Title: Wicked Game Author: Jules - mailto:slash_me_baby@yahoo.com Genre: Slash Pairing: Nick/Kevin Disclaimer: This is not real, it never happened. Wicked Game by Jules The world was on fire and no one could save me but you It's strange what desire will make foolish people do I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you ~Nick~ I think back to the last 9 years and I can't help but wonder where I would be if I had have made a different choice that day. That day where I had to sit down and decide if I wanted to go with AJ and Howie and start the group, Backstreet Boys, or if I wanted to stay in Orlando and do the Mickey Mouse Club. It was quite possibly the biggest decision I would ever have to make and I did it without hesitation. I don't even think I stopped to actually weigh out the ramifications of the choice. I mean, join an actual singing group or be on TV, there was no need for pros and cons, no need for anything other than me telling Disney that I thanked them for the opportunity, but I was making my dream come true with other people. And I can sure as hell tell you that I never wondered back then where I would be in 9 years. I could barely think past tomorrow, let alone wonder what my life would be at 22. Where this group would take me in 9 years. And to be honest, I think in the beginning, I was certain I'd made the wrong choice. There were so many times that I wanted to just quit. Stop everything that I was doing and go home. Cut my losses and think about what could have been had I stayed and done MMC. I taped it every day while we were away and had my mom send me the tapes so I could watch and see what I was missing. And I'll tell you, I knew instantly that Justin Timberlake was gonna be someone. He was definitely going to go somewhere and that made me laugh. I had met him at the auditions and we'd hit it off instantly. He, another guy named Ryan and I had been to every call back together and were already planning what we were gonna do when we all got famous from being on the show together. But I'd made my decision and was forced to stick it out. We had a contract with Lou and as much as I wanted to quit, there was something that was keeping me there. Someone who I was doing it all for. My mom? No. Definitely not her. I think she was one of the reasons I wanted to quit. She was always there, pushing me too hard, forcing me to go on when I couldn't. All I wanted to do at one point was whatever she DIDN'T want me to do. I kept going because of one person. One man. Kevin. He would always look at me with those critical green eyes that always shone with annoyance towards me. He is 9 fucking years older than me and I know the last thing he wanted to do was baby sit some 13 year old nerd who cried himself to sleep every night because he wasn't sure he could handle the pressure. But he did it. He would constantly be there on my ass, telling me that I had to get my shit together. That they weren't there to baby sit me and if I wanted us to become famous I'd better grow up and get a fucking clue. I know it sounds harsh, but he did it with love. Well on some sense I'm sure there was love behind it. He was always pushing me to do better, to be better. That made me want to be like him, so in control and strong. He never let anything get to him. Not the press, not the critics, not the fans and especially not his emotions. Yeah, that's right. God forbid Kevin Richardson show any emotion, prove that underneath everything he was but a mortal man. I guess much of this is my fault. Where he wouldn't let emotion rule his actions, I was the exact opposite. I AM the exact opposite. Everything I do is spurned on by my emotions and for the most part, I'm okay with that. But sometimes, sometimes I can get myself into trouble just because I care too much. I love too much. I just never realized before how much too much can be and the trouble that love can bring when you're not expecting it. I don't want to fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) I don't want to fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) With you. With you. (this world is only gonna break your heart) I never meant for it to happen. I didn't want it to happen. I tried to stop it from happening, but like time, love

