Memories

Title:Memories
Author:Jules - mailto:slash_me_baby@yahoo.com
Part:1/1 (Sequel to Moving On)
Pairing:Nick/Chris
Rating:PG (for language).
Disclaimer: I am not making any assumptions on their sexual preferences and I mean them no harm. This is purely fiction.
Warning:Slash Warning. Bi-groupal warning. Angst warning. Jerky Justin warning
For:Danielle and Fie who suggested a second part! And the rest of you Chris/Nick luvahs...
Memories
by Jules
Justin had just broken up with his boyfriend. Again. Well not again as he and THIS one had broken up again, it was their first. But Justin had again broken up with a boyfriend and Chris watched him mope around the spacious studio they'd practically moved into. They were recording their follow up to Celebrity, wanting to get the sound just right and Chris' eyes followed him from chair to chair, looking for sympathy. Sympathy that he shouldn't have for the younger man, but Chris couldn't help but feel bad for him. He looked miserable. The way his lower lip would stick out just so, in a pout that shouldn't be as sexy as it was seeing that he was trying to appear sad and forlorn, not sex kittenish. Shaking his head Chris rid himself of those thoughts and wondered how he and Justin had lasted so long. Three years they'd been together exclusively, Justin's longest relationship by far. Since him, Justin had barely topped the three week mark, usually the men getting sick and tired of his egotistic, self centredness.
As he watched Justin, he remembered how he himself must have looked after their breakup. Which lead him to remember how Justin had treated him. And that eliminated any sympathy he might have been able to muster up for him, rather enjoying the pained look in those blue eyes he used to love so much. Chris didn't think that another CD would be possible for the group, being in such close quarters with Justin too painful. And to record and tour, he would have to be with him a whole hell of a lot of the time. He didn't want that. But now, a year and a half after their breakup, here they were. Recording again. Planning a world tour. One person, and one person alone was responsible for that. Nick Carter.
Chris smiled as he thought of the blonde man, his eyes fluttering shut and a sigh escaping his lips. They'd been together 8 months. 8 of the most intense and wonderful months of his life. Granted it was slow starting, neither of them wanting to get too serious too soon. Nick was certain that Justin was still too fresh in Chris' heart, and although he never said it, Chris was afraid of the same thing. But the more time they spent together, the less they were able to fight the attraction and realized that slow was just not possible for either of them. And although Justin didn't know the real reason things became less tense between him and Chris, Chris knew that Nick was the main factor behind it. Before Chris and Justin had gotten together romantically and eventually sexually, they had been best friends and both men admitted that they'd missed that bond. Nick was able to heal Chris' heart enough to begin mending that broken bond of friendship. The only thing that Chris found funny about the whole situation was that Justin never questioned any of it. Didn't find it weird that after 10 months of not speaking to one another, of Chris staying as far away from him as he could, that he would call him one afternoon to shoot hoops. It showed Chris yet again who was most important in Justin's life. Himself.
"Hey Chris... What are you smiling like that for?" Justin pouted, curling next to him on the couch.
"Nothing Jup. Just thinking about something."
"Or someone." JC teased, wiggling his eyebrows.
Chris blushed and suddenly Justin was sitting straight up, his body rigid. "Shut up C. I'm not thinking about anyone.. Just... Chocolate. Yeah, I'm thinking about how much chocolate I'd love right now."
"Chocolate? That's his nickname now?" JC joked further, laughing at Chris' embarrassment. "Now.. I'd have thought that your nickname would be chocolate, not his."
"Fuck you Josh.." Chris said, barely noticing the look of pure shock on Justin's face.
"Who the hell are you two talking about?" Justin asked, turning to face Chris.

Looking at the expression on Justin's face, Chris felt a rush of goose bumps cover his arms. Although he and Nick hadn't kept their relationship a secret, he wasn't absolutely sure that Justin knew about it. "What do you mean who?" JC asked, the laughter dying on his lips. "Where the fuck have you been Jus?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Nothing Justin. It's nothing. JC's just being an ass." Chris sighed, standing up. He so didn't want to get into this with him. Not here and not now. Especially when they had a whole night of recording left to do. Lance was in the booth at the moment, doing his parts to one track and at any minute they'd all be brought back in to check it one last time.
