< Never Say Never

Chapter 19

"I'll meet you in the rec. room, Alex, I've got to get something from my room," Nick called down the hall. Group had been rather interesting that day and Nick left the spacious room with an odd sense of distress lingering. There was something in the air and he had a feeling that all hell was about to break loose. Of course, Nick didn't realize it would involve him until it was too late. "You gonna go with him, or with me?" He asked Justin who was standing in the door, deciding what he wanted to do.

Justin hadn't put on a sweater that morning, and thought he would go to his room to get a hoodie before heading back to watch some TV before lunch. Just as he was about to speak, someone else answered for him.

"Actually, you're both going to come with us for a moment." Kevin announced, causing for both men to stop in their tracks.

Justin flashed Nick a look of pure panic, seeing it mirrored in his boyfriend's eyes.

"Wh..what's wrong?" Nick asked, feeling his body tremble with anxiety. He had no idea why Kevin was demanding their company in his office, but judging from the expression on his face, it wasn't good news.

"We will discuss it in the confines of my office." He didn't leave any room for argument, simply walking down the hall with the expectation that Nick and Justin would follow. They did. Josh was waiting for them when he arrived.

"Dr. Richardson, I got your page. What's the matter?"

Kevin nodded towards his office. "Inside, we'll discuss it in there."

Josh saw the panicked looks on Nick and Justin's faces and felt his stomach drop. This did not look as though it was going to be pretty. In a matter of minutes, they were all in Kevin's spacious office, Justin and Nick sitting side by side in chairs while Kevin sat behind his desk, Josh perched on the windowsill.

"Now, does one of you want to tell me why you've been keeping secrets from me?"

Nick and Justin turned to look at each other, unsure of WHICH secrets Kevin were referring to. The last thing they wanted to do was admit to something and find out that wasn't what Kevin had been talking about. They both focused their attention onto Kevin and shrugged. Justin fiddled with the bracelet that they had put on his wrist upon arriving at Three Oaks, realizing for the first time its significance. No matter how blurred the lines were, he had to fight to remember that he was a patient there, Kevin and Josh were doctors and they were in charge. They held his fate in their hands.

When neither man spoke up, Kevin shook his head and sighed. He would have to be more direct. "So Justin, when exactly did you first start talking?"

Josh's eyes nearly bugged out and he slipped off of the window sill. The noise caught everyone's attention and he blushed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, you caught me off guard."

"Control yourself Joshua. This isn't a joking matter."

At no point did Josh even entertain the thought that it was.

Kevin turned, focusing his attention back on Justin, waiting for his answer. "Well?"

Justin closed his eyes and shook his head. He didn't know how Kevin could have possibly known he was talking. Eight months had passed since that day and no one had said a word about it. Lance surely wouldn't have told Kevin, and Nick would have died before revealing his secret. It didn't make sense.

Kevin turned to Nick. "Okay, since he refuses to answer, I want you to tell me. When did Justin first start talking?"

It was Nick's turn for silence. Even if he wanted to talk, he couldn't. He simply sat in the chair, staring at Kevin helplessly.

With each passing minute of silence, Kevin's rage grew. He stood up abruptly, startling all three men who were watching him closely. "Did you really think no one was going to find out? Did you honestly believe you would be able to hide this from me?"

Justin kind of did, seeing they had for eight months and no one had found out until now. But he failed to voice that thought, figuring that Kevin wouldn't appreciate it as much as he would have hoped.

"I know everything that goes on in this hospital. I know you two think you've been hiding your relationship from me, and although you're good, I'm better."

"If you've known, why haven't you put a stop to it?" Nick asked, voice sullen. Justin turned to look at the blonde, watching in horror as the life slowly drained out of him. It was as if Nick was reverting to the shell of a man he'd been before arriving at Three Oaks and there was nothing he could do to stop him. Justin felt his gut start to knot, the bile rising in his throat. He grabbed onto Nick's hand, thankful that the blonde didn't try to avoid the contact. Their eyes met and Justin brought Nick's hand to his mouth, kissing the skin softly.

