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Title: The End Is Only The Beginning
Author: Jules
Part: 1/1
Series: 10 of One Way Or Another Series
Pairing: Nick/Kevin/Justin
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Fiction. Yeah. Fiction.
Warnings: Slash warning. Bigroupal warning

~*~*~*~*~

Present Day: 18 Months AB (After Breakup)


He sits and watches them from a distance, the taste of salty tears on his lips, the burning memory of a broken heart still fresh in his mind. The thing that hurts the most is, that used to be him. He once was that happy, he was in that exact position mere months ago. And now his place is occupied by another, someone he loves more than anything in the world. It is that which makes it bittersweet. He loves him and is glad that he is finally happy because it's been a long road for him and he deserves so much more than what life has given him, but at the same time he hates him just a little bit. He hates him for having what he wants, practically coming in and taking it right out from underneath him. It was never the healthiest of relationships, something they all knew going into it. It was always leading to one being cast out, one being hurt. And knowing everything that had happened, being on this side of the fence and remembering everything from start to finish as well as it's
 aftermath, he wouldn't go back and change a single thing. There is no denying that it was worth each smile, each kiss and each tear. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Choices had been made, tears shed and words said. They knew that once everything started it would be impossible to stop until the smoke cleared, all hoping in the end it would all work out. The smoke has long since cleared and it is now time for him to go on, living with the consequences and trying to put together the pieces of his broken heart. It is like a Top 40 single, full of cliché and heartache and everything that probably had made someone a lot of money as millions of kids sing along to the lyrics of his life. It will be a long while before he allows himself to love again, and even then he knows it will never be as deep as the love they shared. The love he has for both of the men his attention is now firmly focused on. The men he watches with silent longing, regret and resentment.

He can't help but think about the time since that day everything between the three of them came to a startling conclusion. So much should have been dealt with differently, but hindsight is 20/20 and he knows it's fruitless to dwell on the past. They did what they had to do and handled things as best they could. But looking back, he can't help but wonder how he ever thought he could compete with what they had. He had no way of knowing how deep their connection ran, but then rationalized that he couldn't know when even they themselves didn't have a clue. He believed them each time they insisted it wasn't anything more than what it was. He believed it because they were convincing. So convincing that they themselves believed it. It truly was one of the most frustrating situations and the only thing that he regrets now is how he hurt them. Not only how he hurt them but how they hurt each other and him as well. The amount they all had managed to hurt each other in such a small period of
 time was astounding and he was thankful every single day, that in the end, they had managed to look past everything and forgive each other. All of them.

He sees their eyes meet across the room, pretending there isn't more going on between them, but he knows. He knows and he sees the love they share, he isn't blind to the emotion in their smiles. His wince is a knee jerk reaction, sending pain through his chest to his heart. It's like a train wreck he can't tear his eyes from. He doesn't want to watch but can't help it, powerless to do anything but submit to it, wishing things could have ended differently. Wishing it could have been him forever.

"I never took you as the masochistic type." A voice penetrates through the thick fog clouding his brain, shattering his concentration. His gaze stops on concerned brown eyes and in their depths he sees understanding and compassion. There is something vaguely visible that tells him it's not pity but concern and that comforts him somewhat. He's getting really sick of people feeling sorry for him. Seeing the genuine interest in his well being, he gives a weak smile and nods to invite the man to sit down. A drink is placed in front of him as if a peace offering.

"Chris," he utters in greeting.

"Well let me amend that statement. Leather, whips and chains. Yes, THAT I can see for your masochistic side. But this..." Chris waves at the two lovers now conversing intimately in a darkened corner across the room. "This is self inflicted torture. I didn't peg you the type."

It is self inflicted torture. They both know it. But the pain is soothing. It lets him know he is still alive. The numbness hasn't taken over and won. Not this early in the night anyways.


Silence falls upon them as they watch the riveting scene before them. It is Chris who speaks first.

"For what it's worth. I'm sorry." He feels the need to apologize, although they both knew he had nothing to do with anything that happened. "This must be really hard for you."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." The time for blame had long since come and gone. It got him nowhere and he'd finally just learned to accept what had happened and try to move on, no matter how hard that was. No matter how much he didn't want to.

"I know." Chris pauses to consider whether or not to say what is on his mind. The last thing he needs is to be adding fuel to the fire.

"Spill it!"

Chris rubs his jaw thoughtfully. "I never in a million years would have expected that conversation," Chris knew he didn't have to specify which one, it was known which he was referring to, "to end the way it did. I'm sorry Kevin. I really am but I would have bet everything, EVERYTHING, on Nick and Justin. Not to mention I was certain you'd have picked Nick. At no point did I think Nick would be the one left behind."

Kevin sighs, swallowing down the remainder of the drink in his hand. The burn of alcohol down his throat is a relief. He shrugs noncommittally. "Good thing you didn't bet then." He pauses for a few minutes before adding quietly, "He and I were never meant to be." The truth is harder to swallow, leaving a lump in Kevin's throat. He signals for another drink.

"A lot of things aren't meant to be Kevin. It doesn't mean we can't at least try." Chris has to give the other man a lot of credit for his patience with Justin. Although it hadn't been spoken out loud, they all knew it had been a long shot for the two men to make things work. He could see the fear in Kevin's eyes that day, even before he'd admitted his feelings for Justin and suggested if that they could try a relationship. He had his work cut out for him, competing against Justin's relationship with Nick and although he'd won the battle, they had no way of knowing the war would be far from over. A lesser man would have stepped down and conceded, but Kevin refused. He'd put his heart out for Justin to see and hoped for the best, pleasantly surprised when the younger man accepted. Not to mention the fact that he had fought for Justin the entire way. Not once did he give up on their relationship, and when he'd finally realized it was a fruitless effort, that Justin's heart did and
 always had lay with someone else, he'd bowed out gracefully. Kevin was a far better man than Chris had ever given him credit for.

Kevin catches a familiar tone in Chris' voice and turns his head to take a good look at him. He notices something he's never seen before and puts his hand on Chris' thigh in support. His eyes follow where Chris' gaze lay and he can't help but frown in sympathy. "Does he know you love him?" It is at that exact moment that Kevin realizes how fucked up things are, and he's certain they've only scratched at the outer layer.

Chris thinks about denying Kevin's observation but knows it is pointless. "Yes. We discussed it at great lengths after you and Justin got together. I felt he needed to know where I stood with him and he thought I was crazy. At first I think he believed I was doing it because of how upset he was but when he realized I was serious and my feelings weren't anything new. When I could, make him see I wasn't telling him for any other reason except I wanted him to know, we went away for a bit to sort everything out. I think we both needed some time to come down from the drama."

Remembering back, Kevin can vaguely recall Chris and Nick taking a trip together a few weeks after their 'break up'. It was still during the awkward period of them functioning on a platonic level and AJ had let him know Nick was taking some time away. At that time, Kevin had been so wrapped up with the album as well as his budding romance with Justin that he'd been relieved to know Nick was moving on.

"And? What happened?" Kevin didn't want to pry but was curious. He smiled, letting Chris know that if he didn't feel like talking about it, he didn't have to.

"We went away and it was then that we realized it wasn't going to work. We had lots of sex, pretty much fucked the whole time we were gone but it wasn't more than that. I still love him, but it's not the same. It's not what he needs. He needs.." Chris motions towards Justin, knowing Kevin will understand.

Kevin does.

"Yeah. Fucking sucks doesn't it?"

"You can say that again."

Once again, they fall into a comfortable silence, neither man feeling they have to say anything. Chris looks at Kevin, realizing that he's slipped back in to the memories of what had been. He had honestly hated Kevin for a while after the break up, not understanding how he could have hurt Nick the way he had. But it took one visit to Justin's house a week afterwards to see the pain they both were in to realize he couldn't even begin to understand what they were all going through. It was from that moment on he decided to try and remain as neutral as possible, not getting involved unless necessary. That proved to be harder than he'd originally thought.

Chris' presence is forgotten the moment Justin turns his head, eyes locking with Kevin's. It is as if the whole world paused and Kevin forgot how to breathe, the hair on his arms standing on end. He wants to look away, to break the contact so Justin wouldn't see the anguish he is in, but he can't do that, he is lost in the icy blue depths of Justin's gaze. Kevin feels his heart breaking all over again. How he manages a smile in return to the shy curl of Justin's lip is beyond Kevin, but he does, wishing he can die just a little more with each passing second. And then as quick as it starts, it's over and Justin is pulled back in to his conversation at hand, he and Nick joined by Paris, who had become Nick's best friend in months past. Kevin figures it is because they had something in common, both had their hearts broken by the person they loved. The knife twists a little deeper and Kevin exhales deeply.

As much as he wants, he can't hold resentment towards Justin or Nick. Not lasting resentment anyways. He still finds it difficult to be in the same room with them, especially when they are all alone and Justin and Nick can be how they want to be without worry that someone would find out about them. He still cringes every time he hears Justin's name, gets a whiff of the cologne the younger man wears, or even thinks about what had been but is now over. But the moment he resigns himself to the fact that he'd be miserable forever, Kevin will see Nick, in person or his mind's eyes and it reminds him that it is possible to move on. Nick had managed to do it before swooping back in and reclaiming Justin as his own. There lay hope in his future, Kevin is sure of it.

Chris' voice startles Kevin out of his thoughts. "He didn't take him away from you Kevin, you can't forget that."

"Pardon?" Kevin's face turns pale white, realizing Chris knows what he is thinking. He can't help but wonder if he'd uttered his last thought out loud.

"Nick. He didn't take Justin away from you. First off, Justin isn't some possession, passed around to whoever is quickest to pick him up. He's got his own mind, his own will. If he does something, it's because he wants to, not because he's been told to. And second, he couldn't have taken him away unless Justin wanted to be.." Chris pauses as he watches Kevin's eyes widen and then gloss over with unshed tears. "I'm sorry but.."

"You don't have to remind me Chris. I know full well Justin wasn't happy with me. That he never wanted me in the first place."

