Author: Jules
Pairing: FrickFrack, TimberNick (sort of.. it’s strange)
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG 13 
Disclaimer: Fiction for entertainment purposes.  Not really real.
Warning: Angst warning. Slash warning.  Bigroupal warning.
Notes:  I’m in a particularly angsty mood lately.  Have been thinking a lot about the past and it’s coming out in a lot of my one parters.
Dedication:  To Rhonda.  Just because.  Schwing!!!  I'm not worthy!!

~~~~~~~~

Love The One You're With
by Jules

Every time he sees his face he wants to cry.  Cry for the friendship that was lost and for a love that never was.  Brian was certain he knew what he was doing, that he had it all figured out.  At least he’d thought that at the time.  In life you had to make decisions, choices that would shape the rest of your life.  And Brian had always thought he’d been a rational man.  He thought things through to the point of exhaustion, feeling that no rock had been unturned, no possibility disregarded.   Every single option was weighed countless times and when he came to a decision, it was the most sensible and proper decision that could have been reached.

Brian was wrong.

He’d misjudged his life, his love but most of all his powers of reasoning.  The minute he met Nick Carter his life changed.  On every possible level.  He joined a group which was to become one of the most successful vocal harmony groups on the market.  They broke records upon records and paved the way for other pop acts in what had previously been a grunge monopolized industry.  But Brian thought he’d been on top of things from the beginning.  He knew what he wanted and how to get it, because it was the same thing he’d wanted since he was a little boy. 

A wife.

A family.

Two point five children playing in the picket white fenced yard with the puppies while he and his loving wife drank iced tea and held hands watching.

Nick Carter changed all of that.

It wasn’t love at first sight.  Not by a long shot.  Brian was older, Nick was still a child.  Brian had a girlfriend, Nick thought girls were gross.  Something Brian had thought Nick would grow out of, little did he know it wasn’t a phase for the blonde child.  They became best friends immediately, Nick looking at Brian with almost a hero worship, and Brian enjoying the attention.  Until this point, he’d always been the youngest, the one vying for attention, so to have someone do that to him felt great.  Not to mention that Nick was still at that age where he could goof off and it be funny, something that Brian had still yet to grow out of.  So it was a match made in heaven.  It would be years later that Brian realized the predicament he’d gotten himself into.

They were frick and frack, nicknames that still plagued him to this very day.  He figures that at age twenty eight he’d have outgrown them.  But he hasn’t which makes sense because really, if he thinks about it without getting all nostalgic and mopey, turning into depression and just a little anger, he hasn’t outgrown Nick.  No matter how hard he’s tried.  Or moreso, no matter how hard SHE’S tried.  Nick went to Brian with any problem, just as Brian did the same.  He was the first person Nick had come out to, curled under a blanket with a pillow over his head so that Brian couldn’t see how red his cheeks were.  How embarrassed he was and moreso how frightened he was that his best friend would hate him.  Nick was gay.  Well bi ‘sorta since he did sleep with women and kinda enjoyed it once in a while’.  But for all intensive purposes, Nick was gay.  He’d come out to Brian needing someone to tell his secret to, needing his best friend’s comforting shoulder and wise words to tell him that ‘no, he wasn’t going to hell’ and ‘yes, it’s normal’.  Nick was sixteen and found himself eyeing Kevin hungrily when they were changing in the dressing rooms.  Or watching AJ hump the stage and wishing it was him underneath.  Nick always was the horniest of them, especially at sixteen when his hormones were going completely crazy.

The thought of his best friend being gay hadn’t bothered Brian at all.  Yes he was religious, but not to the point of ignorance.  He believed in love, and whatever form that love took it was still love.  So he told Nick that, trying not to enjoy the feel of their bodies pressed together underneath the hotel blankets, Nick curled up in his arms holding on to him for dear life.  Nick’s confession was bittersweet in a number of ways.  He was honoured that Nick would tell him first, that he was the only person to know this secret.  It showed Brian that Nick trusted him as much as he trusted the blonde.  It solidified the bond that the two of them had.  But on the other hand, it put Brian in an awkward position.  It forced him to face the feelings he’d been hiding for a few months now.  Feelings he’d been slowly realizing were progressing past friendship to …something more. 

Brian was attracted to Nick as well. 

Something that just wasn’t possible.