"No. I don't think it's nothing." Justin continued, looking from JC to Chris, his face neutral.
"Well. For those of us not wrapped entirely up in our own lives ..." JC paused as Justin gave him the finger and continued. "Chris has been seeing Nick for about...."
Chris watched as JC mentally counted in his head how long he'd been seeing Nick. "8 months." He supplied softly, not raising his eyes to meet Justin's.
"Thank you. Chris has been seeing Nick for 8 months now."
The look on Justin's face said it all. Well it said it all and nothing at all both at the same time. Chris could see how shocked his ex-lover was, but couldn't read much after that. He'd closed down and was just looking at Chris blankly and that frightened him more than anything. He'd expected something, but this was not it.
"Carter?" Justin asked, as if it were the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.
"Yeah fucking Carter." JC said rolling his eyes. Chris could see how impatient he was with Justin and mentally thanked him for being there for this moment. He had been dreading the thought of being there when Justin found out about him and Nick, and was thankful that he didn't have to do it alone.
"Nick Carter. Backstreet Boy Nick Carter." Justin wasn't exactly talking to anyone now, just looking off into space and thinking. Chris didn't realize he was holding his breath until he couldn't breathe, sucking in a mouthful of air to his burning lungs. His eyes locked with JC's and he watched the other man shrug. When Justin turned to face him, their eyes locking, Chris jumped slightly.
"Well now that's a big fucking step down."
Chris couldn't help his jaw from dropping as he watched the man who used to be his whole world stand up and shake his head as he walked towards the door.
He didn't know what hurt most. The fact that Justin had looked at him with utter disgust when he found out that he was seeing Nick. Or the fact that he cared and actually felt a twinge of embarrassment and shame at Justin finding out he was with someone. With Nick. Tears began to build up under his eye lids and he heard JC stand up, probably making his way over to the couch where Chris sat immobile. Shaking his head, Chris put up a hand in protest. He didn't want anyone to talk to him. To touch him. He was in a really bad place right now and had no idea where he was supposed to go from there.
With one fucking sentence ...8 god damned, mother fucking words Justin had broken through 8 months of work Chris had put into working past his feelings for him. Because he wasn't so sure that in that moment, if Justin had made some sort of move, given him a sign that he missed him, he would have turned him down. And that shouldn't have even been an issue. He was with Nick. Loved Nick. Was happier with Nick than he had ever deluded himself he was with Justin. But still, the memory of what used to be haunted him. And Chris didn't know what to do about that.
"He knows." Chris whispered into his phone, curled as deep under his covers as he could get without suffocating himself.
"Who knows baby?" Nick asked, not missing his boyfriend's voice cracking. This was bad. This was very bad. And they were on opposite ends of the world, both trying to salvage careers that the media had already deemed was in the trash.
Chris sighed, willing the tears to stop, not wanting to start crying while on the phone with Nick. But as soon as he'd heard his lover's voice the guilt overwhelmed him and he couldn't hold back.
"Justin. He knows. C was teasing me today because I was thinking about you and had this big fucking grin on my face ...and Justin was crying because his boyfriend dumped him and was wondering what we were talking about and C told him that we'd been dating for 8 months and ....he fucking..."
Nick paused, listening to Chris try and muffle his sobs. "What did he do Chris? What did he say?"

"He didn't do anything. He just kept saying your name over and over again, like he couldn't believe it. Why couldn't he believe it? Am I not good enough for you?"
Nick couldn't help but chuckle at Chris' question. "No baby. He probably was wondering what the hell you were doing with a dumb fuck like me!"
"Dumb fuck? No. Unbelievably hot fuck? Damn right!" Chris joked, the tears slowing down. It really was amazing how Nick could always calm him down when he got upset, when he lost focus on things around him.
"Well you know. I aim to please."
