something when it all turned out to be nothing."

"But, I could have helped you. You could have told me how scared you were and I could..."

"No, you couldn't have. Nothing anyone would have said to me could have made it easier. It was something I needed to figure out on my own without anyone's help. And I know you would have been trying to help, but it would have been just one more pressure that I couldn't handle. I needed to assess how I was feeling on my own terms, without any outside convincing of anything. I can't have you upset at me about this, please." Nick's voice was pleading, his eyes full of emotion.

"Who knows?"

Nick winced, knowing that this was going to hurt Justin. "Well... Kevin, Josh and Britney." Just as he'd suspected, Justin's jaw dropped and a mask of hurt covered his face. He had to act quickly before he lost the younger man's attention completely. "Kevin and I went to a gay bar Friday night. He... well he's the reason for everything and I just wanted to see something, to test it. He mentioned that there was this place he wanted to go but had no one to go with him and before I could stop myself, I offered to go. While we were there we ran into Josh and he assumed that Kevin and I were together and that he knew all along that I wasn't straight. Then he assumed that Kevin had told me about his feelings for me..."

"Kevin has feelings for you?" Justin asked, surprised. He hadn't seen that coming, not that he'd anticipated anything Nick had been telling him.

"Yes. And he assumed we'd both said something and ... I didn't tell him. Kevin, of course I told because ...." Justin nodded, understanding. "And Brit, well she's suspected since Kevin moved in and so when we got home from the bar last night I phoned her. I couldn't have her finding out from someone other than me. And you, well I wanted to tell you face to face, so that's why I didn't phone you last night."

Once the main issues had been resolved and Nick successfully convinced Justin that it wasn't a conspiracy against him, they had been able to fully talk about everything that had been going on with Nick the past few months. Justin was able to ask him questions and Nick would answer the ones that he could. The only obstacles now would be Nick's parents and getting over some of the lingering apprehensions about being in a relationship with a man, something he had no experience with.

When they returned to their place, Justin went straight to bed indicating that he would talk to Nick the next day. Nick waited up until he couldn't keep his eyes open. He headed to bed, leaving his bedroom door open with the hopes that Kevin would take the hint that he wanted him to join him. It was after two when the bed dipped under the weight of a second person. Nick woke to fingers gently stroking his scalp and butterfly kisses on his neck. "Nick? Wake up.."

"You came in, I wasn't sure if you would."

"The door was open so I figured you'd left it for me to see." Without opening his eyes, Nick nodded and allowed for Kevin to spoon in behind him. "How did it go?"

"Good. He's a bit hurt but understands why I kept everything from him."

"So he's not going to kick my ass for stealing you away from him?" Kevin was genuinely worried about how Justin would react to his and Nick's new relationship. He was aware of how close the two men were and didn't want to come between that. Thankfully Nick shook his head.

"No. You didn't steal me away from him. You can't. He's my brother, we're always going to be tight."

And that was something else that Kevin was going to have to deal with, Nick's close relationship with Justin. He knew it was totally platonic, as Justin was impossibly straight, but they had a bond shared between them that Kevin couldn't even come close to. Nick's eyes opened and he turned his head so that they were staring into each other's eyes. It was as if the blonde knew what he was thinking about because he kissed his nose and smiled.

"Don't worry Kev, it's going to be all right." And with that, they fell asleep, curled up in each other's arms.

Nick's parents had been a little more difficult to tell. Justin agreed to be there with Nick and Kevin, suggesting that maybe Britney be there too. They decided to have a dinner party at their place, inviting the Carters so that everything could be out in the open. It wasn't without tears from both Nick's mother and Britney and a look of disappointment on Nick's father's face that he never thought he would see, at least not directed towards himself anyways. Surprisingly, there was no blame laid on Kevin, which was what all four of them were expecting. The Carter's were fully aware that Nick was able to make his own decisions and if he'd come to the conclusion that he was bisexual and wanted to be in a relationship with Kevin, they would have to respect that. Jane had been slightly unnerved that her son and Kevin had been 'dating' as they had said, for two months at this point and nothing had been said about it before then, but when Nick had insisted that the right time hadn't come up until that point, she quieted down.