		stands for no man. Hell, I can't even tell you when it did happen, so how can I even begin to explain how it happened. It could have been somewhere on the Backstreet's Back tour, but I honestly don't think so. I would more likely say it was during Into the Millennium. I had reached my all time low and honestly couldn't have sunk any deeper. I was in a very abusive relationship ...hell who am I trying to kid. I was in a few abusive relationships. Pretty much every relationship outside of the five of us was dangerous to me. There was Mandy. I can't even begin to wonder what happened there. I know there must have been good times because I don't think I would have stayed with her so long if there weren't. I wouldn't have risked so much for something that wasn't at least a little good for me. Right? Right? And then there was the relationship with my parents. Definitely not good. That was even worse than the one with Mandy because my parents were my parents. They had raised me and were supposed to love and take care of me no matter what. I guess no one had bothered to tell them that, because they showed time and time again just how quick they could turn on me when the heat was on and how fast they would come back when the money was rolling in. And the drugs. They were the ones that did the most damage to me physically. Loosing weight, gaining it back, making me tired, exhausting me completely. The problem with the drugs is that they hook you in, and then convince you that you can't get by without them. I thought I couldn't. Thankfully I did. The record executives and Lou. I don't even want to think about that. That chapter of my life will forever remain closed. The only thing that kept me sane during that time was knowing that no matter what, I had four brothers there for me. That loved me unconditionally. It didn't matter how good I looked, how much money I brought in, or how many parties I got them into, they were there and understood everything because their lives was my life. They knew how hard it was to stay untouched in the business. How hard it was to hold on to who you really are when all everyone wants to do is change you. I think that was when it happened. That was when I fell in love with Kevin. And that was what changed my life forever. Do you think I wanted to fall in love with him? Hell no. That could have possibly been the most absolute worst thing that could have happened to me. Realizing one night while stuck on some shitty tour bus that I, Nick Carter, was in love with another man. And that man being Kevin 'King of Anal Retention' Richardson. I knew that from the feelings I had, I had been feeling this way for a while at that point, but couldn't recognize the signs. It was different from how things were with Mandy. I didn't feel so bad about myself all the time, and I didn't feel as though I wasn't good enough for him, and I wasn't constantly on guard whenever he was around. It was normal. I was normal and that was what scared me. I could listen to him ramble on for hours about this or that and be comfortable in the fact that it was okay just because he was there in the room with me. And then there was the physical side of it. We would be watching a movie on someone's bus, and I'd always get the couch. But Kevin would have to sit on the couch with me, so we'd each take an end and tangle our legs together, trying to fit on the couch together. Or I'd cuddle up to him and never feel as comfortable and right as I did in his arms. Not that I hadn't slept in his arms before, almost every night at the beginning of everything, but this was different. This wasn't out of pity, this was because we both wanted to. But it wasn't what I wanted. It couldn't be what I wanted because Nick Carter couldn't be gay. It would break millions of girls' hearts, it would jeopardize our careers and it would definitely not look good for the other guys. There was already enough speculation out there to begin with, my being gay sure as hell wouldn't make things easier for the guys. So I thought about it. And I realized that it was just experimentation. Not that I'd done any experimenting, but that's what it was. I was curious about the unknown. The forbidden. Just another thing that I wanted to do because I wasn't supposed to. I figured that I was 18 and I'd been exposed to quite a bit in the 5 years we'd been on the road. The one thing you learn early is that a mouth's a mouth and whatever gets you off is all that matters. And all it was with Kevin was hero worship. I admired him and turned that into love. So what if every time he came into a room I was harder than anything? So what if it was so much more than just me wanting to touch every inch of him and just hold him every night? So what if I loved him more than I've loved anyone or anything else in my life and watching him smile made me smile, and watching him in pain put me in as much pain?