"And that fine Carter ass is very pleasing if I do say so myself."
"Just the ass? From what I can remember, you like the fine Carter...."
"Yeah yeah. I mention it a few times..."
"A few? Oh Nick.. Want me to suck that for you? Oh Nick, you taste so good.. I could blow you all day every day... You're so fucking hard.. And big... And thick... So hot..." Nick mimicked Chris, smiling as he heard his lover relax on the other end of the line.
Chris began to laugh, settling in more comfortably in his hotel bed, picturing Nick doing the same on his end. He let out a long tired sigh and closed his eyes, wondering how he was going to get through until they could leave for home again. He didn't even want to think about the tour just yet.
"What did he say baby?" Chris felt his stomach clench at Nick's gentle prodding and didn't want to tell him. Couldn't even say the words, knowing that it would hurt him.
"It doesn't matter."
"It does if you were this upset."
"He said..." Chris paused. "He said 'Well now that's a big fucking step down.' He waited for Nick's reaction, straining his ear when he got none. "Nick?"
"Do you believe him? Is that what you think? I'm a step down from what you had with him?" Chris' blood ran cold and he bolted up. Instead of Nick's voice being angry it was soft and hurt.
"Of course not."
"Are you sure? I know how much you loved him and how hard it was for you to get over him."
Chris' throat was constricting and he suddenly felt trapped by the blankets which were holding him securely in the bed. Kicking them off he began to panic. "Of course I don't believe him. Oh god, Nick. I love you. You know I love you."
"Well then don't worry about him. What he thinks about us shouldn't matter." And as much as what Nick had said was true, it wasn't. It shouldn't matter, and Chris knew it was Justin being jealous. But it did matter. He had been Chris' best friend for so long. His lover for almost as long. And as much as Chris had gotten over him, Justin would still have this little piece of his heart.
"It doesn't matter. You're right." Both men knew it was a lie, although neither dared to say it out loud.
"You know that I want you to be happy. That I'll do anything for you to make you happy right?" Nick said making Chris' skin crawl. There was something in his tone that Chris didn't like but he couldn't put his finger on it.
"Of course."
"Okay. Are you okay now?"
Chris thought about it. Talking to Nick, as unsettling as it had been had put him more at ease than he had been all day. Just hearing his voice calmed him considerably, reminded him of how much he loved the blonde. "I'm amazing Nick."
"Yes you are."
"Are you okay?" Chris had to be sure. Nick was always so worried about him, so considerate and Chris wanted to make sure that he was fine.

"Do you love me?" It was four words and Chris didn't even have to think about it. The answer so blatantly clear.
"More than life."
"Then I've never been better."
They spoke for a short while longer until Chris couldn't keep his eyes open. He allowed himself to fall into a dreamless sleep as Nick sang to him, wondering how he got so lucky and hoping he didn't fuck things up royally.
The next day brought forth weirdness in large quantities. As they'd all expected, Justin had made a full recovery from his broken heart and was back to his usual self, joking and laughing with everyone. The only thing that was different was that he paid much more attention to Chris. It was like the way things were before they'd gotten together so long ago and although he was on edge all morning, waiting for the other shoe to drop, by the time lunch rolled around he'd decided to thank the gods for his best friend back and roll with it. With Justin's new energized self and Chris' relief that things were going to be okay, they managed to get a lot of work done on the CD, laying down a few more tracks. Granted, he and Justin were never in the same room alone together and for that Chris was grateful. Being this close to the younger man was reminding him of why they'd gotten together in the first place. Gone was the self centred, egotistical Diva they were used to, but they were graced with a more caring and sensitive Justin, listening to their ideas and agreeing that a few of the tracks should be done a different way.
At one point, Justin had gone to the bathroom and once he was out of earshot, Lance spoke up. "What the fuck happened to Justin?"
Joey shrugged and JC and Chris looked at one another.
"Clearly you both know, so spill it and how do we get him to stay like this?" Joey said, popping his coke can open.
