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Title: Psycho Mumbo Jumbo
Author: Jules
Part: 1/1
Pairing: CarTrick
Rating: R for Language
Disclaimer: Fiction for entertainment purposes. Didn't happen.
Warning: Slash warning. Bigroupal warning
Notes: Meh. Got this idea on the subway last night and ran with it. Should have been out last night but I got tired. (*Stolen song lyric is from Robbie Williams, Let Me Entertain You. I fucking love that man!!!)

~~~~~~~~~~

The thing about depression is that a lot of the time, you don't realize that you're depressed. You go from being content today, to being in a slightly lesser state of contentment. Something that didn't bother you yesterday does today, then the next day it's something else and then something else until any feeling of contentment has long since vanished and you can't remember the last time you were genuinely happy. Not that anyone really wants to be depressed, it just happens gradually until you don't even remember who you were before the darkness appeared.

Chris thinks he's at that point, but he's not quite sure. He knows that he was happy at some point. He had to be. He was part of one of the best pop groups of all time, making money to do the one thing he loved most with four of the best friends that God could have given him. He had gone from worrying about where money for rent and food was going to come from to traipsing across Germany over worked and under paid to living the high life where he had money to burn.

Not that he literally burnt money. He wasn't raised stupid, that was Justin's department. One night after a show they'd been partying hard in someone's hotel room, Justin was drunk and in one of his moods. It was a mood where he had decided he was rich and famous enough to burn money, pretty much showing off for the fans they'd picked from outside the hotel to come up and party with them. Chris had never been so angry, disgusted or disappointed with someone and refused to talk to the younger man for two weeks. It took a sobbing Justin, drunk and curled up in the fetal position outside his hotel room door one night for Chris to relent and resume talking to him again. It wasn't a matter of actually burning money, but having the money to burn, and Chris was comfortably at that point in their success.

With all things considering, Chris had been happy. He was sure of it. Hell, Joey had enough video camera footage of Chris and the guys goofing around and having fun to back up his theory, but what Chris didn't understand was why he wasn't happy now, and what caused for this change in happiness.

It wasn't because NSYNC took a break, because he was desperately in need of one. It had been years and years since they'd had any serious time off and Chris' age was catching up with him. That and the amount of partying he'd done while touring. He'd been all for the postponement because he knows they'll record again and what they needed was time for things to cool down before coming out with anything new.

It wasn't because of Justin and JC's solo projects, as most people would assume. He'd always been Justin and JC's biggest fan and yes he would have liked to do some of his own material, but it wasn't anything that would affect his mental stability. He watched the problems that both of his other band mates faced and was silently thankful it was them and not him. He didn't deal well with people who didn't know shit about music telling him what to do and when to do it, so it was best that he remained in his corner, coming out only when beckoned.

The unhappiness doesn't make sense, but then again having Brian Littrell of all people point out his depression to him didn't quite make sense, but there he was, telling Chris that perhaps he should 'see someone about his obvious depression."

Chris couldn't help but laugh out loud at that. He'd been 'seeing someone' since midway through recording No Strings, but then all five of them had been recommended to see a therapist. Lou always had been quite good at what he did and didn't leave them short of bordering on nervous breakdowns, all at such a young age. But he wasn't going to tell Brian that he had been seeing a shrink, nor was he going to give Brian the satisfaction of knowing that his comment about depression had sparked something in his mind. No, instead he rolled his eyes and told him to mind his own damn boy band business. Chris had almost smiled as Brian stormed off, muttering something about only trying to help and Chris was certain that God's name had been mentioned.

"Do you think I'm depressed?" He asks his celebrity shrink the next time he's in her office, which happens to be the day after Brian's comment. She simply adjusts her glasses and scribbles down a few notes.

"Do YOU think you're depressed?"

Chris hates how she always answers his question by turning it back to him. He hates it more how well it works every single time.

"Well I didn't think so. I mean, isn't a little homicidal rage natural?" She raises an eyebrow and scribbles some more. She doesn't get his humour.

She never gets his humour.

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Seriously. I know I'm restless but I thought that was it. Boredom."

Restless?"

Chris goes into how he doesn't know what to do with his time, how boring it is to have nothing to do and no one to do it with. The nights may be long, but at least he sleeps through most of it, it's the days he seems to be having trouble with. "Whenever I want to do something, everyone's busy or doesn't want to do what I want to do. So I'm restless, and yes, perhaps in my state of restlessness I'm feeling a sense of discontent, but that's it. It's not depression. Just because sometimes I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to face the world and see how fucking happy people are and having it just be further proof that I'm not happy, but that doesn't mean anything. Do you think it means something?"