Chris sighs. "It wasn't like that Kevin, and you know full well."

Kevin knows Justin wouldn't have agreed to try with him if he didn't honestly want it, but there is a small part of him, is still even after all this time, that believes Justin only picked him because he thought Nick wouldn't. He'd been afraid of being alone and figured he would agree to Kevin's proposal to avoid that fate. "Sometimes I wonder."

Their time together hadn't been all bad, Kevin can agree to that. They'd been extremely happy for the majority of their relationship together, with the exception of the very beginning and the very end. But Kevin can't deny something was missing. He now knows what that was, Nick. He wasn't Nick and that is who Justin was meant to be with. It has been eighteen months since that day. A year and a half that has changed their lives completely. It is only now, because he is fully removed from the situation and able to look at it with a subjective eye, Kevin can see what he had previously been blind to.

He now wonders how he could have missed so many important signs.

~*~*~ *~*~*~*~

Nick looks across the room, his gaze landing on Justin and his stomach fluttering in response. There are days that he still wakes up, unable to believe how fortunate he is. He had long since given up on being happy, in having Justin the way he'd hoped he would, but just when he'd stopped dreaming and started living, it happened. They haven't hit their destination yet, but they are on their way. It is still early and there is still a lot of baggage to weed through, but if nothing, the past eighteen months have taught him patience and perseverance. Not to mention the fact that you should never give up on hope because life can surprise you.

Justin catches his eye and they both blush, no cares of who can see how happy they both are. He's sure that people are watching, curious as to what they're both grinning at but doesn't care. Life is just too short to be worrying about things you can't change and not fixing the ones you can. With one look around him, Nick decides he's tired of living his life for other people and having concern for what they say. He wants to talk to Justin, so he's going to march right over and talk to him. He just has to make sure he doesn't do anything too obvious in public, once he starts he might not be able to stop.

Justin watches Nick weave his way through the crowds between them and feels his pulse picking up. He recognizes that gleam in the blonde's eyes and feels goose bumps cover his skin. They're almost nose to nose when Justin exhales the breath he's been holding. "Hey."

"Hey," Justin blushes and tears his eyes away from Nick's, which are watching him intensely. They're standing so close he can feel Nick's body heat, smells his cologne and can't help but look up again, soaking Nick's beauty in. It is in these moments that Justin wonders how he could have thought this wasn't what he wanted, that this wasn't his destiny. Even at his most intense moments with Kevin, he wasn't THIS engrossed, overwhelmed, not to the point that the older man was all he could eat, breathe, see and live. Justin felt his heart skip a beat and he thanked God for giving him a second chance. He knew all too well how much he'd hurt Nick when he had agreed to try to make things work with Kevin. It was expected that Nick would never forgive him again, so to have the blonde's friendship had been a blessing, to have him still love him was truly a miracle, and Justin knew full well how lucky he was.

It hadn't been a torturous eighteen months with Kevin, or to be exact, fifteen months. From the time that they'd started their relationship to the time Justin confessed that it wasn't working out and he had realized he still had feelings for Nick, fifteen months had elapsed. Fifteen happy, content months. They had endured their fair share of fights and arguments, but it was domestic bliss. The problem was, Justin was restless. Something had been missing the entire time, feelings which he'd pushed under the surface, refusing to analyze. It was with Nick's return to their lives that Justin could no longer ignore it any more and had to stop lying, to himself and to Kevin.

It just wasn't working out. He loved Kevin, just wasn't in love with him and admitted that maybe he'd been a little to hasty in his decision to try to make things work. Justin felt that he and Kevin weren't meant to be. It was a hard decision to make, but in the end, he knew it would save them both a lot of heartache and grief in the end. At least he'd hoped so.

Justin feels a pair of eyes focused intensely on him and he turns around, locking his gaze with Kevin's. The intensity of the green eyes now focused on his causes for him to gasp, his stomach clenching in a familiar rush of emotion. Although looking tired and weary, Kevin is still as beautiful as he always was, and Justin knows, always will. There are still moments, such as this one, that he is amazed Kevin picked him. Although Kevin refuses to believe it, Justin does not regret a single moment they spent together. He will always cherish those fifteen months they were together and is a better man because of Kevin. He can't deny that Nick is his destiny, but Kevin is too, if not just a little bit. Things happened the way they were supposed to, at least Justin believes that, and he can't help but be thankful they did because it only made him appreciate what he has, or will have, with Nick more. He also felt blessed for the opportunity to get to know Kevin better, through all of this he
 feels that he's gained something more than words can explain. He now knows exactly what it was that Nick saw in him all those years and still hopes to this day that his decision to end their romantic relationship will not affect their friendship. Kevin means too much to Justin to just let him go, and he knows that if he has to, he will fight to keep Kevin in his life.

Justin smiles and breaks eye contact with Kevin to look at Nick, the man he's starting to get to know once again. They are in the early stages of a relationship, if you want to get technical about it, he would say they're dating. Well, dating as much as their lifestyle allows. Sometimes dates are four hour phone conversations with each on either side of the country, sometimes they're IM chats to and from interviews or performances. And sometimes they are actually in the same room, whether it be watching a movie at one of their houses, or calling for pizza and taking a ride out on Nick's boat. But the important thing is they're taking it slow and rebuilding the love and trust they once had but briefly lost. They both know how precious time is but that they've got a lot of it. Their whole lives to be exact.

He won't show it, but Nick knows Kevin is watching their every move. His facial expression is somewhat wistful and there have been a few moments where Nick has caught him glaring at him, even if he himself doesn't realize it. It isn't like Nick can blame Kevin for feeling the way he does, he was at that same place not too long ago. But he's relieved to know that Kevin doesn't hold a permanent grudge against him, Nick would have been devastated if that had been the case. It wasn't even that he'd actually believed he had a chance with Justin. Nick had believed that boat had long since sailed, all he had been looking for was friendship, with both of them. Being angry and hateful towards Justin and Kevin had only worked for a short period of time, until Nick realized that it took more energy to hate someone than to just forgive them and move on from it. Once he had done that, he found that he couldn't fault either man for loving who they loved. It was then he'd started to rebuild what
 they'd lost. It was then his life changed once again.

It is in this random ballroom, at some random party that all three men, Kevin, Nick and Justin, can't help but think back to the last eighteen months. Where Nick had gone from having it all, to having nothing to finding his soul mate. Where Kevin had gone from being content, to getting everything he'd ever wanted, to losing it in the blink of an eye. And finally, where Justin had gone from not having a clue as to what or who he wanted, to being pursued by both men in his life and finally finding that what he wanted had been right in front of him the whole time, just barely in arm's reach.

With bated breath, each man looks at one another hesitantly, finding themselves getting lost in memories that were still vividly fresh in their minds.

*~*~*~*~

Flashback: 1 Month AB

"Get a bag packed Christopher, we're going away." Nick smiled into the receiver as he was met with silence. He had a feeling Chris would react this way.

"Huh?" This couldn't be the same Nick Chris had been talking to for the past month. This man sounded cheerful and coherent, Nick had been neither of those things. "Are you drunk?"

Nick couldn't help but laugh at Chris' surprise. He'd woken up that morning with a new lease on life, realizing he couldn't just let life pass him by. The burn and pain of rejection was still stinging, but there were other people who loved him besides Kevin and Justin and Nick was going to focus on that. It had been a month since Chris had told him he loved him and it was time to do something about it. He was still unsure of what he thought about Chris' revelation, but laying in bed all day wasn't going to fix anything. Nick wanted to start living again. The longer he put it off, the harder it was going to be. So the best way for him to do that was to take Chris away somewhere so they could talk about everything and maybe pursue an avenue not yet taken. A relationship with Chris. Nick's stomach fluttered at the thought.

"Not drunk, just... I don't know Chris. Just trying to start healing. We haven't *really* talked since my bedroom that day. I want to go away with you just to get out of my own skin for a while. Please..."

Chris couldn't deny Nick anything and he couldn't deny to himself that he wanted desperately to go away with the blonde. There was something in the back of his mind that told him Nick didn't feel for him the way he felt, and although it hurt, Chris understood. Nick's heart belonged to another, and despite the fact that they were with someone else now, those feelings weren't going to go away so easily. Chris was a patient man, and he'd learned that life always brought forth unexpected surprises. He had absolutely no problem waiting until Nick was ready. "What time do we leave?"

On his end of the line, Nick grinned. He told Chris to have his bag packed in less than an hour.

In total, they were gone for two weeks. It was two weeks of sun, beaches, half naked men and women for miles and nothing but time to do whatever the hell they wanted. If anyone was curious as to why Nick and Chris were hanging out together on vacation, no one said a word. The days were spent sleeping on the beach, perfecting their tans while the evenings were spent drinking, dancing and partying until they passed out and started the whole routine over again the next day. It felt great to be able to do whatever they wanted and not have to answer to anyone. Nick started to remember what it was like to be completely unattached and free of strings and little by little the weight of the world on his shoulders began to fall away. There was no one to worry about back home, and he could just let loose and be himself without consequence. It was amazing how much he began to feel like his old self again, giving Nick the strength to begin moving on.

On nights they didn't take other people back to their room with them, they would go back together, both men getting lost in the physical aspect of their relationship. Chris promised he wouldn't push Nick and Nick refused to think about anything other than the immediate present. He was still an emotional wreck, the last thing he needed was to add more stress to his already fragile mind. He was living things one day at a time, enjoying the sheer freedom to just 'be'. No expectations and no pressures. It was some of the most intense sex they each could ever remember having since the beginning days when they first got together. Both men were blown away by the raw, physical passion between them, bringing their relationship to a whole other level.


It was on their last day of the vacation that Nick brought up what was to happen afterwards. They were curled up in bed, Nick's head resting on Chris' chest. "I'm really sorry." He felt the need to apologize. Their fingers were laced together and Nick kissed Chris' knuckles softly.

Chris felt his stomach drop and the air being knocked out of his lungs. He knew what Nick was apologizing for and although he'd braced himself for this moment, it still hurt. He wasn't ready for it to end so soon. "You don't have to be."