		It couldn't be. I wouldn't let it be. We'd worked too hard for me to ruin it with this little school boy crush. I vowed that I wouldn't let this interfere with everything. The world could be a cruel and harsh place and there was no way I'd be able to withstand the press getting wind of my being gay as well as Kevin's rejection if I told him my feelings towards him. Although they were always on again off again, I knew that he and Kristin were forever, and that eventually they were gonna get married. I just couldn't handle one more rejection by someone who I loved. What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you Well it turned out that I didn't have as much to worry about. I remember it so clearly now, like it happened yesterday. It was about two weeks after I had broken up with Mandy for the last time and I was alone on my bus. I hadn't really spoken to anyone since it happened and could barely bring myself to believe that it had actually happened. Even though I knew it had been over long before, I was used to her being there. Used to having someone to sleep with at night, wake up to in the morning. Just someone to offer me the physical attention I needed. And I don't necessarily mean sex. Just the hugs, and the small touches that let me know that she was there with me. Well we had stopped at some 24 hour diner and I hadn't bothered to get off the bus. I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like getting out of my bed. I heard the door open and a voice say that they were riding on my bus for a while. Recognizing it as Kevin's voice I felt my heart begin to race and willed my newly formed erection down. This was definitely not the time to be getting aroused, especially if Kevin thought he was going to be riding with me. "What are you doing Kevin?" I asked as I saw him enter the room I was in. "I'm riding with you Kaos. We need to talk for a bit." His face was serious and I knew that I wasn't going to enjoy this particular talk. He'd let me have 2 weeks without saying anything and I knew it was killing him. Normally he would be on me in an instant, bawling me out about something stupid I'd done and how I needed to see what an ass I was making of myself. Someone must have talked to him and asked him to give me a bit of recovery time before kicking my ass. I'll have to remember to buy something nice and expensive for Brian on his birthday next year. "So talk." I didn't move and sure as hell didn't let my emotion show in my voice. There was no way that I was going to let him know how much he affected me. How good it felt to have him on my bus with me. And then he crawled into my bed with me and I swear I almost pissed myself. It was bad enough having to be in the same room with him, but to be in the same bed ....with me naked was too much. I don't sleep in anything and I sure as hell wasn't expecting company so I didn't have any clothes on. Not even a pair of freakin boxers or anything and I think he realized that fact the same second I did because he paused. "You wearing anything?" I felt myself blush. "Umm.... N..no." I couldn't help but stutter and saw him blush as well. "Wasn't expecting company." He reached down and grabbed a pair of boxers from the floor, throwing them at me. He turned his back and waited for me to slip them on, me trying not to groan at the way the cloth rubbed against my cock which was now harder than fucking hell. All I could smell was Kevin, all I could feel was the heat from him under the covers with me. When I was done, he turned back around and lay down on his side, facing me. He had taken his shirt and jeans off, leaving him in his boxers as well. We stayed like that for a little while, both looking at one another, neither knowing where to start. I can honestly say that there was something different in his eyes, and the air on the bus was laced with a sexual tension I wasn't expecting. For the first time, I allowed myself to believe that maybe my feelings were reciprocated, that possibly he might feel just a bit of what I feel for him. Just as I was about to say something, he began to talk. He asked me about Mandy and what had happened, hi s eyes turning to stone and not revealing his feelings. Closing my eyes I could feel the tears welling up and I began to talk. I talked about everything, from when we first got together, to how hard it was for me to be myself with her knowing that she wanted me only because of who I was, not the real me, and I talked about how confusing it was that I didn't love her like I was supposed to. I told him about how she would always tell me that I was fat and ugly when she didn't get her way, and that I should be thankful that she wanted someone as worthless as I was. As I am. How one night after a fight with my mom, Mandy found me crying and laughed at me, telling me I was pathetic and one of these days she was going to leave me and find a real man. But then I told him about the good times. How much fun we'd have and how sympathetic she could be after a particularly hard interview, or after a bad show. How some nights we'd just lay in bed holding each other, talking about what we would do if I wasn't in the group. She had truly been two completely different people and I never knew which one I was going to encounter on any particular day. Without any reaction, Kevin lay there and listened to me. I was so wrapped up in my own confessions I hadn't registered his hand moving from his side to my hip. His head was propped up on his left elbow, while his right