She doesn't blink and Chris wonders if her lips move or he dreams it. "Do YOU think it means something?"

Although he thought he didn't, clearly it does because he just starts talking about how much he misses the guys and the road and having no free time to think about all of his life's failures and regrets of what he should have done and what he could have done differently.

"Why does what 'Brian fucking Littrell' think matter so much?" She flips back a few pages of her notes and repeats what he'd said perfectly, same tone and with the same force as he'd said it. It causes for him to giggle to which she narrows her eyes at him slightly.

He's gotten in trouble for not taking their sessions seriously, which of course he hadn't but it wasn't like she was doing much for him anyways. If he WAS depressed, shouldn't she have said something before now and done something about it? For what she was being paid, he would have hoped so. "It doesn't mean anything."

"Then why bring it up?"

"Because..." Chris wants to say that he doesn't know, but he does. It isn't Brian's opinion that matters so much to him, it's what ... HE thinks that matters. And it shouldn't matter because it was a lifetime ago and he should be over it by now. He is over it by now except that he isn't and it sucks. It wasn't exactly a lifetime ago, but some days it feels like it was and some days it feels like it was yesterday and the wounds are still open and stinging. But the bottom line is that Chris fucked up, fucked up bigger than he'd ever fucked up in his entire life and if the tables were turned he doesn't think he'd ever forgive Nick, so that's why he can't ask for forgiveness himself. It's like ... he knew it was wrong when he was doing it, and as corny as it sounds, it DID hurt him more than it hurt Nick, but he still drove the knife in deeper and twisted it leaving them both a throbbing mass of blood and gore. Figuratively, not literally because as Chris has found out time and time
 again over the years, he always was more of a figurative type of person.

So when every single person who'd known about their relationship had felt it necessary to remind him exactly how brutal he'd been and how he'd broken Nick's heart, he knew that in reality, Nick's heart was still in one piece inside of his chest, thump thump thumping away. It just was a little bruised and battered, not so neatly placed on his sleeve where Nick always had kept it. That alone was probably Chris' biggest regret, something that hurts him every time he thinks about it.

Chris knew that it was him and him alone that had stripped the blonde of his innocence, or at least the last shred of it that he'd managed to hide from his parents, his band mates and the world. He'd always seen Nick as a fragile bird, one that was tough and self sufficient on the outside but desperately in need of someone to nurse him to health, both emotionally and physically. Chris had taken that role on effortlessly, much to the protesting of not only his own band mates but Nick's. Although no one would openly oppose their relationship, he knew they were suspicious and just waiting for it to fail. They had been good for each other, both being what the other needed. Chris just never thought that it would be him that would be the cause of it's demise.

Granted, he should have seen it coming because he'd never really had a successful ... or normal ... relationship. Every long term romance he'd had ended in a fiery death. He's quick to point out that it was not his fault every time though. It had been Dani, not him, who ended that relationship. She'd left him high and dry, feeling like his heart had been tossed into a blender and the pulse button hit repeatedly until there was nothing left. He never thought he'd be capable of inflicting that much pain on someone, especially someone he loved.

He'd been wrong.

"Chris?"

"Yeah?" He breaks from his daze and discreetly wipes the tears that have gathered in the corner of his eyes. Thankfully she's seen and heard it all and nothing phases her. Not that this is the first time he's cried during a session, it's just that it's been a long time since he has and he thought he was finally doing better.

Chris guesses that he has been depressed for a long time and just refused to come to grips with it.

"What's going through your mind?"

Chris pulls on the chain that attaches his wallet to his pants and pulls. Within seconds the wallet is sitting on his lap and he's fingering the embroidered shark on the front. It's a cheapo seventy five cent wallet that Nick bought him at a flea market somewhere but surprisingly it's lasted longer than any two hundred dollar leather wallet that Justin has bought him, saying that with the money they were making, they needed something pretty to put it in. Chris didn't give a shit what package it came in, it was what was inside that mattered, that's just how he's always lived his life. He looks up and stares her in the eyes. "Nick."

She nods and scribbles a few things down. "It always comes down to Nick doesn't it?"

And he knows it does, but he hates the way her voice takes on a bored tone. Of course, he could just be imagining it, he probably is, but he feels that she SHOULD be bored with the topic, seeing that everything indeed HAS come down to Nick. At least for the past six months since they broke up. Since he broke them up. "Yeah, I guess it does."

