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Title: You Can't Love Someone Without Breaking A Few Hearts
Author: Jules
Part: 1/1
Series: 9 of One Way Or Another Series
Series Hosted At: Just In Dreams and Tango's Backstreet Obsession
Pairing: Nick/Kevin/Justin
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Fiction. Yeah. Fiction.
Warnings: Slash warning. Bigroupal warning. Angst warning.
Notes: I swear I cried writing this. I make no promises you will still like me after you see what I've done. Links above take you directly to page this story is hosted on.

~*~*~*

It started out as a day like any other. There had been no sign foretelling the angst, the drama or the pain that would unfold and Nick really wished there would have been some type of warning. That way they might have been a little more prepared for things. It was hard to say what started it, or how things snowballed so quickly but when push came to shove, all three men knew it was coming. It was always just a matter of when. And how. And ultimately, who. The why was never an issue although they'd put off the discussion as long as humanly possible. The pink elephant that had taken up permanent residence in the room to a point that the awkwardness was normal. Expected. Almost natural.

Nick called the elephant Greed. Greed because that's what they were, greedy. Greedy for wanting two lovers when they knew it was impossible to work. No one wanted to start the conversation because it ultimately led them to the risk that they might be the one left in the dark, that they might not be the one their lover chose. So rather than take the chance of being alone, each of them kept their tongue firmly in check and refused to discuss the thing that was first and foremost in their minds. They pushed back the jealousy, the itch of agitation, the niggling of annoyance of having to share with what they considered, although none would admit it out loud let alone to themselves, the competition.

Somehow though, somehow that elephant started to get restless. What was bearable before was becoming irritating. What they could tolerate was becoming intolerable. Tensions were high and petty arguments were springing up. Something had to be done. None expected it to actually happen, let alone so soon. And the fact that it all happened at Chris' house was just another strange aspect to the whole fucked up situation.

~*~*~*~*~

Justin sighed as he sipped at his beer. He'd woken up that morning restless and needed to get out for a while. The CD was about to drop and Johnny was all up his ass about promotion and PR. What Justin hated most was the fact that he was being treated like a child. Like someone who hadn't released three CDs with NSYNC, well five if you considered the original debut that only made it out in Europe and The Winter Album, as well as his own CD. It was as if the past ten years in the entertainment business meant nothing and Justin was a first time novice that needed to be taught the ropes. He knew exactly what needed to be done and was doing quite well with his responsibilities, thank you very much. So rather than sit at home and dodge calls on his land line and his cell, Justin had left the cell at home, hopped on his bike and rode until a clear path had been made. It wasn't until he found himself at Chris' gated community that he realized where he'd been headed.

"Let me the fuck in," Justin had demanded, grinning as he heard Chris cursing about having to get off the couch. For a second he'd wondered if Chris would make him sit there until whatever he was watching was over, but it was only a few minutes later that the gates opened and he was granted access to the spacious street Chris had taken up residence on.

Although he knew Chris was curious what had brought him to his neck of the woods, Chris hadn't asked and Justin didn't feel like starting the conversation. So here they were, sitting across from one another, drinking Corona despite the fact it was barely noon. "Nice weather." Chris didn't look at the window, his voice uncharacteristically monotone. Justin didn't fail to notice the sarcasm.

"It is actually. Beautiful day for a ride. It's warm, but not hot. Nice breeze and the sky is so clear and blue." Justin loved the way Chris' leg was bouncing, evidence of his irritation. A small part of him was prolonging things just to piss him off. Justin simply smiled, drinking his beer pensively.

With one look at Justin's face Chris knew something big was going on. It wasn't just the fact that he'd come by unannounced, mid morning in the middle of the week when he probably had a million other things to do regarding his new CD. It was the fact that his eyes had lost a little bit of the sparkle that Justin was known for, that the smile didn't quite reach his lips, not the way a real smile would. It was also the absolute fact that Chris knew his best friend better than anyone else in the world, and having seen Justin at all levels of happiness and sadness. He wouldn't push because he knew how much it hurt and how it felt to face an inquisition when thinking about the problem was the last thing you wanted to do, let alone talk about it. Chris hated that sympathetic smile, those empathetic words that meant nothing more than the air it took to breathe them in and vowed to wait until Justin was ready to talk about it before he even took a half step forward in fixing it. So he
 resigned himself to wait until Justin brought it up, no matter how much it hurt.

It took twenty seven minutes and fourteen seconds from the time Justin walked into Chris' house to the moment he started talking. "So... I can't do this anymore." Chris didn't need to ask what Justin was referring to, it was common knowledge between them. The news didn't surprise him as Justin probably assumed it would, Chris had been waiting for this day for months now.

"What does that mean exactly, J?" Chris had to tiptoe around this issue carefully.

Justin let out a deep breath and shut his eyes. He would have loved to shut his mind as well but that was virtually impossible. The voices never seemed to be silent. "It means I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend that I'm not thinking about it every minute, that I'm entirely happy and content with the way things are going. I can't pretend that it doesn't kill me when I see them together, or I think about them together." Justin looked into Chris' eyes, pleading with the older man to help him. He didn't know what help Chris could provide, he just needed something. Anything.

"I'm not surprised Justin, being in a relationship is hard enough most times. But being in a relationship with two people at once, with them in a relationship as well? You three have been asking for trouble from the beginning." Chris watched Justin flinch, apologetic for hurting the younger man but still needing to speak his mind. "I mean, you know I love you, and you know I love Nick.. and Kevin.." Chris shrugged and rolled his eyes, "I have to admit the twerp is growing on me, but you can't have thought this was going to last."

Justin chuckled at Chris' distaste for Kevin before returning to his previous solemn state. "I .. I sorta did."

And he had. In the beginning, Justin had everything worked out and it was going to be fine. He hadn't expected to feel as much for Kevin as he did. Originally, Justin thought that the infatuation with Kevin would die out and they would return to casual acquaintances, brought together only by Nick. Never once did he expect to get together with Kevin without Nick, for the three of them to become so involved and interdependent on one another. Although he and Nick had been involved in their relationship for quite some time, it had only become this intense recently, making Justin realize just how much he felt for the blonde. It was when faced with Kevin, that made Justin take a good look at Nick and what he had with him, showing him everything he'd been so blind from for so long. In other words, Justin was fucked.

Looking at Chris, Justin realized that complaining and crying to him was quite possibly the worst thing to do. Not that Chris wouldn't listen, because Justin knew he would, not only listening to his fears and problems, but offering advice and just giving him moral and emotional support that was going to be crucial. But no, Chris was probably the worst person for Justin to talk to because he'd been in the same situation and lost. And Justin knew how sensitive Chris was and it didn't matter how much time had passed since JC had chosen AJ and not him, it still stung. Justin could understand and respect that, feeling just slightly guilty that he was going to be reopening those wounds.

"Don't do that J, don't fucking look at me like that. I'm not a china doll, I won't break." It was as if Chris knew exactly what he was thinking and Justin blushed in embarrassment. "Yeah, it fucking sucks but it happens. Don't hold back, Kid. Speak your mind."

"I love him. I love him so much and..." Justin inhaled deeply and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "..what if he loves... what if it's not me. What if I make him choose and he doesn't choose me? Then what? I give up what I have now to have nothing? That fucking sucks."

"It does suck J, but you have to make that decision. Do you stay with him knowing you're sharing him and never knowing if he wants you back, or do you pick and find out that you're not the one or you are the one? Is it worth the risk?"

Justin simply didn't know. He wished to god that there was some way to fast forward time to see what happened. That maybe he could be visited by three ghosts or something in the middle of the night, one showing him what would be if he kept quiet about his true feelings. Another showing him if he spoke up and ended up happy, and the last showing him if he spoke up and ended up alone. It would all be easier if there were a fast forward button just for that reason. Justin was stuck between a rock and a hard place. In his heart he knew what he had to do, he just wasn't sure if he had the strength or the bravery to make that step.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Just five minutes Kev, I promise we'll be in and out in no time." Nick flashed Kevin a disgustingly sweet smile as he batted his eyelashes at him innocently. He'd promised Kevin that they would do some work on the remixes for b-sides and yet Nick had been running errands for most of the morning since he'd picked Kevin up.

"If you had all this shit to do Nickolas Gene, why the fuck didn't you just tell me and let me sleep in?" Kevin's voice was more tired than biting and he'd rest his head against the back of the seat, closing his eyes.