"Well, he was Diva Justin yesterday until I told him that Chris and Nick Carter have been dating for 8 months and then today ..." JC waved his hands towards the door, indicating the change in the youngest member.
Lance and Joey nodded their heads and smiled, flashing each other knowing looks. As if that explained everything. Chris had no idea what the looks meant, or what the smiles meant, and he would have asked if the ex-Diva in question hadn't chosen that exact minute to rejoin them, bringing snacks for everyone. Chris eyed the extra chocolates and candies that Justin had put on his lap, picking all of his favourites from the machine.
They were all the ones that he and Justin would snack on in the early days, pooling their money together and sharing them, thus doubling their stash. The more they giggled and sat together conspiratorially, the more Chris was reminded of how good things had been between them, and by the end of the day, he'd almost forgotten where things went wrong. This was certainly not the same Justin he'd been the whole time they were dating, it was like two different people, and he had to admit just how much he liked this new/old Justin.
"What are you doing tonight?" Justin questioned as they all made their way back to the hotel.
"Nick and I are gonna have a PS2 match tonight. Him there, me here and we're gonna play on the phone." Chris cringed at the expression that filled Justin's eyes and wished he hadn't said that. He should have just said nothing. But then it wasn't as if Justin had anything to be upset about. He'd made it clear a year and a half ago when he'd walked out.
"Oh. Well I guess I'll just go to my room and watch a movie alone. No one seems to want to hang out with me anymore.." Justin let his sentence trail off and hung his head down in sorrow, shuffling his feet towards the elevator.
It was against his better judgment and Chris' little inner voice told him that it was a ploy. That Justin always got what he wanted, but Justin's pouty smile was stronger and Chris found himself calling him back. "Well. I don't have to call him for about an hour.. So I could watch with you for a while."
One eye opened and Chris peeked through, wondering why the walls were that colour. His walls weren't that colour yesterday, so why were they like that today? Turning over, he felt his arm come in contact with something very heavy. And alive. His bed didn't have that person in it yesterday, so who the fuck was there with him? The other eye opened and Chris couldn't control the gasp that escaped his lips. "Holy fuck." He whispered, instantly covering his mouth so as not to wake them up.
He shut his eyes and counted to 10. He knew that would put him in his own room and alone. Opening his

eyes, Chris felt his stomach lurch and thought he was going to pass out. Immediately he threw back the covers, praying to God that he wasn't naked. Taking one look at his lower body, Chris smiled up at the ceiling and vowed that he owed Him one, letting his stomach stop churning for a few minutes. Thankfully Justin hadn't woken up, and his heavy sleeping habits was a grace that morning, allowing for Chris to slip out from the sheets and escape to his own room. Just as he shut the door he turned around, facing a not so impressed looking JC.
"C!" Chris whisper yelped, losing about 10 years off his life.
"Christopher."
Oooh. Chris hated that tone. And he'd used his whole name. Only Nick usually used his whole name and that was when they were having sex, or at least when Nick was being coy. And JC sure as hell wasn't Nick, they weren't having sex and being coy looked as if it was the last thing on JC's mind.
"I can explain."
"You don't have to. I'm not the one you profess to love."
With that Chris watched JC walk down the hall and those words hurt him more than anything his friend could have said. JC could have called him anything, could have screamed and yelled until his was hoarse, but with that disappointment in his eyes, the pity in his voice, Chris felt worse than he ever had in his whole life.
Once he got back to his suite, Chris took a shower, hoping it would ease the confusion from his mind. He couldn't deny how good it felt to wake up with Justin that morning, their bodies molded together as they'd done so many times before. The warmth and protection that the younger man had given him, making him feel loved and secure. In his panic, Chris had afforded himself a moment to actually look at Justin and mornings past rushed back to him at an alarming speed. Mornings after nights spent making love, bodies entwined to perfection. Nothing but sweat and cum to bind them together, holding them like glue as if it were meant to be that way.