		hand was holding onto my waist, pulling me close. When we were chest to chest, he snaked that hand around my back and began to caress it, soothing me as I cried and buried my face into his chest. It was the physical contact that I needed so desperately and I let myself get caught up in it. I clung to him like my life depended on it and he didn't say a word. He just lay there, holding me letting me cry. The tears became fewer and far between after a while, all the emotion just draining from my body. He was running his fingers through my short spikes, massaging my scalp with one hand while the other was still caressing my back. I finally opened my eyes to meet his and I was shocked to see that they were wet. His eyes were a vibrant green, and it was clear that he had been crying as well. I didn't know what to say or do, the whole situation was so surreal to me. He leaned his forehead down to rest it against mine and we both took a deep breath, mostly to calm ourselves down. We were on the edge of something big, I just didn't know how big it was then. "Kev?" I asked, biting my lip. I didn't know what to say. "Shhh Nicky. It's okay." He whispered back, speaking for the first time in over an hour. He cupped my jaw and lifted my face so that I was looking right at him again, our mouths just inches apart. I could feel his breath on my mouth and my eyes never left his. It was what I'd been dreaming about for so long. What I'd always wanted but didn't know I could have. "I'm so sorry she hurt you Nicky. You deserve so much more." He whispered, placing kisses on my forehead, my cheeks and finally up my jaw to my mouth. "You know that right? That you deserve more than that? You deserve to be loved." "I..." I didn't know what to say. His voice was so low and full of emotion. If I hadn't been able to feel his erection pressed against my leg I would have thought I was dreaming. "Shhhh Nicky. Let me take away all the pain. I just want to love you." I felt the nervousness in my stomach and a few more tears fell from my eyes. I trusted this man with my life, and like always he was here to take care of me. Knowing what I needed and doing what he could to make things easier for me. I think on some level, he knew how deep my feelings were for him and he used that to his advantage, but at the time I couldn't see that. All I could see was someone I loved and trusted comforting me. Before I could respond, I felt his lips cover mine and he began to kiss me tenderly, slowly as not to scare me away. It was the best feeling in the world. I couldn't get close enough to him, god knows I tried. I wrapped my arms around his body and tangled my legs with his, doing whatever I could to make every inch of our bodies touching. Opening my mouth, I deepened the kiss, letting my tongue graze his lips and I felt him moan as his mouth opened as well. I broke the kiss with regret, pulling away to get a good look at Kevin's face, needing to know that he was serious about what was going to happen. He smiled at me, his face flushed and his breathing shallow. "Please Kevin..." I whispered, giving him small kisses on his mouth, my hands shaking on his arms. "Please what Nicky?" He rolled us so that he was on top of me, and I couldn't hold back the shudder that wracked my body. Our boxers were the only thing between our bodies, and the material wasn't all that thick. I could feel all of him against my thigh, knowing that he could feel my erection as well. "Please.. Just make it go away. It hurts so much." And it did. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my heart hurt and most of all my soul hurt. I just needed to know that there was something out there after all this. After all the pain I'd been through in the past two weeks, I needed to know that I wasn't alone. I silently cursed the tears that began to fall again and was surprised when I felt Kevin kiss each one away. "I love you Nick. Never forget that." He whispered before kissing me again, his tongue pressing past my lips into my mouth. Soundlessly, our boxers ended up on the floor and our bodies moved together in complete unison. He didn't leave a single inch of my body untouched, kissing and loving everywhere he could touch. He was true to his word when he told me he was going to make me forget everything and that he was going to love me entirely. Once he had kissed everywhere, he lay me on my back and stared down on me, making sure that I truly wanted this. That I truly wanted him. With a smile and a kiss, I told him that I needed to feel him. And that night, he changed my life forever. That was the single most amazing night of my life. Even now, looking back on everything that had happened before, and has happened since, nothing will ever come close to what I felt that night. The person I loved