Again, Nick flashed him a sweet smile as his hand slid across the seat to rest on Kevin's groin. Nick wiggled his eyebrows as Kevin let out a low growl which wasn't entirely due to annoyance. "Because I wanted to spend this time with you. It's been forever since it's been us alone and I miss you." His sentiments were genuine and he hoped Kevin saw the truth in his eyes. He must have because Kevin didn't complain again.

Most of their time together in the past few weeks was limited to when other people were around. Whether it be the other guys, people at the studio or even Justin, there wasn't a time when it had been just the two of them alone. Nick hadn't realized how much he'd missed it until recently. So when Kevin had suggested they get together alone to do some work on a few songs, Nick jumped at the chance. It didn't matter that they'd be doing work, or were supposed to be doing work anyways, it was still time spent with Kevin.

"So, we're going to Chris' because?" Kevin hadn't been all too clear on why they were going to Chris' house, especially when he seemed to live so far out of their way.

Nick had left his journal at Chris' earlier on in the week and inside he'd written lyrics and chords for a few new songs. He'd been meaning to stop by and pick the book up but hadn't been able to find the time to do so. Figuring that Chris wouldn't have a problem with their unexpected arrival, Nick had failed to call ahead to warn him. "My journal's there and I have some stuff I want you to look at. Plus, it's like my bible man. I feel naked without it."

At the thought of Nick naked Kevin's eyes opened and he raised his eyebrows. Speaking of naked.." It was his hand that slid onto Nick's lap this time, causing for both men to laugh throatily.

"Don't get me started Kev."

Before long they were at Chris' gates, Nick picking up his cell phone to request admittance. It wasn't until they pulled into the driveway that Nick recognized Justin's bike. Looking up at the sky, he wondered if the sun had dimmed just a little, a slight chill felt in the air. A chill ran up his spine as Nick motioned for Kevin to follow, heading up to the front door. Chris met them on the landing.

"Carter, why the visit. Not that I'm complaining." Chris pulled Nick in for a tight hug, pleased to see the blonde. He was slightly surprised at Kevin's appearance but didn't voice his curiosity.

"We're doing some work on the album and I left my journal here. Needed it to show Kev what I've got done, so I thought we'd stop by. We'll be like five minutes."

Chris nodded, waving the two men into the house. "You know where it is. I haven't touched it." Motioning for Kevin to follow him, Chris led the way to the rec room where Justin was watching TV. "We've got guests J."

Justin felt his stomach flutter at the sight of Kevin in the entrance way, his lips curling into a shy grin. "Hey..."

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Seeing Justin was definitely a nice surprise, Kevin not expecting the younger man to be there.

"Needed to get out of my house, so I drove up." Before Justin could say any more, Nick came into the room stopping short when he saw Justin sitting there. A wide grin covered Nick's face and Justin felt a wave of heat flood his body, although whether it was a good heat or not was to be determined. "What are you guys doing here?" There was a tone to Justin's voice that the other three men noticed, creating a veiled tension in the room. "You said you were busy today." The last sentence was directed towards Nick, almost accusing.

Nick shrugged off the negative vibes coming from Justin and nodded his head. "I know. I am."

"Out with Kevin? If you two had plans you should have just said something, not tell me that you're working."

"I forgot my journal here. We are working, we're heading back to his place to work on a few songs. I've got melodies in my head but they're not working to paper as well as I'd hoped. What the fuck J?" Nick really didn't like the frosty attitude Justin was giving him, especially since it was so unnecessary. "Is that okay with you? I didn't realize I had to run my schedule by you ahead of time." He barely recognized the brittle tone in his own voice.

Justin knew how childish he was sounding but didn't care. All that he could see was Nick and Kevin spending time alone together, without him. It didn't matter that he'd spent time with Nick without Kevin, or Kevin without Nick. He hated that feeling of being left on the outside, forgotten. It only reminded him of his insecurities and fears that if he did force them all to make a decision, it wouldn't be him either of them picked to be with. "Don't patronize me Nick. I'm just saying. If you two were planning on spending time together, you don't have to lie about it and tell me you're working. I can handle it."

"Obviously you can't Justin or you wouldn't be throwing this hissy fit. Come on. I got what I needed, we're out of here." Nick turned to thank Chris and tell him he'd be by again soon but realized they were alone in the room. He'd probably figured it safest to escape before things escalated. Nick always thought Chris was a very smart man. Perceptive even. He was halfway to the front door when he realized he was alone. Kevin hadn't followed him out. Turning back Nick paused and crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you coming?"

Kevin shook his head. "I think we need to figure out what the fuck just happened here." He was staring at both of his lovers as if he didn't know them, stunned by the venom in their voices.

"Nothing to figure out Kevin. Just go." Justin's face was a mask of stone, it was easier than letting them see his real emotions.

"No, I'm not going to just go. What is wrong with you?" It came out harsher than he'd intended, but Kevin couldn't understand why Justin seemed so angry with them, with Nick. It wasn't as if they were sneaking around, and it wasn't as if Justin had any right to be upset. Kevin needed answers, they'd been playing with fire for far too long and it was time that they faced up to the unspoken issues they were all trying so hard to ignore.

"What's wrong with me? Oh, it's always me isn't it. I'm always the one with the problems. It's never anyone else. Take his side Kev, you always do. Fuck you both."

Nick's eyes opened wide and he stepped out of the room before reentering in hopes that it was all some bizarre joke. Things had gone from normal to fucked up in less than sixty seconds. He couldn't help but wonder if things would be salvageable once everything was said and done, tensions were running extremely high and nerves were fraying quickly. When he stepped back in he found both Justin and Kevin watching him curiously. Nick shrugged. "I thought maybe I was in an alternate universe or something and if I came back in things would be normal."

Kevin cocked his head in a silent question. Nick shook his head negatively.

"No. Same fucked up world."

Nick's attempt at a joke broke some of the negative air between them causing all three to let out nervous chuckles. It gave them a chance to put their emotions back in check. It was Kevin who continued the conversation, his voice soothing and calm. The last thing they needed was more anger. "We need to talk. Seriously and honestly. Whatever this is, it's fucking us up."

Nick felt his stomach lurch sickly. There was no going back, they were going to do this. They HAD to do this. "I'm sorry," he said, turning to Justin and smiling apologetically. "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Shame filled Justin instantly at Nick's apology and he nodded. It was him that should have been apologizing, not Nick so he told the blonde that. "Thank you. I'm sorry though. I just ...I've been feeling so shitty and when you both got here and you'd said you were working... I just ... Shouldn't have been so bitchy..." Looking at Nick, Justin knew he understood what he was trying to say, even if he couldn't find the right words to express himself. "Kevin's right though. We need to talk."

It was now a matter of finally saying what needed to be said. And dealing with the consequences once it happened.

Nick cleared his throat as he crossed the room. He paced for a few moments, trying to wade through the multitude of thoughts that were circling in his brain. It took looking into both Justin and Kevin's eyes to realize that the words he used didn't have to be perfect. It was what he was trying to say that mattered, not how he said it. With that in mind, he began to speak from his heart.

"I love you both. Love you both more than I've ever loved anyone else in my life. With the exception of Angel, Aaron, Les and Beej, you two are my only true family. I know that if I ever needed you, now or in the future, I can count on you. The other guys, I know they'd want to help but there's a line between wanting to help and helping no matter what, and I know in my heart that you'd help no matter what. And I can't express to you how much that means to me. How good it makes me feel to know that I've got you both in my life and am not alone out there, because there are days that I think I am alone. That no one else understands me and I've truly got no one. I have those days and then I think of you, either of you, both of you, and I feel just a little less alone." Nick paused to take a deep breath and collect his thoughts.

Justin, watching intently, could feel everything Nick was going through. Every emotion, every up and down, high and low. He could feel it with perfect clarity because it was exactly what he was experiencing. That knowledge made him smile fondly at the blonde.

"There are days I don't want to get out of bed, that I just hope I can fall asleep and not have to wake up. I spend so much of my time worrying about everyone else that I can't bear to have to worry about myself. I'd long since given up on any type of true happiness because it is always something that I watch other people have. AJ and Jayce... fuck, even Brian and Leighanne. I see them finding their soul mate and figure that it's just not meant for me. But you.. you show me that life is beautiful and special and worth the trouble and pain it causes me. You show me that I can be happy, I have to make the happiness, not wait for it to find me."