So many nights after Justin had left him did Chris think about just that, waking up with him again. Being there in Justin's bed, the first thing he saw in the morning and the last thing he'd seen the night before. Wishing that once again, he'd be in his lover's arms. But now that he'd gotten that wish, Chris couldn't understand why it felt so bittersweet. It felt so empty. When he'd dried himself off, Chris made his way to the phone, calling in to check his messages. There were two. He nearly tripped over the game controller as he sat down, his forgotten PS2 date brought urgently back to his attention.
"Hey baby. It's 10:15... I'm warming up... Where are you? Give me a call.. I'm ready to kick your ass."
That familiar sense of panic crept up on Chris, nearly choking him. He closed his eyes and pictured Nick leaving him the message, blonde hair messy atop his head, blue eyes dancing with excitement, the reflection of the TV visible, and his lips, curled into a focused smirk. Chris forced himself to swallow, the taste of panic fresh in his mouth.
"Well I guess you're busy with something more important. It's after midnight and I'm gonna go to bed. I hope you had a good night tonight baby. I miss you and love you. Call me."
The tears started falling at the resignation in Nick's voice. He wasn't even sure if the blonde realized how upset he sounded. It was a tone that he himself used many times when Justin had blown him off for something else, someone else, and now he'd reduced Nick to that tone. This feeling replaced the shitty one that JC had given him, bringing him to a whole new low.
He knew he should call Nick, but suddenly couldn't bear to talk to anyone. He crawled to the bed, only rising a few hours later when Joey was beating down his door, saying that if he didn't get his ass out there and soon, they were going to come in and get him, making him sorry. It was too bad that Joey didn't know that Chris couldn't be any sorrier and it would have just been a waste of time. But instead, he got up and pulled a sweater on that matched his tearaways. He threw a ball cap on and grabbed the bag with his wallet, cell and other important things. He made sure he slipped on a pair of sunglasses so no one would see his crying. But in the van, he was sure that Justin could see right through them. It was if he knew the pain Chris was feeling and was doing everything in his power to make him laugh. Just like old times.
It would have been funny if it wasn't so pathetic actually, Justin trying to cheer him up. Chris sat back and let himself be entertained by things he didn't particularly find funny anymore but Justin wouldn't have known that so he kept going. And as he groaned at yet another one of Justin's stupid jokes, Chris realized that the entire time they were dating, Justin had never tried this hard. Never made this much of an effort. Life was fucking hilarious some times and Chris couldn't help but grin and bear it. When he would have died for this attention, for any attention from Justin, the younger man wasn't capable of giving it. But now that it was too late and Chris had thought he'd moved on, Justin was like a one man attention show, showering Chris mercilessly. If he hadn't been so desperate for some sort of normalcy, Chris would have shut Justin up, told

him to leave him the fuck alone. But it was like old times, even Joey, Lance and JC getting into it. And Chris couldn't help but be taken back to a time when things were so much simpler.
It was nearly 11 when they got back to the hotel and Chris knew he should call Nick. He needed to hear his voice, make sure that his lover knew how much he loved him and apologize for the night before. But he couldn't. For some reason he felt that the longer he put it off, the less guilty he'd feel. It didn't matter that with every breath all day, he'd thought of the blonde, wishing he could see him, wanting to touch him. At least just hear his voice. But now that he was alone in his hotel room, he just wanted to be out. Doing something. Anything. The shrill ringing of the phone pierced through the silent room and Chris picked up his cell, seeing Nick's name. He closed his eyes and willed his pulse to stop racing. It wasn't until the ringing stopped that he breathed waiting for the message alert tone to sound. When it did, Chris sighed and set his phone on the table. With his room key in hand he walked towards the door and down the hall to the one that he'd woken up in just that morning. Knocking he heard Justin call for him to hold on a second.
"Wanna play some ball?" Chris asked when the door opened.
"I thought...." He started and Chris knew what he thought. Chris knew that he should be on the phone with Nick, but with one smile from Justin, Chris' mind took him back to the boy he'd fell in love with. That smile that shone so bright and blinded him for so long.
"You don't wanna play? That's fine. I'll play myself." He knew that Justin wouldn't turn it down. And by the time he had made it to the elevator, Justin was right behind him. With the ball.