"Yes, I do. I wanted this vacation as a bit of a test, to see.." Nick paused, trying to catch his breath. So many emotions were whirling around in his head he was getting dizzy. It was hard to vocalize what he was feeling inside when even he himself wasn't entirely sure. All he knew was that he needed Chris in his life and hated to think that the older man was going to leave him after his revelation. "I love you so much Chris, but I can't be what you need right now. I can't be that for anyone."

"You don't have to explain it to me Nicky. I understand. I wanted you to know how I feel about you so you would know that it's not the end of the world. There are people out there that do love you and... if not just to put it out there as a possibility. When your heart mends and you are ready for something, that you'll know how I feel. I wouldn't want you to not know and then regret not telling you later."

Nick nodded his head, feeling tears prick the corners of his eyes. He just couldn't imagine being with anyone for more than purely sexual reasons right now, an emotional relationship just not possible. What he wanted to do right now was focus on himself and getting HIM better, not to mention working out residual feelings for Kevin and Justin that would only be detrimental if he jumped right into a relationship with anyone right now. And so, he told Chris that. Explaining best he could his reasons for why they couldn't be together as more than what they already were.

"Nick, I appreciate you being honest with me. I had to be honest with you in telling you I love you. You are one of the most amazing men in my life and even if you can never reciprocate it, I wanted you to know. You deserve to know that I think you are one of the most phenomenal people I've ever met. An angel. My angel."

"Thank you, Baby. You have to know I do love you. Right? You know I do?"

Chris cupped Nick's face in his hands and pulled him up for a gentle kiss on his lips. Even if Nick hadn't said the words, Chris would have known because it was in his eyes. Nick was never one that could completely hide his emotions, and Chris could see that the blonde loved him. But he could also see what type of love that was and it wasn't romantic, forever love. It was that which stung the most. "Yes, Nicky. I see it."

"Let me get better. Let me get this out of my system and then we'll see how I feel. I don't want to make any promises right now because I don't know where I'm going to be in a few months. I just need..."

"Take all the time you want Nicky. You know I'll always be here, for whatever you need. Friend, lover, more. Whatever you need, I'll try to be that for you."

Nick settled back down, curling against Chris' body protectively. "I just need you to be you, Baby. That's enough."

*~*~*~*~*~

Flashback: 3 Months AB


Immediately after leaving Chris', Kevin and Justin went to Justin's house to get away from it all. They wanted to be alone with each other, but also by themselves to fully think about everything that had gone on between the three of them. Despite the situation ending to their benefit, it was hard not to be affected by everything that had happened. Justin asked Kevin for some time, a few days to sort through everything that was going on in his head.

By the time he emerged, Justin felt better about everything. They could start moving on, together. It was awkward, just the two of them but Kevin preferred it this way. He loved Justin, had fallen IN love with Justin and could only hope Nick would see their feelings for each other and understand where they were coming from. They talked at lengths about how they would deal with Nick when faced with the situation of all three of them together in one room. Both men agreed it was best to let Nick set the pace. It would only hurt things more if they pushed too hard.

At first that pace was a dead stop. Nick did most of his correspondence with both men via alternate sources, namely JC and AJ. If he needed to pass a message on to Justin, Nick would call JC to do it for him, if he needed Kevin to know something, AJ was phoned to relay the message. When given resistance by either side, it was met with 'I just need some time."


Some time turned out to be three months. Kevin and Justin had progressed to a point where Kevin figured Justin had fully gotten over Nick. Kevin had long since worked through any residual romantic feelings he'd once harboured for the blonde. He still loved Nick, he knew he always would but it wasn't what it once had been, and so he assumed Justin had gotten over him as well. Their conversations revolving around Nick had long since stopped and for once, Kevin felt that he was coming first in Justin's mind as well as his heart. The ghost of Nick had disappeared causing for Kevin to sigh in relief. His biggest insecurity had always been his place in relation to Nick.

The first test would be at Lance's birthday party, thrown at Chris'. All of their closest friends would be there. Justin, Kevin and Nick all sent in their RSVPs and realized they'd be together in one room. For the first time since Chris' rec. room.

Nick was the last to arrive as he had business to attend to before heading over. When he entered Chris' spacious house, it felt as though someone hit a pause button on the room, everyone turned their heads to get a look. Justin had a beer midway to his mouth and Kevin's hand was resting comfortably on Justin's thigh, all three aware of each other at the same time. Lance was Nick's first stop on his rounds. He presented the birthday boy a medium sized box and a gentle peck on his jaw.

"Happy Birthday dude," Kevin heard Nick say. It was then he realized how much he missed hearing Nick's voice, the thought causing for a ripple of goose bumps to cover his skin.

Nervously, Kevin looked at Justin to gage his reaction, noticing his lover was sickly white and looking more anxious than Kevin had ever seen him. He pressed his lips against Justin's temple trying to soothe the younger man, if not to remind him he was still there. Kevin was pleased when Justin leaned into his touch. "You okay, Babe?"

"We'll see." Justin replied softly, his hands trembling.

They were the last stop on Nick's tour, stopping in front of them nervously. He was tanned, looking better than ever and Kevin felt happy Nick was looking so good. Not only that he looked good, but it looked like he FELT good, and that was most important. Despite what he knew everyone was thinking, he'd never meant to hurt Nick, he'd only ever wanted Nick to be happy. Just not at his own expense. A twinge of guilt flashed in Kevin's mind before he pushed it away, focusing on his ex-lover in front of him.

"Can we go outside for a second, I want to talk to you both."

Justin and Kevin looked at one another, it wasn't even a question. They'd go to the end of the earth for this man, if just to ease their own consciences and try to rectify the pain they put him through. Standing on Chris' back patio, they all waited nervously for someone to start talking. Nick had brought them out, so Kevin felt he should start.

"How have you both been?"

Justin shrugged but didn't move away from how close he was standing to Kevin. "Good. It's been hard but..." Nick's snort of disbelief stopped him from saying whatever else he'd just been about to.

Kevin had a feeling that they didn't know the half of it. Their pain had been minute compared to Nick's, he kept quiet.

Justin was not as silent. "How have you been?"

It was then that Nick confessed where he'd been the past three months and why he was unreachable as he was. He'd gone away with Chris for a while, the reason was none their business, and then after that, went off on his own for a while. He had felt the need to go off and find himself, try living alone for a while to discover who he was and what he truly wanted. In that time, he had thought a lot about their relationships and everything that had happened, and in the end he'd realized he didn't care. Or not that he didn't care, but he wasn't going to let it ruin his life, nor ruin their relationship. He'd forgiven them. He hadn't forgotten the pain, but he'd forgiven them for it. He wanted to start moving on.

"So you and Chris aren't...?" Justin asked, feeling a sharp pain in his chest at the thought. Nick having moved on so quickly hadn't even occurred to him and he would be lying if he said the thought didn't bother him. Chris had long since refused to answer any questions, so if Justin was going to get any information it would have to be from Nick.

"Not that its' any of your business, no. We aren't together, at least not any more than what we've always been. I'm not ready for anything serious right now, especially with someone so close to me. The last thing I need is that blowing up in my face too."

Justin breathed out a sigh of relief, which was not passed unnoticed by Kevin who simply tightened his hold on Justin.

"Does this mean we might be friends again? That you don't hate us?" Kevin truly was concerned about his friendship with Nick. They had been through too much together to completely write off their past, and Kevin honestly loved having the younger man in his life. He wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"Yes. I'm not saying it's not going to hurt, because I can honestly tell you this is killing me right now, and all you're doing is holding hands." All three men looked down at Justin and Kevin's clasped hands between them. Neither made a move to pull away, all three were going to have to get used to being comfortable with Justin and Kevin's relationship being exclusive. "But it's getting easier. I mean, there was a point where I didn't think I'd be able to be in the same room as either of you. So I'm making progress. Just one day at a time, no expectations."

Both Kevin and Justin had been relieved to hear it. It was a brand new day. Although neither would admit it, there was still a little guilt in their happiness. It was hard being so happy knowing that someone was miserable because of it. But with Nick's blessing and admission of moving on, Kevin and Justin could fully focus on being together and being happy.

At least they hoped so.

*~*~*~*~*~*~
Flashback: 6 Months AB

It was a beautiful day, much too beautiful to be locked up inside. Not only being locked up inside, but in a room with no windows so they could at least see the beautiful weather. The beautiful day gave no indication of the drama that was about to unfold. "Come on guys, it's too nice to be inside. Can we at least take an hour break for lunch to get some fresh air?" AJ whined as he flung himself on the couch against the far studio wall.

They'd been mixing and recording for over five hours already and tensions were getting high. AJ's plea was met with grumbles from Howie and Kevin, both men insisting that they needed to get everything done and if they kept taking breaks, that would be impossible. Brian shrugged noncommittally and Nick nodded eagerly in support.

"Yeah. Let's take a breather. I'm going nuts in here."

Again, their request was ignored. It took Nick's cell phone ringing to break their concentration, garnering two sets of angry eyes in his direction. "No cells in the studio Nick!" Kevin scolded, narrowing his eyes. The rules were that no cells were allowed on when actual recording was taking place, not when they were in the studio and since they'd taken a break from recording, he'd discreetly turned his on. Thinking that he had set the ring to silent/vibrate, Nick blushed in embarrassment when familiar notes to 'Oooops I Did It Again' came loud and clear from his jeans pocket.

Both Brian and Howie snickered at Nick's embarrassment. "Britney?"

"Fuck off," Nick gave Brian the finger and checked the display to see a newly familiar number staring at him as '1 Missed Call' was illuminated. AJ had long since disappeared so he shrugged his shoulders. "Bone's gone. I'm taking a break, gotta return this call."

Kevin sighed. All concentration was already lost. "Fine. Take half. We'll see what we want to do after that."

Nick was gone out the door in a flash, heading outside to get some fresh air and some peace and quiet. Finding a tree on the front lawn, he sat down underneath it stretching and making himself comfortable. It was when his pulse stopped racing that he hit a single button on his phone, listening to it ring on the other end. Within a few moments someone answered. Nick's pulse began to race again.