He talks for the second half of their time together about Nick, rehashing everything he can't forgive himself for. He know she's heard everything at least twice a week for the past six months, and he's amazed that she still has new things to write down with every time he tells it. One of these days he's going to ask her if he can read what she's been writing, but he knows he won't. He doesn't want to find out what she *really* thinks about him. But then again, he doesn't want to find out she's been doing her grocery list while he's been bearing his soul to her. He figures ignorance is bliss and he'd just rather not know more than he has to. As he finishes he waits for her question, the question that always signals the end of their time together.

"And what do you plan to do about Nick?"

Except this time she doesn't ask. He waits and she simply closes her leather bound case and takes a deep breath. "I think you did the right thing."

Chris's eyes nearly bug out of his head and his jaw drops. "You what?" She's not supposed to deviate from the standard routine. There's something oddly comforting about how they've developed a pattern and now that she's broken the pattern, he's lost. He doesn't move but she's up on her feet, shrugging.

"Christopher, clearly I'm not helping you. We've done this song and dance at least twice a week for the past six months. You come in and talk about something for the first half, which always brings us back to your relationship with Nick Carter..."

"Ex-relationship with Nick thank you very much." Chris is pouting. He's got his arms crossed over his chest and everything.

"Is it an ex-relationship? I mean really Chris, you tell me. He's still here in this room as much as he was when you two were together. And you ask me if you're depressed, yet you know the answer. You know what has caused it and you know how to fix it.... but you don't want to. You don't want help... I don't know WHAT you want, do you?"

Chris feels as though she's slapped him in the face and feels a surge of rage fill him. It dissolves quickly when he realizes how right she is and by breaking the routine, by telling him what she THINKS not what she should say, she's doing exactly what he wants. He needs someone to make him face things as they are, not as they seem in his head.

"Do you know what you want?"

Chris nods meekly.

"Then get him. Tell him. Do it or move on, because Chris, in my honest opinion, it's killing you inside. Our time is up."

She exits the room, leaving him watching her in wonder. He's been going to her for more years than he can count and she's managed to render him speechless, not something a lot of people could do. In fact, only one person prior had been able to do that, and he was who Chris was running from.

For four days her words rang through Chris' ears. It was the first thing he heard when waking up, the last thing he heard before falling asleep and it just played continuously in his head. "... tell him... do it or move on .... killing you inside..."

He knew he should do something, anything but he can't. He and Nick were too much alike and he shuddered to think what Nick thought of him after all this time. It was a battle but the thought of not knowing how much Nick hated him won out over having to hear whatever Nick had on his mind, so he holed himself up in his house and didn't call anyone. Didn't answer calls. Just made sure to avoid any contact with the real world.

The four days pass and he's done nothing but think about what he wants. What he wants, what he needs and what he has to do to achieve his wants and needs. It leaves him more confused and frustrated than when he'd started, and as he pulls into the parking lot to his doctor's office he hasn't really come to any solid conclusions except for his ultimate wish of having a time machine to rewind time about seven months and do things right.

He wants to be happy. Really wants it but just doesn't feel it's plausible. Or possible. Or plausibly possible. He's doomed to live in a purgatory hell of knowing he had perfect happiness and let it slip through his fingers.

Yeah, and that really sucks.

The office is exactly how it's always been, nothing much changes there. He nods to the receptionist who smiles and motions for him to sit down. He waits until exactly four minutes before two o'clock and the receptionist nods at him, letting him know he can go down to the spacious office behind the last door on the right of the hallway. As he always does, he looks at the pictures and plaques lining the walls, taking his time getting there. He knocks and waits until he hears her voice call 'Come in Chris," and he takes a deep breath.

Chris thought the voice that had been plaguing him for days had been bad, but it is nothing compared to when he walks in and sees her smiling at him. Just as he is about to tell her that he doesn't feel up to their session that day, his cell phone comes to life in his pocket. A choppy version of I Want It That Way sounds in the room and Chris actually blushes as she raises an eyebrow in amusement.

Embarrassment turned to panic when he sees the number illuminated on his screen. There, in bold letters is NICKY, blinking at him.


Before he can think too much about it he's pressed the 'talk' button with his thumb and brought the phone to his ear. "He..hello?"

"Chris? That you?"

Chris feels his knees giving out the second he hears Nick's voice, especially noting the concern present. "Uhh, yeah. How are you?"

"I'm okay. Been better but you know how it is." Chris nods despite the fact he knows Nick can't see it. Grappling for a nearby chair, Chris sits himself down and rubs his hand over his face. Everything from the past half year comes rushing back to him and he realizes he's trembling. He opens his eyes to find he is alone in the room. He allows a half smile before the reality of the situation comes rushing back to him. Now he just feels sick.

