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Title: Secrets
Author: Jules
Part:  1/1
Rating: PG-13 for some language (I think it says fucker at some point)
Pairing:  Justin/??
Disclaimer:  Fiction.  I made it up.
Warning:  Except that I don't tell the pairing, no warnings. 
Dedication:  To NicksKinkyChicks.  I swear, you girls are the reason for my sanity.  ...Maybe I should be blaming you for my being insane then! LMFAO  But seriously though.  You girls are the best, and I love you for listening to me cry, laugh and rant on a daily basis.  If I were you, I'd have put me on the "ignore sender' list a freakin long time ago!!!  You're the best mofos a girl can know!!!    And yeah, that was a compliment!! 
~~~~~
Secrets
by Jules

Justin Timberlake has secrets that no one knows about.  Things that he's kept so well hidden that even the people close to him, the five men that he has been through hell and back with aren't even aware of.  And for Justin, keeping a secret, any secret, is a monumental occasion.  In fact, there have been times that he's just wanted to come right out and tell them when they tease him for his gossipy lips and inability to keep anything to himself, that he CAN and HAS kept the biggest, most important secret of his life, just so they could shut up about it.  But he knows that if he tells them that he has kept a secret, that they are going to want to know what it is and badger and hound him until he tells it, thus only proving them right in the long run.

 

So he continues keeping it to himself.  And if he's honest with himself, he likes it better that way.  He likes having something that no one knows about.  Likes there being a part of himself that is his and his alone.  Sure, there are times when he's laying with Chris late at night and they're watching tv and just talking about nothing in particular and Chris tells him that he's his best friend and is glad because they can tell each other anything, he feels a pang of regret that Chris thinks that he's as open about his life as the older man is.  But when that happens, he simply nods and says, 'yeah man, I hear ya.'  He wonders what Chris would say if he told him the secret.

 

Probably nothing, but still.  Justin doesn't say a word.

 

He also doesn't say a word when Lance tells him he's changed.  When Lance wonders where the innocent little boy he once knew and adored had gone, replacing him with a cocky, self assured bastard that would sell out his best friends, his girlfriend, for fame.  He takes it knowing Lance doesn't have a clue to what he's talking about.  Lance is angry, and rightfully so, although Justin doesn't think that he's the fair target of the rage.  It wasn't his fault that the money fell through.  It wasn't his fault that Lance's dream had gone up in smoke, and it sure as hell wasn't his fault that he'd been approached to do a solo CD during their break.  Justin hated the way Lance blamed him sometimes, especially after having a few drinks and allowing himself to think about everything the past few years had brought them.  But Justin didn't fault him for it.  There were things that Justin understood, and Lance's mood swings was one of those things.   That was why when Lance questioned where "his Justin" had gone, Justin kept his mouth sealed and his secret safely hidden, because what Lance didn't know was the insecure, shy little boy was still in there.  It was just that he didn't get you anywhere and Justin had places to be and things to do.

 

When Joey does Broadway and his life is suddenly all showbiz and agents, Justin keeps his mouth shut and congratulates him.  Everyone thought that he would be the only one doing anything of any importance on their break from the group.  No one anticipated the success that Joey found.  He was in NYC living it up.  'Back to his roots' he'd said, and Justin knew it was the truth because long before Joey had gone to Orlando and had aspirations to be in a famous pop group, he'd always wanted to be on Broadway.  You knew you'd made it when you got there, and Joey had made it.  Not only that, he had his child with him, and the woman he knew he was going to marry.  It didn't matter how many groupies Joey cheated with, his heart was always in the same place, with Kelly.  Justin, albeit a little envious of his best friend, congratulated him on the life he'd always wanted and got.  Sure, people think that it's still Justin with the life of gold, living the dream, Justin sees it differently. Justin knows, because Justin lives it.  He wouldn't even dare to think about telling Joey any of his secrets because admitting them would admit failure, and everyone knows Justin Timberlake is anything but a failure.

 

JC is the only one Justin might have even had an inclination to tell his secret to, but he couldn't.  It wasn't because Josh couldn't keep a secret, he could.  And had.  There were things that Justin had told to him that he'd kept locked up for ages, and still, even when Justin had himself revealed the secrets, Josh still refused to talk about it because it wasn't his story to tell.  It was something that Justin admired in the older man.  And it wasn't as if JC wouldn't understand, because Justin knew he would.  Josh was probably the most sympathetic and understanding person he knew, and even when Josh didn't quite 'get' what you were trying to tell him, he would still listen knowing you needed to get it off of your chest.  Josh was just great that way.