The next half hour passed in the blink of an eye and before Nick knew it, someone was blocking the sun, standing over him. Looking up, his gaze met inquisitive green eyes and Nick's stomach lurched nervously, he wondered how much of his conversation the older man had heard. The expression on Kevin's face was unreadable and he pulled the phone away from his ear, "I'll be a minute."

Kevin nodded. He walked away, going as far as the front door. He was certain that the person Nick was talking to was someone special, as in romantically special. Kevin recognized the expression on the blonde's face, the excitement in his voice and he felt something pull in his chest. He was pleased that Nick was moving on and maybe had found someone, but at the same time, it hurt more than he thought it would. Kevin couldn't help but wonder how Justin would react to the news. His stomach tightened even more at that thought. A few moments later, Nick joined him.

"Kev?"

Kevin turned to look at Nick, a serious expression on his face. "Are you okay? How are things?"

Nick shrugged, trying to keep the grin from his lips. "Good."

"That sounded like someone..."

Nick held up his hand. "It's just... someone a friend set me up with. We've gone on a few dates and we're seeing how things go."

Nick was dating again. Kevin knew the day would come eventually, but having it confirmed for him startled him slightly. "He better treat you right. Or else."

They shared a smile and Nick pulled Kevin in for a hug, holding him tight. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For not freaking out." Nick couldn't explain why he had been afraid Kevin would freak out about hearing he was dating again, but thankfully he seemed pleased Nick was getting out there. It was probably because Kevin had known that Nick was going to pick Justin and if he was dating again, it only made his own relationship with Justin more secure. Nick's head started to throb at the thought of where things had gone wrong with their relationship so he pushed the ideas out of his head.

Kevin nodded, about to answer when his own phone rang. "I'll be in, in a few." Justin's number displayed clearly. Nick nodded and pushed through the doors to the studio. Kevin held his breath, knowing he had to break the news of Nick's dating again to his lover but unsure of how he would react. They talked for a few minutes, making small talk and Justin relaying a message that Kevin's mom had phoned and wanted him to call him back when he could. Justin gave him the perfect segway.

"How's recording, Babe? How's Nick doing?"

Kevin held his breath. "It's going well. Actually, Nick's doing great. I just found out that he's... uhh, dating someone." His news was met with silence. "J?"

"I'm sorry, what?" Justin's heart was in his throat and he was thankful Kevin couldn't see his hands trembling.

"I just said, Nick told me he's dating someone new."

"Who?"

Kevin tried to ignore the disappointment that was clear in his lover's voice. "He didn't say and I didn't ask. None of my business, at least not this early. But that's good right? He's moving on and found someone new?"


Justin blinked, trying to clear his mind. "Of.. of course that's great. But .. isn't it a bit soon?"

"It's been six months."

"I guess." Justin took a few calming breaths and cleared his mind of visions of Nick with someone else. He had Kevin, he had no right to be possessive over Nick anymore. He'd just have to deal with how much it hurt. "Anyways, enough about Nick. What time are you going to be home tonight? I thought we'd have a nice romantic dinner, just the two of us." Justin forced the depressing news from his mind and focused on being happy.

Kevin smiled, thoughts of Nick immediately gone from his mind. They had been replaced with dinner with Justin and afterwards, lovemaking all night. Kevin's groin tightened and he nearly growled. "I'll be home by seven. No later." He would leave mid-recording if he'd have to, nothing was stopping him from being home that night.

They said their good-byes and hung up, Kevin promising to be home as soon as he could. Justin replaced the phone on it's hook and let out a forlorn sigh. He knew he'd made the right choice with Kevin, but he couldn't figure out why Nick moving on hurt so much. Why he felt betrayed and angry. Sad. Lost. Desperate. With a shake of his head he pushed Nick out of his mind, replacing it with Kevin.

Justin was happy with the older man. Loved him. Wanted to be with him forever.


Then why couldn't he get Nick out of his mind?

Flashback: 8 Months AB

"You want to what?" Kevin asked Nick incredulously. They were completing work for the day and heading out to the parking lot together. AJ, Brian and Howie had long since gone and it had just been Nick and Kevin for at least an hour or so, working on tracks they'd both penned and wanted to add as B-Sides to singles to be released.


It had been a hard road, but their relationship had finally come to a point where there were no remnants of hurt feelings or anger towards one another. If anything, both Kevin and Nick agreed that their friendship had only been strengthened since the day Nick had come by and admitted that he'd forgiven Justin and Kevin for everything. Taking things one day at a time gave them the freedom to get to know one another and rebuild everything so that it became stronger than it previously had been.

"I want to have a dinner party Kev, us and you two." Admittedly, it still hurt to see Justin so happy with Kevin, especially since Nick hadn't stopped loving him, but it was getting less and less with each passing day. He could see how happy Kevin was making Justin, and although Nick was still convinced he could make Justin happier, it wasn't his decision to make. Justin had made that decision eight months earlier and didn't seem to have looked back once. It took Nick a long time to come to terms with the fact that he'd missed his chance in having Justin and for that he was more angry with himself than he had been with Kevin or Justin.

What he should have done was confessed to Justin he loved him after the split with Britney, but he'd been afraid and hesitated. Then other people came and went, Kevin was added to the mix, Nick started seeing Paris and by the time he realized that all he wanted was Justin, all he needed was Justin, Kevin had already swooped in and stolen his heart. He was fully to blame for his own misery and little by little Nick was moving past it. Successfully, moving past it as it didn't make him want to cry any more.

They'd been spending a lot more time together as of late, especially due to recording, but on a personal level as well. At first, they refused to show any sign of affection in front of him out of respect, but Nick assured them he knew what was going on behind closed doors, so doing it in front of his face wouldn't be disrespectful. It wasn't fair for him to ask them to pretend they weren't together. Now, it was at a point where he would see them share a look, or a kiss and it was only a dull throb in his heart, not a sharp, fatal pain.

Nick had to admit though, his acceptance of Kevin and Justin's relationship had a little to do with the person he'd been seeing for almost two months. It wasn't anyone famous, just a friend of a friend that Nick had been dating. They were taking things slow, the man fully aware of everything Nick had been through in the past year, not pushing him for more than he was ready for. Chris had been the first person Nick had gone to, confessing tearfully that he wanted to try a relationship with the other man. It was a fresh start with no past and that was what he wanted right now. Something new and without the potential to wreck him completely if it didn't work out. Nick wasn't naive enough to believe Chris when he said it was more than okay and he suspected Nick didn't feel the same way so he'd long since moved past it.

It was evident in the way Chris' eyes fell and his whole body trembled that he was not okay with it and hadn't moved past it. Nick hated hurting the older man, especially since he meant so much to Nick, but it was just something he had to do for him. Nick hadn't expected things to go as well as they had, but it was two months strong and looked promising for the future.

"Graeme and I talked about it, and we thought it would be nice to have a dinner party, just the four of us." Nick frowned at the expression on Kevin's face. "You don't think so?"

"Not that I don't think so.. just... are you sure?"

Nick grinned and rolled his eyes. "It's okay Kev. I'm not going to break and go fucking psycho. Get over yourself!"

Kevin couldn't help but laugh at that .

"He just wants to get to know you both. God, he's heard so much about you and I just think it would be good closure to have the two of you come over for dinner with us. Sort of us all coming to grips with the fact that we're over. At least you and I and Justin and I are over anyways."

"Oh fuck. He probably thinks we have horns and a tail. God knows what you've been filling his head with, how badly we've treated you."

"Seriously," Nick shook his head, chuckling softly. Surprisingly enough Nick had managed to keep from filling Graeme's head with horror stories. He knew everything, but Nick had been very objective in telling the story. If anything, Graeme was curious to meet them. "How's Sunday?"

Sunday was a fine day for their dinner party. The evening went off pretty much without a hitch, the party taking place at Nick's house. Justin and Kevin arrived at around 5pm, bottles of wine in hand.

Justin hated him immediately. Kevin was impressed at the man's beauty. Graeme knew the instant he opened the door he had his work cut out for him. Nick was oblivious to everything except how the food was doing. He hadn't cooked something like this in so long that he was afraid he'd burn everything.

Conversation at dinner was slightly awkward but everyone made do. Kevin was a little annoyed at Justin's icy cold reception to Graeme, and if Graeme himself noticed anything, he was too polite to say anything. It was on their drive home that Kevin questioned Justin's mood.

"What was that?"

"What?" Justin crossed his arms over his chest, staring sullenly out the window sulking.

"Why the fuck were you so bitchy all night? What is your problem?"

"You didn't think he was an idiot? I don't trust him." Justin deflected the attention off of himself to Graeme, hoping Kevin wouldn't pry too deep into his dislike for the other man. There had been nothing actually wrong with him, Justin just didn't like him. Didn't like how his eyes were a creamy shade of brown he'd never seen before, or how his shaggy light brown hair framed his face angelically with just enough blonde highlights to make his skin glow and accent his cheekbones perfectly. Or how he had a body that rivaled Kevin's for being perfect. He didn't want to think about how Graeme was perfect for Nick in so many ways and was obviously making Nick happy because he hadn't even paid any attention to them all night. His focus had been directly on Graeme, something Justin hadn't been prepared to see. Not at all. He was jealous and, not for the first time, had wondered if he'd made a mistake all those months before. Nick wasn't supposed to be that happy with anyone except him, as
 unfair as that suggestion was. Kevin's hand on his thigh broke him from his thoughts.

"It's okay to be jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

Kevin cocked an eyebrow, not believing his lover for a moment. "You are, and it's okay. I thought you had gotten over him a while ago, but it's hard. It's the first time we've seen him with someone else and..."

"That's not it Kev. I just don't like him. I don't trust him. He'd better not hurt him, or else I'll kill him."

Kevin didn't say a word, knowing that Justin didn't even realize his feelings for Nick. At least not for what they were anyways. It only renewed his hidden fears of Justin's feelings for Nick and where it ultimately left him. Kevin's stomach churned sickly.