"Oh Nick..." Justin breathed, stopping as Nick held up his hand.

"Let me finish."

Justin nodded, wrapping his arms around his knees protectively, making himself comfortable.

"And I love you both, for so many reasons. Kevin, you've always been there for me when I've needed you. I can barely remember a time without you in my life and it's because I don't want to remember that time. I don't want to think about who I was before you, because that person doesn't exist anymore. I am who I am right now because of your gentle guidance, your love and your support. I wouldn't be half the man I am today if it weren't for you, and to think that I might never have had you in my life.. I don't even want to consider the possibility."

Kevin didn't know what to say in response to Nick's revelation, so instead he kept silent, allowing him to continue voicing his inner monologue.

"And Justin. God, the person who I'd assumed I would hate from the very beginning. The person I should hate but can't because I love you too much. Everyone told me I was crazy when I first started talking to you. Everyone told me that you were nothing but trouble for me and I would regret opening up to you and letting you in. And I knew they were wrong about you because you're a kindred spirit. You're so much more than what people take you to be and sometimes I sit back and wonder how I got to be so lucky, how God chose me to be a part of your life. There are times when I would wish that I wasn't famous, that I could go to a movie or out to eat without it being on Entertainment Tonight and in all the magazines. But then I realize that without my life the way it is now, I never would have met you and I'd be so empty without you near me. It means so much to me that you let me see who you really are, not who you want people to think you are. Do you know what I'm trying to say? I look at
 my life and know I'm blessed, and for me right now, that's worth more than anything anyone could ever give me."

Nick felt his pulse racing and his heart beating wildly. He wiped his hands on his jeans nervously and continued pacing, needing to get all of this out before it made him crazy. Once he'd started he couldn't stop talking and it felt better than he'd have ever imagined freeing his conscience.

"I look at the two of you and it amazes me what an impact you've both had on me. Personally, professionally and spiritually. I can not make you understand just how important you both are to me, and I love what we've been doing. I love being with both of you, and knowing how close we are. It hurts me to say this, but I can't do it anymore. I can't continue on pretending that this is what I want when really.. I don't." Justin's gasp startled Nick, breaking his train of thought.

"What are you saying?" Justin asked softly. He looked at Kevin who was waiting for Nick's response as well.

"Yes Nick, what are you trying to say? You want to end this?"

Nick paused, wanting to find the right words. Finally he simply said, "Yeah, I guess I do."

The ball was officially rolling. All three men felt their stomachs churn sickly.

"Why? Why now?" Justin couldn't help but ask, knowing why but wanting to hear Nick's reasons for it.

"Because it's killing me. Every time I see you two together, every time I think about it, it hurts just a little more. We're fools to think that it's going to work out in the long run, maybe if this was a fairy tale and it was possible to have a happily ever after, a relationship between the three of us might work, but it's just not that type of story guys. We don't live that life, at least not in this reality and as much as we'd like to ignore the facts, we can't. I can't."

"But..."

"But what? Are you honestly going to tell me that you're happy with the way things are going? You're happy with us always being jealous or suspicious or frustrated? Because if you're okay with that, you're a better man than I am."

Kevin shook his head, he couldn't dispute Nick's claims. As much as it hurt, Nick was right and he was silly in thinking it could be any other way. "You're right."

Justin couldn't sit silent and not voice his own opinions. "I never thought things would progress this far, that I would get in this deep. At first, I thought that my attraction to you Kevin was superficial. I'd been attracted to you for a while, and not just because of your connection with Nick. It was always something more than that but I figured it would pass. And then when things started between us, I thought that would be it. A couple of fucks and we'd get bored of it. But then you were nothing like I'd expected you to be and I was intrigued. Intrigue turned to admiration and somewhere along the way I realized it was something I couldn't even put a name to. I don't want to say love because I don't know what true love is to compare it to, but it's nothing I've ever known before." Justin watched Nick flinch as he focused his attention on him.

"And you Nick, god. I don't even know where to begin with you. You are quite possibly the most amazing man I've ever known. You are more complex than anyone could even imagine, smarter than anyone would ever give you credit for and sweeter than you'll ever let anyone know. You're the exception to every rule and as much as I tried to remain detached, you wouldn't let me. I didn't realize it at the time but Britney was always in competition with you. She knew it but I couldn't see it. I was always comparing her to you, it was a battle she had no way of winning."

The room was silent for a few minutes, each man overwhelmed with the raw emotion that was present in the room. Somewhere outside a bird squawked, adding an reminder of the outside world to their private conversation. That outside of that room, the Earth was still spinning, life was being lived and no matter the outcome, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

"I've thought a lot about this as well," Kevin spoke, his voice barely audible. "Actually, it's all I've been thinking about and I can't say that our misunderstanding a few months ago didn't present me with a few harsh realizations. I came to see things in a way I hadn't been able to see them previously. It made me seriously think about my life and what is and is not important, and ... I agree with you Nick, we can't go on the way we've been living. We're on a clear path to destruction and we need to save our friendships before we completely destroy everything we have."

They all knew it was the truth, that if not handled delicately, everything would be lost. And all three would agree that the important thing was retaining each other in their lives, even if in just a platonic degree. With both sets of eyes on him, Kevin decided to take the plunge. Kristin's words of advice rang in his ears as he began to speak.

"Nicky, I love you. You're my brother, my best friend, my lover and so much more. You are so many things to me that I can't find words for most of them. I've loved you since the minute I first met you, although the nature of that love has changed many times in the past 13 years. We have been through so many things together, and there were times where I feared for us. Feared that we wouldn't make it through and our bond would be destroyed, but with each test we came through stronger and I'm so thankful for that."

Nick's hands were trembling as he listened to Kevin pour out his heart. He wasn't sure where Kevin was going with this, and felt a sickly anticipation as Kevin continued speaking.

"And I know that no matter what happens in the future, whether it be fifteen years into the future or fifteen minutes, that our friendship, our love with withstand anything."

"What.. what are you saying Kevin?" Nick asked, voice trembling. He was almost afraid to hear Kevin's decision.

"I'm trying to say..." Kevin licked his lips and averted his eyes from Nick to Justin nervously. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt either man, but he couldn't deny his heart any longer. He couldn't lie to himself and tell him this was what he wanted when it wasn't. It took him long enough to be honest with himself, it was time to be honest with his lovers as well. "When I was in New York with Kris, she asked me a question. She couldn't believe that I hadn't thought about a future with just one of you. That there wasn't one that I wanted to make things work with more than the other, and she was right. I had been leaning towards one of you more than the other and I have for a long time now, I just didn't realize it. It's not to say that I don't love both of you, but loving you and being in love with you are two entirely different things. She forced me to evaluate not only our relationship, but my entire life and it made me see things I had refused to acknowledge before."

"So you've chosen between us?" Nick asked breathlessly.

"Haven't we all? I mean really Nick, you can't tell me if I asked you right now which of us you would rather be with in a relationship you wouldn't know your answer? I don't believe that." Kevin watched Nick think about it for a few minutes, nodding in agreement. "You see, we've all thought about it and we all know what, or more, WHO we want. It's just taking the step and admitting it out loud."

"So, you've made your decision." Justin stated softly, staring at a point on the floor.

"Yes, and I agree with Nick in that I can't do this anymore. We have to figure out what we want, once and for all."

They all stared at one another nervously, neither offering themselves to go first. Nick inhaled deeply before asking, "So Kevin, what do you want?" Both he and Justin held their breath as Kevin ran his fingers through his hair nervously.

"I want to be with Justin..."

A gasp echoed in the room, no one sure who exactly it came from. Justin's face was white in shock, his jaw gaping open and eyes bulging out.

Nick had tears in the corner of his eyes, as he fought not to cry.

"You what?" Justin gasped. He wasn't sure if he'd misheard Kevin. Judging from the look of confusion and shock on Nick's face, he was guessing he hadn't. Justin fought the urge to be sick, his nerves were that bad.

