Yours Always

Title:Yours Always
Author:Jules - slash_me_baby@yahoo.com
Part:1/1
Pairing:Kevin/Nick
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer:Not true. Fiction (but that should be obvious because it takes place a few months from now.. So unless I'm Miss Cleo.. I don't know what's gonna happen)
Warning:Slash warning. Shmooop warning. Angst warning.
Notes:Now this is based on the info I've heard that Nick's solo CD is out October 8th! So yeah.. Just wanted to say that.. I'm not sayin it's definitely gonna be out that day ..it's just what I've heard.
Yours Always
by Jules
He checked his watch for the 10th time, making sure that it was indeed October 8th. He'd had this day circled on his calendar for months, since a rep from Jive had told him the news. Of course, Nick himself hadn't phoned to tell him, nor had he been invited to the release party held a few weeks back. But Kevin had expected that. If he were Nick, and he'd been outcast from the group, practically exiled from his best friends for wanting to fulfill his dream, well Kevin would have reacted the same way. Locking his door, Kevin sighed and checked his watch an 11th time.
He didn't blame Nick one bit, and as he remembered every meeting, every angry word spat at the younger man, Kevin was filled with a sense of regret and shame. They'd always said that if one wanted to go solo, do their own CD, no one would hold them back. The only problem with that was each of them had assumed it would be them to go solo. So when Nick announced to the group his deal, the 'wonderful news', they'd all been blind sighted. And with that shock, came the backlash. Negative backlash in overwhelming degrees. The time that Nick needed them the most was when they jumped ship and deserted him, making him feel angry and remorseful for the one thing he'd dreamed of his entire life.
Kevin turned down the familiar streets and found a parking spot as close to the doors as he could. Arming the alarm, he walked into the mall and was thankful for it being deserted. The store would open in 20 minutes and Kevin wanted to be the first in line. He grabbed a coffee and waited, hoping that no one else would be out that early. The last thing he wanted was to cause a scene. Thankfully, at 8:30am precisely someone opened the doors and let him in, giving him a quick second glance. It took him 30 seconds at most to locate the display with Nick's picture, CDs just underneath and Kevin couldn't help be stunned by Nick's beauty. That face he hadn't seen in person for nearly 8 months was staring at him and he couldn't help but shiver, an odd feeling coursing through his body. Grabbing 6 copies Kevin approached the cashier, hoping the guy wouldn't make a big deal of his being there. Buying multiple copies of Nick Carter's solo CD. To his delight, the guy didn't recognize him, barely even giving him a second glance. Kevin thanked him and exited the mall, stopping only once he was back in his car. He unwrapped the cellophane on one disc and popped it in the player. Nick's face was staring back at him and as much as he wanted to read the thank yous he couldn't. Couldn't bear to read about the people that had helped him to get to where he was right now, knowing he wasn't in that group of people. He should have been, but wasn't.
Nick's voice over his speakers took Kevin's breath away and again, he was overwhelmed with regret. Regret and loss. He should have been there with Nick through the whole process and his stupid pride, his sham of a marriage had prevented that. He felt the tears as he drove, wishing for nothing more than the past year to be erased and him granted a 'do over' for everything he fucked up. He should have told Nick the truth about his and Kristen's marriage. How it was a cover for his sexuality, his preference of men. How when he made love to his wife, it was someone else he was always picturing. How it was Nick and every word out of his mouth should have been 'I love you Nick', 'I need you Nick', 'I want you Nick."
But this was the real world and he just didn't get that chance. Instead, with every television interview Kevin taped, every performance he watched, every article he clipped and pasted into his scrapbook, Kevin reminded himself of what he gave up. What he sacrificed. Listening to Nick our his heart out through his songs, Kevin was more proud of the younger man than he had ever been.
A house came into view and Kevin realized he'd just been driving aimlessly. He started when he recognized the large beach house, shocked to find himself there. This was Nick's house and it was almost 3 hours away from where he'd began that morning. Sighing, he wondered what he should do. He'd driven all that way and subconsciously realized he needed to see Nick. Needed to make contact with the younger man, even if he wanted nothing to do with him. As he was debating with himself, Kevin missed the person approaching his

car until they'd opened the door and climbed in beside him. He jerked back to reality and gasped when he saw who it was.