"Are you mad at me?" Justin asked, face a mask of concern. The question broke Kevin out of the daze he'd slipped into.

"Why would I be mad?"

Justin shrugged. He was getting some serious vibes from Kevin and wondered if he was angry at his dislike for Graeme. "I don't know. You seem mad. I know he's making Nick really happy, and that's what's important. I guess... I just can't help but feel protective over him. I know we're together and I love you so much, but I can't help but think that Nick feels this way about Graeme because he's rebounding. You know?"

By this time they'd pulled into his driveway. Kevin parked the car before reaching over to pull Justin towards him. "It's okay, Baby. I understand."

Justin allowed himself to fall into Kevin's embrace, burying his face in the older man's shirt. He had too many conflicting thoughts in his mind and didn't know what to make of them. He'd been holding onto feelings for Nick for so long, he didn't know how to let them go. So many times in the past he'd wanted to tell Nick he loved him and was in love with him, but something always kept him from doing that. He would get scared that Nick would reject him that he would remain silent, not voicing his true feelings. And then when Kevin came along everything changed and Justin saw the inner workings of their relationship, and then realized how deep their connection ran. For the first time, Justin was privy to how Nick truly felt for his older band mate and figured he would never have a chance at Nick's heart when Kevin had such a tight hold on him.

And truthfully, he'd fallen a little in love with Kevin along the way too. Hearing Kevin tell him he was in love with him was unexpected and exciting. So when he'd answered yes, he knew he'd done the right thing. Except now he wasn't so sure. He wasn't too sure about anything except he

was more confused now than he ever thought he would be. Should be.

Looking up, Justin saw Kevin watching him with fear in his eyes, joined with insecurity. His lips curled in a shy grin and Justin leaned up to press their mouths together in a comforting kiss. "What's wrong Kev?"

"Do you regret.."

Justin shook his head, not letting Kevin finish his thought.

"Never. I love you Kevin. I love you so fucking much."

Kevin's voice was soft, barely a whisper. He nipped at Justin's ear as he whispered, "show me."

Thoughts of Nick were pushed to the back of Justin's mind as he led Kevin to their bedroom, focused on showing him how much he loved him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~

Flashback: 10 Months AB

Nick felt better than he had in as long as he could remember. They were nearly finished recording the CD and his relationship with Graeme was four months strong. There were times when he felt bad that he couldn't be 100% what he knew the other man needed, but it was in those times that Graeme would pull him close, kiss him softly and tell him that what they had was not only what he needed, but what he wanted. Nick knew it had nothing to do with his money, because Graeme had his own. It wasn't something that was wide spread, none of Nick's friends knowing exactly how wealthy his boyfriend was. Nick knew at the beginning they all assumed Graeme was with Nick for his fame and his money, but if they knew how large Graeme's bank account was, they would have realized that had nothing to do with it. When it all came down to it, Graeme understood Nick. They got each other, which at that moment, made all the difference.

Both men were coming out of stressful, heavy relationships and needed something fun and effortless. Their relationship was just that, effortless. Nick didn't have to worry about anything except enjoying himself when Graeme was around, and the same could be said about Graeme. Nick understood him more than anyone else in his life ever had, and for that he was eternally grateful. They both knew their relationship wasn't a forever one, but at the same time they also knew that when it did end, they would walk away remaining friends, happy for the opportunity to have gotten to know each other so well. Even Chris, who had been highly protective of Nick and equally as threatening to Graeme had to admit that he 'really liked the kid'. Justin's reaction hadn't been as positive, but Nick realized in that minute, he didn't care.

Justin loved Kevin, not him. Nick was still reeling from the pain of that, so he wasn't going to let Justin get in the way of his happiness with Graeme. Once Nick had told the younger man that, he'd noticed a slight change in Justin's attitude, thankful that he wasn't going to make things harder than necessary.

Graeme was out of town for a few days and Nick found himself bored and restless. There were things that he knew he could be doing, but none of those things appealed to him. What he wanted to do was play some basketball. With Justin. Something he hadn't done in ... trying to think back, Nick couldn't remember how long it had been. Before he could contemplate whether or not it was a good idea, Nick was already dialing the phone. His pulse sped up when Justin answered.

"Hello?"

"J, what's up?"

Justin's stomach did a few flip flops and he bit his lip nervously as Nick's voice came clear through the line. It wasn't often anymore that Nick just phoned up randomly, so he figured that there was a specific reason to the call. "Not much. Just chillin."

They made awkward small talk for a little while until both men fell into a familiar conversation back and forth, just talking about everything and nothing all at once. It was something they used to do long ago, when both were bored on the road and had nothing to do and no one to do it with. Nick made himself comfortable on his bed while Justin had long since curled up on the couch. Finally, Nick confessed to his reason for calling.

"So I was kinda bored right, and thought maybe we could play some ball. It's been a while."

Justin's lip curled into a grin as the thought of playing ball with Nick ran through his mind. It had been a long time and he'd been severely lacking in his Nick time as of late. Not that he didn't understand why Nick had been staying away, he was justified in keeping his distance, it just didn't make it hurt any less. At that moment, Justin would jump at any excuse to spend time with Nick. He couldn't help but asking though, "Is Graeme coming?"

"Uh, nah. He's out of town for a few days. Just me. What about Kev? I heard something about him going to New York.."

"Yeah, visiting Kris. Thought it would be nice to surprise her."

"And you didn't go?"

Justin sighed and Nick picked up on the sound immediately. "No, I don't think she particularly likes me. Made it clear I was invited, but not welcome. I think she secretly wished he'd have picked you."

Nick paused for a moment, his next sentence out before he'd even registered it. "Doesn't mean I'd have picked him."

Justin's skin pricked with awareness as he felt his heart leap to his throat. Questions of what Nick meant by that filled his head, but he was unable to voice a single one. As much as he wanted to know, he didn't. That time had long since passed and some things were better left unsaid.

Weren't they?

Justin didn't know anymore. Thankfully, Nick kept talking.

"But then again, that doesn't matter now, any of it. It makes no difference who I wanted, because you're both together now and happier than you were when it was the three of us, so I can't complain." Nick felt the need to backpedal his way out of the hole he'd dug for himself. He hadn't intended on voicing that last thought, and especially hadn't intended on having Justin find out that he'd picked him. It was nice to hear that Kris had been offended on his behalf. He hadn't expected it, but was nice to know none the less.

"Why doesn't it matter? I mean, of course it matters Nick, your feelings weren't entirely discounted." Even as he said the words, Justin didn't believe them. He could only imagine how Nick felt and it was probably just that, that his feelings had been discounted seeing no one had even asked him what he wanted.

"I'm just saying," Nick really didn't want to get into this now, not when he was doing so well with moving on. "I'm happy with Graeme now, you're happy with Kevin. That's what's important. Not what could have been, we have to live with what is."

Justin took a deep, cleansing breath. He knew Nick was right but couldn't quite make his heart believe it. He was beginning to feel he was in over his head right now, with being just friends with Nick. "I agree. So basketball?" The focus was now to get things back on steady grounds.

Justin reminded him of his original reason to call and Nick grinned. "Exactly, you wanna?"

"Of course. It's been a while. Our usual place?"

"Give me an hour."

Both men hung up the phone with thoughts of the afternoon ahead of them on their minds. Nick was thankful that he'd managed to get himself under control to the point where he could spend time with Justin without it being detrimental to his emotional well being. He'd successfully moved to the phase where he could be friends with the younger man, without getting wistful for more. He appreciated having what little of Justin's time and heart that he did.

Justin on the other hand was going through turmoil. Immense turmoil. He had to remind himself that it wasn't anything more than a game of basketball between two friends. Nick was just a friend now, something that even after nine months, he hadn't come to terms with. Nick was with Graeme now, he was with Kevin. Except that he wasn't so sure it was enough any more. He should have long since gotten over feelings for Nick, or at least they should have dimmed down a little bit. Except they hadn't, in fact, being apart from Nick had only intensified them. Something Justin hadn't been ready to deal with.

Before he could think too hard about it, the phone rang. Figuring it was Nick forgetting something he answered with a laugh. "What now?"

"I just wanted to call my baby and tell him I miss him." Kevin's voice startled Justin, causing for his heart to work double time. Suddenly, Justin was racked with guilt for even thinking the way he had been. He had Kevin, who loved him so much and had been through so much with and for him, and was thinking about someone else, in his mind pretty much being unfaithful to the older man.

"I miss you too Kev," Justin fought to keep his voice steady in hopes that he wouldn't alarm his lover. Thankfully, he was successful. "When are you coming home?" He thought maybe he'd be safer when Kevin returned and his mind was not as free to wander to what he shouldn't be wanting but couldn't help but think about.

"Day after tomorrow. Pick me up at the airport?"

"Of course."

They spoke for a few more minutes until Kevin announced he had to go. Justin returned Kevin's loving sentiments and hung up, knowing he had to leave immediately if he wanted to meet Nick in good time. It was only as he was driving towards 'their' courts that Justin fully realized how confused he was and that with each passing day, his feelings for Nick were not going to be swept under the rug.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Flashback: 13 Months AB

The day started out strange, so for it to escalate to the heights it did, shouldn't have surprised Justin at all. It all began when his alarm clock, which he'd distinctly remembered setting and rechecking twice the night before didn't go off. He had an interview for Rolling Stone not to mention a photo shoot for that exact interview, both of which he was supposed to arrive at the studio at 9:30 am for. It was 9:20 when his cell phone rang, waking him up.

The day hadn't gotten any less stressful after that, Justin playing catch up the whole day. It was as if each time he finally caught a grip on the day, it would slide just out of reach. Justin was plagued all day with the general feeling of being out of sorts and he couldn't wait to get home, crawl in the bathtub and soak off of the stress of the day.

It was long after he had to be anywhere and was on the familiar path to his house when before he realized it, Justin had taken a wrong turn and was heading towards someone else's house. Nick's house. Subconsciously, his mind knew he needed his best friend, if not just to assure him that everything was fine and tomorrow would be better. Justin couldn't have anticipated what the visit would result in.

