Saving the Best for Last

Title: Saving The Best For Last
Author: Jules
Part:1/1
Feedback: Sure. I'd love it - mailto:slash_me_baby@yahoo.com
Rating: PG 13
Pairing:Nick/Lance
Disclaimer: Not true. Just fiction
Warning:Slash WarningMAJOR ANGST WARNING.
Saving The Best For Last
by Jules
Nick couldn't remember where he was when he heard the news, all he knew was that a sense of overwhelming relief mixed with sadness had consumed him. He wasn't going to go. The corporate sponsors hadn't come through and now he was the laughing stock of the entertainment business. That part didn't bother Nick, he didn't give a fuck what people thought of him or his lover. All he cared about was the man in Houston right now who's dream was being shattered, all with world wide coverage.
He was relieved. Releived that Lance wasn't going to space and that nothing would happen to him. That he wouldn't be on a space ship to disaster which would only explode upon blast off, or even worse, something happen to him while up in space. "Anything can happen to us at any time Nick, I'm no safer here than I am up there," Lance had argued when they'd discussed his fears of the mission.
"But you're like, tempting fate or something," He'd fought back, afraid to show his lover just how affected he was by it.
They'd talked about it ad nauseum, where both men had come to their own conclusions and nothing was going to change their minds. Lance was going. Nick was afraid. The only thing they had to wait for was the final go ahead.
And now, it was over. The sponsors couldn't come up with the cash in time and Russia denied him the opportunity. His training was to be terminated immediately and Mr. Bass was to be thanked for his interest and shown the door.
Yet with his relief, Nick also felt sadness. Sure, his lover was going to stay on the planet, not leave the atmosphere to search for new life, or whatever they were planning on doing up there. He was going to be where Nick could see him and touch him and not have to worry about him exploding into a million little Lance parts. But Nick knew how important this whole deal was to him, how even though NSYNC had been his dream, this had been an even bigger one and the pain in his voice, sadness in his eyes made Nick feel a little guilty at how relieved he was.
Nick dialed the familiar numbers of Lance's cell phone, frowning when the voice mail kicked in and Lance's deep voice greeted him, instructing to leave a message. Clicking end, Nick dialed another number, frowning once again as voice mail kicked in. It wasn't like Lance to have both of his cell phones off, especially his private one that only 5 people had the number for. It was for JC, Chris, Joey, Justin and himself. The most important people in his life the only ones given that phone number. Sighing, Nick tried his home number, thinking maybe he'd gone straight home and would answer there, but yet again he was met with no answer, frustration building
As much as he figured that Lance would want to be alone for this, he needed to talk to him. Needed to know if he was okay. With one last ditch effort to find his lover, Nick called JC and waited for him to pick up the phone. "Hello?"he heard JC say, his voice tired and scratchy.
"C? What's up it's Nick."
"Umm oh hey Nick. How's it going?"If Nick were right, he thought he heard a little uneasiness in JC's voice and instantly knew Lance was there. A jab of pain stabbed him in the heart that Lance would go to JC before him. He had long since gotten over the jealousy of how close Lance was with JC, but there were times when Nick felt he still played second string. That he just wasn't as important as the other guys in Lance's group, still an outsider looking in.
"Good. Can I talk to Lance please?"He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice and prayed that it didn't show half of the emotion he was feeling.

"Ummm... I don't know what you're..."
"It's okay JC. I know he's there. I just need to know if he's okay," Nick closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. His pulse was racing and hands were trembling. He heard JC cover the receiver and speak in hushed tones to someone, probably Lance. After a few minutes he returned to the phone.
"Nick. It's not a good time right now okay. Can I have him call you later?"Nick could tell by JC's voice he was torn and not exactly thrilled with having to give him this message, but there was nothing he could do about it.
He took a deep breath and willed the tears away. "Josh, is he okay? How is he handling it? Please, just tell me that much."