"And you're sure Nickolas? This isn't just a passing phase?" Her eyes darted to Kevin and she flashed him an apologetic smile, as if to say she meant to disrespect, it was just a question she had to ask.

Nick didn't have to think twice about his answer. "Yes mother, I'm certain. I have been for some time now, it was just a matter of being comfortable with myself enough to admit it out loud."

"Well son," Nick's father said as they were leaving. "I can't say that I saw this coming. But despite everything, I still love you and I'm still proud of the man you've become." He then turned to Kevin who visibly flinched, a good move because it caused for a giant smile to cross the man's face, "and you Kevin. Treat him well, or else."

"Yes sir, of course."

Nick drove Britney home and by the time he returned, Justin had gone to Christina's. Kevin was laying on the couch, watching some cooking show. Nick slipped into a pair of jogging pants and sat on the end of the couch. Two months had passed and there were still times where Nick was hesitant to initiate contact with Kevin. Their eyes met and Kevin grinned, motioning for Nick to lay down on him. "Are you sorry you told them?" Kevin asked, enjoying the feel of Nick on top of him, their bodies fitting together perfectly.

"No, of course not. I mean, whether or not this works out forever, it's made me realize that I'm not 100 percent straight, and they deserve to know." He kissed Kevin long and hard until they were both gasping for air before continuing. "But that's not going to be an issue, because we are going to be forever, so it's time they realize that you're going to be a permanent fixture in my life, as more than my roommate."

Kevin cupped Nick's cheek in his hand and felt a multitude of emotions surround him. He couldn't see anything except Nick, couldn't feel anything except how his heart would swell when he was near. "Nick... can I tell you something? Honestly?"

Nick nodded, feeling a sense of panic fill him. Kevin's face had gotten considerably more serious than it was and he could feel the older man tense up. "Please..." They hadn't gone further than heavy petting, over and under clothing. Kevin had jerked Nick off, Nick had dry humped Kevin and they'd done a lot of necking and touching, but it hadn't gotten to sex. Nick still wasn't completely ready and he knew how frustrated Kevin was getting with it. Or at least Nick figured that Kevin was getting frustrated, he must be after going so long without having actual sex. He had a feeling that Kevin was going to tell him to either put out or he was going to leave him for someone who would, and Nick wasn't sure if he was ready for that, even if it meant giving Kevin up. He swallowed thickly and tried not to panic.

"I ... I know it's only been two months, but I've had these feelings for so much longer than that. Since I walked in and saw how beautiful you are. And then I got to know you and realized that your beauty isn't just skin deep, but it's how you are, inside too. And I've been doing a lot of thinking...."

Nick couldn't take anymore and had to say what was on his mind, interrupting Kevin. "I'm still not ready Kev, I'm sorry. I know I've been a tease, but I can't do it. Not yet, even if it means you're going to leave me."

Kevin stopped talking, stunned. "Pardon?"

Nick got off of Kevin and slid to the floor, sitting with his legs crossed and looking up at Kevin. He wrapped his arms around his torso, hugging himself in consolation. "I'm not ready to sleep with you. God, I was with Brit for like ever before we finally had sex. And I know that I'm almost ready, but I don't want to rush it. And you're going to tell me that it's been great but you need sex..." Kevin's laughter broke Nick out of his thoughts. "What?"

"You thought I was breaking up with you because you won't sleep with me?" Nick nodded and Kevin's face softened as he slid down to the floor beside him. He unwrapped Nick's arms and wrapped them around his waist, pulling Nick onto his lap. "Oh baby, I'm not breaking up with you.

"You're not?" Nick asked. Kevin leaned in to press their mouths together, initiating a soulful kiss.

"No. I was going to tell you that I love you. I'm in love with you."

Nothing could have surprised Nick more than that, and the colour drained from his face. "You do?" His voice was barely a whisper.