Kevin turned to face the youngest of his two lovers and gave him a sheepish, almost apologetic, smile. "I never thought I'd feel this much for you. At first it was ... I don't even know what it was. Curiosity. Pride. An ego thing. I don't know. But I didn't really think of you as you, and all I could think about was having you, it was purely sexual. But then I got to know you and you came out of nowhere and blindsighted me. I've been trying to deny it for so long now, telling myself it's something that it's not but I can't do it anymore. I can't lie to myself any longer, I won't lie to myself any longer. And I can't lie to either of you anymore. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt like hell when I see you two together, when he's holding you and touching you, knowing I want that to be me. It's selfish, but I don't want to share you any more, and I don't want to be shared. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine. Exclusively." Kevin turned to face Nick, hating the look of lost
 desperation in his features. It was as if Nick was watching his whole life flash before his eyes, horrified at what the conclusion brought forth. "I'm sorry Nicky, but ... This is probably why we've never tried the relationship thing before. It's not like we haven't had the opportunity..."

"It's because one of us has always been in a relationship.." Nick argued, although not as forcefully as he should have. His brain was working at a slower pace as he tried to work everything out in his mind. He was still shell shocked, unable to believe Kevin's revelation. He hadn't heard Justin's response but figured his case was a lost cause. Darkness enveloped his heart and with each word out of Kevin's mouth, justifying his love, explaining his decision, it was one more knife draining the life out of him.

"Not always Nicky. We've just made excuses, but I think that it's because we know we're not right for each other, not in that way. We love each other, but we're not in love. It wouldn't work for us and ...we're just not meant to be together exclusively. I could lie and say it's one thing or another, but I think we both know the truth, we're just too afraid to admit it to ourselves and each other. We aren't meant to be, Nicky, it's just that simple." It was as if Kevin was trying to convince himself as well as Nick and Justin.

"And you and Justin are? Meant to be?" Nick spat, bitterness evident in his voice. The shock was beginning to wear off and Nick was feeling the jealousy and resentment creep in. He saw Kevin flinch and Justin wince at his biting tone. He couldn't have cared less though. If they were going to hurt him, he was going to hurt them back. All rational thought had been discarded and replaced with blinding fury.

"Maybe not. But maybe so. I think it's worth finding out." Kevin stood up, approaching Nick who stepped away. The action hurt Kevin more than he outwardly showed and hoped to god that he didn't lose his place in Nick's life over this. He didn't want to cut all ties with Nick, although that might not be an option at this point for him. It was up to the blonde now. "I really am sorry Nicky, hurting you is the last thing I wanted."

Angrily, Nick turned from Kevin to look at Justin, who was blinking back tears. Nick felt bile rise in his throat as he ran a shaking hand through his blonde locks. "So Justin, is that what you want? Do you want to try a relationship with Kevin?" The words burned Nick's tongue as he spoke them. He couldn't hide the indignation in his gaze.

Justin never thought Kevin would have picked him. He didn't think either of them would have picked him yet there he was, with green eyes watching him nervously and blue watching him angrily. Nick hadn't even revealed his thoughts on their situation, but all Justin could think about was Kevin. Nights spent in bed with the older man, curled up together sharing secret wishes and dreams. The way Kevin's arms felt around his body, the feel of their legs entwined, how Justin always felt like the most important person in the world while they were together. An overwhelming sense of panic and relief washed over him simultaneously. Justin had no idea what to do next. So instead of thinking too much, instead of hesitating he closed his eyes and said the first thing that came to his mind. It was almost as though he was apologizing for what he was about to reveal. "Yes, I'd like to try."

For once in his life, Justin wanted to throw all caution to the wind and follow his gut instinct. He always over thought everything, played out each scenario until he could pin point exactly what the best strategic move would be for him. He'd gone into this relationship with Nick and Kevin blind, trusting that it would all work out in the end, and so he decided that he'd continue that trust with Kevin.

Both Kevin and Justin watched as Nick constructed walls of stone around himself. It was too late to turn back now. The damage was done and quite possibly irreversible. Justin felt his heart break at the pain and shock in Nick's eyes. Any life that may have been left in them was gone and he wondered if they'd done the right thing. Looking at Kevin, he knew there was no other choice, but hated how it had to hurt so much. They'd been hurting for quite some time now, this was a different type of hurt. A hurt of finality, of closure.

Nick stumbled back as if he'd been struck. His whole world was crashing down around him and he felt as though he was suffocating. It hurt to look at Kevin, it hurt more to look at Justin, but most of all it sickened him to know they were looking at him through eyes filled with pity. Once again, he was the one that no one wanted. Unlovable. Cast aside to watch from a distance, having love and happiness in his grasp only to have it torn from him unforgivingly. A vague realization struck Nick that this must have been how Paris felt only mere months earlier when he'd ended their relationship for Kevin and Justin. He'd tried to explain to her that it wasn't something she had physically done, it was just a matter of personal preference. He loved her, but not the way he should have, and for that he had to hurt her by letting her go. It was exactly what Kevin and Justin were doing to him and for the first time, he understood her pain. The confusion of not understanding why, not knowing what
 she'd done to make him not love her. This realization only added to the multitude of pain and sorrow overwhelming him. He felt his throat constrict and knew he had to leave, but not without saying a few last words.

"You know, I knew it from the beginning. From that first night in London and everything that happened afterwards. I just wish you two would have been honest with me from the beginning instead of playing me for a fool." Nick hated the fact that tears were flowing freely down his cheeks, an obvious display of his weakness. His body was trembling and he fought to keep the sobs at bay. He would have liked to have at least a shred of his dignity in this dark moment, but his emotions bubbled to the surface and he couldn't control them. "You both professed that it wasn't serious, that I was imagining things and there wasn't anything going on beyond what was on the surface. Tell me one thing, am I imagining this?"

Justin choked back a sob. He never expected it to hurt this much, but seeing Nick sent a stake directly through his heart. The tears were sliding effortlessly down his cheeks as he begged Nick to understand. "No baby, no. It.... it wasn't like that. You have to believe me. We never wanted to hurt you.. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Don't..." Nick hiccuped, wiping at his eyes. "Don't you dare call me Baby. I'm not your fucking Baby anymore. Neither of you..."

"But.." Kevin felt his own stomach churning as he fought a wave of nausea. "Please Nicky, listen..."

"I don't want to talk to either of you right now let alone listen to anything you may have to say to me. You think I want to hear you apologize for not loving me? You think I want to hear how you can't live without each other but you can live without me? That I was nothing more than a convenient fuck and a way to get you both where you wanted, with each other? That I was good enough before, but now that you're happy you don't want me anymore, that you don't NEED me? Well fuck you both all right. Fuck you both. I can't even look at you," Nick spat, with anger and more sadness than he'd wanted. "Leave me the hell alone."

With that, Nick stumbled out of the room walking blindly to the spare bedroom that he'd long since claimed as his own. He couldn't even think, the pain was too much to bear. All he could feel was emptiness filling his very soul unable to believe that in less than an hour, he'd lost the two people he loved the most. Climbing into the bed, he wondered if they would care enough to look for him. To try and seek him out to make sure he was okay. When a considerable amount of time passed and no one came, a fresh round of sobs claimed him and Nick began crying again, realizing once again that he truly was alone. Kevin and Justin had each other and he had no one.

In the rec room, Justin sat on the chair, staring numbly at the wall. He would never, in this lifetime, ever forget the expression of agony etched into Nick's facial features as he'd admitted he wanted to try a relationship with Kevin, not to mention the venom in his voice as he told them to leave him alone. There was an air of finality in the statement that sent a freezing cold chill down to his very bones. When a hand closed in over his shoulder, Justin barely registered the contact and didn't even move.

"J?"

Justin blinked once. Twice, before looking up into a pair of concerned brown eyes. Slowly his eyes registered who he was looking at. "Chris?"

"What the fuck just happened?"

"It.. It's over. He chose." Justin's voice was monotone, no hint of life present.

"Who chose?" Chris had been half listening just to keep tabs on the three men and for the most part things had been silent. He'd then heard Nick screaming, followed by loud protesting and the moment he'd heard a door slam he made his way to the rec room. Kevin had pushed by him to head into the kitchen and Justin was sitting, staring blankly at the wall. Chris had a very bad feeling about everything, wishing once more that he could have been wrong about how their triangular romance would conclude.

"Kevin. He chose." Justin blinked, as if in a trance.

Chris held his breath and counted to ten. He had no idea what he was hoping for at this point but judging by Nick's loud screaming and his violent exit, Chris had an idea of what the end result had been. He felt his stomach drop and his heart throb in sympathy, but he needed to hear Justin say it out loud. There were so many missing variables and Chris didn't want to jump to any conclusions. "And?"