"No. Badly. That's all I can tell you Nick. I'm sorry. I'll have him call you when he's up to it,"JC's voice was soft and apologetic.
It was the last straw for Nick and the tears slowly started down his cheeks. He didn't even bother trying to hide the emotion from his voice. "Thanks C. Just ...please tell him ..tell him I love him."
"I'm sorry Nick, you have to understand..."JC started. He was cut off by Nick.
"Please ...just tell him."
"Okay."
Nick hung up and let the sobs wrack his body. He slowly walked up to his bedroom and crawled under the covers, wanting to hide away from the world. Things had never been so bad that Lance didn't want to talk to him about it, didn't want to see him. The fact that he'd gone to JC and refused contact brought forth a startling realization to him, that maybe they weren't as strong as Nick had previously believed. He loved Lance with everything he had. Hell, he'd even come out of the closet to the guys so they could be together, but sometimes he wondered if Lance wasn't as confident in their relationship. If the older man loved him as much as he professed to.
After two days of waiting for Lance's phone call, Nick finally got out of bed and into the shower. Everything had played in his mind a million times and the thing that stuck out most was that Lance still hadn't called, hadn't even wrote him a fucking email. No word and when he phoned JC's house, the few times he'd managed to swallow the fear inside of him and dial all the numbers without hanging up, no one answered.
By the sixth day, Nick decided to go out and do something. He couldn't sit by and wait his whole life away. Things needed to be done and there were people he should see. In waiting for Lance to call him, he'd neglected everyone else to the point that they thought something had happened to him. He phoned up a few friends and decided to go for dinner, just to clear his mind. He thought he was doing fine, handling things perfectly until he saw a familiar smile from across the room halting everything around him. At the exact same moment, their eyes met and Nick saw a look of panic enter their eyes.
"N..Nick!"Justin said, extending his hand to shake. Trembling, Nick copied the action and they stood there awkwardly, neither knowing what to say.
"So... How's Lance? Still with JC?"He watched as a slight flush covered Justin's face and he wouldn't meet Nick's eyes.
"Ummm. Nah,"Justin spoke rubbing his head nervously. "He's ..ummm he's in New York. Went up to visit Joey and see the play. Hasn't he, ummmm, phoned you?"
Nick's stomach dropped suddenly and he was afraid he was going to be sick. With tears in his eyes he shook his head and blinked them back. "Uh, no. He hasn't. It was ....great to see you Justin. I have to ummm, go now."
He didn't wait for Justin to react before bolting out of the restaurant, hoping that his knees didn't give out and send him falling to the floor. It was the most blinding pain he could ever remember being in, even worse than when he had to sit by and watch his best friend go in for open heart surgery because this time it was his heart that was broken and he had no idea what he'd done to deserve it.
The next week was spent moping around his house, Nick barely mustering up the energy to cook anything, let alone eat it. All phone calls were screened, and they were mostly from friends, his and Lance's, making sure he was all right. Of course he wasn't all right. It had been nearly two weeks since Lance had been dismissed from Space Training, and longer than that since they'd spoken. In the two years they'd been together, this was the longest they'd ever not spoken, and Nick feared that things were rapidly coming to an end with them. All he wanted was an explantion, a reason, a chance to find out what he had done and try to fix it.

"Come on Nick. You've got to start answering the phone. Talk to me man. I know that you're in a shitty place right now, but it's not healthy," AJ's voice came through loud and clear, the once sympathetic tones now replaced with those of frustration and anger. "So he's decided that he's going to be a fucking bitch and take the cheap way out. Maybe it's better this way. Now you now what he really is."
Nick sighed as he listened to the message, forwarding through the rest of it and deleting it immediately. AJ was right. Lance was a coward. Lance was an asshole. Lance fucking broke his heart and didn't even call to do it himself. Storming up to the bathroom, he took a long hot shower and tried to clear his head. Lance had clearly gotten over him in the month since he'd been gone, it was time for Nick to do the same. There was no use sitting at home waiting for someone who was never going to come back. The tears mixed with the water from the shower he ad and once he finally emerged, Nick felt better than he had in months. The ache in his heart was still there, but just not as strong.