"Hey, you busy?" Justin asked shyly, aware that it was nearly ten in the evening. "I don't want to be interrupting..."

Nick smiled, shaking his head. "Nah. Just about to go swimming. Wanna come with?"

"What about Graeme?" Justin still hadn't gotten over his issues with Nick's boyfriend, yet as much as he disliked him, he was embarrassed by his feelings because he knew they were unfounded. Justin tended to simply stay away from the other man, limiting their contact with one another. Graeme fully respected that idea and, in fact, was thankful for it.

"Out. His sister's getting married and they've gone out to do wedding stuff. It's just me."

Justin felt a rush of excitement flow through his body and he tried to keep his emotions at bay. Rightfully, he shouldn't be this happy at getting Nick alone, not to mention the thought in his head that if something happened, no one would ever find out about it. With a shake of his head, Justin mentally cursed himself. He loved Kevin, Nick loved Graeme. Nick would have picked Kevin had he been given the choice. Justin had lost Nick forever.

As the night wore on, Justin found he couldn't let go of that single thought, of Nick picking Kevin. In the beginning, he didn't let himself think too much about it for the sole reason that there was no need to, the decision had been made and what was done had been done. It was when his own feelings towards the blonde did not disappear as he would have thought they would, that he realized he needed to know. He couldn't help but wonder if things would have been different had they all voiced their opinions and desires in the matter. Had any one of them been given a choice. Finally it was too much for his mind to take and he decided to get to the bottom of it.

"Nicky? Can we talk?" Justin asked softly. They were in the pool, Justin leaning against the wall of the shallow end while Nick floated, staring up at the sky.

The hair on the backs of Nick's arms stood up and a chill raced down his spine. Nick knew immediately that it was serious and found his footing before wading to the wall opposite to Justin. "Of.. of course." He couldn't even imagine what Justin wanted to talk about.

"There's just something I need to know..." As hard as it was and as much as he wanted to look anywhere but, Justin forced himself to stare directly into Nick's eyes as he spoke. "And.. I'll understand if you don't want to talk about it, but we haven't really... we just skirt around it..."

Nick swallowed thickly, feeling his stomach churn. "What do you want to know J?"

That day... who... at Chris' house..." Justin waited until he saw Nick nod in understanding before continuing. "Who would you have chosen?"

All of the work Nick had done to distance himself away from that day was shattered as Nick immediately found himself in that day, the heartbreak and the pain overwhelming him once more. Only this time he was prepared for it and was able to look at it objectively. He could see the pain and the fear in Justin and Kevin's eyes. That pain and fear was mirrored in Justin's eyes at that exact moment, as he watched him from across the pool, waiting for Nick's answer. He could see it wasn't done maliciously and for the first time since replaying it in his mind's eye from start to finish, he found he wasn't crying. Nick exhaled the breath he'd been holding and rubbed his face wearily. "Why? It won't change anything." Nick was slightly curious as to where this was coming from, especially a year later. Not once had either of them asked who he would have chosen and Nick took that as neither of them caring. More issues Nick had been dealing with since that day.

"I'm not asking for it to change anything," Justin said, not believing a word of it himself. He knew exactly why he was asking, he just refused to acknowledge it. If there was a slight chance that Nick would have chosen him it could possibly change everything, although Justin refused to get too far ahead of himself. Right now he just needed to know once and for all. "I just want to know."

"Why now?"

"Because I think we're finally at a place that we can discuss this without it wrecking us. I've always been curious but never felt I was entitled to ask. And... well lately, I can't get it out of my head. There are so many things that I would like to go back and change, do differently, and not even hearing how you felt has bothered me for thirteen months. Thirteen months and four days to be exact."

The fact that Justin was still counting the days gave Nick a ray of hope. Kevin had not once wanted to know who Nick would have chosen, and if he did want to know, he wouldn't have admitted to it. But in that moment, there was something in the air between them that gave Nick the impression that there was something weighing in the balance. That thought scared him just a little. Instantly, Graeme's beautiful face flashed before Nick's eyes along with random memories of them together, which was followed shortly by Kevin's face donned with the love he had for Justin. Nick seriously contemplated whether or not he should answer Justin's question. Blinking, he looked into the younger man's eyes, shocked at the depth of emotion there. He couldn't not tell him the truth. "I..."

"Please Nicky, I need to know. Either way."

"This isn't a good idea J. We've all hurt so much and I don't want to be the cause for more pain... it's not fair to anyone."

"Was it fair to you a year ago when we didn't even let you say your piece? Was it fair that you were cast aside, forgotten for our own selfishness? Nothing is ever fair." Both men were surprised at the emotion in Justin's words, the power with which he spoke them.
"It doesn't mean..."

"Why are you avoiding the question? What don't you want me to know?"

Nick sighed, he'd hesitated in telling Justin once how he truly felt, and here he was hesitating again. The time to run was over and Nick had to face his feelings. "You."

"You don't want me to know me?"

"No. My choice. It was you."

Justin felt as though someone had kicked him in the stomach. His jaw dropped and the water was suddenly freezing cold, causing for his whole body to tremble and shiver. Looking up, he saw the truth in Nick's eyes and the honesty in his smile. The blonde shrugged and hoisted himself out of the pool, grabbing the towel he'd left on a wicker chair nearby. "I.." Justin couldn't even think let alone speak.

"Yeah, J. You. Tell Kevin I'm sorry." With that, Nick slowly walked into the house, his whole body feeling like an open nerve ending, raw and sensitive. He hadn't expected Justin to follow him, but moments later Nick could hear him searching the house for him.

It took Justin a few minutes, but eventually he found Nick curled up on the couch in the basement, towel wrapped protectively around him. All thoughts of Kevin had vanished from his mind and he could only process the fact that Nick had chosen him. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Nick looked up. He wasn't angry, just tired. There was no fight left in him. "When he admitted he wanted you, you barely flinched. You didn't pause or hesitate, just accepted it. What was I supposed to do?"

"Fight?"

Nick raised his eyebrows comically. "Excuse me, had I even voiced a desire to fight, you two wouldn't have heard it. Ten seconds after you'd agreed the two of you were already so engrossed with one another that nothing I would have said would have mattered, not to mention you didn't exactly seem all that interested in hearing my choice."

Justin wanted to argue with Nick's observation but knew he couldn't. Had they been interested, scratch that, had HE been interested he would have forced Nick to say something about his own decision but he'd already been thinking about Kevin and the fact Kevin had chosen him. Nick was right. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Are you happy with him? Have you been happy?"

Justin nodded, refusing to voice the thoughts hiding in the back of his mind. "Yes."

"Do you regret your choice?"

"No", Justin answered, while his mind screamed 'sometimes'. It wasn't that he regretted choosing Kevin, because he didn't. He loved Kevin, but Kevin wasn't Nick and that's who he felt he belonged with. For the longest time he tried to convince himself that Kevin was what he ultimately wanted, but the recent past had shown him he was fooling himself. Justin felt more confused and upset than ever, unsure of where to go. Nick's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Well good then." Nick closed his eyes and listened carefully to his heart and the rambling in his mind. He had more to get off of his chest and this was his only opportunity to do so. "But I do want you to know J, I love you. I loved you thirteen months and four days ago, and I still love you now. I blame myself for losing you to Kevin because there is no one else to blame. When you and B broke up, I should have told you then. I wanted so badly to tell you then that I love you so much and wanted to be what you needed, but I was afraid. We were just 'fuck buddies', out for a good time together. It wasn't serious, or at least we were telling ourselves it wasn't serious but for me... I fell so hard in love with you. And I know now that had I just told you that then, maybe I would have had a chance at your heart. But I didn't.. and then Kevin came along and Paris.. and it just snowballed out of my control and when I was finally ready to tell you, you'd already fallen in love with
 Kevin." Nick paused as a few tears rolled down his cheek.

Justin stood in the middle of the room, arms hanging at his sides, towel wrapped around his waist. He wanted to cry but was too shocked at Nick's admission to do so.

"What hurt the most was watching you with him, knowing I can't hate him because he means so much to me, but hating him anyways because he has what I've always wanted. I'm sorry for breaking this to you now, for not telling you before but I couldn't. I shouldn't even be doing it now because it is killing me. But I thought you should know. I know it doesn't change anything, but ..."

"It changes everything." The words were out before Justin could stop them and Nick recoiled as if he'd been slapped.

"It can't. I didn't tell you so that you would go back to Kevin.."

"You don't understand Nick. For the past few months I've been questioning my decision to make things work with Kevin. Something has always been missing and I could never figure out what it was. And then you came back and we started being friends again and I realized it was.."

"Don't you dare say it was me."

"I can't lie to myself any longer."

Nick stood up, shaking his head. "No." Somewhere in the back of his mind, Nick knew that Justin wouldn't make any rash decisions but he still couldn't have this weight on his conscience. If Justin was unhappy with Kevin, he was going to have to deal with that on his own. His confession was not going to be the thing that broke up their relationship. Nick wasn't going to allow it. "You can't do this. You can't all of a sudden decide that since you found out I love you.."

"See, you love me. Do you still love me?"

Nick blushed, averting his eyes. "Yes. I'll always love you J. But I won't do this to Kevin. Or Graeme. If you have issues, you and Kevin need to work them out. But don't bring me into this. Don't forget, Kevin didn't choose all on his own that day. You chose him too."

A few moments passed and Nick stood up. He approached Justin and placed his hands on the younger man's shoulders. There was a moment when he felt himself falling into the depths of Justin's eyes and he blinked to break the spell. "I think you should go," he suggested, ignoring the look of pain on Justin's face.

"I.." Justin knew Nick was right, it was time for him to go before he said or did something he would regret. He had a lot of thinking to do, not only about Nick but about himself and Kevin. "Thank you for telling me."