"I do. And you don't have to say anything back. If it's too soon for you that's fine, but I just needed you to know how I feel. I love you Nickolas Carter."

Relief washed over Nick instantaneously and he felt light headed. He wanted so badly to say the words back, to tell Kevin that his love wasn't unrequited, but he couldn't. He couldn't get them past his lips and so instead, he kissed the older man with all of the pent up passion he could find. He'd said 'I love you' to Britney and now he wasn't going to be so frivolous with the words. He did love her when he'd said it, and still loved her now, but it wasn't the type of love that he'd thought it was. And he didn't want to say it just to say it, he wanted to feel it with all of his being. "Thank you Kevin. That means a lot to me. One day I'll be able to say it back...."

Kevin placed his finger over Nick's lips to silence him. "I understand baby. I didn't say it to hear it, I said it because it's how I feel."

"Well thank you," Nick said softly before kissing Kevin again. With each day they were together, each kiss shared he felt more and more of his reserve drop away. In all honesty, Nick had assumed that once he'd told Kevin how he felt and they got together, he would have been ready and accepting of his new lifestyle. He wasn't expecting it to be a gradual process, something that his whole mind, body and spirit would have to come to terms with. But Nick was fortunate that he had someone as patient and special as Kevin who made it easy for him. He wasn't demanding or pressuring. He allowed Nick to work at his own pace, coming to him only when he was ready.

Nick had never felt so clichÈ in his life, the whole thing making him want to gag. When Kevin had told him he would 'just know when he was ready for more', Nick had thought he was crazy. He didn't think it happened that way, where one minute you weren't ready to have sex and the next you were, but that's how it happened. And not just on any day, but on their six month anniversary. He woke up alone in bed, only to find that Kevin had already gone out for the day. They were planning on having a special romantic dinner that night at the apartment. Kevin was cooking and Justin had suggested that he stay at Christina's.

In the beginning when Nick had told Justin about his and Kevin's relationship, he'd thought it was going to be weird between the three of them. That Justin would feel like a third wheel and he wouldn't be as accepting as he'd initially said he was. But thankfully, Nick had been wrong and there had been no problems at all. They were respectful of Justin's rights, and he was respectful of theirs, and quite honestly, not all that much changed. It was just sounds of Nick and Kevin coming from either of their rooms, not Nick and Britney and Kevin and Josh.

Nick laid in bed thinking about the day ahead and he had a vision of him and Kevin together, making love in the older man's bed, between satin sheets with soft music playing and scented candles lit throughout the room. It was in that exact moment he realized he was ready. He wanted to make love to Kevin, be made love to by Kevin, and most importantly, he wanted to tell the older man that he loved him. That night would be the night.

"Nicky? You up?" Justin's voice sounded through his door bringing him fully into waking consciousness.

"Yeah, come in J."

Justin peeked in and Nick motioned for him to join him on the bed. "You got something on under there?" He chuckled when Nick pulled back the sheet to expose him in boxers. They were Kevin's boxers, but boxers none the less. "Can we talk?"

Nick nodded and sat up, making himself more comfortable. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing, I just ... we haven't talked in a while. I've been busy with Chris and you've been busy with Kevin and it feels like we haven't talked in a long time."

Nick let out a cleansing breath and felt his stomach flip a few times. It was exactly what he needed right then, his best friend to talk to. As ready as he was to tell Kevin he loved him and wanted to make love to him, he needed to get it off of his chest. To just share it with someone, and he wanted nothing more than to share it with Justin. He listened to Justin talk about his relationship with Christina and how serious things were getting. How when Nick and Britney broke up it made him really think about his relationship with Christina and where it was going and what he realized was that there was never going to be anyone else for him. How he knew now more than ever that he wanted to spend his whole life with her and was going to propose to her. Soon.

Nick's jaw dropped and he knew he'd never been more happy for his best friend. They talked about how scared Justin was, where he wanted to get the ring and what he was planning to do when he proposed. "Is there anything I can do J?" He pulled his best friend into his arms and held him close, enjoying the comfortable contact between them.