Just as he was about to leave the house the phone rang. Something in the pit of his stomach knew that this was the phone call he'd been waiting for. The one that held his happiness in it's hands. On shakey legs, he crossed the room and picked up the receiver, placing it to his ear. "Hello?"
There was silence on the other end.
"Hello?"He repeated, recognizing the low breathing anywhere. Tears pricked his eyes and Nick wasn't sure if they were tears of anger, sadness or happiness.
"I'm sorry. I ..."and before anything else was said, the caller hung up the phone.
"Fuck,"Nick growled, instantly dialing the numbers to Lance's private cell phone, listening as it rang.
"Umm Hello?"Lance said softly, clearly surprised that it had rung.
"Fuck you Lance. You've got something to say to me, say it. But don't fucking call here after a month of avoiding me and say you're sorry and hang up. You're damn right you're sorry,"It was out before Nick could stop himself but amazingly, he felt better for saying it. It was like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, letting the rage out proving to settle it as well.
"Nick I.."Lance started, clearly not sure of what he wanted to say.
"You what? You've talked to everyone but me? You've spent the last month going from JC's, to Joey's, to Chris' and Justin's and thought that I wouldn't find out about it? That I'm the only one you DIDN'T want to see, hear from?"Nick heard Lance gasp, unable to stop he continued. "What? You didn't think they'd at least let me know how you were doing? At least someone was thinking about me and my state of mind, because you sure as hell weren't."
"You have to understand.."
"I have to understand what Lance? That you didn't think I'd care. That you didn't think I was sitting here for the past 30 fucking days wondering how you were doing, wondering why you hadn't phoned, come by, even emailed me. What do I have to understand, because frankly, I think you made it perfectly clear."Nick wasn't sure when the tears started but now they were streaming down his face, his hands shaking violently.
"Can.. can I see you? Please?"Lance was crying now too, Nick could hear it in his voice and that made him feel better. It made him feel good to know that he wasn't the only one who was hurting, that he wasn't the only one who cared.
"I don't know. It's not like you were all that eager to see me in the last 30 days while I've been sitting here in my fucking house waiting for you to call. Maybe you can wait for a bit, I don't want to see you right now."With that Nick hung up the phone and dropped to the couch, wondering what the hell he just did. He'd been waiting for a month for Lance to call, and when he finally did, what did he do, told him he didn't want to see him and hung up on him.
He hadn't even realized he'd fallen asleep until later when a door bell woke him up. Startled, Nick jumped from the couch and rubbed his eyes wearily, feeling like he'd been hit by a truck. As he pulled the door open, he found himself standing face to face with JC.
"What are you doing here?"He asked, suddenly feeling uneasy.
"I came to see you."
"I don't want to see anyone. Sorry you wasted the trip."Nick tried to close the door but JC's foot blocked it.
"I understand why you're upset Nick, but please don't shut him out."

Nick spun around quickly, the anger flaring up once again. "Don't tell me you understand, because you can't. And don't tell me not to shut him out because I think that I've been fucking shut out for long enough and maybe, just maybe I'm the one who deserves a little slack here. So if that's all you came to say to me Josh, you can leave now."It wasn't exactly a suggestion but more of an order, Nick's tone clear. He heard a sigh of resignation from JC and knew that he was about to say something by the quick intake of breath. "Save it. We're finished here. You've been here before, so you know how to get out."
His whole body was shaking as he climbed the stairs, his first breath taken when he heard the door close and a car start up. Through an old window in the attic, Nick watched JC's car slowly move down his driveway, leaving him alone once again.