"Because I honestly believed that your relationship was helping you both more than hurting you. I've watched the two of you overcome every obstacle you were facing coming in here. You've both progressed so wonderfully that I was at a point, wondering why you were both still here. You proved to me that my initial opinion of interpatient relationships were wrong and that it could be done."

"But?" Nick asked, waiting for what he knew was eventually going to come.

"But then I find out that you've been hiding things from me, important things that are detrimental to your recovery and you show me that all along, I was right. You can't handle the aspects of a relationship inside these walls. You don't realize it but you concealing this is only going to hurt you both in the long run, Justin more than you, Nick. This isn't a game and I can not believe how insubordinate you both are. How long were you going to continue this for? Lying to me, lying to everyone around you?"

Again, silence covered the room and Kevin pounded his fist on his desk in disgust. At no point had either admitted that Justin had indeed been talking again. Kevin was taking a big risk in believing hearsay from another patient, approaching the two men in question before validating the claims against them. Clearly, they weren't going to talk while together, so Kevin was going to have to separate them. As harsh as it seemed, he was only looking out for their best interests.

"Justin, you are to go to your room with Josh. You will see no one, contact no one. I need to speak to Nick alone, and when I'm ready to deal with you, I'll be by to collect you."

Justin was dismissed and he followed Josh down the hall, affording one last glance at Nick before the door shut in his face.

Once they were alone, Kevin stared at the blonde. He was trying to decide what approach to take in trying to explain to Nick how important this situation was. Finally, he settled on the truth. "I know you probably don't trust me right now, hell, you probably outright hate me, but you have to know how much I care for you both. How worried I am for you that you're not seeing the big picture."

Nick crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to listen.

"How long Nick? Please, just tell me."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Ella came to me after group this morning and asked what would happen if Justin started talking again. I said he would go back home, but was surprised that she was, after all this time, inquiring about Justin's case. She said that she didn't know why Justin was still here if he's talking again. I of course asked her to clarify and she claims she heard Justin talking. To you. Late one night in the TV room. I said that it was probably the television but she said that the TV was off and you two were sitting by the window, whispering to one another."

Nick closed his eyes, the night in question clear in his mind. They thought that everyone else had been long since sleeping and both pretended they couldn't sleep so they'd gone to the rec. room to play cards. Nick had wanted to stay in one of their rooms but Justin whined that he'd wanted to get out of his room and they'd be safe. Apparently, not safe enough. For a moment, Nick hated Ella with every fiber of his being. Had she just kept her mouth shut, or gone to them before going straight to Kevin this all could have been avoided.

"Don't blame her Nick," Kevin spoke, voicing Nick's thoughts. "She thought she was doing the right thing. In fact, when she realized that I had no clue as to what she was talking about, she tried to back pedal saying that she'd been on a lot of medication that night and could have hallucinated the entire episode."

Nick could just picture the shy girl now, probably sitting in her room worried about what damage she'd done to him and Justin. He almost felt sorry for her, but then thought about all the trouble that he knew would come from this and couldn't find the energy.

"This is your chance Nick. Do the right thing. If you love him, let me help him." Kevin watched curiously as the colour drained from Nick's face. His eyes took a lifeless glassy quality and somehow, he managed to morph right before Kevin's eyes. The man that resulted was almost identical to the man who had walked through his doors, three years prior. Kevin felt his gut clench and his heart constrict.

"Eight months." Nick answered in a voice that barely sounded like his own. When he looked up, Kevin saw no emotion on his face. Inside, Nick was slowly dying. He vowed, late one night while still rooming with Justin, holding the younger man protectively, that he would do anything for him. He would go to the ends of the earth for Justin and do whatever it took to keep him safe. But right now, Nick didn't know what safe was for him right now and so he did what he had to do, which was give Kevin what he wanted. If he didn't, Kevin would go after Justin and Nick didn't want that. He knew what the punishment would be for him for lying and hiding this information from Kevin, so hopefully Kevin would take his rage and anger out on him and spare Justin. To do that, Nick had to sacrifice himself.