"Nick." As he looked at the blonde, Kevin felt his pulse race and his stomach flip.
"Kevin." Nick replied calmly, staring at Kevin. It was clear he was curious at the company but didn't say anything. Kevin saw him look down at the floor, the bag from the record store at his feet. Silently, and before Kevin could move it out of eye sight, Nick picked it up and looked inside, his face a mask of surprise at the contents.
"I ...I... You see..." Kevin stuttered, unsure of what to say.
"Why?"
"It's yours Nicky. Your debut CD. Of course I bought it."
"I would have given you a copy you know." Nick paused and smirked, their eyes locking. "Or six."
Kevin blushed and joined Nick's laughter. "It's different. I want to be able to say 'yeah, I bought Nick Carter's CD and it was fucking amazing. Best 15 bucks I spent all year.'"
It was Nick's turn to blush and Kevin watched him pick at his fingernails. He wished it wasn't so awkward. "You liked it?" He heard Nick ask softly.
"OF course Nicky. I loved it."
"You're not just saying that?" Nick looked at Kevin through sad and hopeful eyes. As if trying to decipher if Kevin was being genuine or sarcastic. Kevin felt like they were 21 and 13, Nick looking at him for approval like he used to.
"Best fucking 15 bucks I spent all year."
Nick's smile melted Kevin's heart and he had never seen anything more beautiful. "Times six." Nick laughed.
There was an unmistakable air in the car and both men could feel it. It was heavy and almost suffocating. "I've missed you Kev!" Nick whispered, his hands trembling.
"I'm sorry. Things were so fucked up and when I realized it, it was too late."
"It's never too late." Kevin jumped at Nick's comment and studied his face intently. He tried to figure out exactly what Nick meant by that. Nick only nodded, repeating himself. "It's never too late Kevin."
"I think that's why I'm here."
"You think?" Nick stared at Kevin, so much being said in the silence between them. Kevin nodded and let out a deep breath. It was time to bridge the gap.
They could only sit in the car for so long before they realized how ridiculous it was. Nick's door was still open from when he'd come out to get the paper and without saying a word, Nick opened the car door and climbed out. He walked towards the house and once he'd gotten half way there, he turned slightly, flashing Kevin a shy smile. It was a request. An invitation. Kevin didn't have to think twice, and climbed out of the car as well, following the blonde into his house.
As soon as he walked inside Nick's foyer, he was hit by the scent that could only be described as Nick. It overwhelmed his senses and caused a million emotions to course through his body. His head. His heart. The last time he'd been there flashed in his mind and he fought the urge to throw up. To take Nick in his arms and apologize for everything. His eyes met Nick's and he knew the younger man was replaying the same scene over in his head. "I'm so..." He started, pausing when Nick held up his hand.
"No Kev. Really. It's not necessary."
But it was. And Kevin had to make him listen. "It is Nicky." He watched Nick's face soften at that nickname. He was the only one that could get away with calling Nick that. "I was being selfish and jealous. It was uncalled for and I can't tell you how sorry I am. How I would do anything to go back and change everything." He watched the range of emotion displayed on Nick's face, saw the mist gathering his in beautiful blue eyes.
"I... I..." Nick stuttered, unable to form a coherent thought.
Kevin was across the kitchen instantly, enveloping Nick into a huge hug. It was enough to break his heart and soothe it all at once. To Kevin, Nick being there in his arms was right. It was destiny, but he had no idea how

Nick felt about it. "Oh baby. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He cooed, feeling Nick's body shake uncontrollably.
"But you're here .." Nick said into Kevin's shirt, tightening his gold around Kevin's waist.
"I should have been there all along baby. Should have supported you, like a real friend would have." Kevin hoped that Nick didn't notice the endearment that kept slipping out, but it just felt natural.
"Oh god Kevin.. You were there. Every time we'd be working on something, or I couldn't get something just right, you were there with me. Your voice in my head, your face in my mind. You're the reason..." Nick stopped, not wanting to say too much. He didn't want to scare Kevin off now that he'd just got him ack.
"I was the reason what Nick?" Kevin's whole body was rigid, his mind whirling.
Nick blushed, pulled away and walked across the room. He refused to meet Kevin's eyes. "I can't tell you that Kev.. I don't want.. I can't lose you again. It's too hard."