The massive amounts of phone calls stopped. Nick knew they probably would and had expected it. People would only call for so long without getting a reply before they'd give up completely, figuring that he would get back to them when he was ready. Plus he knew that JC most likely told both groups of guys what had happened, so thankfully, Nick was spared that grueling task. But every hour on the hour his phone rang, and he didn't need to hear the voice mail to know who it was. Lance.
On the third day Nick was ready. He'd spent hours upon hours thinking and rethinking things. Evaluating their relationship and everything that went along with it, and there was one constant. One thing that stuck through his mind louder than everything else, and he knew it was time to face the facts and deal with the problem.
"Lance. I think we need to talk,"Nick spoke calmly into the receiver as he stood in his kitchen overlooking the beach.
"Oh god baby. Thank you so much. I've been so afraid, so worried. When? Where?"Lance's voice was desperate, bringing chills to Nick's skin.
"Meet me at the beach house,"was all Nick said confident that Lance knew where he was talking about.
"When?"
"How is tonight? 6?"
"Fine. Anything. I'll be there baby, I can't wait to see you."
"Six o'clock Lance. Don't be late,"Nick said neutrally, before hanging up the phone. It was almost 2 now, so he had four hours to pull himself together to do what needed to be done. Fix what had been broken for a lot longer than he'd even allowed himself to realize.
He pulled up to the beach house early, wanting to be there before Lance. It would give him the upper hand and Nick needed as much strength as he could get. His eyes roamed around the small beach house, a haven that they had escaped to on many occasions. It was a place that was theirs and theirs alone, tucked away in the corner of a piece of land that Howie owned. It was where they had first professed their love for one another and consummated their relationship. Whenever anything was wrong or they simply needed an escape, they could go there and hide from the world, knowing that everything was going to be all right.
Lost in his own thoughts, Nick was startled as he heard tires on the gravel driveway. One glimpse out of the window confirmed his knowledge that it was Lance, meeting him as he'd instructed. 5:59, Nick smiled at Lance's punctuality. His stomach was churning as he heard Lance make his way to the door, knocking timidly before entering. That one gesture spoke volumes, showing Nick that what he knew in his heart was true. Neither could hide the gasps of surprise as they saw one another for the first time in over a month, both looking pale and tired. The emotional strain was clear for both of them, and each noticed the other had lost a consider able amount of weight.
"Lance,"Nick spoke in a whisper, unable to believe that his lover was right in front of him.
"Thank you for seeing me Nicky. I was so afraid that you...."
"Three days Lance. Three fucking days. That's nothing. You want to talk afraid, you want to talk desperate and so god damned confused that you don't know which way is up and which is down? Try .."He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. This wasn't going the way he wanted. Anger wasn't what he needed right now, he had to be calm. Opening his eyes he saw the hurt and shame in Lance's face and he almost felt sorry for him. Almost. "I'm sorry Lance, that's not wh at I wanted to start off with."
"No baby, I deserve it. I deserve it and more. But I need you to listen to me, to understand why I was gone for so long,"Lance moved towards Nick and stopped as the taller man stepped away from him. Nick held out his hand for Lance to stay where he was.

Nick stared at him for a few minutes, not saying a word. When he saw the hesitation on Lance's face he spoke. "Sit down. Tell me why you were gone and didn't even call. Explain to me what was so fucking important that I was left here on my own not even knowing how you were..."
"Josh told you I was okay. You knew where I was,"Lance interrupted, pleading with Nick.
"I needed to hear it from you. My boyfriend. My lover. My soul mate."Tears were pooling in the corners of Nick's eyes and he didn't even bother to wipe them away. He needed Lance to know exactly how much his absence had affected him. He wanted Lance to feel every bit of pain that he had. "This is your chance, say what you've got to say to me."He watched Lance blink once. Twice. He looked away and then took a deep breath.
"Okay. I went to Josh first. I knew he understood exactly what I was going through. He knew that this had been my dream for forever. He got that little part of me no one else got, and what I needed was someone who wouldn't be happy that I wasn't going, who wasn't relieved."