"Pardon me?" Kevin asked, slightly shocked not only by the duration of their lie, but the resignation in Nick's voice, in his actions.

"Eight months ago he started talking and we've been keeping it from you since. It started off with a few words here and there, nothing more. After the first time he spoke he didn't say another word for a week or so. But slowly I've been getting him to talk more. Sometimes he'll say a few sentences, sometimes not. But he never says more than he wants to and I don't push him."

Kevin's eyes started to water, his head spinning with conflicting emotions. He was relieved to hear that Justin had started talking again, that he trusted Nick enough to talk to him, but angry that he'd kept it from him for so long. There was also pity for the trauma that Nick was experiencing, as it was blatantly clear how much pain Kevin was putting him through. "Why? Why did you not say something?"

"It wasn't my story to tell." Nick shrugged, barely aware of the tears falling down his cheeks. "He asked me not to tell anyone, wanted it kept a secret. He's afraid of going back out there. He's got nothing there to live for, everything he has is inside these walls. So I kept his secret. I would do anything for him Kevin, I love him. And if it meant lying to you to keep him safe and happy, I would do it again in a heart beat."

"But you're only hurting him, don't you see that?"

"No Kevin, YOU don't see. You don't see how happy he is here, how happy we are together here. You think just like them, in that everything is so black and white. It's not, okay. Nothing is fucking black and white."

"You're being selfish. You know that he'll be here until he talks, and he won't leave as long as you're here. So for that, he was hiding the fact that he's finally able to do the one thing he came here to do."

Nick stood up, rage filling him. "He didn't come here to talk, Kevin. That's not why he's here. He's here because he doesn't belong anywhere else. He's here because he has no where else to go. He's here because he wants to be. He could have left two days after he got here, all he had to do was ask. He fucking knows that, but has he spoken? NO. Because he doesn't want to leave. It has nothing to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you. He's staying here to protect you, so neither of you have to be without each other." Kevin yelled, frustrated. "And the most important thing right now is that you've lied, you've kept important information from me and you've broken the few rules we have here at Three Oaks." Kevin's blood was racing and he felt light headed. He needed to calm down but could only process the fact that Justin had been speaking for eight months and this man had encouraged him to keep it a secret. "Nickolas Carter, I can not in good faith, keep you here under my roof. You will be gone by week's end."

Nick knew it was coming, but still the words hit him in the face like a ten ton brick. The force with which Kevin's announcement hit him caused him to stumble back before falling onto the floor, his knees giving out on him. Kevin was on the phone in an instant, calling for Joey and Chris. Moments later, the two orderlies were at Kevin's door, surprised to see Nick in a heap on the floor.

"Take him to the sixth floor. Restrain him and prepare his papers for discharge. Tonight I will attempt to find alternate accommodations for Mr. Carter."

Nick couldn't hear a word over the rushing of blood in his ears, his own consciousness overwhelming him and luring him into darkness. His whole life the darkness had threatened to take over and he'd always fought it. Now, without Justin, without the safety of Three Oaks, he had no reason to fight. With a bitter smile, Nick allowed his demons to take him away.

Kevin's next phone call was to Josh, alerting him to bring Justin to his office. Upon their arrival, Justin was seated in the chair Nick had only moments earlier vacated. As he sat down, he wondered where the blonde was. Josh and Kevin spoke in hush toned, Kevin updating the other doctor to the events that had transpired just before their arrival.

"You what?" Josh asked, unable to believe what Kevin had told him. He knew the doctor was upset, but hadn't realized he'd be so irrational. Josh had to question whether or not Kevin was doing the right thing, but it wasn't his place nor his decision to make.

"It had to be done Josh, he concealed the fact Justin was talking. Lied to us, disrespected us. How do we know it wasn't his grand scheme? That it wasn't him orchestrating it all? He mentioned that Justin asked him to keep it a secret, but what would that gain Justin?"