"You're gonna need a ball... So I figured I'd come too. So I can make sure you don't fuck it up."
"Whatever."
He woke up the next morning feeling shittier than ever. But he was in his own room. Alone. So that more than made up for it. He had come back from the gym in the hotel to 3 messages all from Nick, each sounding more desperate than before. He wondered why it was that he was being such a prick. Before his thoughts could get too far he heard a knock on his door and sat up, wondering who it could be. The mystery was solved as soon as he opened the door and found Justin there, a bag of Micky D's in one hand, Burger King in the other.
"The ultimate Breakfast Taste Test." Justin smiled, thrusting both bags in front of Chris' face. He couldn't help but smile, memories of them so long ago flooding his mind. He'd always been a big fan of McDonalds' breakfast while Justin swore by Burger King. Every once in a while, one would sneak out early in the morning and go get both, and they'd have a breakfast taste test to see which was better. It was stupid and silly, but it was fun and kept them sane after eating day in and day out of boring hotel food and catered shit. Sometimes they just needed good old fashioned junk, greasy, clogging up your arteries food. And seeing Justin that morning, a ray of sunshine couldn't help but lift Chris' spirits, pushing his troubles further back into his mind.
Chris was a master at believing what he wanted. Hell, he'd done it for 3 years, what was a few more days right? And it wasn't like he was hurting Nick intentionally, they were both busy. But why the hell did he feel so guilty? And JC's looks of pure rage wasn't helping things.
"Selfish fuck." He'd muttered as Chris had passed him in the hall. Stopping to watch JC's retreating back, Chris wasn't sure exactly who his friend was talking about. Justin or him.
He hadn't heard Nick's voice for three days. It was the longest they'd gone without talking ...ever. Well ever starting 8 months earlier. But it was a fucking long time and he was dying. Granted, this new found attention from Justin was great. It was everything that he'd always wanted but was never given, but it was lacking something. Chris just didn't know what. He could feel Justin's eyes on him constantly and after a while it started to get creepy. But when he'd look at him, Justin would just smile and wink, like he'd always done. Like they did when they were younger and sharing secrets that no one else got.
But this time Chris didn't get it either. And that unnerved him.
They'd gone out for dinner after they left the studio. Chris and Justin. Just Chris and Justin. Lance and Joey had plans to go to some club and Josh didn't want to be anywhere near Chris. He seemed to have no problem with Justin for once, it was Chris he couldn't be in the same room with. And for a moment, Chris wondered if that was a sign. The moment he felt Justin's arm on his shoulder the thought was gone and he'd followed him to the car they'd had waiting for them.
"Wanna come in and watch a movie?" Chris asked, not noticing anything different in his room.
"Ummm. Yeah. For a bit man. I'm beat." Justin replied, heading into the common room of the suite.
Now Chris' first clue that someone was there should have been the white sneakers not belonging to him, that

he tripped over. It could have even been the fact that the TV was already on before they'd stepped into the room. But it wasn't until he'd heard Justin gasp and saw the person slouched on the couch that he'd realized they weren't alone.
"Nick." He whispered, hand covering his mouth. Everything around him disappeared and Chris couldn't seem to take his eyes off of Nick's blue eyes. Nick's blue eyes that were filled with confusion and pain. Hurt. And he'd put it there.
And with that one glimpse into Nick's soul, Chris realized that everything he'd felt in the previous three days was nothing. Nothing now compared to the knowledge that he was more of a bastard than Justin ever was. Because he knew what *this* felt like, and he'd still done it to Nick.
"Chris." It was one word and Chris didn't think he'd ever hated his name as much as he did hearing it come from Nick's mouth like that. With a resignation and a ring of defeat that rocked Chris to the bone.