"He chose me."

Chris was honestly surprised, hearing it come from Justin's mouth. Before that day, he'd have bet money Kevin would have picked Nick. "And?"

"I said okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. We're going to try it. A relationship."

Again, Chris found himself shocked beyond belief. So not how he'd expected the afternoon to progress. He looked sadly at the door Nick had fled through only moments earlier, feeling a familiar gut wrenching pain fill him. Chris tensed up in a moment of anger, unable to stop the reaction his body gave. For a split second he hated Kevin and Justin for hurting Nick the way they did. If anyone deserved the world on a platter, it was Nick. The one person who was always there when someone he cared for needed it, always giving so much of himself but getting nothing in return. Asking for nothing in return but the knowledge that they were okay. Chris sighed and shook his head in dismay and turned to look at Justin again, unsure of what to think. It was evident by the expression on his face what he was thinking and he felt his facial features soften at the pain in his best friend's eyes.

Justin knew Chris was mad and he honestly didn't blame him. He knew that Chris was very protective of the blonde, Chris was protective of everyone he loved and would protect them to the death. Nick held a special place in Chris' heart and in hurting Nick, Justin knew he'd hurt Chris. Not to mention all of the wounds surrounding his failed relationship with JC were being brought back up to the surface and reopened. "I'm sorry..." Justin was sorry for so many things, he wasn't even sure where to start anymore.

"Why are you apologizing to me? It's not my heart you broke." Chris hadn't intended to say it with such venom and shook his head in apology, immediately afterwards. Before he could say anything more, Justin covered his mouth with one finger to silence him.

"I can see it in your eyes, Chris, how even after all these years it still hurts. And I know that out of everyone, only you know what he's going through. Not to mention I know you hate to see him hurt. So many people have hurt him..."

Chris let out a sarcastic smile, blinking back the tears that had collected in the corners of his eyes. He had to interrupt Justin before he said too much, went too far. "I can't even imagine what he's going through right now."

"But... You... Josh.. AJ.."

"Justin, Jayce picked AJ instead of me. We were exclusive until he realized that what he wanted and what we had were two different things. He picked, I lost a lover but kept a best friend. It hurt, but I understood why he did it. I never blamed him, not once. I would have been more upset had he stayed with me and been unhappy than him ending it before we hurt each other more than we already did. It took a bit of time but I knew in my heart he was doing the right thing. Nick, on the other hand, had two lovers who were also his best friends. He lost both of them. To each other. So now, not only doesn't he have you or Kevin in the same way he's had you for as long as he can remember, but he has to see the two of you together. Happy. Without him."

Justin closed his eyes as more tears slid down his cheeks. He'd wrapped his arms around his legs, curled up into the tiniest ball he could manage. Resting his forehead against his knees he let the tears overwhelm him and let himself break down. Again. "I love him Chris, I didn't mean to hurt him. I never meant to hurt him.."

"Shhhh," Chris felt anger and disappointment in Justin and Kevin for hurting Nick the way they had, but at the same time felt just as bad for them as he knew they were in as much pain as the blonde. He curled up beside Justin, petting his hair in what he'd hoped was soothing movements. "I know, Baby. I know you didn't mean to hurt him.. But you have to understand why he's hurt. You have to let him be angry."

"I don't want him to hate me Chris. I don't want him to regret everything and never talk to me again. I can't lose him."

"That's not your choice to make, J. You did what you had to do, now it's his turn. Whether or not he ever talks to you again is up to him. You knew the consequences going into it all, Baby. I'm sorry but now you have to live with them." Chris knew his words weren't at all reassuring, but there was no room for pretending that things weren't as bad as they were. Ignorance was what had gotten them to this point. They all needed to put the rose coloured glasses away and see things for what they really were, a heaping pile of a mess.

"It's not supposed to be this hard. It shouldn't be at the sacrifice of everything else."

Justin looked exactly like he did when he was fourteen and would come to Chris for advice about something. Chris waited until the sobs ceased and Justin was breathing at a somewhat normal pace. "I know. Life sucks sometimes, J. But we all have to make decisions that we don't want to make, knowing that in the end someone is going to get hurt. You have to follow your heart and hope that in the end, it all works out."

Chris was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Looking up, he saw Kevin standing against the entrance, eyes red and raw. With a sad smile, Chris stood up and nodded towards the other man. He and Justin had a lot to talk about, something Chris didn't feel he should be there for. Justin felt Chris moving and raised his head, slowly opening his eyes. "Where are you going?"

"I think you two need to talk. Besides, someone should go check on Nick." Chris placed a kiss to Justin's forehead and headed towards Nick's bedroom, gently patting Kevin's shoulder as he passed. "Take care of him." Chris knew the sharp look in his eyes was not lost on Kevin who nodded solemnly.

Chris approached the closed bedroom door and inhaled deeply. He wasn't one to pray, but he said a few words on Nick's behalf before kissing his fingers and pressing them against the wood. When he felt he was ready, he slipped inside the bedroom and softly padded to the bed where he could make out Nick's sleeping form. He assumed the blonde was sleeping as he watched the steady rise and fall of Nick's chest and Nick's lack of crying, which Chris was certain he'd be doing had he been awake.


Gently, so as not to wake him, Chris slid under the sheets behind Nick, spooning up behind him. His original assessment of Nick's sleeping state had been proven wrong as Chris felt him stiffen up and gasp in surprise. "Shhhh, Baby. It's just me."

"Go away." Nick's voice sounded flat, as if he were dead inside.

"No."

"Fucking hell Chris, just leave me the fuck alone. I'm not in the mood for it right now."

"What exactly are you not in the mood for Nickolas? What do you think I'm here for?"

Nick sighed, pulling away and turning onto his back so he could look up at the older man. Their eyes met and Nick shook his head. Chris was dismayed by the lack of life in Nick's eyes. He'd never seen his usually sparkling eyes so grey and flat. "I'm not in the mood for an 'I told you so'. We both know you did, so just leave it at that."

"What in the hell makes you think that's why I'm here?" Chris kept his voice light and airy, not revealing the pain he was in at seeing Nick so upset.

"Because you said you would be. You said that night, that first night I told you about London and what happened that when it ended badly, and you knew it would, you'd be the one shouting you told me so. So fuck you all right. I don't want to hear it." The anger dissolved and was replaced once again with despair. Nick broke down into sobs once more, curling up on his side into the fetal position. "I.. I.. can't take it right now okay... Maybe tomorrow... but just not now. Not when I just want to die."

Chris felt his eyes fill with tears, his heart breaking at that moment like it had never broken before. He could honestly say that when JC had sat him down to give him the talk, he wasn't surprised. It had hurt, nearly killed him, but it was inevitable. Long before JC had come to his decision, Chris had seen it happening. But that pain was nothing compared to what he was feeling right now, watching Nick battle his inner demons. He couldn't do anything BUT watch, helpless in the entire situation. Chris hated nothing more than being helpless when the people he loved needed him.

"Please..." Nick sobbed into the pillow. Chris didn't know what he was begging for.

"Please what Nicky? Tell me what I can do to help you. Tell me what you need, Baby." He didn't even try to disguise the crying in his voice.

"Please, make it stop hurting.


Chris wished to God he could, he just didn't know what he could do. "Nicky, I would baby. I would do anything for you. You have to know that. I don't know what to do though." Nick continued to cry, mumbling incoherent words into the pillow, none of which Chris could make out. He kept comforting Nick, stroking his hair and whispering words of love and encouragement into his ear, but in all honesty, Chris didn't know if Nick could even hear him anymore. He'd seemed to slip into a state of alternate consciousness, unaware of everything outside of what was going on in his own head.

~*~*~*~*~

Kevin needed to get out of the living room immediately, before he completely broke down. He knew in his heart he was making the right decision, it just really sucked that it was at Nick's expense that it had to happen. Never in his wildest dreams did he expect it to be this hard. He didn't blame Nick for being as upset as he was, Kevin knew that if the positions were reversed he would have probably reacted similarly. But his mind was focused on Justin's reaction and what this meant for them. It wasn't a secret how connected Nick and Justin were, and it was evident how hurt Justin was watching Nick. Kevin was afraid that Nick's reaction would have an effect on his decision. He was slightly shamed at his own greedy and selfish thoughts, but realized that he didn't want this all to have been in vain. If he was going to break his best friend's heart, he wanted there to be a good enough reason for it.