With each passing moment they discussed him openly, as if he wasn't in the room, Justin felt his anger rise. It was as if he wasn't even there, the two men forgetting his presence. Too often that had happened, and Justin vowed not to allow it to happen now, especially not when so much was hanging in the balance.

"Why don't you talk TO me instead of about me?" Justin suggested, keeping his anger at bay. His voice was surprisingly steady and calm, considering the multitude of emotions coursing through him. "You might find out more that way."

Kevin and Josh stopped talking immediately, turning to look at Justin with absolute shock. Kevin opened his mouth to speak, only for random sounds to come out. Josh simply shook his head, unable to vocalize a single thought running through his brain. Knowing Justin was talking was one thing, but to hear the words coming from his mouth was a whole other issue and neither man actually believed they'd live to see the day.

"He did it because he understands. He did it because I asked him to. But most of all he did it because he loves me. Why can no one understand that? Why does this have to have anything to do with either of you?"

"Justin..." Kevin gasped, still attempting to move past the fact that Justin was talking, and with such ease and comfort. Josh could see that Kevin was too emotionally involved in everything that was taking place and so he decided to step in.

"Justin? What made you decide to talk?" Josh figured that the easiest way to get Justin to answer their questions was to talk calmly and rationally, not at all accusing or threatening.

"I never had a reason to talk before," Justin simply replied. Not once before was there adequate reason or incentive for him to talk, and so he'd remained quiet. It was as easy as that.

"And now you do?" Josh continued.

Justin inhaled deeply, a vision of Nick clouding his mind, his lips curling into a smile. He managed a nod.

Finally, Kevin managed to find his voice. "Justin, can we have an impromptu one on one? Well, two on one session? I think it would be best if we were both here for it."

Justin frowned, thinking about the implications of a private session right now. It would all be documented for his files and Justin wasn't ready for that. He shrugged, which only brought worried expressions to the doctors faces.

Kevin hated how easily Justin seemed to revert back to his silence. It was nothing for him to talk one minute and then use signals and signs the next. He wanted to demand that Justin cooperate but knew it would only further upset the younger man.

"Please Justin, it would really help us understand what's going on in your head and what has been happening the past eight months."

After a few minutes, Justin smiled. "Off the record."

"Definitely not," Kevin argued. If they were going to have him talk, he wanted to be able to use this later, to have it in Justin's files for future reference. He was not going to be bargaining with his patient.

"Then no."

Josh sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. "Kevin, may I see you outside for a moment." The doctors excused themselves as they went outside Kevin's office to talk. "I think that we should do this his way."

"How can you say that.." Kevin said, unable to believe Josh was for an off the record discussion with Justin, the same Justin who hadn't spoken since before he arrived at Three Oaks.

"How are you going to get him to talk if he feels threatened? And right now, he feels very threatened, and I don't blame him. Kevin, you have to see this through his eyes and if you keep attacking him, he's going to shut down completely. If you're as interested in finding out what's going on with Justin's head as you claim to be, then it isn't about reports, or the case, or what the state is going to say. When did this stop being about him and more about you, Kevin?"

The sting of Josh's words cut deep, but Kevin realized how true they were. He had become and done everything he hated, and hadn't even realized it. With a sigh of defeat he nodded his head. "You're right." They discussed it for a few moments longer before heading into Kevin's office. It was then they found Justin, staring out the window.

"We've talked it over and we've agreed to have an off the record session. No recording devices, no notes being taken. Just the three of us, is that okay?" Josh agreed to make the announcement, since Kevin hadn't had any luck getting through to Justin.

Justin felt his stomach flip a few times, the excitement making him nauseous. "Good, thank you." he'd already spoken more than he had with Nick and he found it was getting easier as the day went on. Thinking about Nick he realized he hadn't even been told what was happening. "Where is Nick?"

Kevin and Josh exchanged glances, neither wanting to tell the man before him what Kevin's decision had been.

"Tell me what's going on with Nick!" Justin demanded again, feeling a sinking sensation cover him. He knew wherever Nick was, it wasn't pretty. He could only imagine what pain the blonde was in at that moment.