At that, Nick felt guilty for his feelings of relief and broke the eye contact between the two of them. He blinked a few tears back before reestablishing the contact.
"And I knew you'd call there first, and he would tell you I was okay. I never meant for you to worry. So I stayed with him for a week. There was some unfinished business that I had to do with him and things that needed to be cleared up. When I felt that the time was right, I went to New York to see Joe. Same with him. I just needed time alone with him to get things off of my chest, deal with unresolved issues."
Nick's stomach churned with each word from Lance's mouth, wanting so desperately to break in but needing to listen to everything he had to say.
"From Joe's I went to Chris' and stayed a week there. Same thing as the other two, and finally I was at Justin's. I guess I just needed to reconnect with them. So much has happened in the past few years and I felt that we were drifting apart. I needed them to know that they're still very much a part of my life and that this whole space thing, this whole EVERYTHING hasn't affected that,"Lance paused to take a breath.
"I get it. So you were going to see the most important people on your list. Sort of like putting the past behind you and dealing with things. Clearing everything up and just getting over the fact that the one dream you've had since childhood was no longer an option,"Nick spoke slowly as if trying to work things out in his head. When he looked up he saw a hopeful look on Lance's face, a smile breaking out on his lips.
"Exactly baby. Just tying up loose ends. I'm so glad you understand."
"Oh Lance, I understand. I understand perfectly. I understand that you see everyone that means so much to you, and I'm the last one on your list. AFTER you've seen JC, Joey, Chris and Justin, THEN you've got time for me. But it's always been that way. You've always put me second to the group, fifth to the guys. And I don't even get a personalized phone call. Just a call from JC to let me know you're okay. A call from Joey to say you're in New York, which by the way came AFTER Justin had already told me you were there. Then a call from Chris to say that you made it to his place okay, and finally one from Justin to say that you're okay and healing nicely. That you're much happier and peaceful than when they all picked you up in Houston to bring you to JC's. So I understand exactly WHERE in your life I am positioned. And all this time I've been upset with you, when really it's my own fault. I've known this all along, but have decided to ignore it. How could I be so stupid."
Nick watched Lance's smile fade quickly, his pale face turn deathly white. Realization was sitting in with Lance and Nick felt like he was going to be sick. He hoped that he had the strength to do this.
"No.. Oh god NO. That's not it at all. How could you think that Nicky?"The panic was rising in Lance's voice.
"But its' true. You saved me until last. You saw everyone, talked to everyone and then when you were done, you gave me a call ."
"But it wasn't like that. I was telling them that I thought that we needed to take a bit of a longer break from everything so you and I could be together. That I was tired of hiding us, seeing you every few months for a few hours here, a night there and I wanted time for us to fully develop, see where we could go. Oh god Nick, I was doing it for you. For us!"Nick watched as Lance's green eyes filled with tears and his breathing was laboured.
Nick let out a laugh that was low and sarcastic. "You did that for us? You did that for you. Everything's for you and your group. Your guys. It's always been that way Lance. I'm never first in your life. I'm never even second."He shook his head and walked towards the window, staring out blindly.
"I was saving the best for last. I did everything that I had to do, and had cleared the next god knows how many months so we could be together. Go away somewhere and just be Nick and Lance. Together,"Lance's

voice was soft now, as though he were in shock. When Nick turned around he saw the pure pain and anguish on Lance's face, recognizing it instantly. It was the same mask he'd been wearing for the past month.
"That's the problem Lance. When you save the best for last, sometimes there's not always room. You take things for granted that they're always going to be there, and when you finally decide to get to them, they're gone. They've seen the other side and realize that they deserve better than second place."Nick's heart was breaking piece by piece, with each word uttered.
"What ...what does this mean Nick?" Lance whispered, body trembling.