By the time Kevin returned to the rec room, Chris was curled up on the couch with Justin, whispering something into the younger man's ear. He discreetly cleared his throat to alert the two men he was there, Chris jumping to attention almost instantly. Kevin flashed Chris a thankful smile as he left them alone and approached Justin hesitantly. "Can I sit down?" He asked, voice soft.

Justin nodded, looking at Kevin through bloodshot eyes. "Of course."

Kevin took a place on the couch, as close to the chair Justin was sitting on as possible. "So?"

Justin shrugged his shoulders sadly. "He hates us."

As much as Kevin wanted to refute the statement, he couldn't. He was thinking the exact same thing. "I know."

"And I don't blame him one bit."

Kevin felt his heart sink and his stomach churn one more time. He wasn't sure if his body would survive all the torture he was inflicting on it. "If you're having second thoughts.."

Justin's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. "Are you serious? You think that I'd put him through all of that and then decide that this isn't what I want? If you weren't serious Kevin then you shouldn't have fucking said anything... Did you think he was going to react well to it? Say 'Oh, OK, I'm happy for you both' and that was the end? Jesus fucking Christ Kevin..."

Kevin held his hands up in surrender as he watched Justin start to get hysterical. "No. I meant what I said J, I want to try this with you. I have for some time now. But I just thought... seeing Nick so upset that you might be having second thoughts about your answer..."

It was true, for a moment Justin had wondered if he'd made the right choice, but then his rational thought had returned and he'd refused to second guess himself. He had never been one for second guessing himself before and now was not the time for him to start. So, despite Nick's reaction Justin knew that this was what he wanted to do, he wanted to be with Kevin and see if they had some sort of future with one another. "We knew it was a risk Kevin, all of us. That could have easily been me. Or you."

Kevin nodded solemnly, thankful it wasn't him. He knew all too well how easy it could have been for him to be the one on the outside. His eyes flickered down to Justin's lips which were red and raw from his biting on them. The urge to lean forward and kiss him blanketed him and Kevin inhaled deeply. "I know that it's probably not the best time but..." He lifted one hand, stroking Justin's cheek lovingly, pleased when the younger man leaned into his palm. "I just need... want ... have to kiss you."

Justin needed the reassurance as well, needed something to erase the pain that felt etched into his soul. With that thought, he nodded his head. "Please Kevin, I need that too. I want to feel you."

Their lips met in a gentle, hesitant kiss. Mouths remained closed and they focused on the simple, intimate pleasure of the chaste, innocent kiss. Justin ran his fingers through Kevin's hair as he pulled back and looked into Kevin's eyes. It was as he leaned in for a second kiss that he parted his lips, giving Kevin an opportunity to slide his tongue through to deepen the kiss. By the time They parted a second time, both men were pleasantly breathless.

"I do love you, you know." Kevin felt the need to reiterate that statement, knowing Justin probably needed to hear it. Especially after the afternoon they'd had.

"I know, I love you too Kev."

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chris and Nick lay together silently, neither sure for how long. Chris' mind was completely focused on Nick and whether or not he was okay, where Nick's was on Justin and Kevin in the other room, wondering what they were doing and if they'd already forgotten about him.

"You have to go back out there and talk to them Nicky. You can't leave things the way you did." Chris knew it was going to start a fight, but he had to speak his mind.

"I don't have to do anything Chris. Fuck that, they don't need me anymore."

"Oh, how could I forget. You're right. They don't need you anymore. They've already forgotten you even existed. THAT'S why Justin is spazzing out that he's lost his best friend in the entire world and that you're going to hate him until the end of time. And that's why Kevin holed himself up in the kitchen, barely even breathing, let alone worrying about whether or not he's destroyed you. Are you really this stupid?"

Chris actually cowered away from the look Nick shot him. He could almost feel the daggers aimed at his chest. He couldn't be deterred though, Nick was going to hear what he had to say whether he wanted to or not.

"Nick, they're beating themselves up right now. Despite what you think, neither of them wanted to hurt you and if you took a good look at both of them right now, you'd see that they're hurting just as much as you are, probably more because they know that it was them that is the cause of your pain. These aren't strangers Nick, these aren't people who don't know you and are fucking you over because they can. This is Kevin and Justin. Fucking KEVIN AND JUSTIN." Chris thought maybe if he yelled loud enough, it would penetrate Nick's thick scull. Judging from the unimpressed expression on Nick's face, it hadn't.

"You don't think I don't know that?"

"No, I really don't. Right now I don't think you're distinguishing them from everyone else in your life. All you can feel is the pain, nothing else is getting through. Not that I don't blame you, because I understand. I get it." Chris's voice softened and he pressed a kiss to Nick's temple. "I get it," he repeated it against Nick's skin. "But you have to get the fact that you're not alone. Just because they picked each other, doesn't mean that they don't want you."

Nick's laugh startled Chris. It was loud and brittle, dripping with sarcasm. "Uhhh, Chris. Yes, actually it does. That is exactly what it means."

Chris rolled his eyes. "You are so dense. They still want you in their lives, just not in the same capacity as before."

"Maybe that's not an option." Nick said distractedly.

His mind started to wander, questioning if that was what he wanted. He hadn't ever anticipated Kevin and Justin in his life any differently than what he'd had for the past 10 odd years. It was always in the back of his mind, but not something he actively thought about. Now he had no choice but to not only think about it, but experience it first hand. That thought chilled Nick to his inner core. He didn't know how to just be friends with Kevin. Or Justin for that matter. Yes, above everything else they were friends, but he always knew that if he wanted, he could lean in and snuggle with either of them, kiss them, touch them, be with them in ways that now were off limits.

Nick couldn't even fathom having rules and limits with either men. When they were involved with other people, rules were always present for all parties involved, but it was never as constrictive as the rules Kevin had laid down earlier. Justin was his. He was Justin's. No sharing. At all. His stomach lurched and rolled all over again, a wave of nausea passing over him. It was unlikely that he would come up with a resolution in the near future.

"I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if that will work."

Chris fought not to panic. Nick was highly emotional and he couldn't be taken at his word. When the weight of the evening passed and Nick was thinking clearly, he would change his mind. He had to. "You don't mean that, you can't possibly mean that. We've had this talk before, and you've always said that if it didn't work out with either of them, you'd still be cool. That nothing would get in the way of yours and Justin's friendship. That nothing was going to break the group up and not have you be able to work with Kevin anymore. Was that all a lie? Because you have to think about this Nick, is it worth giving all that up for?"

"In my mind, he chose me. This changes everything." Nick's voice was steady, his body rigid against Chris'.

"What are you going to do next week when Brian or AJ or Howie calls with an idea for a song? What are you going to do on tour, having to see Kevin every single day for hours and hours on end? You've always claimed that you're going to be mature and respectful but now that you're faced with it..."

Nick sighed, feeling the weight of the day settle over him. He was exhausted, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. "I just don't know right now, Chris and you're not helping. I know you mean well, and I know you're worried but fuck, I'm allowed to be depressed. I'm allowed to be angry, and I've fucking earned the right to react however the fuck I want. So back the hell off."

"Tell them that. Let them know where you are and how you're feeling. Don't make the mistake of pushing them away because when you realize that this isn't the end of the world.." Chris paused as Nick scowled at him. "I know it seems like it right now, but it's not." Chris lowered his mouth to press a gentle kiss to Nick's lips. "Hey, you did it for me when I wanted to curl up and die after Josh, so I'm allowed to do this for you, Baby."

Nick nodded, burrowing his face into Chris' chest. He wrapped his arms around the smaller man's waist and allowed for Chris to hold him. "Okay."

"So I know that you feel it's the end of the world, but it's not. It's going to hurt like a son of a bitch for god knows how long, and some days you're going to wonder why you're even trying but then you'll realize that the sun doesn't rise and shine with Kevin Richardson or Justin Timberlake." Chris realized that he still didn't know which of the two men Nick had chosen. He was curious but afraid to ask. Perhaps not knowing was wisest.

"Why?"

Chris wasn't sure what Nick was asking, yet one look into Nick's eyes he saw that Nick didn't even know what he was asking. It was just a general cry for answers, answers to all of the questions that were floating in his mind. Plaguing his soul. "I don't know, Baby."