"He's being sent away, to another facility by the end of the week," Kevin admitted, wincing at the painfully shocked expression on Justin's face.

"WHAT?"

"Justin, I don't tolerate insolence and disobedience in my hospital. He knew what the rules were and he broke them. Broke quite a few rules and for that, he's being relocated."

"You know how awful those other hospitals have been for him. You know the hell he's been through and you're going to put him through that? Punish him?" Justin couldn't hide the disgust in his voice. Looking at Josh, he realized he wasn't the only one who felt that way.

"There is no other choice. He collapsed earlier, failed to respond to any stimuli, verbal or external. It was worse than when he came in Justin, and for that, he's being detained on the 6th floor until we move him."

Justin's face turned to stone, his eyes a steely gray. "Dr. Richardson, let it be known that if Nick is moved to another facility, I will never speak again. Ever. I know I have to meet with the state appointed psychiatrist and panel before being released. It is to them I have to prove that I'm ready to go back and be a member of society. If you continue with his relocation, I will remain silent for the rest of my life, and by silent, I mean silent. No more notes, no more actions or charades. Nothing. I will become a virtual vegetable."

Kevin's mood darkened with each passing moment, his anger rising again. "I will not give into threats Justin. You can't save him now."

"Oh, but Kevin. It's not a threat. It's a fact. Without Nick, I have no future. And if he is sent to another nameless facility, they are going to slowly kill him. He's too fragile to go anywhere else, and he won't get the care and love he's gotten here. From Joey and Chris, yourself and Josh, not to mention his friends. FRIENDS Kevin, he never had friends at his other facilities because no one cared there. You think you're on our level, that you can see where we're coming from, but neither of you have any clue what it's like to be us. Yes, you're here for pretty much 24/7, but you're on the other side of the counter. You don't have the bracelet, and you know that if you wanted to leave, you could."

Josh understood perfectly where Justin was coming from, agreeing with each point he made in his argument.

"Here, we need each other to be strong, and if you separate us you're only going to be hurting us more. You think that the issue is about me talking here, but it's not. It's never been abut that, and I've never been here for that reason. When did you stop looking at me as Justin and start to see me as someone who didn't talk? I mean, have you even looked at our files lately? Compared them to that of a few years ago? Hell, even a few months ago? I mean look at Nick when he got here. He wouldn't talk to anyone, had nightmares every night and was a shell of a person, someone who could barely even focus on one thing long enough to get the job done. And look at him now, you can't deny that there hasn't been any improvement.

"And Alex. His temper is almost nonexistent and he hasn't had an outburst in ages. At least not one any worse than the rest of us, which is saying a lot for him. He knows now that he can channel his anger through alternate mediums rather than screaming and throwing a crazy fit. Not to mention Lance. What no one even contemplated was that he didn't use the fantasies to escape his life, just to enhance it. He was unhappy with who he was and what he was doing, so he'd daydream. Yes, they were a little involved, but why is that so bad? Who was he hurting? Who are any of us hurting in here? No one. And there you sit, behind that big oak desk all high and mighty holding our lives in your hand. You claim to be doing what's best for us, but really, you're just hurting us more. Why on earth would you take something away from us that makes us so happy. All we want is to be happy."

The sounds of people walking outside the door caught the attention of everyone. Kevin had pretty much forgotten that anything else needed to be done that day, Nick and Justin taking up the majority of his attention and focus.

"The truth of the matter is, he lied. You both did," Kevin pointed out, frustrated and exhausted. They were only going to go around in circles. Justin wouldn't face the truth of the matter, and Kevin wasn't sure what that truth was anymore. He needed time to think about everything and clear his head.

Justin shrugged, showing no sign of remorse or regret. "He lied for me, just like I would lie for him. I will do anything I need to to protect him, and if that means never speaking again, practically killing myself in sacrifice, then I will do it. He means more to me than anyone else in my life ever has and without him, I'm nothing. I don't want to go out to the real world, I have nothing out there waiting for me, especially when my life is in here. I can't tell you what to do, nor do I expect you to take heed to my warning, but all I can do is beg you to reconsider. Please don't send him away, and please don't punish him any more than you already have. He only did it because he loves me."