Nick shrugged. "I should have done it a long time ago. I'll see you later." With that, he walked out of the room, confident that Justin could let himself out. In the span of a few hours, everything had changed and Nick knew that he too had a lot of thinking to do.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Flashback: 15 Months AB

It had been two months since Justin's whole world was once again thrown into turmoil. In those two months, Nick and Graeme had endured a very amicable break up, which pleased and depressed Justin equally. Neither had been all too forthcoming with information on the details of the split, but Justin had gotten from a few unnamed sources that they both agreed it had been fun while it lasted but romance was not in their future. There just seemed to be something about Nick that made you want to stay friends with him, even after you'd broken up with him. Justin thought back to all of Nick's exes, realizing that yes, for the most part they were his inner circle of best friends. Justin admired that about the blonde.

It was also in that frame of two months that Justin had done a lot of thinking about his life. About his decisions, past, present and future and where ultimately his head was at. He hadn't spoken at length with Nick since that night, a move that was active on both of their parts. There was residual awkwardness and neither were all together comfortable with what might occur if given the opportunity. Justin was still with Kevin, despite how strained the relationship was becoming and Nick was romantically unattached. Justin didn't trust himself to be in a room with Nick and behave, so he naturally stayed as far away as possible.

It was at a point though, that Justin couldn't take any more. Kevin was more than accommodating, but even that was weighing heavily on Justin's mind. The older man was doing whatever it took to make the relationship work, despite the fact that Justin was doing whatever it took to NOT. He couldn't ignore the voice in his head that was telling him to be honest with Kevin about his feelings, ending the pain for both of them.

"Kev?" Justin looked over at his lover who was working on his laptop at the kitchen table.

There was something in the tone of his voice that caused for Kevin to look up and his stomach to drop with dread. He'd known for a while that their relationship wasn't working out, despite his efforts to keep them together. It was a losing battle, one that Kevin refused to acknowledge. He had a feeling that he wasn't going to be able to turn a blind eye so easily. Judging from the expression on Justin's face, Kevin's suspicions were validated.

"What's wrong?"

"Tomorrow night? What are you doing?"

"Meeting with the guys and Johnny. Why?"

Justin hadn't wanted to do it spur of the moment. He wanted to have the discussion when they were both ready and had time to prepare for it. Now he wasn't so sure that was going to be possible. "I think... it's just there are things I think we should talk about and..."

Kevin clicked a few keys on the keyboard and saved what he was working on. He'd been waiting for this moment for some time now, although subconsciously, and it looked like the time had arrived. He couldn't stop the wave of disappointment that overwhelmed him. It was over. Justin's mind was already made up, that much Kevin could see, and nothing would be able to stop him. At the same time, Kevin wondered if it was worth saving. He loved Justin, loved him more than anyone else in his life but at the same time he recognized the fact that Justin didn't love him equally. There was someone else in the younger man's heart and Kevin had tried for fifteen months to compete with that man. It just wasn't possible. The pain in his chest intensified and he could feel his heart breaking a little at a time.

"We can discuss it now, Babe. I think it's time." Kevin stood up and crossed the room to sit on the couch next to Justin. "It's been a long time coming..." He let his sentence trail off as his voice trembled.

In that moment, Justin realized Kevin knew what was going on. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and blinked back tears. "I'm so sorry."

"For what J, tell me what you're sorry for. Talk to me." Kevin was pleading for Justin to open up, it had been so long since he'd actually shared his thoughts and feelings with Kevin. He'd been so closed off lately and nothing Kevin had been able to say or do would make a difference. "I just want to know what's going on with you."

"I... I love you Kevin, you have to know that I do. But this... this isn't what I want. This isn't making me happy and I thought it would, I thought I could push everything out and be happy with you.. I thought I could forget but I can't."

"Forget what, Baby?"

"I love him. I thought I didn't, I thought it was just... I don't even know. And when you said you loved me and wanted to be with me I was so happy. Never in a million years did I think you'd pick me, so I didn't even hesitate in saying yes. I wanted it so much, wanted you. I was so happy you'd chosen me that I couldn't think about anything else. And we were so happy in the beginning, nothing mattered except you and me, but then he came back into our lives. Came back and all my feelings returned."

Kevin whimpered as tears fell down his cheeks. He knew, deep in the back of his mind he knew Justin was in love with Nick. It explained why he'd been so hurt at Nick's pain, why he'd hated Graeme so much and why he couldn't just let go of the blonde. "Does he know?" Kevin sighed with relief when Justin shook his head. He'd hate to think that Nick and Justin had been together behind his back.

"No. I wouldn't do that to you Kev, and neither would he. I've stayed away from him for that sole purpose. But the time away from him again has just shown me how much I need him. I don't even know if he still wants me.."

"He broke up with Graeme."

"A month and a half ago, Kevin. So much time has passed and... I don't even know anymore. All I know is that whether or not he loves me back, I can't stay with you and pretend that I'm not thinking about him. That I don't love him."

"What if he doesn't want to be with you?"

"Then that's something I have to live with, but it's not fair for me to stay with you when my heart and mind is somewhere else. You deserve more than what I'm giving you right now Kevin. We both know that."

It hurt to hear Justin speak the words he'd been thinking so often. There had been an invisible wall between them for so long Kevin couldn't remember when it started, but he'd ignored it because he loved Justin. He loved him and would do anything for him, but it had come to a point where he couldn't do it anymore. He'd fought the good battle, but in the end, lost it. "I love you so much." Kevin's voice was barely a whisper.

Justin blinked back tears, nodding his head in shame. "I know, Baby. And I love you too. Just not how you need me to. I hate hurting you. I hate knowing that it's because of me you're in so much pain right now." Justin could see the pain in Kevin's eyes and leaned forward to press their lips together. "I'm in pain too and I wish I could make it stop."

"You can't. Right now, no one can."

Justin crawled onto Kevin's lap and held him tight as they both cried into each other's throats. Their arms were wrapped tightly around one another and they clung to each other desperately. "Please don't hate me Kevin. Please.. I couldn't take it if you hated me."

Kevin shook his head, "I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I hate this situation, but..." Kevin paused to catch his breath. "Do you regret..."

Justin's eyes opened wide. "How could you even ask me that? Of course I don't regret anything. Every minute I spent with you has been so special. You've shown me so much more than I ever thought I could learn, felt so much more than I thought I could feel. No matter what happens from here on in, I will always be so honoured and thankful that you chose me. Do you even know how much that means to me?"

Kevin pressed his face into Justin's tee shirt covered chest, refusing to answer. Justin pushed at his shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eyes.

"I'm serious. I can't even tell you how happy you've made me. How important you are to me. You will always have a piece of my heart that no one else will touch, tell me you know that."

"I just.."

"No. Tell me."

"Thank you. I.. I know."

Justin's heart broke at the situation, hating that even after all this time, they were still finding ways to hurt each other so much. "I love you Kevin."

"I love you too J. So fucking much." They clung to one another, desperate for the contact when finally Kevin spoke, voicing the thoughts in his head. "So, are you going to go to him."

Justin shook his head sadly. "No. I'm not."

That answer surprised Kevin. He pulled back a little to look at Justin's face. "Why?"

"I need time alone. I need to remember who I am and find out what I want. I'm not thinking clearly at all, and I don't want to make any decisions either way."

Kevin felt relief that Justin wasn't going to go straight to Nick's bed, to Nick's arms. It was comforting to know that he wasn't being cast aside so easily. It would have been too much to know that he was that easy to get over.

"Can I.." Justin said softly, refusing to look at Kevin's eyes. "...maybe.. stay tonight? With you?"

Kevin knew he should create at least a little distance between the two of them, but he couldn't deny that he wanted desperately just that, Justin to be with him that night. He deserved at least one more night with the younger man before having to face the fact that they'd just broken up. "Of course, Baby. You can stay as long as you want."

Justin sighed in relief. Tomorrow he'd worry about leaving. Worry about having to muster up the strength to gather what he could and walk away from one of the most amazing men in the entire world, knowing that Kevin loved him like no other. He'd finally made the decision that he'd been battling with for some time, now it was just finding the strength to live with that decision when the sun came up, and knowing that whether or not Nick still loved him, he couldn't go back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Flashback: 16 Months AB

Nick had heard from AJ who had heard from JC that Justin and Kevin had broken up. Of course, that had been a month ago and Nick wasn't sure at the time how to feel. He was upset that they were going through it, and secretly happy that Justin was single again, and afraid that it didn't mean what he'd hoped it meant. That thought of course led to guilt that he might have been responsible for Justin breaking Kevin's heart, which tore him up inside and out.

It took Kevin calling Nick with the information and the two of them getting together for a few drinks to discuss it for Nick's conscience to be relieved of the guilt. As much as it might have had to do with him, it didn't and Kevin didn't hold a grudge against either of them. He knew Justin was hurting as much as he was, probably more and was concerned because the younger man had effectively gone into hiding.

Despite the fact he had a tour he just started.

Except for the times he was on stage or at rehearsals or sound checks, Justin was practically invisible, had disappeared almost entirely and, as JC had informed both Kevin and Nick, 'was working out what was going on in his fucked up mind'.

All three of them were an emotional wreck.

Kevin finally realized the extent to the pain Nick had endured a year and a half earlier, and Nick spent many a night on the phone with Graeme, discussing what was going on and how he felt about it. He figured that he'd long since lost any chance with Justin and the younger man would be seeking a relationship with someone who didn't have as much emotional baggage as he did. Nothing could have prepared Nick for opening his door one night at two thirty in the morning to find Justin standing in front of him, looking exhausted and drained. Nick's heart was in his throat immediately.

"J? What's going on?"

"I was wondering if maybe..." Justin looked around nervously, visibly unaware of the fact it was the middle of the night and Nick had been sleeping. "... Possibly, you might want to go out sometime."

Nick's brain was working slow from being asleep and he thought he was hearing things. "What?"

"I've spent the last month thinking and realizing that I fucked up what was the best relationship I could ever have."

Nick wondered if he'd been talking about their relationship or his and Kevin's. He chose not to ask.