"I should..." Justin said and Chris knew the next word out of his mouth was going to be 'go', but for some reason also knew that he had no intentions of leaving. Justin was funny that way. He turned to look at Justin and was almost shocked to see the smug smile on his face. It made Chris want to throw up. Just looking at Justin smile, as if he'd won some contest that no one else knew they were competing in, brought back a whole new round of memories. Unlike the others, this was while he and Justin were still together and Justin again had conned Chris into letting him have his way. Knowing he could use his charms and sexuality to get him what he wanted. Just looking at Justin now, in that room watching the pain that both he and Nick were going through reminded him of what his 'best friend' truly was. Heartless. Selfish. And a whole shit load of other things that Chris didn't have time to categorize at the moment.
"Go? Please do." No one was more surprised than Chris, as he looked squarely at Justin and suggested that he get out. He watched the shock on Justin's face turn to disbelief and then rage when the younger man realized that he was serious.
"What? You want me to fucking leave?"
"Now."
"But ...what has this week been?" Justin's face went white and Chris realized that this was probably the first time the Diva hadn't gotten his own way. He had no idea if things were salvageable with Nick, but this was something he had to do for himself. Shut the door to that part of his life.
"This week has been ...." Chris thought about that question, wondering what exactly the week had been. "A good reminder of where things went wrong and why I moved on. All the good times we've had this week... That was nothing but remnants of a whole lifetime ago. And I'm not the kid I used to be."
"But we were good together.. Haven't we had fun this week?" Chris didn't think he'd ever seen Justin beg before and couldn't lie and say he didn't hope he'd never get to see it again.
Shaking his head, Chris pointed towards the door. "Justin I think you should leave."
He knew it couldn't be that easy, but he felt his body relax as Justin sighed and walked towards the door. It wasn't until he'd opened it and looked back that Chris saw the Justin he knew. The one he'd seen on far too many occasions. His lips were curled in a smug smile, his eyebrow cocked and nose in the air. "You'll be back Chris. I know it, you know it and your boyfriend over there knows it. I'll always be in your heart and soul." Chris got a clear vision of the last time Justin walked through a door and out of his life and that memory was clearest with him.
With a laugh, Chris surprised both men watching him closely. "That's where you're wrong Jup. I won't be back. Never was. You may have had me before, but those are just memories now of a life I used to live. A person I used to be. My heart isn't mine to give anymore, and you aren't worthy of even glimpsing my soul. Now lock the door on your way out."
The door closed and he was alone with Nick. And he felt like shit. He was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. Nick hadn't moved, in fact he'd only moved his thumb to hit the mute on the convertor, and he was simply staring at Chris as if waiting for something.
"You're here?" Chris whispered, not sure whether to approach Nick or not. He knew how bad this must look and couldn't even begin to start explaining.
"We had a PS2 date." Nick's voice was soft. Childlike. It broke Chris' heart. "And then you didn't call me back and I got worried. Spent the whole next day with my cell on and an extra battery in case it died. And you still didn't call."
"I'm sorry."

"AJ said I was being a fucking pussy, bawling over some bitch who's still hung up on his ex." Chris flinched at Nick's words, knowing how protective AJ was over him. "But you said you loved me. Didn't even fucking hesitate, so I knew something was wrong. Told Aje to get off my ass about it. About you." Chris saw Nick's face lift, and their eyes locked. It was strange looking into those blue eyes, because they were the same colour as Justin's, but different. More breathtaking. More beautiful. Chris could see so much in those eyes. Them getting older. Them spending Christmases and birthdays and anniversaries together. He saw his heart and soul in those blue eyes and it warmed him. He slowly walked towards the couch, sitting down next to Nick who was watching him silently.
"I...." Chris had never in his life been at a loss for words like he was now. Sorry didn't even seem to come close to what he was.
"And then I got mad. Mad because I deserve better than this shit. But so do you. Fuck. I knew that this was going to happen. As soon as he found out you were happy and it wasn't with him, he'd try something. And I was so afraid that you'd buy into it.. That you'd forget how beautiful YOU are and how special YOU are. That it's not always about what he wants, no matter how much he convinces you of that. But I realized that if he's what you wanted, I had to let you go."