Brian was supposed to get married.  To a woman.  They were going to have a big Kentucky wedding with every member of their family and friends in attendance.  They were going to have the beautiful ceremony and reception, only for Brian and his wife to leave for their honeymoon and return two weeks later relaxed and ready to start a family.  Their first child would not be far off, followed by the second, third and however many other children they were going to have.  It was all planned out, Brian had the blueprints.

Falling for his best friend was not part of the plan.

The thing that had been good for Brian was that Nick didn’t seem all that interested in him, sexually speaking.  So Brian could ignore Nick’s confession and what that could possibly mean for him.  Them.  Never once did he entertain that thought that Nick was simply doing the same thing, repressing feelings that he thought could never amount to anything.  It all worked perfectly until Brian walked in on Nick in bed.  With Justin.  Timberlake.  Who appeared, by the way Nick was balls deep inside of him, was gay too.  Or at least bi.

Brian was devastated.  Knowing Nick was gay and KNOWING it were two different things.  And now, after embarrassed confessions that he hadn’t asked for but were given anyways, Brian was informed that Nick and Justin were together.  Sorta.  He thought it was the worst idea he’d ever heard and told the two ‘children’ that.  Justin’s eyes narrowed and he looked at Nick, dismissing Brian completely.

“You said he was cool with this.”

Nick flashed Brian a look of disbelief, which turned into apology as he faced Justin.  “I thought he was.  I guess I was wrong.”

That was when the rift first started between them.  Brian had reacted TOO harshly, TOO forcefully in an attempt to hide his true feelings.  He thought that appearing indifferent to the whole issue would be beneficial to everyone involved.  No one would find out that he was dying inside that it was Justin and not him, that everything he’d ever wanted was in jeapordy because of the beautiful angel that was only supposed to be his best friend.  Indifference turned into rage and he’d yelled and screamed, throwing insults and worst case scenarios at them.  His brilliant plan had been sidetracked because he let his emotions get the best of him.  In being afraid, he’d pushed away the best friend he had ever had, one love he just couldn’t have.

It had taken hours of apologizing for Nick to forgive him, but even then Brian had felt there was distance between them.  A distance that only grew as the years went on.  Brian had found his trophy wife.  And she was just that, a trophy wife.  Beautiful, petite, older without being geriatric and refined.  Everything he wasn’t, but what she molded him to be.  Little by little she started changing him.  Starting with his clothing, his extra curricular activities, all the way to his friends.  Brian always wondered if she knew something she wasn’t letting on, because although she had something vile to say about each of the guys, Nick always seemed to bear the brunt of it.  He was the one that had suffered the most at her doing.

Brian knows he should have stopped it, but he thought it was for the best.  They wanted different things, were different people and he couldn’t live the life Nick was.  He couldn’t do things without fear of consequence like the blonde could.  He needed order in his life, rules.  He lived by a strict code of conduct, and partying every night, drinking and drugging with countless girls and guys was not part of that code.  There was too much riding on him to screw up his life like that.

It didn’t matter that the ‘happier’ Brian was, the more miserable he got.  The further he’d fallen into a depression and the more ties he was cutting.  It had gotten to a point where he never left his bus or hotel room unless there was something specific he had to be out for, and the specifics were rehearsal, show or interview.  All of his time was spent with Leighanne, because he was happy with her.  He loved her.  They were the perfect couple.  Anything other than their sheltered lives would be temptation, and Brian was supposed to avoid temptation.  Temptation only brought out punishment and misery.  Brian wasn’t sure he wanted to be more miserable than he already was.  But then again, he wasn’t sure if it was possible either.

The break was the best idea he’d heard in months.  Years.  Being on a break meant that he wouldn’t have to be on the road.  With Nick.  It would be easier to get over him if they weren’t together all the time.  If he didn’t have to see him every day, a constant reminder of everything he could have had but didn’t.  And yes, five years later his attraction for the blonde was still strong.  Stronger than ever.  Which drove the knife in deeper because he’d not only lost any possibility at love with the blonde, but the friendship had been demolished as well.  That was what hurt Brian the most, that he’d taken something so precious, so beautiful and ruined it.  Because he was scared.