Kevin couldn't possibly listen to any more. It was one thing to listen to Justin talk, after so many years of wondering what his voice sounded like, but it was another to hear him on the verge of tears, pleading his and Nick's case. "You will go to your room. Josh and I are holding a session tonight to announce that you're both going to be in relative lock up, allowing no visitors. I have to think about what you've said and how I feel. When I've reached a decision I will let you know. Until then, you will see no one, you will be in a virtual lock up in your room."

And with that, Justin had been dismissed. He had a feeling that his pleas hadn't fallen on deaf ears, but wasn't confident that he'd said enough to sway Kevin's decision. He arose without a word, leaving Kevin's office silent once more.

"I'm sorry Justin," Josh apologized softly as they headed up the stairs towards his floor. Justin turned to face the younger doctor, studying his face. Finally, after finding what he'd been looking for, he nodded. Speech wouldn't come as quickly outside the confines of a private office. He still hadn't been told how it was that they'd found out he was talking, that question still fresh in his mind. When they reached his room, he motioned for Josh to follow him inside. It was then that he approached his desk, pulling out a familiar note book and pen.

"How did he find out?" Justin wrote. He didn't fail to notice the way Josh's face fell at the way he'd reverted to old methods of communication.

Josh sighed. Kevin was going about this whole issue wrong, and instead of celebrating the fact that Justin was talking, he was punishing them both, but it wasn't Josh's place to override Kevin's decisions or methods. "Ella," Josh began, watching as Justin's jaw dropped.

Justin was torn between surprise that Ella knew he'd been talking and angry that she'd ratted him out. He waited as Josh explained that a few nights earlier she'd heard them in the rec. room and was curious as to why Kevin was keeping Justin there if he was 'cured'. Josh made sure to alert Justin to the fact that she thought she'd been doing him a favour and from what he'd heard from Joey and Chris, she'd been inconsolable ever since. "You both have been missing all day and word has gotten out that you're both in trouble, and she knows that it's because of her so..."

Justin sighed. It wasn't her fault and he knew in his heart he couldn't blame Ella for what she'd done. She had been acting on his behalf, thinking she was doing him a favour and had no idea that things would have gone the way they did. Even Justin hadn't expected Kevin to be THIS angry at him, as he had figured Kevin's relief that he was finally talking would override any anger at the fact they'd been hiding it. Kevin's rage and fury had been unexpected to say the least.

The clock on his wall said three and for the first time since they'd been pulled into Kevin's office, he realized that he missed lunch. Four hours had passed in the blink of an eye and as Justin thought about the days' events, he then remembered Kevin's words about Nick, how he was up on the sixth floor in lock down. He looked down at the floor, blinking away tears, not wanting Josh to see him start to cry. Justin was feeling overwhelmed with emotion and fear, not only because he didn't know what was going to happen to him, but moreso for Nick's fate. He didn't even want to think about what his boyfriend was going through at that moment, how frightened and alone he was. He knew how restless Nick was when he was anxious or asleep and hoped to God that they were giving him enough medication to help him sleep through the night. Justin hated to think Nick was having his usual nightmares upstairs with no one to protect him from himself.

With a barely audible voice Justin turned his head in the direction Josh was standing, not bothering to raise his head. "Please leave." Justin walked towards the bed and slid between the sheets, curling up in a ball and pulling his Monkey towards himself. Monkey. Josh was still standing at his desk, not moving. Looking up at the doctor, Justin blinked back the tears that were pooling there and held out the stuffed animal for Josh to see. "Bring this to him, please?"

Josh's heart broke at the sight of Justin holding out the animal, arm trembling. With a nod, he took the monkey and gave Justin a weak smile. "Of course." He received no words of thanks, only a slight nod before Justin turned around and lay back down, curling back up into a ball before pulling the sheets over his head.


End Chapter 19

Chapter 20 >