		most in the world telling and showing me just how much they loved me too. Pushing aside all the shit that went along with that night, all the repercussions, I think I would want everything to happen exactly as it did. It was the night where my dreams became my reality. But also the night where my reality became my nightmare. What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you, and I don't know what I expected the next day, but I don't think that it was even close to what really happened. I woke up wrapped in Kevin's arms and felt more at ease than I had for years. That was the moment I knew I was in total love with him. Like hopelessly, endlessly, unbelievably in love with him. I smiled and wrapped myself around him even tighter, relieved when he didn't turn away. He pulled me closer and kissed my forehead. "Good morning Nick." "Morning Kev." And before any other conversation could be had, my cell rang. Looking at the phone I saw it was Howie and groaned, hitting the answer button. We were wherever we were supposed to be and had a half hour to shower and be down in the lobby of the hotel for our limo to take us to the venue. I was a little upset that I didn't have an opportunity to talk to Kevin more, but didn't think anything of it. He loved me. He said so the night before so many times, and then made love to me. I knew he felt the way I felt and that was enough for me. Just having him there was support enough for me. I think it wasn't until he'd avoided me for a week that I noticed that something was wrong. Whenever I would try to sit next to Kevin during an interview, or just when we were hanging out, he would always try to find somewhere else to be, someone else to stand by. I figured it was just so people wouldn't know what was going on with us. Granted, nothing had happened since that night, but that didn't mean anything. He just wanted to throw suspicion off of us. At least that's what I told myself. I knew deep in my mind that it was something else, but I couldn't let myself believe it. Wouldn't let myself believe it. The day that I did was one of the longest days of my life. I think I aged 10 years that day, and the worst part of it was that even though I should have seen it coming, I hadn't. "Kevin. Can we ...um can we talk?" I had gone to his hotel room to speak to him alone, and possibly pick up where we had left off a few weeks earlier. He smiled at me warmly and I figured that everything was going to be okay. I walked over to where he was standing and wrapped my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. I felt him tense slightly before embracing me. "Sure Nick. What do you want to talk about?" He pulled away and moved towards the bed, sitting down. "I want to talk about us. What happened between us." A blank look passed before his eyes and I recognized it immediately. He had put a wall up and I had to wonder what he was hiding. What he didn't want me to see. "I don't know what you're talking about Nick. Us?" Kevin's voice was steady, calm. "Well... But I thought... You said ....we did... I love you." Suddenly the air in the room was a million times thicker, almost suffocating. "I do love you Nicky.. But..." I watched Kevin stop and search for words, something he only did when he was really torn up about something, when it was really important for him to say something perfectly. He looked up and our eyes locked, I saw regret and sorrow there and felt my stomach churn. "But what Kevin? You said I deserved to be loved, truly loved. And then you said you loved me. I love you Nicky. That's what you said before you made love to me. Are you saying you lied to me? That you never loved me?" I was beginning to hyperventilate and panic. I couldn't take it. Not from Kevin and not now. Not when I had finally figured everything out. Not after I'd spent all that time coming to terms with what was going on ...with who I was. "Oh god Nick. Of course I love you... I'll always love you. But..." It was the but that got me. The but that broke my heart and tore my world apart. I couldn't listen anymore.. I had to throw up. Running directly towards the bathroom I fell to my knees in front of the toilet I leaned forward and emptied out my stomach, tears falling freely from my eyes, my soul hurting more than anything.

		It wasn't long after that night that the announcement had been made to the group. Kevin and Kristen were getting married. It was official, after 7 years he was finally taking some responsibility for his life and doing her right. He looked truly happy and it made me sick. Made me sick how little I really meant to him. But what really made me sick, still makes me sick is how even now, after everything that has happened since, I still love him more than I will ever love anyone else. Although I can never forgive him for showing me exactly what I couldn't have, for dangling the carrot in front of my eyes, letting me get a little taste of it and laughing as he yanked it away from me, I have to thank him for teaching me to cherish what I have. To be thankful for the things I might have taken for granted before. He was right, I do deserve to be loved, but by someone who loves me back. The same way. I have that now. In the midst of all the heartache, the downward spiral that my life took after Kevin's wedding, I found what I hadn't realized what I was looking for. I guess sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) I don't wanna fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) ~Kevin~ I never meant to fall in love with Nick. It wasn't in my plan. I know that you can't plan life out to every detail, but you can't blame a guy for trying. Everything seemed so logical in my head at the time. And I stress at the time. Looking back now, I can clearly see how fucked up my thinking was. I can see where I was compensating one feeling for another, one emotion for another. Hindsight is 20/20 they say and I say fuck that. If life could have a do-over .. Well I don't think it would be all that great a place to live. Every decision we make will ultimately affect our future, and.... Yeah. I'm