His heart was in his throat, and Kevin had to fight off tears. Again. "You didn't lose me Nicky... You could never lose me.. I was just misguided..."
"It sure as hell felt like it Kev. AJ, D and Rok were one thing, but you? Losing your support, your love was the hardest. I can't do it again." Nick was exhausted. This was the last thing he'd expected for today and he hadn't been prepared for this confrontation.
Before either could speak, the phone rang. Nick smiled apologetically and answered it. "Lo?"
Silence.
"Ummmm yeah thanks bro!" Nick's mouth curved into an embarrassed grin and Kevin watched him blush. "Well I wasn't sure what the deal was today ..what was going on exactly but something's come up..."
More silence. Kevin felt though he was intruding, but couldn't make his legs move to give Nick privacy.
"Dude.. I'm serious. I've got someone here now. We'll have to do it tomorrow!!"
Kevin motioned that he was going to leave, stopping only when Nick flashed him an angry look and motioned for him to stay put. Complying, Kevin wondered who it was Nick was talking to. He didn't have to wait long.
"Justin... Listen to me.. It's Kevin..."
That solved his mystery. Justin. Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake?? Since when did they become so friendly? Kevin felt a wave of jealousy flow over him.
"Exactly. So now do you understand?"
What did that mean, Kevin wondered, pretending not to listen.
"Okay. So tomorrow night?"
Silence.
"Yeah. We'll big it up. It'll put your opening day party to shame.. Just like my sales will!"
Nick laughed and Kevin felt himself smile along with him. Even though it was Justin Timberlake, he was glad Nick had someone who understood. Who was there for him when they should have been.
When Nick hung up, Kevin turned around to face him. "What were you going to say? I was the reason what?" He knew he shouldn't push Nick, but had to know. Couldn't get it out of his head.
Nick released a deep sigh, bridging the distance between them and sat down, face to face across the table. "You were the reason the CD got done. That I worked so hard on getting it perfect. It was all for you."
Kevin was stunned. That answer was not what he was expecting. "I don't understand."
"You've made me who I am today Kev. You showed me how hard work and perseverance pays off. You've taught me to want to do so much, BE so much and every time I wanted to quit, I thought about you and kept going. I had to make you proud of me. Show you that I could do it. Even if you did hate me."
"I never hated you."
"I wasn't so sure."

They stared at one another, Kevin's hand moving to cover Nick's. "Nicky I never hated you. I was just so fucking scared I was going to lose you. That I already had. I panicked. I was too far, in too deep. I married Kristen. Big mistake. Didn't tell you how I felt about you. Bigger mistake. Thought you doing your own CD meant you didn't' need us anymore, didn't need ME anymore. And then I thought it would be easier to push you away than let you in."
For the first time, both men actually looked at one another, deep into each other's eyes and recognized the heat that existed between them. The passion. It warmed Kevin's insides and for the first time, he felt a glimmer of hope.
"Did you read the dedication?" Nick asked, blushing and breaking eye contact.
Kevin hadn't. He wasn't sure what he would find so he simply ignored the curiosity in his mind. With a shake of his head, he watched Nick stand up and leave the room. He returned a few minutes later with the case to his CD in his hand. Retracting the booklet out of the jewel case, he handed it to Kevin, watching with extreme interest. Waiting for Kevin's reaction.
Nick Thanks: To he who inspired me to grow. To live. To love. To be great. I only hope one day you will be as proud of me as I am of you. You started out as a hero to a 13 year old brat and became the world to a 22 year old man. If you knew half of what you mean to me, felt at least a fraction of what I feel for you, my life would be complete. K. I love you.
His heart was in his throat and his hands were shaking. "I love you too Nicky." When Kevin lifted his eyes he felt a few tears fall down his cheeks. At the look of shock on Nick's face he repeated himself. For both of them. "I love you so much."
"Don't ... Don't play with me." Nick stood and walked to the counter, his body tense and his arms wrapped around himself protectively.
"Fuck Nick. I'm not. It's why I pushed you away. I love you so much I had to let you go."
"Shouldn't that have been my decision? My choice?"
Kevin heard the anger in Nick's voice and knew he deserved it. He'd been a coward, that much he was sure of. "I'm sorry." He couldn't say it enough.