 

The hotel room seems almost stifling now and the walls are closing in on him.  Of course only figuratively, literally they're still where they always were, forming a sort of prison around him.  Keeping him there, when all he wanted to do was run.  Hide.  Find safety and security.  Go back to what he knows, instead of living in uncertainty.  It's all his own fault though, the suffocating feeling.  The sensation that he's drowning.  Because he knows, they both know that he can leave any time.  He can walk out the door and never come back.

 

There were never any demands made.


No chains binding.


No promises.  Or threats.  Or even expectations.


Except the ones he put on himself.  Which were, of course, the ones he feared the most.

 

He wasn't a prisoner.  But he was, because he couldn't leave.  He couldn't walk out that door and never come back because there was too much he was leaving behind.  Too much that depended on this room, and if not this particular room, then one vaguely similar to it.  He was emotionally bound, and when the panic died down and he let himself fully relax, he realized it wasn't so much as a binding but a connection.

 

He didn't want to leave.  He didn't want to end it.  It was his decision.  It was always his decision, and his decision was to stay. 

 

Justin looks at the clock and sees that the numbers haven't changed as much as they should have.  Only fifteen minutes has passed since he's looked last, he has forty five more to go.  He cocks his head to the side and thinks about it.  REALLY thinks about it.  He hasn't unpacked his bags.  Or bag as the case may be.  There's only one.  Filled with clean underwear, socks, a few shirts and a pair of jeans.  His discman is in there too, but he doesn't want music.  He wants to be able to think, but now that he's thinking, he doesn't  know if it is all that wise.  Thinking seems to be  his major downfall.

 

He's decided to stay.  Wait it out, because it's never as bad as he assumes it's going to be.  He always makes it seem worse than it is.  He decides to make a few phone calls, which isn't the best of ideas, because when they ask him where he is and what he's doing, he almost tells them.

 

Almost. 

 

Chris can be a persistent little fucker when he wants to be and as soon as he thinks you're keeping something from him, which Justin is, he goes on and on until you tell him.  Or hang up.  Justin hung up.

 

Chris phoned back five minutes later and Justin was relieved when Chris didn't keep bitching at him.  The thing about Chris was he knew when to let it go when you really needed him to, and Justin did.  Their whole conversation, both of them, took all of ten minutes until Chris had to go and Justin said fine, 'he had other things going on anyways'. 

 

He turns the TV on to see what's happening in the land of MTV, nothing exciting.  Flicking he checks out the movies, seen 'em all.  Porn.  So not what he's needing right now.  That goes on for another fifteen minutes until he's crawling the walls.  It's almost time anyways.

 

He still can make an escape without being seen.  And if he does, he knows it will be fine.  Business as usual.  No hard feelings.

 

He'd left one time.  Only once and regretted it for days.  Weeks.  Months.  He still regrets it, but he's not sure what he regrets more, the fact that he left or the fact that it wasn't an issue.  It was like ...they hadn't even noticed.  That's what Justin felt most sad about.  So when he grabs his bag and zips it back up, he feels a panic worse than the one he's been experiencing for the past fifty minutes.  Okay hour and fifty minutes, no one has to know just HOW early he was.  That's another part of the secret he knows no one would believe.  Justin waiting on something.  Not the other way around.

 

He really isn't who they think he is and that is what intrigues him the most.  They think they know him.  His friends.  Family.  Jive.  The fans.  Everyone has their own ideas of who Justin Timberlake is.  But they know.  Or to be more specific HE knows.  He knows all of Justin's secrets, the ones he's terrified people will find out.  The ones that keeps Justin awake some nights, wondering how he'd become the man he was today.  Afraid that at some point, his closest full of skeletons, figuratively not literally of course, is going to open and he'll be exposed for the fraud he is.  He knows and what shocks Justin the most is that he doesn't care.  He knows them and still...

 

There is a rustling outside the door and Justin's back stiffens.  The bag drops from his hand and his pulse is racing, his heart is palpitating at a dizzying speed.  His chance to escape is gone and they're here.

 

He's here.

 

There is a faint sound of the card disengaging the lock and a pause.  Justin can just see them looking each way down the hall, making sure.  When he deems it acceptable to enter, the door is opened wider and a figure steps through, causing for Justin to gasp softly.

 

It's time.

 

"You're here."  It's said as if a surprise that Justin had stuck around and waited.  Not chickened out.  The tone is neutral, not giving away anything.  A glimmer of annoyance picks at Justin's brain and he wants to say something about it.  But he doesn't because in the long run, it doesn't matter.  Nothing matters.

 

"I said I'd be here."  His tone is a little sharp and he sees one eyebrow raise, almost comically.  As if they find the situation humourous.  Justin blushes immediately and hates that he feels embarrassed.  They know this and continue into the room, dropping their bag on the floor.  Looking down it's clear that Justin was just about to bolt.  They know and they let out a little chuckle.