An hour passed. An hour of Chris holding Nick while he fidgeted, sighed and twitched. The tears had long since stopped and Chris assumed Nick had moved to the next phase of his 'adjustment' period, realization. The realization that it was over. He wanted to shake his head and warn Nick that it was only going to get worse before it got better, but he couldn't bear to do it. Nick was most likely playing every moment over in his head, reliving everything from their first hellos to what he believed to be their final good byes. He would think that he was okay with everything, that it was all going to be okay. And then he would run into them together. See their still present love for each other and memories of what he used to have and it would reopen the wound and sting just as much as it did initially. He would have to work with Kevin for the group, or forget and call Justin because he missed him. Somehow, he would push all of this out of his mind and simply forget, which would be the
 worst of all because when it all came rushing back to him, he would be in a state of shock that he could forget and force him to relive the pain over and over again, as if for the first time. The mind, although it was a powerful tool, could also be your own worst enemy. Chris held his breath and silently wished the blonde well. He had a long road ahead of him.

"Are they still here?" Nick asked.

Chris nodded. "J would have told me if he left."

That was the only conversation that they had as Nick pressed his lips against Chris' and crawled out of the bed. The light in the hallway was harsh and Nick winced in reaction. He stumbled to the bathroom and did his best to freshen up, hating how ragged he looked. It looked as if he'd been run over by a Mac truck. When he felt somewhat human again, Nick exited the washroom and headed towards the rec room, bracing himself for the scene he was about to walk in on. Nerves almost got the better of him and he debated whether or not to slip out the front door and drive away until he reached Canada. But with a gentle reminder that it would get better, it had to, he continued, slipping into the large room unnoticed.

Nick felt his knees go weak at the sight of Justin curled up on the lazy boy chair, Kevin on the couch, the only contact was their fingers locked between them. Both looked as tired as he felt and that knowledge made him feel slightly better. Better until he remembered that they would be going home to each other from now on and he'd be going home alone, and that now familiar burn of jealousy and resentment returned to fester in his stomach.

Kevin saw Nick first and he was about to jump off the couch and rush to him, until he saw the look on his face. It was enough to keep Kevin seated across the room. He did, however, let Justin's hand drop in reaction. "Nick.." He gasped, catching Justin's attention.

Justin did stand up and slowly approach Nick. It wasn't until Nick held a hand up that Justin stopped, still a few feet away.

"Don't. Just ..." Nick swallowed thickly, trying to calm his frazzled nerves. "Just don't. Let me talk."

Both Kevin and Justin nodded, holding their breath to hear what was going to come out of Nick's mouth.

"I'm happy for you both... well, I will be. Eventually. I love you both too much not to be. I only want the best for both of you. It's just..." Nick paused for a moment, wanting to get the words just right. "It's just hard, okay? And I'm not going to be okay with this right away, there's just no way that is going to happen. So if either of you love me as much as you profess to, let me deal with this how I need to. It's not going to be soon, but hopefully at some point I'll be able to be in the same room with you and not feel as though my heart is being ripped out of my chest. I need time. I know I didn't handle it in the best way, but I guess I was just ... I was hoping for a slightly different outcome."

Tears, once again, filled Justin's eyes and Kevin felt a lump appear in his throat. Both men silently wondered if it was him that Nick had hoped to be discussing a future with. Neither allowed himself the luxury to think 'what if'.

"Can you understand where I'm coming from?"

Both Justin and Kevin nodded slowly, afraid to speak. They were all so dangerously close to the edge that the fear of saying the wrong thing forced them into silence. But down inside, under the hurt and the anxiety and the nerves, they did understand where Nick was coming from. They understood all too well the reality of being cast aside, having their heart broken and watching from the sidelines as the person they loved more than life itself, loved and was loved by someone else. Not for the first time that afternoon, Kevin looked at Justin and felt thanks for being lucky enough to have captured his heart.

Nick inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and counted to ten. He needed strength to do what he needed to do, which was smile at his two ex-lovers, remind them, as well as himself, how much he still loved them and walk out of the room, all without looking back. All without losing sight of what was truly important, his own piece of mind. He knew now he had to be strong. Even though his heart was shattered, his world bleak and hopeless, he had to show them he was fine. That he could handle things and this was just one more example of life's little quirks. It was just one more thing he would have to overcome. He'd always believed what didn't kill you only made you stronger, and somewhere in his despair, Nick had to find strength.

It wouldn't be today. But they didn't have to know that.

With that thought he curled his lips into an all too familiar grin, one only reserved for the press and those whom he felt pity. Now it was directed towards Justin and Kevin, by means of his self-reflected pity. Nick could do this, despite what everyone thought, he was a fucking hell of an actor. It was just that sometimes people didn't realize he was acting. He'd spent most of his existence playing the best role of his life, and after 24 years, he felt he deserved a fucking Oscar for his performance. This was just one more clip to add to his portfolio.

First he approached Kevin. He pulled the older man, who was still slightly stunned and wary, into his arms and hugged him tightly. Both men felt the chill between them. "I'm going to be okay, I just want you to know that Kev. I'm strong, you should be proud of how strong I am, it's all because of you. You and the strength that you instilled in me. I know you never meant to hurt me, which in a way makes the pain that much worse. Treat him right, he deserves it, and he better treat you right because you deserve it too. It's going to take a while but one day maybe..." Nick pressed one last kiss to Kevin's lips, pulling back before it could be deepened. "Maybe one day we can get back to where we were before, before all the other bullshit got in the way. When we were happy and things were easier."

He then walked across the room to stand before Justin. They stared into each others' eyes, neither moving towards one another, but not away either. Finally Nick relented.

"Stand up. Please."

Justin nodded, awkwardly moving to his feet. He felt out of place and strange, unsure of what his limits with the blonde now were. Any other time he would have pulled Nick into his arms and held him until his body stopped trembling, but Justin wasn't convinced he had that right any longer. A question of whether or not Nick even wanted him to touch him ran through his mind and for that reason, he remained still, barely even breathing. Nick, once again, leaned in to pull Justin towards him. "I just want you to be happy J." He ran his fingers through Justin's cropped hair, pressing their foreheads together. "It's one of the only things I've ever wanted bad enough to sacrifice my own happiness. You know that. Congratulations, Baby. Treat him well. You've got yourself a good man."

Justin felt tension grow behind his eyes and tears prick their corners. He had to bite his lip to choke back a sob. There was nothing but pain and sorrow in Nick's eyes, pain and sorrow he'd assisted in putting there and Justin felt nothing but disappointment in himself and Kevin. It never should have ended this way, Nick being ambushed and pushed out so brutally. They should have found some way, any way for it all to work out so that no one would have to be put through this gut wrenching pain. Nick pulled away, distancing himself from both men.

"I haven't forgiven either of you, and maybe I never will, only time will tell. But you have to know, I will never regret a single moment, a single smile, tear or second that I spent with you. With the exception of this afternoon, I will not look back in anger on the precious time I had with both of you. You have both been such a big part of my life that it's impossible to regret it, let alone try to forget. I do regret how it ended, but all good things must end and I can't fault you for my misfortune. I do love you both, remember that. I might not like either of you very much right now, but it's not like we haven't been through worse."

"Nicky?" Justin cried out, wanting to stop the blonde before he left. He didn't know what he was going to say, but felt he had to say something. He couldn't let Nick leave so upset but from the expression on Nick's face, he'd already left. Mentally anyways.

Nick turned around and looked at Justin questioningly. "Yes?"

It was as if each were looking at a stranger. In the span of a few hours, they were almost unrecognizable to one another. That thought caused for both men to shudder.

"I..." There were too many things Justin wanted to say and he fumbled for the right words. Everything that ran through his mind sounded inappropriate and condescending. He had to make Nick understand that it hadn't all been done intentionally to hurt him but he knew it wouldn't make a difference now.

Nick averted his eyes towards Kevin who was staring at him with a pensive frown on his face. For the first time in as long as Nick could recall, he wanted to be as far away from these two men as possible. Just the sight of them were nauseating him and Nick knew it was because it was still too fresh. Too raw. He refused to acknowledge the fact that when they left Chris' and went to Justin or Kevin's, they'd be together. In every sense of the word. Nick definitely felt nauseated.

"Justin, I need to leave now. If you don't want me to hate you even more than I already do right now, you'll let me go." It was amazing how steady Nick's voice was, despite the turmoil he was in.