A baby cries and Brian sighs, walking towards the bassinette.  His son looks up at him with trusting eyes and he smiles, feeling love surging through his body.  All thoughts of Nick are forgotten for the time it takes for Brian to pick Baylee up and curl him against his chest.  They walk towards the rocking chair and Brian sits down, soothing the crying baby.  Nothing seems to work though, Baylee only crying harder.  Louder.  Fiercer.  As though he knows something is wrong but can’t tell what it is.  Brian feels the urge to join his son.  His wife is out of town for a few days, visiting family.  A trip that Brian hadn’t necessarily wanted to take.  Not that she’d asked him to join her.  She didn’t, and he didn’t mind.  He grabs the remote control and hits play, the CD starting on the previously programmed song.  Closing his eyes, Brian leans back and continues to rock the now calm child in his arms.  It only took two lyrics of the song to calm Baylee down.  Brian knows it means something but refuses to think about it.   It’s become a natural reaction these days, ignoring what he doesn’t want to have to deal with.

Instead, he focuses on the positive, because if he doesn’t, he thinks he’ll go crazy.

He knows he will. 

Where the song playing has quieted Baylee’s tears, it has caused them for Brian.  Memories assaulting him vividly, thoughts of what could have been plaguing him. 

Who needs the world when I’ve got  you.  Switched off the sun, the stars and the moon.  I’ve all I need inside of this room, who needs the world when I’ve got you…

Without thinking he picks up the phone and dials the number that he’s neglected to call for far too long.  He doesn’t know what he’ll say when they pick up, or even if they want to hear from him at all, but he has to try.  He can’t live the rest of his life not explaining himself or his actions in years prior.  If he confesses his reasoning for doing what he’s done, maybe Nick will understand.  Maybe Nick will begin to forgive him so he can forgive himself.  Maybe things will turn out the way they were supposed to.

The phone rings once.  Twice.  Three times before someone picks up.  Nick’s voice comes across the line, breathy and enough to elicit goose bumps all over Brian’s body.  Baylee giggles in his arms and he locks eyes with his son, wondering if he’s doing the right thing.  “Hello?”  Nick’s voice asks again.  Brian realizes he hasn’t spoken.  Just as he’s about to say something another voice can be heard.

“Babe?  Who is it?”

Brian’s voice froze in his throat, his pulse was racing and he felt the sandwich he’d eaten earlier churn in his stomach.   Brian could just see Nick checking his caller ID to see who was breathing heavily in his ear.  “It’s me…  Bri..”

“Brian?”  Nick sounded genuinely surprised and a little worried that he’d be calling him.  Brian didn’t blame him at all.  “What’s up?  Everything okay?”

This was the deciding moment.  What he said now could very well shape the future of their friendship.  Brian felt fear seize him and he closed his eyes in frustration.  He couldn’t do it.  “Everything’s fine man… I must have hit the wrong number on speed dial.  I was looking for Aje.”

“Oh.”  Brian thought he heard a note of disappointment in Nick’s voice and wanted to kick himself for being such an idiot.  All he had to do was say the word and they would be on the road to forgiveness.  To a possible rebuilt friendship.  But he didn’t.  “Ummm.”

“Nick, what’s wrong?  Is Brian okay?”

Brian held his breath waiting to hear what Nick would say to the other person, cringing at the jealousy coursing through his body.

“Yeah, wrong number.  He’d meant to call Aje.”

“Well then come back to bed baby, I wasn’t done with you yet…”

“God  Jus, you’re so bad….”

Brian hears giggling, as well as the sound of kissing through the phone and knows for sure he is going to lose his lunch.   With the phone in hand, he stands up to put Baylee back into his crib and heads towards the washroom, tears blurring his vision.  When they’re done, Nick is back on the line.  “Well, okay.  Sorry to have bothered you Nick.  Gotta go.”  Brian disconnects the call just as he’s throwing up in the toilet, his body wracked with sobs.

He’s lost his chance forever.

In the back of his mind he knew that Justin and Nick were together.  After years of playing the on again off again game, they’d realized that if they just admitted to each other how they felt, things would be easier.  But somehow he’d thought that if he admitted to Nick how he’d always loved him, it would change things.  Now he’s not so sure.  Nick was happier than he’d ever been, loved Justin more than life itself.   And Brian had no right to step in and mess with that.  So instead, he vowed to live in the life he’d created for himself.  Despite doing what he knew would make him happy, he had to live to make Nick happy.  And if staying away meant that, that was what he would do, no matter how much it killed him inside.

Little did Brian know, one sentence was all it would have taken.  One sentence that contained the right words, said at just the right time, Nick would have been his completely.  Forever.  Always.  Now, he belonged to another.