"What's up Nick? You okay?"

It was Nick's turn to sound nervous and that put Chris more at ease. "Uhh, I've been trying to get ahold of you for a few days. Bri said he ran into you and you were looking .... that you'd been..." Nick was fumbling for the politically correct way to continue that sentence and Chris loved him for it. Chris loved him for a handful of reasons, that was just one of them.

"Yeah, I've been a little out of sorts lately. Realizing how pathetic my life is... how empty it is.. what a complete fuck wad I am... the norm."


The conversation started off slowly, neither man knowing where to proceed and with how much caution. The longer they talked though, the easier it seemed to get and Chris knew that they'd barely chipped the surface of baggage they had to deal with. But two hours later Chris heard a faint knocking and watched as the door opened a crack. "Time's up Chris."

He looked down at his watch, shocked to see how much time had passed when it had felt like barely half an hour. "Nick, I should go... No.. I'm in someone's office and they need it back. Another appointment... no, I'm not doing anything right now... yeah, I could totally do coffee... didn't think you'd want to see me..." He made plans to meet Nick at an out of the way coffee shop and hung up the phone, feeling almost like a new person. Standing up, Chris crosses the room and pulls his shrink in for a tight hug, unsure of exactly why he's hugging her but knowing that in a round about way, she had something to do with his new found view on life. Maybe she really WAS worth the exorbitant amount of money he pays her. Maybe they'd talk about that in his session next week.

"Was today's session helpful?" She asks causing for Chris to suspect she had something to do with it.

"Did you tell him to call?" He knows right away she didn't, not only because of the look of complete shock on her face, but the confidentiality agreement they have. Plus as he checks his cell phone, there are like 10 new messages, all from either Nick or Brian. They've been trying to get ahold of him for at least a few days, the first calls coming in before he'd even spoken to her. "Never mind, I have to go.."

She smiles at him and shakes her head. "I suggest decaf... you're pretty wired on a bad day so.." They share a knowing grin. Right now he feels better than he has felt in longer than he'd like to think about. His phone rings and he looks at the screen.

Nicky again.

"Yes?"

"You are going to come right? You're not going to freak out halfway there and not show up?" Nick's voice is concerned and Chris giggles. The blonde knows him too well. On any other day, he probably would punk out halfway there, but with his shrink watching him curiously, a cross between anxious to get him out so her next patient can come in and genuinely happy to see him smiling again he knows he's not going to do that. His momma didn't raise no dummy and Chris knows when opportunity is knocking.

And this time opportunity is coming in the form of Nick Carter to possibly bring him his happiness back.

"Of course I'm coming Nick. I'll be there in forty. If you beat me there, order me a decaf... apparently I can get a little wired sometimes." He grins and winks as he leaves the room, feeling something that reminds him of a former version of himself.

The thing about depression is that a lot of the time, it takes something serious to pull you out of it. It can be gradual, as gradual as falling into the depression, which can take days, weeks or even months to work through. Or it can be something happening suddenly to make you realize what's causing it and it shows you the path to take to help beat it. Something that bothered you yesterday doesn't bother you as much today, and then the next day something else seems less pressing until any feeling of discontentment has long since vanished and you've forgotten what it felt like to be so unhappy. And when you are unhappy, it's a fleeting feeling that is gone with the next breath, especially when it's a breath from the one you love, being blown directly into your soul reminding you that you are loved, despite what you've convinced yourself of.

Chris remembers the darkest six months of his life with a mixture of regret and fondness. You have to get high before you taste the lows, he'd heard that in a song one time and it was probably one of the most true things he'd ever learned. He'd had his fair share of highs and lows, and each made it possible for you to feel the other. When you were high, you did what you could not to get low, and when you were low, it made you appreciate the better days. He's not saying he won't ever find himself in that position again, that's just something he can't predict. But what he can say is that for now, in the here and now he's working on things. Working on getting Nick to trust him again, which seems to be easier than he'd originally thought but still difficult when he's not sure he deserves it. He's also working on dealing with issues he has, issues that with the help of his shrink and Nick, who's agreed to accompany him once a week to appointments when necessary, he's slowly coming to
 grips with. But mostly he's finding that it's taking less and less reminding of what makes him happy. He knows now and it's more about maintaining that happiness rather than finding it, because the happiness is always there within you, it's just what you do with it when you've realized it.

Looking into Nick's eyes, hearing his voice and being so close he can smell his cologne, Chris has his happiness and it's everything he needs to survive.

Finis

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