a master at convincing myself of what I want to believe. I figure sometimes, that if I just tell myself something enough, it'll dull the pain. It never does. Nothing does. When Nick and I had that discussion about that night, the night we made love, I honestly believed that what I was doing was what I wanted. What was best for Nick and what I wanted. I wasn't in love with him. It wasn't about that, at least not for me. It was about me making the pain go away for him. I hated Mandy. HATED her! She was anything but good for him, but he was young and in love. So rather than voice my hatred for her and lose him, I never said anything. Never once spoke up when he'd show up at my room with fresh bruises on his body. Never once did anything when she would berate him in front of everyone, embarrassing him all to hell. Because I loved him and couldn't betray him, I just remained the sympathetic brother. Somewhere along the way, that line got blurred and I let my emotions rule my heart. For some reason, the day that he and Mandy broke up was one of the happiest days I could remember in a long time. I felt free, felt like a thousand weights had been lifted from my heart. Everyone assumed that I was going to go in and give him shit about it when all I wanted to do was tell him how relieved I was. I couldn't do that though. He needed time to grieve and realize how good this was for him. How much better off he was. The only problem was that it didn't exactly go that way. He fell into an even worse depression than he was when he was with her. Before he was nothing, he was worthless.. But at least someone wanted him. Someone loved him. At least that was how he saw it. It was then I realized what I had to do. I had to show him that someone else out there loved him. And if one other person did, then someone else probably did as well, and that losing Mandy wasn't the end of the world. So I went to his bus, knowing exactly what was going to happen. I knew he would break down and I wanted to be the one there for him when he did. Make him forget all the pain that she had caused him. I just never thought he would fall in love with me. Never thought he would use me to get over her. Who am I kidding? I knew exactly what would happen. Nick isn't the type of person to just "make love" with anyone. Yeah, he's fucked many a people, male and female, but that's different. That's physical. Making love is emotional. Making love is holding the person's hand and looking directly into their eyes as you are bringing the other person to sheer happiness and utopia. And that night, we made love. It had never been like that for me with anyone before him, and I highly doubt I'll ever reach that plateau before I die. It was honestly, all repression aside, one of the most intense nights of my life. So much was said without words that night. It was just understood. Thus making way for the fear. The fear that plagued my existence the instant we stepped off the bus in the harsh sunlight. The fear that convinced me that it was just me helping him get over Mandy. That it didn't change anything. That everything would be like it was before.

		It wasn't. I fell in love. With Nick. And sometimes ....sometimes life is harsher than anything. Bowing only to reality. Because that can kick you in the ass when you're not paying attention. No matter what you try to convince yourself of, there's always that nagging in the back of your mind... And some days that voice just doesn't shut up, reminding you of what you're so desperately trying to forget. I never meant to, but I did. I fell in love with Nick. But of course I didn't realize that until it was too late. Perhaps hindsight is 20/20. The world was on fire and no one could save me but you It's strange what desire will make foolish people do I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you no Sometimes life gives you a second chance, but you aren't ready for it and have to sit by watching the chance be wasted. Like once life is finally on your side... You have the opportunity to right the wrong you committed, but it's the timing that's off. Yeah, life's a bitch that way. It was the day that I'd realized just how much I loved Nick, and how mature he'd become. How well we'd raised him, and I decided that I didn't deserve him in my life. It was my wedding day. Of all fucking days for the revelation to hit me, my fucking wedding day. I was getting cold feet. Not "I'm in love with one of my best friends" cold feet, but just 'oh god, am I ready to commit to one person and this is a big step' cold feet. I had called off the wedding a million times, only to call it back on seconds later. I had 10 minutes before I had to be in place at the altar and was panicking worse than before. No one could calm me down, not Brian, not AJ and not even Howie who always managed to keep my head on straight. No one could deal with me and so for some reason they had sent in Nick. Nick who I hadn't really talked to since that conversation in my hotel room where I'd broken his heart and he almost gave himself an ulcer from. I can still hear the sobs mixed in with the sound of him throwing up, all because he thought one more person didn't love him, didn't deem him worth loving. That I would like to take back. If I could go back in time, I would show him that I wasn't rejecting him, that it had nothing to do with him. But I can't. So I just live with the guilt that in a way, I was no better than her. Well they