Justin's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. "You h-h-hate me?" Nick hating him had never actually entered his mind as a possibility.

Nick sighed. He stretched his neck and cracked his back. "I don't know what I feel right now. Hate could possibly be in there. I already told you I'm not going to justify why I feel how I feel. I need to not be around either of you. Give me time."

"How much time?" Kevin finally spoke, his voice soft. He was absolutely numb at this point, the pain not even registering any longer.

"I don't know." Nick turned around and headed to the front door, picking up his journal from the table on the foyer. He stopped to stare at the leather bound paper, finding it somewhat responsible for the day's actions. He slipped his running shoes on and grabbed his car keys from the dish by the door. As if magically, Chris appeared at the head of the stairs.

"You leaving?"

Nick nodded. "It's long overdue."

"How long?"

"I'll let you know. I'll call."

"Tomorrow!" Chris left no room for argument. "I'd better fucking hear from you tomorrow."

"Yes, Dad." Nick slipped his sunglasses onto his face. He could feel Kevin and Justin staring holes into the back of his head. There was something in the air and Nick paused, one foot out the door. "What Kevin?"

"What about... uh, recording?"

Another thing Nick didn't want to have to deal with right now. He shrugged. "I really don't know Kev. I'll get in touch with Aje. Don't worry," Nick turned around to look at Kevin, thankful the older man couldn't see his eyes. "This won't fuck up the group."

Kevin rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I don't give a shit about the group, all right? I care about you and our relationship."

Nick didn't laugh. He didn't even break a smile. He simply looked at Justin and then directly into Kevin's eyes, "We don't have a relationship anymore."

Kevin thought he'd felt pain before, it was nothing compared to what he experienced at Nick's admission. His blood ran cold and for the first time since the whole conversation had started, Kevin was faced with the possibility that Nick may not forgive them for this. As much as he wanted to refute Nick's statement, he knew he couldn't. It wasn't up to him, it was up to Nick. And Kevin realized he had to start from square one with the younger man. He definitely had his work cut out for him.

"But I'll let Aje know when I know what's going on. Don't worry." Nick could see every emotion, every thought clearly displayed on Kevin's face. He watched as Kevin bit back any response he might have voiced and nodded.

"Okay."

"Chris, I'll be in touch. Justin and Kevin, goodbye."

Before anyone could respond the sound of a slamming door echoed through the silent house. Justin looked up at Chris who was watching them with an unreadable expression on his face. He was emotionally exhausted. "Don't start Christopher."

"I didn't say a word," Chris responded in a tone that indicated he was about to do just that. Start something.

"You're about to and I don't want to hear it."

"Leave him alone, both of you. Give him the time he needs..."

"Pardon my rudeness, but I think you should just stay out of it Chris. I know you're trying to help and I appreciate that but it's really none of your business." Kevin really wasn't in the mood for another round.

Chris simply raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "I'm just saying. If you don't want to lose him completely, you'll respect his space. You can both see yourselves out." Chris turned on his heel, leaving Justin and Kevin to stand in the foyer alone.

"What now?" Justin asked softly, more to himself than anything. He jerked in surprise when Kevin's arms wrapped around his body, enveloping him in a comforting embrace.

"Now we just try to pick up the pieces. The walls have fallen down around us and we have to see where we go from here."

"And where do you want to go?" Justin asked, looking deep into Kevin's eyes. For the first time that afternoon he felt warmth and a sense that everything was going to be okay. He rested his forehead against Kevin's chest, burrowing his face deep into the fabric of his tee shirt. The tension that had nearly paralyzed his body for so long started to drain away as he felt Kevin's lips press a kiss to his temple.

"Home. Lets go home."


Justin looked up and saw nothing but love in Kevin's eyes. A few tears slipped from his eyes, falling down his cheeks. He leaned in, capturing Kevin's mouth in a desperate kiss. He needed the contact, the reassurance that they'd done the right thing more than ever. As Kevin's tongue darted past his lips and into his mouth, Justin whimpered and let out a intense sob. "I'd like that."

It was when they'd let themselves out and were heading to the driveway that Justin remembered he'd driven his bike. Kevin had arrived with Nick. "Chris has a few extra helmets in the garage." Moments later Justin returned, handing a sleek black helmet to his lover. His boyfriend. He trembled as that thought flooded his mind.

The drive back was somber, both men pensive. It was hard not to think back, reminiscent of the past. Their relationship, not only with each other but with Nick. Both thought deeply about their ride to Chris' that morning, and how now, as they were leaving, everything was completely different. Justin felt Kevin's grip around his waist tighten. It was time to move forward, not look back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick drove in silence towards his house, his journal resting on the seat beside him. When he pulled into his garage he cut the motor and made no move to exit his car. Slowly, he reached over and picked up the book, looking at it warily. A few tears slipped from his eyes as he opened the book to a blank page. Grabbing a pen from the glove compartment, Nick closed his eyes and cleared his mind. When he opened his eyes again he began to write, filling over a dozen pages in total. Every emotion, thought, idea, and dream flowed through that pen. There were random words and sentences, not always making sense but Nick jotted everything down as he thought about it. He would interpret everything later. He just needed to get it all out of his head before it consumed him. When his fingers started to cramp and his eyes were blurred from the tears, he stopped writing. His breathing was laboured and his heart felt open and raw, a familiar feeling that day.

On unsteady legs Nick stepped out of the car and stumbled towards the house. The alarm code was deactivated and immediately after he stepped inside he punched in the code to change the password. Minutes later Nick had a new password for his alarm system. The first step to moving on was complete. It hurt like hell but he'd done it. Baby steps was what was going to get him through this.

The telephone was bypassed as Nick headed upstairs. He could care less who had phoned, their messages would be there in the morning, or whenever he felt like dealing with it. What he wanted to do most was take a shower and wash the day's events off of him. It was an hour before he reemerged. After drying off in the bathroom, he stalked into the bedroom naked not at all self concious about his body. He jumped in surprise when he saw the man sitting on the bed, watching the door expectantly.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, casually walking to his dresser and pulling out a pair of jogging pants and a tee shirt. When he got no response, Nick asked, "Well?"

"You didn't call." Chris' lip curled into a wry grin. He was expecting Nick's wrath, instead he got a sigh of resignation.

"I said I'd call tomorrow."

"But you need me tonight, so I'm here. The boys left right after you and I got to thinking. Remembering actually. I got to remembering a night not so very long ago that I wanted to be alone because it was the end of the world. I wanted to be alone and I was, but it wasn't what I needed. I needed someone to be there with me and let me cry. To hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I dealt with my pain alone and you know what it brought me? More pain. So I can't let you go through that, Baby." Chris pat the bed beside him invitingly. He smiled when Nick crawled on the bed, curling up beside him. They settled into a comfortable silence, Chris only resting when he could feel Nick relax against him.

An hour passed by and Chris figured that Nick had fallen asleep. He was startled when Nick's voice sounded in the room. "Thank you."


Chris ran his fingers through Nick's hair, kissing the top of his head softly. "You're welcome Nick. I'd do anything for you."

Nick felt his skin prick with awareness and he realized how true Chris' statement was. It was true, Chris WOULD do anything for him and that knowledge warmed his heart just a little. "I know." Nick shifted so that he could look directly into Chris' eyes. There was something deeper in the older man's gaze that Nick recognized all too well. He'd seen that look before and as comforting as it was, it made him feel a little awkward. Before anything went too far, he had to be completely honest. "Chris? I..."

He knew. Chris could tell the exact moment Nick knew his true feelings for him and felt his heart stop. It was as if the whole world stopped for a moment and before he realized he'd done it, Chris held his finger over Nick's lips to silence him. "Shhhh. It's okay."

"I'm.. I'm just not ready. Not right now."

"I know, and I'm not asking you for anything. Just let me take care of you. Please."

"I don't want to make this worse... I can't lose you too."

"You won't Nick. Believe me, it's going to be okay. I'm not going anywhere. Ever."

Nick couldn't think about it right now. He never would have expected Chris to fall in love with him, but at the same time, he never expected things to end with Kevin and Justin the way they had. His life had definitely taken an unexpected twist. Instead of answering Chris he closed his eyes and tried to relax. Right now he needed sleep. Lots of sleep. He would deal with everything else tomorrow.

Finis

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