"And I know we're going to have to start from the beginning, but I want to try. If you still do of course. And the beginning is a date. Where we get together and make small talk and worry about whether or not the other person is as into us as we are into them. So, you wanna maybe go on a date?"

"J, It's the middle of the night."

"I didn't mean now. Just... maybe tomorrow?"

Nick was battling conflicting emotions but the tremble in Justin's lower lip, the fear in his eyes tugged at his heart and he knew it was useless trying to deny it. "I'd love to."

"We'll start out slow. I can't move any faster than that." Justin felt the need to warn Nick. He'd thought that ending his relationship with Kevin would be easy, but in the end, he hadn't realized how much he'd truly loved the older man. He'd been through hell and back the past month, wondering what was wrong with him and why he couldn't figure out what he wanted. Just when he'd thought he had everything figured out, something else would be thrown in the mix and Justin found himself back at square one, without any idea of what to do. "I just... I'm so confused and scared.."

Nick saw Justin's eyes water and he pulled him inside and into his arms. "It's okay, J." It was then that Nick realized that Justin was supposed to be on tour and not standing on his doorstep in the middle of the night. "Why didn't you phone? Shouldn't you be in..."

"New York, I was in New York City. Finished the show and went straight to the airport. We're off till day after tomorrow." Justin looked into Nick's eyes, searching for something. What? He wasn't sure. "I had to see you, to touch you." He cupped Nick's face in his hand. "To apologize for everything, but ask for a second chance."

Nick didn't have to think twice about it, of course he would give Justin a second chance. And a third and fourth and fifth. However many chances it took for them to get it right. Nothing else mattered in that moment, not Kevin, not Graeme, not anything. What mattered was that Justin was standing before him, looking at him with a familiar look of love and anxiety, hoping that he hadn't lost everything.

He hadn't.

"Oh, J." Nick tightened his hold on Justin, afraid to let go for fear of him disappearing and this all being a dream. "Yes. I'd love a date, and I'd love to try again. This time, we'll get it right."

There would be no pressures, no assumptions. They would take things a day at a time, making sure that they were completely honest, not only with each other but themselves as well. They had been through far too much to risk losing it all again now.

"Good. I'll pick you up at noon? We'll do lunch and then play the rest of the day by ear." Justin backed up, heading down the porch stairs towards his car. He knew better to expect an invitation to spend the night. He was going to do things properly and court Nick. Make the effort to show them both that he was serious.

"What time does your flight leave?"

"Gotta be back in NYC by seven am for a radio interview. So I'll be leaving tomorrow night around midnight."

Nick nodded, pleased at how the night had played out. He'd long since given up on the possibility of Justin coming back to him, but here it was, a year and a half later almost and everything had changed. Except his feelings for Justin which, if Nick allowed himself to dare to hope, might be returned. He still loved him as much as he did that day, but it was slightly different now. Then, he didn't think he could live without Justin, now he knew he could. That changed everything, most likely, for the better.

They would just have to find out. One day at a time, hour by hour, minute by minute.

As they both stood on Nick's porch, the light from the inside foyer casting them in a glow that was bright against the dark night, both men realized it was the start of a new day. One that had been a long time coming.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kevin shudders as the memories flood and overwhelm him. He's seen Justin from time to time since that last morning when he'd watched the younger man walk out of his house, looking back only once, but it still hurts. Three months and the wounds still feel as fresh as they did that day. Then again, he hasn't taken the steps necessary to start moving on. Watching them right now, oblivious to everything beyond the two of them, Kevin thinks that tonight is the perfect night. Why put off till tomorrow, what can be done today. Especially when it is only causing him pain. Chris is still at his side, alternating between watching Justin and Nick, and watching him. Kevin wants to tell him to leave him alone, but surprisingly, he doesn't want that. He's tired of being alone and thinks it's time to do something about it. With a deep, forlorn sigh he turns to look at Chris.

"I'll be right back, don't move."

Chris looks confused, mainly because he is. He's also curious as to why Kevin wants him to stay put. For that reason, he nods his head. "I'll be right here, or at least in this general area."

Kevin nods. He stretches his back and cracks his neck, he's going to need all the composure and strength he's got bottled up inside of him, he makes his move across the crowded room to where Justin and Nick are standing. Neither see him coming until he's already there. "Gentlemen."

Nick's eyes are wide, his face pales. He knows exactly what Kevin is going through in that exact moment and feels guilt eat at him. In time he's sure the guilt will disappear, but he still can't help it. It's been a long two years, but at the same time two of the fastest years he can remember. So much has happened and he's not even sure if they've seen the end. Only time will tell. "Kevin, how are you?"

"Better. Thanks." Kevin smiles at Nick and pulls him close for a half hug, inhaling his sweet but spicy scent. Once more the realization that Nick isn't his any longer hits him. Sometimes that happens, out of the blue he'll revert back to the days of him and Nick, just the two of them, and he gets wistful. Then he remembers that Nick, when faced with an order to choose, chose Justin over him. That hurts almost as much as losing Justin. Especially when he realizes that he has, in fact, lost both of these men. Nick was a hell of a lot stronger than Kevin ever gave him credit for and he hopes that he is holding himself as calmly as Nick did when he and Justin first got together, because this is fucking hard and Kevin knows they're not even sleeping together again. From what AJ has said, Justin and Nick are taking things slowly and getting to know each other on a personal level before taking it to a sexual level. They've been there before and it overshadowed everything else, neither man
 wanted to make that mistake again. That knife slides a little deeper than Kevin would like to admit because that means it's serious and that there is no way Justin will come back to him.

"I've been trying to get a hold of you," Justin says, hurt evident in his voice. He never wanted Kevin to cut him out of his life completely, but that was what had happened. Justin can only hope that Kevin will come around and they will be able to salvage their friendship.

"I know. I've been..."

"Busy, I know. I just wanted to get together. Spend some time with you and see how you're doing."

Kevin shakes his head and tries to give Justin the softest smile he can muster up. "I know, J. And I want that too. Just not yet." He knows he's going to have to be able to get used to it, he can't expect them to not be together in front of him. But it still hurts a little too much right now to handle it. Or at least it had, this is going to mark the time of a new Kevin and he's going to get over this if it kills him. It's either work it out or avoid both men forever, and as he looks at them watching him anxiously, he knows it's not even an option.

"So, what's up?" Nick's eyes move past Kevin to where Chris is watching intently. They share a smile and Nick feels his stomach flip. He winks at the older man, blushing at the seductive lick of his lips Chris replies with. He's grateful that out of all of this mess, his relationship with Chris has only gotten stronger. He would have died without that man in his life for the past year and a half.

"I just came to tell you that I'm heading out. I'm sort of tired and I've put my time in, so good night and I'll talk to you both soon. I promise." Kevin pulls Nick in for a hug, patting him softly on the back. Before he can pull away, he whispers into Nick's ear, "I'm happy for you, Baby. You're glowing and I think this was always how it was supposed to be. You hurt him and I'll kill you, but I love you anyways."

Nick pulls away, fighting off the tears that are threatening. He knows exactly what Kevin's saying and respects the fact that he can do it without punching him in the face. God knows Nick had wanted to when the positions were reversed. "I love you too, Kevin. Take care of yourself and CALL ME. And I don't mean for Backstreet shit. Call me for Nick and Kevin shit."

Kevin nods before moving to Justin, who is standing, staring at him as if caught in headlights. Before he can stop himself, Kevin pulls him near and holds him tight, as if trying to inhale Justin's essence and fill himself with it. "I love you," is all he can muster up before pulling away and smiling at them both. He won't give Justin a chance to answer because he doesn't want to know what he's going to say. That time has passed and he's sure they'll hash it out when it's not so fresh in his heart.

"Night Kev," both Justin and Nick speak, their grins trembling slightly.

"Night."

Kevin walks back across the room, head high and back straight. He's proud of himself and feels a bit of the weight falling off of his shoulders. Chris is smiling at him oddly and he sits down before letting the breath he'd been holding, out.

"Good job, Kevin. You handled yourself very well." Chris can see the emotion on both Nick and Justin's faces and it's plain to see how much they love the broken man sitting before him. At the same time though, he can see the love they have for each other, which is uncontested. Neither he nor Kevin ever had a chance. That thought still, after all of this time, causes Chris' heart to tear just a little. It was time for some action.

"Well you know Kev..." Chris changes the subject, putting his hand on Kevin's thigh comfortingly. He laughs when Kevin's eyebrow raises in question. "I was thinking maybe it's time to get out of here, you wanna come?"

"I don't mean to be rude, Chris..." Kevin started, trying to put what was on his mind in the nicest terms possible. "But you're still not my type. That hasn't changed."

Chris can't help but laugh hysterically, garnering attention from those around him. "Uhh, no. I'm sorry, I might be desperate, but not that desperate."

The expression on Chris' face is priceless and Kevin finds himself laughing, thankful for the diversion. His laughter becomes infectious until they're both nearly crying, sides splitting. When he can talk again, Chris speaks. "I don't want that. God, you're such a loser. You got anywhere you need to be?"

"Not for a few days yet. We start rehearsals for the tour Monday. Why?"

"I was thinking road trip. Vegas? We've both got money, so that makes the gambling fun. We're both relatively good looking men, so sex won't be a problem. I need to get away from here, and you surely need to get out. I doubt you've done anything but mope for the past three months. What do you say?"

The idea is tempting but Kevin has no idea where it's coming from. "Why? Why me? We're not friends?"

Chris raises an eyebrow. "Aren't we? Hmmm. I thought we were."

Kevin rethinks it and realizes that somewhere along the way he had become friends with Chris, without even really realizing it. He can't help but wonder what else he'd missed in the past two years. With one look to Nick and Justin, Kevin knows he does need to get out of there, and Vegas doesn't sound so bad. Even if it is with Chris, who as he takes another look at the other man, is still not his type. Not THAT much had changed. He's thankful that Chris is looking at him with that same platonic look in his eyes.

A relationship is not what he needs right now.

Reckless fun is.

"Vegas, here we come."

FINIS

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