"Just be here for me. When I freak out, when I think I'm going to go crazy."

"Always J. You know that." They talked a bit longer about Justin's proposal until the younger man asked him what was going on with him. It was then that he confessed his morning's self revelation.

"You love him? Like.. LOVE?"

Nick nodded, biting his lip nervously. He couldn't figure out why Justin didn't seem surprised.

"Duh! I could see that months ago. Shit, the night you told me about the two of you. You haven't told him have you?"

"No."

"Oh Nicky, he knows. Everyone knows." It was Justin's turn to comfort his best friend.

"And I'm finally ready to sleep with him. God, I'm so damned scared, but I know I shouldn't be."

"Of course you should be. Shit Nicky, this isn't like sex with Brit. This is something completely different, but a good different. For you anyways." They both started laughing and Nick punched Justin's arm lightly. "Seriously though, tell him what you're thinking and feeling. Don't pretend to be something you're not. If you're scared, tell him. He'll be good to you. He always is."

They spent the entire morning in Nick's bed talking, catching up on everything they'd been neglecting to talk about due to busy schedules. It was after lunch when Justin left for the library. He was going to do some studying then go straight to Christina's afterwards.

The plan was to cook dinner together, eat and then play the rest of the night by ear. They had agreed on no presents, pinkie swearing so that neither would renege on the promise. It wasn't about gifts, but their relationship and feelings for each other. By the time Kevin returned home, Nick had the whole apartment clean and ready for their romantic evening together. He'd gotten the good dishes out of hiding, set the dining room up for a special occasion and even managed to change the sheets on Kevin's bed from the flannel ones that had previously been on there to new satin ones he'd bought that day. Now it was just a matter of getting through dinner and being able to go through with his plan.

The night passed by in a romantic haze and when Nick realized that it was time for his portion of the night he became nervous suddenly. "Kev?"

"...and I rented a few movies. We can make some popcorn, curl up on the couch and watch them."


"Kev?" Nick tried again, wanting Kevin's full attention. It was sweet that Kevin hadn't expected anything except dinner and a night curled up on the couch with a movie. It made him want to make love to him all the more. Green eyes fixed on his and he smiled. "I don't want to watch a movie."

Kevin's face fell. "Oh." He looked around the room and shrugged. "Then what do you want to do?"

Nick approached his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling his head down for a sweet yet erotic kiss. When he pulled away just enough so that their lips were brushing against each other he said "I want you to make love to me."

The expression on Kevin's face was priceless and Nick couldn't help but chuckle. "Huh?"

"I want you to make love to me," Nick repeated, kissing Kevin again. He backed them up towards Kevin's bedroom and led them towards the bed. While Kevin watched him with wide eyes, Nick turned the sheets back to reveal the new linen. He then lit the candles scattered around the room and turned on the CD player. Kevin still hadn't moved so Nick returned to stand in front of him. "I love you Kevin. I love you so much, and I've wanted to say it for a while now but I couldn't. The first time you told me you love me was four months ago. And for four months you haven't let a day go by without reminding me that you love me, and I woke up this morning and realized it's time I tell you how I feel. And I love you."

Kevin blinked, unable to believe this was all happening. The candles cast Nick in a glowing light and he felt his stomach flip at the sight. "Are you sure?"

"More than anything. I'm scared as hell Kevin, I won't lie about that, but it's time. I want you."

Everything began to process in Kevin's brain and he couldn't help but giggle. "You know Nick, you hate clichÈ!"

Nick rolled his eyes and shook his head, knowing Kevin was right. "I know, and that's the irony here. I hate that it took me our six month anniversary to realize I love you and want to be with you, sexually. It's like people who lose their virginity on prom night just to say they lost it then. So fucking clichÈ."