"It means I'm tired of it Lance. I'm tired of JC being the first person you go to when something happens. I'm tired of being pushed aside because Justin needs you for something. I'm tired of having to compete with them for your attention."Nick knew it wasn't too much to ask because he had the same situation Lance did, but never once put his lover lower than his first priority. "I wanted you to call ME because you were upset. I wanted to be the one to hold you and tell you that I was so fucking sorry you couldn't go because it was your dream and I'd rather you live your dream than stay behind because I love you too much to let you go. I was willing to go however many sleepless nights it was going to be, worrying for your safety, just to see the look on your face when you came back. To be able to listen for hours and hours on end about every little detail, every thingyou saw, every emotion you felt while you were up there,"Nick took a breath before continuing. "Hell Lance, when I heard that the corporate sponsors backed out I nearly phoned in and said 'here's $20 million dollars, who do I make the cheque out to'. But I wanted to know what you had to say about it, how you felt and I didn't."
Lance was speechless, unable to move a muscle or even blink an eye.
"That's right baby, I wanted to give you the world, the whole fucking universe,"Nick said nodding his head at the look of shock on Lance's face. "But of course you ran straight to them. You said you saved the best for last Lance but it's just not enough for me anymore. I'm tired of waiting for you to realize that I'm in this forever. That it's just me and you. Not Backstreet or NSYNC or anything. YOU."
"I'm sorry. But now we can be together. I've told them all and they understand, they support it."
"That's the difference between you and I Lance. You've needed their support to continue this. You've needed their collective okay for us to be together. I haven't. I don't care what anyone says, it's me and you and if they don't like it then that's their problem. I can't do this if I've always got that fear of them being there, waiting. Of me being pushed aside for them."The finality in Nick's tone caused them both to stop and stare at one another. They were talking around in circles now and the time to stop avoiding the issue had come.
"So..."
"So I'm sorry Lance. I'm so fucking sorry but I can't do this anymore. I can't be what you want me to be, second string to your life."
Lance broke out into a fresh wave of tears as he pleaded with Nick to reconsider. "I promise it won't be that way. I need you. I love you, please don't do this."
"I can't not do this Lance. This past month has been pure hell for me, and I'd rather be alone and lovingyou, knowing where I standthan with you watching you live your life around me waiting for the other shoe to drop."Tears were falling down Nick's cheeks as he watched the only person he'd ever love realize that it was over. They were over. "I'm sorry, but we've got to end this. Take some time apart from each other and reevaluate our lives. See what's important and go from there."
"I love you so much Nick. Please know that I love you. I don't want this, I want to be with you. I want..."
"It's always about what you want Lance. It always has been, but this time, It's about what I want and what I need. And I want to be someone's first priority. I want to be the one that someone counts on. I want to be loved like I love you, and right now I'm not getting it."He wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to smile at the man who had broken his heart one times too many. "Don't forget I love you though. This doesn't mean I don't. I love you too much to stay with you and hate you, because eventually Lance, if things don't change, I will. And I don't want to hate you."
Lance nodded, understanding the reasoning but hating it at the same time. With each passing day that he was away, he knew that he was pressing his luck. That it was another day wasted in telling Nick exactly how much the younger man meant to him. But in the back of his head, Lance figured it would be okay. That Nick would wait for him and things would be exactly how they always had been. It hadn't. And now he was paying the price.
"I love you Nicky. More than I think you know."

"Prove it to me. Walk away."
They watched each other with puffy, bloodshot eyes, neither wanting to make the first move for the door. As soon as they left the cabin, it would be over. That was understood. It was as if Lance knew that the move was his, he owed Nick this much at least. With a forced smile he put his fingers to his lips and held them up to Nick, turning before the next flow of tears could come. "I love you Nicky," he whispered softly, one hand on the door. Lance paused for a few seconds and when no reply came he exited through the door leaving Nick to watch his retreating frame.
When Nick saw that Lance was in his car, sobbing as he pulled away from the beach house, he allowed himself to answer. "Good bye Lance, I love you too."
Finis