 

"Guess I got here just in time."

 

It's the last bit of dialogue that is said for quite a while, words not necessary any longer.  They both know why they're here and what they came to do.  It's been a game they've been playing for years now.  A game they'll be playing for years to come, Justin knows this.

 

His next rational thought, or irrational since Justin isn't sure any of his thoughts are on the rational side, is after it's over.  They're both spent, laying in twisted, damp sheets.  Justin on his back, AJ on his stomach.  AJ's head is turned the other way, hiding the smile that Justin so desperately needs to see.  It would just be a sign that his being here, his presence means something to the older man.  A man that had taken his virginity away so many years ago.  A present Justin had willingly given to him.  Or pleaded for him to take, Justin wasn't going to be fickle with the details.  He just knew that it was how things were.  How they always would be.

 

The funny things about secrets were this, it wasn't until you were made aware of them that you knew they existed.  Justin was so focused on his own secrets, that he didn't realize AJ had them too.  That AJ held his breath every single time he entered the hotel room.  Justin thought that the pause was to make sure that no one was spying, what he didn't know was that it was a moment of panic for AJ, one that had never been there until the time he showed up to an empty hotel room.   He always had to close his eyes and put on his game face, one that kept him from feeling a pang of disappointment in case Justin wasn't there.  And for the record, put it there just so the younger man didn't know how important him being there was.  It was vital for Justin to think it was all a game, so when the game stopped, AJ wouldn't be left feeling as pathetic as he should.  Would.  Justin didn't know that the insecurities about their 'relationship', and neither man were sure enough that it was a relationship, although if analyzed by a board of experts, all signs would point to the obvious, weren't only felt on his side of things.  AJ had the same issues, same fears, same everything.

 

Another thing Justin wasn't aware of was the secret he "thought" he was keeping from AJ wasn't exactly a secret at all.  The one where the whole time they were doing whatever this was, that he was picturing someone else.  Someone he wanted but could never have.  AJ knew that every time he walked through that door, Justin felt  a jolt of disappointment that it wasn't Nick.  It wasn't his blonder, taller, sexier band mate, but him.  Alexander James McLean.  AJ had to give it to the kid, he was good.  Hid it well, but it wasn't as hard to figure out if you just knew what to look for.  And he'd seen it.  And although AJ is in love with the younger man, he knows it's a matter of time before it falls apart.  Justin won't be happy with him forever, especially when it's not really him he wants.  But despite what his heart tells him, and despite what his head is telling him, he's going to stay as long as Justin will have him.  Because when it boils down to the bare truth, it's only Justin. It's only ever been him and there won't be anyone else.  Not anyone that matters anyways.

 

Justin feels wiry arms tighten around his waist and sighs.  It is in that moment, that bed and held by those arms that the world was okay.  He was is and nothing matters.  His life is a lie, a series of secrets and lies.  It has gotten to the point where he doesn't even know the truth sometimes, and that was what scares him.  That he is keeping things from himself, which although seemed impossible, is happening.  It's the truths that are so blatantly obvious but hard to believe, and so Justin pushes them to the back of his mind so he doesn't have to think about them.   He doesn't know when he'd stopped seeing Nick as he climaxed.  Stopped wishing it was Nick's hands touching him, Nicks lips he was kissing.  He can't remember when it all shifted, from Nick to AJ, but it has happened, and he's sure it was a long time ago.  He just didn't want to accept it.  He kisses the top of his lover's head and smiles, glad that AJ doesn't know him as well as he thinks he does.  If AJ ever found out that he'd spent the majority of their "relationship" lusting after Nick, Justin wouldn't be able to forgive himself.  Especially now, after all of this time he's realized that he loves him.  AJ that is. Not Nick.

 

Nick was a crush.

 

An unattainable crush that he wasn't even so sure he'd really wanted in the first place.  It was just fun to fantasize.  But he didn't have to fantasize because he had what he wanted right here.  In his arms.

 

Justin is glad he's able to keep a secret, especially when no one thinks he can.  And when the day comes where his secrets are revealed he'll deal with that when he has to.  Until then, he's glad to keep this part of his life to himself.  He's got the best job I the world, doing what he loves to do and has the person he loves more than life itself in his arms.   He won't sleep tonight, he never does.  He spends the night awake, watching his lover sleep with the fear that this could be the last time.  That there might not be another call, citing a city, a hotel, a room number and telling him to be there.  That he's been summoned.  So he memorizes everthing from the feel of their skin pressed together, to the sound of AJ breathing.  Knowing that within this secret, there are a million more.

 
Finis

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