Chris knew Nick was deep. Although others thought of him as the stupid blonde kid he'd grown up as, Chris knew the truth. But he'd never in the 8 months they'd been together seen him like this. So helpless.. Desperate.
"What did you decide?" He was holding his breath, afraid of the answer.
"That I'd come here and give you something to think about." Chris shivered with the first touch of Nick's lips to his, the memory of the first time the younger man had said that to him. Nick barely gave him time to react before his hand was behind Chris' head, angling their mouths together as they'd done so many times before. Chris melted into Nick's touch, into his embrace and felt a flash behind his eyes.
He could see them kissing, touching, laughing together. A feeling of calm and happiness settled over him and for once, Chris realized that as he thought of the good times, they were not tainted with bad memories to compare them to. He had more good times with Nick in the past 8 months, than he did in 3 years of a relationship with Justin, not to mention the friendship they'd had before. Whereas with Justin, each memory had a negative to weigh against the positive, with Nick it was just happiness. No fear. No loneliness. No tears. Just the two of them.
As Chris let out a small moan, Nick took that opportunity to lick at his lips, begging for silent entry. Gladly, Chris opened his mouth wider sucking Nick's tongue into his mouth. He ran his fingers through the blonde spikes he'd missed so much, and pressed into the arms that gave him security and safety. The kiss broke and Chris felt dizzy, unsure of which way was up or down. He curled up into Nick's lap, not wanting to meet his eyes and see anything but the love he was imagining there. It was as if Nick could sense his inner turmoil. "Look at me."
Chris shook his head in Nick's chest, refusing to obey. He couldn't take it.
"Christopher. Look at me." Damn that voice. The way his name rolled off Nick's tongue like honey. It was all he could do not to start crying. Hesitantly, he lifted his chin until his brown eyes met Nick's blue ones. The look of love and compassion shocked him. "I love you."
"Nothing happened." Chris felt the need to clarify that. He needed Nick to know that nothing had happened with him and Justin.
"You don't think I know that?"
"Huh?"
"I could see it in the look on your face when you saw me sitting here. I knew that your initial reaction would tell me what I needed to know."
"What did you see?"
"Love. It was like Justin didn't even exist and all that was left was the two of us."
"There were all these memories. Like old times, when things were good." Chris admitted, his hand finding Nick's, threading their fingers together.
"What was different?" Chris felt Nick shift under him, and suddenly they were laying on the couch. He was curled tightly against Nick's body, on top of him. His face was pressed in the hollow of Nick's neck and he couldn't help but inhale the scent that was pure Nick. A scent he'd missed far too much.

As Chris thought about the past few days there was something he'd failed to notice. "You. You were different." And it was true. Whenever Justin would do something to make Chris laugh, he'd always think of Nick, and how Nick would react. Or what Nick would do. When Justin would smile or laugh, Chris would simply think that Nick's laugh was much deeper, his smile more beautiful. Chris had spent the past couple of days comparing Justin to Nick, realizing that although Justin had meant everything to him before, that part of him was gone.
It wasn't who he was now. Nor was it what he wanted.
"I want you. That's what's different now from how it used to be. You've taught me that I deserve more. I deserve the best, and I've got the best right here." Chris leaned down, kissing Nick's lips softly. He felt Nick smile into the kiss and couldn't hold back a smile of his own. The kiss broke and Chris lay his head on Nick's chest, content in listening to his heart beat steadily.
Chris knew that they should be making more of this time together since Nick had to return to his own recording the next day, but couldn't bear to move. Just laying there in Nick's arms had filled him with an inner peace he hadn't found since they'd come out to New York record. He'd long since heard Nick's breathing level out and knew that his lover was sleeping. Shifting slowly, so as not to wake him up, Chris propped his chin on his hands, resting them on Nick's chest. It was there that he spent the night watching his lover sleep, knowing that it was these quiet moments that made some of the best memories. One by one he was collecting them, filing them away for the times he needed them most. He may have a past full of memories with someone he wasn't sure ever really loved him, but he had a future ahead to make memories with the person he'd love forever.
Finis