"I love you baby, and I love that you're clichÈ," Kevin whispered, kissing Nick deeply. He could feel the younger man trembling and realized how nervous he was. It took only seconds for Kevin's mind to take him back to his first sexual experience with a man and he understood exactly what Nick was going through. He vowed not to make it bad for Nick, he wanted the blonde to have every experience he himself never had, the satisfaction of being with someone you loved the first time.

Nick tried to focus on everything that was happening. Every emotion he felt, every sensation that Kevin evoked and every detail of their first time. He was working on sensory overload and for the most part, he couldn't focus on anything long enough to make a long, lasting memory. Kevin felt too good against him, the words were too sweet, whispered into his ear and Kevin seemed to know exactly every button to push to bring him immediately to the precipice of oblivion. The pain was like nothing he'd ever known in his life and there were a few moments where he wasn't sure he'd made the right decision. He wasn't ready and didn't think he ever would be ready for anything that hurt THAT much. But with whispered promises that it would all feel better in a minute, Nick put complete faith and trust in Kevin and allowed for him to continue.

Kevin had never lied to him before that night, and it was when Nick was filled with the man he loved so desperately, that he realized his track record was impeccable. Kevin knew how to touch him to make the pain seem less threatening, and he knew exactly what to say to make him forget any sexual experience he'd had up until his point.

It wasn't long before Nick was crying out in desperation, needing his release. Kevin's pleas were mirroring his own and eventually they both climaxed fiercely, bodies writhing and moving in an erotic mass of limbs, slick with sweat and heaving for oxygen.

Nick had never felt anything like what he did the exact moment Kevin pulled out of his body, and he wondered if he would ever find it again, or if Kevin had felt it too. "Wow."

Laughter resonated in the room and almost instantly Nick had an armful of Kevin. He ran his fingers through sweat soaked hair as Kevin's head rested on his chest. "Wow is right."

"Is it always like that?" Nick asked, unable to vocalize his feelings at the moment. He was slightly overwhelmed with emotion.

"When it's with the right person." Kevin raised his head and looked into Nick's eyes. Their mouths came together in a gentle kiss before Kevin lowered his head again. Kevin's hand moved to slide into Nick's, allowing for their fingers to twist together comfortably. "Do you regret it?"

Nick pulled Kevin up so that they were laying face to face. He was stroking the older man's cheek lovingly and smiled. "Of course not Kev. It was amazing."

It was by far the most romantic and beautiful night he'd ever had in his life, beating out his first night with Britney for the top spot. He hadn't expected to feel so much afterwards, not only in regards to his relationship with Kevin, but about himself. He was different than he had been just this morning, he'd known what it felt like to allow someone inside of his body, to trust them enough with something that special, sacred. When Kevin wrapped his arms around his body and held him close, Nick felt dangerously close to crying, unable to direct his emotions elsewhere. But what meant the most was that Kevin was there with him, letting him know it was normal to feel what he was feeling. It was intense, and not to be taken lightly.

Kevin wouldn't have gone through with it if he thought they weren't ready for this stage in their relationship, Nick was glad they had.

It had been a year not without confusion and soul searching. With one answer to an ad placed for a roommate, Nick's entire life had changed. Everything he had previously known and believed had been put into question. With just one look, one chance meeting Nick had been shown that his life was not yet complete and it would take a man, this man, to show him true happiness. True love.

He hadn't meant for any of it to happen, but sometimes you can't help where life takes you, and for Nick, life was taking him on a wild ride of self exploration. He loved Britney, still loved her but learned that love could take on many different forms and that things were not always black and white. It was possible to go twenty three years without waking up true desire, true reflection on one's soul, and despite the truths he'd learned about himself so far, he was certain that there was more. As he looked down at his sleeping lover, focusing on the expanse of flesh on flesh, pale, ivory skin against bronze, and feeling his pulse skip a beat, he came to realize that there, in that bed, in that moment, he couldn't even begin to understand what life's greater plan was for him. What he had seen, what he had experienced up until his point was just a preamble to what was still to come. Nick couldn't wait to see what was in store for him, but he knew that as long as he had people in his life that loved him unconditionally, he was ready for what was to come.

Finis.

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