sent in Nick and for a second I couldn't breathe. He was in a charcoal tux and looked more beautiful than I had ever seen him looking. I was speechless and once he smiled that innocent, kid brother smile I let myself exhale, wondering how the hell I hadn't noticed it before. I was in love with him. I searched his eyes for that familiar look of love that I had gotten accustomed to when looking at him. For months after that night, he would always have this look of hope in his eyes, that I would change my mind. That I would want to be with him. My smile faded when I realized that he didn't have that look on his face. He wasn't looking at me with love and lust, yes there was love, but.... It was different. I couldn't pin point it then, had no idea what I was looking at. He pulled me close and hugged me, causing me to break down. Now I knew that I couldn't go through with it. I had to call off the wedding, beg Nick to forgive me. Tell him that I loved him more than anything and I was sorry for breaking his heart. "I'm sorry Nicky.." I babbled, cupping his face in my hands. "Shhhhhhh Kev. It's okay. You're nervous.." He replied, not understanding what I was apologizing for. "No.. I'm sorry... I was wrong... I did love you... Do love you..." He kissed my forehead and chuckled softly, his eyes kind. "Yeah Kev. You do.. But just not like that. Don't let your emotions fool you right now.. You're not thinking straight and are misinterpreting your feelings." He pulled me close and hugged me. I felt him tremble slightly and I tightened my arms around him. "But.." "But what Kev? You love her. It's always been her. Yeah you love me, but ...it's not meant to be. It was just one more stepping stone to bring us where we are now. THIS is what's meant to be. This is where we're

		supposed to be. You with Kristin, me with..." My head flew off of his shoulder and I stepped back. It was then that I recognized the look in his eyes. It WAS love, just not directed at me. I watched him closely and he blushed under my gaze. Just as I was about to question him, someone knocked on the door. It was the priest. "So Mr. Richardson. Will there be a wedding today? Or are you just gonna hide out in here until everyone forgets why they're here and goes home?" Laughing, Nick patted me on the back and smiled at me. "Bro. This is what you've always dreamed. Starting a family. You know this is how it's meant to be ...everything else is just background noise." Needless to say, I got married that day. It wasn't until later at the reception that I got to talk to him again. That's where I told him another lie, but this time, the lie was intentional, making it even worse.. I knew full well I was lying to him, where the last time I actually believed myself. "It was beautiful Kev." He said, throwing an arm over my shoulder. "Thanks Nicky. For everything. You were right." I took a swig of my beer, I hadn't drank nearly enough yet. "About?" "My feelings. Displaced.. Whatever. I was just scared and looking for any excuse to get out of the wedding. But I know this is right. I love Kristin more than anything." Okay, that last part wasn't a lie. I do love her, am in love with her. It was the next part that I had trouble with. "I'm not in love with you. I wasn't before... I mean, I do love you, but it wouldn't have worked with us." I hadn't let it work with us, God only knows if it could have. But it was too late for that now. Our fates had been sealed with my fear that day when I told him there was no us. I've always wondered how someone can be in love with two people. That's always been my problem. Over thinking. Not trusting instinct. Gut feelings. Taking the easy way out. Rationality. Did I mention life sucks? "I know Kev. Being here in this moment, looking back at that one, I realize how I displaced my feelings for love as well. Yeah, on some level I was in love with you, but I needed what we did to show me that life goes on. That there are people out there that love me and think that I deserve their love. You did so much more for me than you know Kev." I didn't know at the time that he was lying about his feelings as well, downplaying them to fit the situation. What good would it have done for him to confess his love for me. Again. On my wedding night. I guess that makes me feel at least somewhat better. Not enough, but somewhat. We'd both moved on. Took from our one night what we needed and used that to better build in our present relationships. I see now how he is with Justin and I know that they are what the other needs. Nick was Justin's first boyfriend, as Justin was Nick's. It was perfect. It hasn't always been perfect for them, but the past 2 years has treated them well. I can watch them and be happy. Doesn't mean I'm not jealous as hell though. I had my chance and blew it. Twice. Had I been a bit more forceful at my wedding, I could have convinced him that I do love him, won his trust back. But I saw how his eyes shone for Justin Timberlake. And who was I to take that sparkle from his eyes? If it's meant to be, it will be. But I don't think so. And that's okay too. Because I'll always have 'what could have been' to think about and know that for one night, one night I had complete happiness in my grasp. I don't want to fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) I don't want to fall in love (this world is only gonna break your heart) With you. With you. (this world is only gonna break your heart) Nobody loves no one.