"Why did you come here Kevin? Why now? What do you want?"
Kevin had to really think about Nick's questions. He hadn't expected to make the trip, to confront his demons, but he had. His eyes roamed the expansive kitchen and landed on Nick, who was shaking across the room, still hugging himself tightly. "You."
The answer was so simple yet so difficult. He hadn't been ready for it then, but after so long, being out of Nick's life for such an extended period of time, he knew he couldn't do it any longer. Life was too painful without him.
Nick gasped, praying Kevin was sincere. It was what he'd been wanting since that afternoon they'd ambushed him, forcing him to choose them or his solo career. He'd been prepared to choose them, pushing aside his contract until it was a better time. The last thing he wanted was for a solo record to break up the strong bond they'd formed, to leave their past behind. But as angry words, harsh accusations were thrown at him, he'd changed his mind and any civilities he'd thought they deserved were waved. They'd made the choice for him and severed all ties, leaving him alone.
Until now.
Kevin had always meant more to him than the others, his love for the oldest of the group far beyond that of brotherhood. He'd thought that maybe Kevin reciprocated that love, until the announcement that he was to marry Kristen, breaking Nick's heart. And then, that afternoon in this very house, the living room to be exact when they had forced him to choose them or his solo contract, had been the final crack in his heart, shattering him completely.
But now. Now Kevin was there with tears in his eyes and trembling hands. And Nick couldn't help but feel nothing but the love he'd had for this man for the past 9 years. "Me?"
"Us." The feeling in the pit of his stomach was a mixture of good butterflies and bad cramps. He couldn't make out what Nick's facial expression meant and Kevin could never remember feeling so anxious. This is how he SHOULD have felt when he'd proposed to Kristen. It was funny, that moment of waiting for her answer was nothing compared to the anguish he was feeling, watching Nick mull over his words. He wanted the blonde to say something. Anything. Just put him out of his misery.

"What are you saying?" Nick spoke slowly, processing everything through his mind. It was too good to be true, there had to be a catch.
"What I'm saying is that in a week, when you find out that you've broken records over the world, when you find out just how fucking great everyone thinks your CD is, I want to be there. In a year when you're touring the world, I want to be in the crowd, screaming for you. In X number of years when you're releasing your 6th CD that's gone to number one instantly, I want to be there with you. Celebrating. Sharing your success knowing I was there with you while you were creating greatness." Kevin's voice broke, his emotion getting the better of him. He took a deep breath to calm himself down. "I don't want you to ever think that I'm not proud of you. That I don't love you more than life itself. I know ... I know I haven't shown you that, but I am and I do."
"I love you too Kev." Nick whispered, tears in his eyes.
"I don't deserve it." And Kevin knew he didn't. Didn't deserve Nick's forgiveness or love.
"But I do. And whether or not you deserve it, I can't help it. Can't stop." Nick rubbed his eyes, running his fingers through his hair. "God knows I've tried. But the thing is .... I want all that too. I want you to be there with me ...every step of the way. I want to sing your lyrics, play your music. Have you be the greatest inspiration I've ever known..."
"I want that too. Always have Nicky, I just wasn't sure I was entitled to ask."
Kevin realized Nick was still across the room, and even that short distance felt like it was too much. Too far. With three easy strides he was face to face with Nick, the man he'd loved for as long as he could remember. Nick's arms fell to his sides, clearly unsure of what to do. Instinctively, Kevin cupped Nick's face in his hands, stroking his soft skin with his knuckles. "I'm never going to do that again... I don't think I could survive that long without you in my life again..." He admitted, resting their foreheads together. He could feel Nick's breathing quicken, their eyes locked firmly on one another. "Always loved you ...wanted you but was scared..."
"You don't have to be scared anymore Kev. I'm here. Yours.. Always.. No matter what."
Kevin sighed as he pressed their lips together, the warmth of Nick's mouth chasing away the icy chill that he'd grown accustomed to in months past. It was like coming home, but not even realizing he'd been gone. As their mouths moved against one another, tongues tasting, breath mingling, Kevin knew that nothing was ever more clear than the love that existed between them. He couldn't imagine things being any more perfect than they were at that moment. Being in the arms of the man he loved, holding that man in his own arms, knowing that anything was possible and love was at his fingertips.
Finis